yeah the reason ilya’s depression gets worse in ottawa is not because he hates ottawa and hates the centaurs. like don’t get me wrong it doesn’t help that he’s suddenly in a new place and on a shit team. but that’s not the problem. the problem is that he’s spent almost a decade playing the game of ‘well if i had what i wanted then i’d be fixed’ and then he got what he wanted - his dad is gone and he doesn’t have to go back to russia or have contact with his horrible brother and shane loves him and he loves shane and they’re going to be together now - and unfortunately it didn’t fix a damn thing
Up until this point, he also thought all his unhealthy coping mechanisms will help fix everything but they didn't. He thought getting rid of all the damaged parts (family, Russia) of his life that were making him miserable would magically 'fix him' & it didn't. Now that he is getting the space to be vulnerable with safe people, all the years of bottled up emotions have a space to rise to the top.
I was telling a friend who hasn't gotten to reading TLG yet about how 'Ilya goes through it in this book' & they responded 'well his dad is dead, he cut ties with Russia & he lives closer to Shane... Shouldn't everything be fine now?'
“...Ilya felt himself start to spiral... He wanted to fucking disappear. He didn’t want his teammates to look at him, he didn’t want to talk to anyone. He was exhausted and he couldn’t remember what it felt like to not be exhausted. It was a tiny bit devastating to learn that none of the changes he’d made in his life—therapy, winning, getting a dog, coming out to friends and teammates about his sexuality and his relationship with Shane, getting engaged—had fixed him. Even with so much to be happy about, he was almost hoping for the plane to crash for real this time. No. Of course he didn’t want that. He just needed to get home to his own bed, and stay there forever. ...He wished he knew how to make the good feelings last. ...'It might not be something to fix.'" - The Long Game, Chapter 37
As someone who has their own struggles with mental health, I have the same dilemma often times & feel guilty - 'I have everything one needs, the weather is great today, I have things to look forward to but why do I not want to get out of bed??? Maybe I am ungrateful.' I can tell often times how people who haven't experienced some of these struggles this can associate mental health with external factors & while those can have an affect, correlation isn't causation.
"And now the pain's different It still exists, it just escapes different ... Yes, I'm young and livin' dreams In love with being noticed and afraid of bein' seen But I can finally eat and I can fall asleep It's fine, fine, fine I finally got sewed up, I set a time, then I showed up And, now, the weight of the world ain't that bad Well, I saw the end, and it looked just like the middle Got a paper and pen and a page with no space I filled the hole in my head with prescription medication And forgot how to cry, who am I, who am I to complain?" - No Complaints by Noah Kahan
I can imagine little Ilya, probably much before he had to grieve his mother's loss, getting called 'lazy' for not having the mental energy to do things. I find a lot of comfort in his character, how his depression is portrayed & how he found so much love & community. While love alone doesn't 'fix' everything, it makes it a little less harder and a little more worthwhile. ❤️🩹
