Bibliophilic Dinosaur's Blog

🐢🐢🐢

To me, in this small town of only 300 or so people,

 we are trees.

We grow, but we do not move. 

We stay here,

 force our roots into the ground.

We do not go anywhere new.

 We stay and dont ever leave. 

How can they be okay with this? 

I am sunflower seeds,

Wanting to go with the wind, 

Wanting out of this small, claustrophobic space,

Seven months ago when my home got bombed, when i lost everyone, when I found other survivors, I started my way here. i dont know why we thought that we had anywhere to go, why we were so naive. 

Now, people are screaming. The fifteen or so of us that made it are screaming, they're crying, or some are just staring at the ashes. I am walking away from them. I have no idea where Im going and Im not worried about it. If they see me, oh well, i have no where to go, no safe haven to keep me protected. No hope of finding anything anymore. 

Honestly we were stupid to get our hopes up. After the bombing, after the- our- government tried to kill us, those of us who were left int the rubble, had to cling to something. And now, its gone.

But it is now night

And the dark from the outside

Has soaked into me

Because my happiness

Is solar powered

And at night 

When there is no sun

It is a nest of bees in my head,

Stinging me.

It is a swarm of butterflies turned mean,

in my lungs instead of my stomach.

It is an invisible evil,

That you may think doesn't exist, 

As if Im a child 

Afraid of the monster under my bed. 

It is wanting to stay in bed,

But being afraid of getting in trouble..

Its constant pain that makes me want to die,

But its constant pain that has me frozen in fear. 

Its the relization that one day I will not walk this earth anymore.

Its the freezing, shaking, sweaty, fear 

Of speaking in front of people.

Or the nervousness that wont let me go out with friends.

Do you still not understand?

No, I do not do this for your attention 

That is the last thing I want

No, this is not a phase,

I wish it was 

Because this is a freezing,

Agonizing 

Terrifying 

Pain that keeps me awake 

This is the pain 

That keeps me awake thinking 

That every descion ive ever made is 

The wrong one. 

Its the fear that has kept me 

In a shell

And wont let me go. 

And I cannot explain any better