Grieving, one day at a time

I made this blog to let out all the emotions that build in inside me and to feel less alone, to put my grief “out there” so I feel like I’m not alone or that someone is listening, so most of the time my posts are dull and full with grief and anger or just utter sadness.

I want you all to know that a lot of the time that I’m not posting is because I’ve started learning how to cope with my grief and I’m starting to live my life once again as I did before. I wake up every morning and go to work without really thinking about the fact that my sister is dead as much as I did before. I see my friends every once in awhile and we laugh and we joke like we once did. I go to the gym. I do things with more ease than I would’ve done a year ago. I miss my sister everyday and I still have my shitty days but at the same time I’m starting to live my life like my own.

I hope this happens to you too, that one day you wake up and you’re no longer engulfed with sadness, I hope that one day you wake up and you’re you again, getting along with your life like you once did. you’ll have bad days and other times you’ll have days that you’ll forget that sadness even for a brief moment.

just keep holding on and let it be.

also, happy new year.

I was so happy when she finally got me a sister, yes the age gap was big (7 years) but at least I had a sister and I couldn’t wait for her to grow up so that she’ll become my friend, so that I could teach her to put on make up and do her hair, or we could talk about boys and her crushes, I couldn’t wait for that I honestly did but now I am one sister less than I used to be a year and five months ago and I still have no one to share these things with.

before my sister’s death, grief to me would be sadness over losing someone I love and that’s it, but no, it changed me as a whole person.

my grief had made me more anxious and panicky in general, before my sister’s death I would never freak out as I do these days, the tiniest thing would make my heart race.

as I’ve mentioned in my previous posts how much I’ve been enjoying my new job but that I was starting to get anxious very easily lately, I think my anxiety and grief are correlated some way even if I was getting anxious over something that’s not related to my sister’s death.

there’s one thing though that I can’t get over, I feel like every morning the moment I start waking up my grief hits me all over again. I feel it happen almost everyday. my body starts waking up (no longer deep sleeping or I just open my eyes or turn off my alarm) my grief hits all over again; I get nauseous and scared and my heart starts beating so fast like it’s anticipating that something shit is going to happen (joke’s on my heart shit already happen) and that happens almost everyday and I will start my day with this feeling.

heck last night I don’t even know what happened, I wasn’t asleep and I wasn’t awake, I remember things that happened but I’m not sure if I was asleep or awake I still don’t, I barely slept but I wasn’t awake as well, it really felt like I was in a parallel, like I remember feeling like shit and walking around my room and setting up another alarm for some reason that I can’t even recall but I’m not sure if I was awake and did set an alarm or not, my entire night was a blur as if I blacked out, and then I woke up very scared and anxious.

I love sleeping because it’s the only time I could escape this world.

to me that’s how I feel a lot of the time when I’m anxious or panicking.

like I’m reaching out for air trying to catch my breath but something keeps pushing my down that I can’t even breathe.

so my sister have been gone for like a year and four months and just after she died my youngest sister would tell me I’m her second favorite sister, but the for like more than a year she’d keep saying that me her favorite sister and she wouldn’t even acknowledge that we had a sister or that she’s her favorite or whatever.

today though my sister was going through her closet I guess and she found our sister’s all bag from god knows when that had putty or slime (some of that disgusting stuff) and she was playing it, so she was playing with it in front of me and then she looked at me and said “you’re my second favorite sister” and I said “is .... your top favorite?” she smiled and said “yes because she kept this putty for me like a surprise even though she’s not here” and it wasn’t like she was getting emotional or welling up, she was just saying it as a matter of fact and she looked so happy having found this.

I’m still in trouble but things went well thank god.