I am tired. Tired of pretending I’m happy with being alone, happy being independent and in peace with my solitude. I am not. Not always, at least. I get older and see people fall in and out of "love“, moving on to the next one while I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that no person loved me properly. Like ever. I am tired pretending I don’t need what those "ordinary“ people have. I do need it. I need love, I need someone who would love me the same way, I just need to be SEEN. KNOWN. Is it really too much to ask for? I have so much love inside of me, so much I can offer, but I am naive to think this all will come naturally, love, I mean.

I fear that no one on this earth is able to love me the way I need to be loved. That’s the reason why I never really connected with anyone before and why I never got into a relationship. Because do other people understand the deep love I need to feel? I feel like the love I see on the streets between two lovers is ordinary love, love that will pass after maybe a month. Two. Maybe two years. Because it’s not the love that’s forever. I think the love I need is on such deep level that you just *know*. You know this is it, this is the deep ache in my heart that only the person I REALLY love and respect will fill.

I mean…people say "I love you" all the time, but do they actually mean it? Do they feel it? Do they feel the arching pain of the overwhelming love you feel for another person you dare to call your soulmate?

Of course you can meet people on dating apps, search for the thing you dare call love, but am I really a fool if I hope to find the love I need without searching for it? Maybe the love I need doesn’t exist yet, maybe the people walking past me as if I were a ghost are too ordinary? But what type of narcissism is it to believe I deserve a love this deep? That I’m not like them? Is it a jealousy I feel? Am i jealous that for others it’s so easy to "love“ someone without needing to know all the edges and depths of their soul? Because I feel like I could just do what others do. Start just dating someone, but what does it matter if they don’t love me like I truly need to be loved? If they don’t yearn for my love? What type of narcissism is it to believe I love in a way other people don’t? Because it’s weird I feel this way, for the reason I never loved anyone that way. So how can I know how I love? Why do I expect anyone to love me that way when I never loved?