my last post was about how i didn't know what i was doing with my life. i think i have a better idea? 

buddha, my first-ever dog died. which made me realize that life is short. and that i hated my job/workplace. so i quit and now i’m learning to code so i can work from home. and have a regular schedule aka have regular hours and not work weekends and holidays. 

i also want to start my own business somehow on the side. 

getting married. still debating kids. not sure i have the bandwidth.

my phd ex-therapist suggested i get assessed for autism. i thought about it for a year. finally decided to do it. psychiatrist who talked to me for 45 minutes didnt think i was on the spectrum. i think i’ll trust my therapist who spent a year and a half with me.

My favourite month of the year. Lit on fire. I have no idea what’s happening with me. I have my google calendar reminderfor a self reflection and it’s just sitting there. Overdue. I’m not ready to end therapy. I feel like my life fell apart last night. I mean. Actually work is going pretty well. I think I’m doing well in terms of being thorough with the orders. And now I just need to work on talking to people and letting them in. I fucking don’t want to though. I feel like that’s when people start talking about you behind your back.

It feels lonely in that office even though I’m surrounded by people. When there’s too many people, I get quiet. When there’s too many people with masks on, I tune out. It takes too much effort to try to make out what everybody’s saying. It takes too much mental energy and for what? Nothing. Today they were talking about how covid has put a stop on their dating lives and how it’s been so hard. And those things are true. And it’s still possible. I mean. Look at me. Although I shouldn’t speak too soon. I’m definitely in the phase of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Which is something I want to talk to J about. Anyway, dating. It’s prime time for it people. Everyone is lonely. Everyone has time. Traffic has gone down if you live in the city or in a suburb. Expand your radius. Expand your age range. Yes, there’s a risk of covid. But all of us health workers have been working together for 5 months in close proximity to each other and I don’t know one person who’s gotten covid at work. So it’s possible. And you have to compromise a bit. FaceTime and zoom first dates as much as you hate video. You don’t want to invest and meet someone you don’t know and risk getting covid? Then you need to consider doing a video first. Not only are you protecting yourself. You’re protecting other people. You don’t even need to leave your house or worry about who’s paying. They were just so discouraged and I’ll tell them tomorrow. I wanted to say something today but it was my first day doing p3 by myself and I was stressed. And working very hard. And when I thought about speaking up, my heart was fucking pounding out of my chest. Because anxiety.

So yeah, I guess work is working out!! Yay!! I will have to keep at it. And keep reading and studying and doing CEs. This is the vertical part of the stairs of progress that Joyce was talking about. Work hard a bit, then coast a bit. It doesn’t have to be go go go all the time. On the other hand, I feel like my personal life has imploded on itself. Yes, I found foxsy and she’s lovely. And it’s difficult for me to not run. The urge almost never goes away. And it’s the strongest it’s been now bc of what happened between Buddha and Sammy. And I mean. It was my fault. I invited him over. And didn’t really think it through. Was overly ambitious and was focused on accomplishing a task instead of trying to get to know and spend time with the human. It was my fault for inviting them both over. And then it exploded when I couldn’t ask them to leave when I wanted them to. If I want to invite someone over, I need to know how to ask them to leave. It was just a mess. I didn’t want to go hiking on Saturday bc I was tired. And forced myself. And felt like a Debbie downer. Then in attempts to make up for it, invited an activity that was wayyy overly ambitious.

And this thing with Joyce. This. Biweekly taper with this termination looming and pending is killing me. It’s really not helping the process at all. Like it’s just dragging this out in a painful way and I wish that we could just rip the bandaid. It’s too hard to open up, when I know that I have to close up. I already told work to get rid of my Friday mornings. So I’ll either have to catch Joyce on my random off days or something if I want to continue. It seems like there’s more work to do now. Like. Learning to ask for my needs and not betraying my own boundaries. I want to talk about waiting for the shoe to drop. And how I realized that I had stopped waiting for the shoe to drop with Joyce. At some point. I don’t even know when. And. What am I going to do when I stop waiting for the shoe to drop and tell my friends. Tell my parents. How am I going to tell my homophobic. And transphobic (more than they are homophobic) parents that I’m dating a trans woman? How. It’s feels eerily similar to how I felt when I was planning to come out to them. And I think coming out to my evangelical fundie parents was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. It was so hard. I cried so hard doing it. To think that I have to do that again? Fuck

Next session is going to be a full 50 minutes

I can delete my self reflection reminder email now ✅ you’re welcome internet strangers