if the earth is soooo beautfiul and humanity is soo good then why do my eggs smell like root beer in the morning

A beautiful woman named World Market Holiday Deals won’t stop texting me about her 20% off store wife coupons 

Youre either a pancake or youre not!!!!!!

If there is a little red number notification on my screen that I can’t immediately make go away I actually have a mental breakdown and start being filled with a wild desperation and insanity 

when I become president im going to put every single rock thats ever existed RIGHT back exactly where it was before

that’s actually a really cool product haha! Unfortunately you advertised it to me on a site that didn’t used to have ads so now I’ve sworn no one in my bloodline will ever purchase from you

if it weren’t for this damn jacket being so small and tiny and I can’t get it off right now you would be able to see how huge my muscles are. They are getting squeeze tiny by the jacket

they should let me heart react to when people heart react to my messages

I actually know everything about that I’m just not gonna tell you bc I really wanna eat cereal right now so I’m busy

my wife banned google from the house she said were all done knowing

Ur in her DMs I’m in the safari web page googling the definition of “stagnant” to see if I’m being insulted or not

Hongry

DARLING boy . Wha where is you hands? I want to hold them