new beginnings

Happy Thursday everyone! In a little over an hour, it will be Friday! Even though this is not the kind of Friday that calls for a woohoo TGIF-attitude, I’m still happy to have the weekend start. I unfortunately have not been doing very well with eating this week and I’m terrified to go on the scale. But today I was actually really good (I think!). I can tell because it is 10:45 PM and I feel a little hungry and lightheaded, which I usually do when I try to diet. 

Today I ate: 

Breakfast: non-fat greek yogurt, half cup blueberries and handful of raspberries (~150 calories) 

Lunch: Starbucks oatmeal, plain w/ splenda (160 calories)

Snack: nonfat greek yogurt (130 calories), grapes (~200... I went a little overboard on these), some turkey meat with taco seasoning (~70 calories), 1 slice of apple (20 calories), half cup berries (~50 calories)

Dinner: iceberg lettuce, 2 cups taco meat, salsa (300 calories)

Total = ~1080 calories, but was probably more like 1200-1300 because I usually tend to underestimate calories. 

I also walked a little under 6 miles, so it seems like this was a pretty good day. Eating at night recently has been really hard for me, especially because my house is SO FULL of delicious desserts, snacks and just so much food all the time. Growing up, my friends have always told me how they never understood how I lived here because of all the food. But instead of feeling bad for myself, I should (first of all) feel so incredibly grateful for what I have, and use this environment as a place for me to practice good self control. On to tomorrow! I’m planning on hiking in the morning. I also am going to try to stick to walking for the next few days as I’m dieting because I have been getting so muscular and I’m pretty sure it makes me eat horribly. Good luck to me!! <3 

I can’t believe it is already August! It has been one hell of a summer - that is for sure. I still have a little over three weeks in LA but to be honest I am itching to get back to Providence to start my junior year. Speaking of - junior year?!? How am I going to be a junior already. I honestly cannot comprehend this fact. I feel old. I am a little nervous for a lot of reasons - I am moving in to my own apartment with two of my close friends and my 18 year old brother is going to be a freshman at Brown as well. Pretty crazy, I know. But mostly I am just so excited to be back in my favorite place in the world and start classes and enjoy fall. 

In preparation for my arrival back at school, I am spending my last few weeks doing two part time internships, procrastinating buying apartment stuff and trying to get in shape (key word - trying). Luckily, I had an amazing sophomore spring semester, which included losing around (give or take) 15 pounds starting in January. Part of this was the fact that I had a bumpy breakup, which I initiated (fortunately or unfortunately), and this made it so I pretty much had no appetite and launched myself into a high-strung/psycho few weeks of feeling like a crazy person. I was abroad in Italy for half the summer, and apparently I gained a few pounds, but I’m still about 13 pounds lighter than I was last year at this time. WOOHOO! Go me. Although I would really love to lose 5 pounds before I go back to school so I can get back to 135-137 pounds. My goal weight (~dream~ weight) would be 132 pounds before school starts but that is unreasonable and honestly when I was at this weight over spring break, it was really hard for me to stay there without being emotionally disturbed / starving myself basically. 

So right now, I’m at about 140 pounds, depending on the time of day, and so I am going to try to get to 137 (solidly) at least before the year starts. I have four weeks from today to do this so I think it may be sort of doable? Hopefully. Being healthy makes me feel kick-ass so I’m going to try to stay motivated to do this. It is tricky for me because I am so f*cking msucular and build muscle so easily (I’m pretty sure the weight I gained in Italy was honestly from the crazy muscles that I built in my legs from walking and running anywhere from 10-15 miles a day on average). So I am going to try a new workout called Orange Theory tomorrow morning to see if I like it, and maybe try to do that a couple times a week. 

Good afternoon, everyone! It is currently a beautiful day in Providence, RI and I could not be more grateful. Sunshine is sticking to my bare arms and I am forever indebted to this feeling. I have been a little on edge recently so I want to write down a list of things for which I am grateful. There are so many more but I thought I would write about them in order to keep myself in a positive mindset because I think its important. 

I am going to try to journal every day - or at least three times a week. I think three times a week is a good promise that I can try tomato to myself. I really want to try to go on a journey of self-discovery, as cheesy as that sounds. I feel like I am on the edge of entering a new stage of my life, which is incredibly exciting but also very scary. 

I’ve gone through a lot of life changes recently - I’ve taken on a lot more leadership roles this semester and it has been challenging, overwhelming, but ultimately incredibly rewarding. I also broke up with my boyfriend of six months, who had been one of my best friends for a whole year before that. It was the most difficult conversation that I’ve ever had to have with someone. It is so hard to cause someone you love so much pain, but I owed it to myself to do what was best for me. To be honest, it was one of the most freeing and most empowering things that I have ever done. I love him, but I just realized I was not in love with him. 

It’s been about a month, and I’m finally coming down from the post-break up crazy adrenaline-filled, never-ending cycle consisting of a constant sinking feeling in my stomach and the inability to ever calm down. I feel more like myself. These past few weeks have been filled with some of the best and the worst times, but I can say confidently that I will look back on this time as the best semester of my life. Despite all of the turmoil, despite the fact that I feel as if my crazy-o-meter has reached new highs - I feel the most in touch with myself and my desires and my hopes that I have ever felt. I feel as if I know more what I want in my life, what I want to do in my life, what kind of relationship I want - all of the above. It is absolutely incredible, even though I am scared shitless. 

I can hear the rain outside of my tiny closet-like room in this old building - it’s been renovated way too many times that I can almost feel it fall apart as I lay my head down on my bed. I know that sometime in the next few hours, as the temperature keeps dropping, the rain drops will slowly transform into firm droplets of slushy ice that will plop on the sidewalks and melt into pools of oblivion. Then, the tiny pieces of slush will freeze over into fluffy pieces of dip N dots - like the kind I used to get at the local water park when I was a kid. On second thought, the water park was definitely not very local, I’m pretty sure we had to drive at least a few hours away but still it was always worth it. 

I have a lot of issues with eating sometimes, I can feel it in my bones when I want more and I know I shouldn’t. I go through good and bad periods, I try to make myself give back what I have already consumed but it is always a failed attempt, much to my own personal disappointment. I know that I should be able to get at grip on this at this point in my life but its really hard for me, to be honest, and I don’t always know what to do when I feel myself spiraling out of control in this part of my life. 

If by any chance, any of y’all reading this are residents of the beautiful city of Los Angeles AND also happen to be obsessed with frozen yogurt / frozen dessert of any kind, I have a life hack / cheat for you!! I have spent my middle school and high school years obsessed with Bigg Chill, the West LA froyo staple that is known across the city. I have known that their Carbolite and Wow Cow flavors are low-cal, but I did not know just how low-cal they are. 

Get ready for this.... The carbolite frozen yogurt flavors at Bigg Chill come in at 8 CALORIES PER OUNCE!! I am not kidding! And a small frozen yogurt is 6 ounces, making a small only 48 calories. And it is actually delicious!! Obviously, it depends on the flavors that change a few times a week. My favorite flavors of carbolite are cookies and cream, triple chocolate and NY cheesecake. I am obsessed with this froyo!! So, if you are looking for a super low-cal delicious dessert to satisfy your sweet tooth, head to The Bigg Chill!! You can thank me later ;) 

Hi everyone! I hope everyone had a lovely holiday season. I am very excited to say that I have been dieting in the last few weeks and I am finally down to 145 pounds! This is still about 10 pounds from my ideal goal, but it is 10 pounds fewer than what I was weighing at the end of the summer. I am honestly ecstatic. I am now able to fit in to clothes that I have not been able to wear since my senior year of high school and I am so incredibly happy about it. 

How did I do it? Well, obviously I am still working on losing weight, but most of all I am now just working to maintain this new and amazing weight and not fall back into old patterns. I have been eating a lot healthier over winter break since I got home (almost 1 month ago) about 10 days ago, I cut out most carbs and have been trying to replace meals with plain nonfat greek yogurt (I prefer the brand Fage!) and have been aiming to eat about 800-1000 calories a day. I am transitioning back into eating normal amounts of calories after being more “hardcore” for a week - some foods I really like are: 

Fage 0% plain Greek Yogurt 

Siggi’s Icelandic Skyrr Yogurt (Raspberry, Blueberry and Pumpkin are my favorite flavors!) 

Egg Whites 

Grilled Veggies 

Blueberries and Raspberries 

Something else that has been really helping me is not snacking at night. I know that this is no new information but it took me a really long time to finally implement this in my life (and I’m still working on sticking with it as a habit) but just after a little over a week of doing this I can see major results. For me, I had to shock my body the first few days of my strict diet - I ate basically three yogurts a day with berries and a few pieces of very lean clean protein for two days (around 500-600 calories). This really told me body that I was being SERIOUS about losing weight because I’ve had a lot of issues getting weight lose started for me in the past. I think this was very helpful. 

But overall, this is mostly about self control and good old fashion calorie cutting. It is unfortunate that there is no way around this but honestly major calorie reduction is the best way for me to lose weight, along with not very intense exercise. I have been going on long walks and light jogs, and mixing in a little bit of spinning (not going as hard as I usually do) and some lowkey HIIT and ab workouts. I find that working out too hard makes me super hungry and so I think this calorie reducing and light exercise combination is working well for me. More updates to come! 

It’s been a whirlwind of a semester. I cannot believe I am almost halfway through my sophomore year in college... honestly, where does the time go? I am absolutely astounded by how quickly the last few months have gone. I wanted to try to start writing again because I’ve been missing a creative outlet in my life in the past few months. I’ve been feeling pretty down on myself recently and I’m not sure why. 

To be honest, it’s a combination of things... classes, sucky weather and that feeling-icky-in-my-own-skin thing. For some reason, winter has really been affecting me more this year and I am not exactly sure why. I think that its probably because freshman year was super exciting and full of new experiences, and so winter did not have as great of an effect on me. This year, I am way more settled in to my life on the East Coast and winter isn’t as much of a novelty. I am mostly pissed off by dark and dreary days instead of being fascinated by the change in scenery from the sunny West Coast! Still, I’ve been extra down on myself recently. 

I cannot seem to get a hold of my eating habits and it’s really stressing me out. Since I live in a single that I normally equate space-wise to Harry Potter’s cupboard under the stairs, I have a bunch of food in my room all the time because I’m half off meal plan and cook a lot of the time. I seem to binge eat a lot and it’s an awful habit. I work out all the time and I’ve been training for a 10k but I still have been feeling particularly fat and gross recently. I usually do not eat in the mornings and eat something at about 12 or 1pm. I also have been doing a lot of late night eating which is really, really bad. I need a new plan for the new year definitely and I’m going to try to reel it in, so to speak. I’ll let you know what happens! Hopefully I can get back in shape over winter break :) 

I had a lovely day today and I’m excited to report that I’m already feeling better. Today I woke up and did a yoga class. I am really terrible at yoga, or to be honest I just have been resistant to it because I always feel like I’m not getting any exercise. However, there is a new yoga place near my high school that is offering a week of free classes so I was super excited to try it! The class was really amazing - it was the first yoga class I’ve enjoyed for a while! I am working on getting more flexible. 

I had chia seed pudding for breakfast after my yoga class from this Juice bar called Kreation down the street. Chia is a really great snack with amazing health benefits. This was chia seeds with almond milk, cinnamon, honey and diced almonds. A few hours later I had a greek salad for lunch with chicken and iced tea. Then I did the Kayla Itsines BBG Week 1, Day 1 workout which definitely kicked my butt. Later that night I went to a spin class because it was my favorite instructor and I have a bunch of free classes to use this month! 

One thing I am really excited to tell y’all about is a new ice cream I tried tonight. It is called Arctic Zone and it is only 35 calories per serving and 135 calories per pint which is AMAZING. The flavor I got tonight was cappuccino and it was really yummy! Obviously not quite as rich as regular ice cream but still a really delicious and guilt-free option for a dessert. I am definitely going to buy this more often because if I think about it, even if one at a whole entire jar of it - its still only 135 calories. I can imagine that this would be the best kind of ice cream to binge eat if you were upset about something and just needed a yummy treat to eat while crying on the couch, hahah. 

Now, I am putting this as my six week exercise plan because that is the amount of time I have at home until I go back to school. In reality I am going to continue something like this at school (or try my best to!) because exercising really really makes me feel good about myself because my relationship with food is still really complicated. I am not going to give myself a specific weightless goal because I have found time and time again that in the end this is not productive to me. I would prefer to just create healthier habits and hopefully see them become a reality for me in these next six weeks and beyond. My goal is to have a body that I love even more than I already love my own (trying to do the whole self-love thing!!) by Halloween so I can wear this really cute costume. Okay, so here’s my preliminary exercise plan. I’m guessing I will modify it as I see what is really realistic for me in my life. 

Monday-Wednesday-Friday: 

Kayla Itsines BBG workout 

Tuesday-Thursday: 

Spinning 

On days when I’m out of town and cannot get to spin studio, I will replace this with 45 minutes of some kind of cardio (running, biking, etc.)

INSANITY cardio ab workout

Saturday: 

30 min - 1 hour run 

INSANITY cardio ab workout

Sunday: 

Long walk 

Optional/If possible - spinning

I am also going to be trying out yoga classes and other random exercise classes if I can! I’ll post about how those go for me. 

Hey, everyone! Or, probably no one... I’m guessing that I don’t have a large following on this blog but I really don’t mind because I just find it a great outlet for my own musings. I am (still) embarking on the never-ending quest to a healthier lifestyle. It seems that nothing ever works for me, in terms of losing weight, but nevertheless, I am NOT going to give up hope. What I have decided on focusing on is just creating healthier habits. I have 6 more weeks until I go back to the East Coast for my sophomore year and I am nervous/excited/mostly REALLY REALLY excited. Oh, did I mention I’m excited? Anyways... 

As I was saying, I have six weeks to continue creating healthier habits for myself. Since I have trouble with sticking to diets in which one is supposed to eat specific foods, I have decided that I want to create an exercise plan that I will more realistically be able to stick to. In terms of eating, I want focus on portion control. I eat mostly healthy foods but I am really bad with portions sometimes. If I can try to always leave something on my plate that would be awesome! I know some people do the eat only half of what is on your plate thing, and so maybe I’ll give that a try, but for now definitely leaving stuff on my plate at restaurants and just giving myself smaller portions when I can is what I want to try to do. 

I also really want to try to cut out carbs as MUCH as possible. Now, I am realistic and know that for myself personally I can never totally cut out carbs. I have been toying with the idea of doing Monday-Thursday carb free and Friday-Sunday YES carbs, but I’m not really sure if this is going to work for me to be honest. For now, I really need to try to focus on eating healthy carbs when I do eat carbs. Additionally I need to cut down my fruit portions that I eat on a daily basis. I tend to binge-eat fruit like berries, grapes, cherries, etc because I think its healthier than eating something else. But in the end, there is a TON of sugar in fruit and this is also not healthy in large quantities. So just trying to limit fruit is a great idea for me. 

I truly believe that food for the soul is also just as important in my life. There are a few goals that I have for the next month and a half. I want to read at least two to three books on topics that are healing and fun for me. I am starting with a book called the Untethered Soul. I also want to read some fun fiction books that are good for summer! I also really want to start going to church as much as I can and being really aware of myself and my mind. I am not the most religious person in the world and I am not exactly sure what I believe specifically regarding God, but I do believe that there is something larger than myself out there and this is very comforting for me. I believe spirituality is a very important aspect of living a healthy and fulfilling life. 

Another goal I have is to write at least 2 songs in the next month. I have been playing piano all my life and writing songs is a really great way for me to express myself and process feelings. It is truly therapeutic for me. I would love to play piano everyday if I can in the next six weeks. I also want to write on this blog as much as possible! It is helpful to feel like all of this work is for some purpose even if in the end I don’t get exactly the physical results I hope I do. Honestly, I know I am most likely not going to change my body in a radical way but I WILL come out of the next six weeks feeling good about myself and with an improved ability to practice healthy habits in my life. 

Hello there! I know I haven’t posted for so long. And I’m so sorry that this is the case! I know so many people read this blog and are probably wondering why I have gone MIA (lol totally kidding). Anyways, I just finished up my freshman year at Brown and it has been a crazy whirlwind. I got high for the first time, I’ve started having good sex for the first time (!!!) and I’ve learned how to survive with basically no sleep. As you can tell, life has been very exciting. However, I feel like I’ve gotten slightly out of check with my body and my health lately because I have been so stressed out and surviving winter and trying to create my own eating habits have all been challenging! 

As a continuation in my series on Why Boys Suck, I am here to give you the deets on what went down between me and this beautiful boy (We're calling him Tom, Remember?) from New Zealand on whom I developed a giant crush on. Last time we checked in, I wrote about when we ALMOST kissed one night at a party but he had to peace out because his cousin was lost somewhere on campus. 

Anyways, over the past few months since there, I've developed a friendship with him. Not gonna lie- I am still pretty proud that I got him to notice me anyways and that we ACTUALLY became good friends. However, this was not very good for my mental health because our vague friendship/flirtation was very confusing to me. Now this is the story of how this wonderfully shitty boy led me on for 4 months straight. After our fleeting interaction at a party that night, I saw him a few days later and (gasp!!) he waved at me! I was so excited because I thought that meant maybe he was still interested. Over the next few weeks, we kept talking whenever we ran into each other and finally in late October he friended me on Facebook. Pretty big step, I know. 

Anyways, cut to one weekend when I run into him at another party during which another sophomore boy is very obviously flirting with me. Tom walks in, sees us talking and comes over to say hello. Boy #2 continues to speak to me and Tom walks off to play some BP. Throughout the next hour or so, Boy #2 is still chatting me up and Tom seems to be ignoring me so I decided to leave the party. A few minutes later tonight, I get a Facebook message from Tom: "Aren't you getting a lot of attention tonight!". That it when it hit me- I had made him jealous without even meaning to! It was a gloriously perfect plan and it worked. He proceeds to ask me if I left the party, I walk back in because I had really just gone outside to get some air. Then he walks me home- but guess what- NOTHING happens. 

Since I've come back to school, I have really felt good about myself in almost every way. Honestly, I feel like I have direction in my life for once and that I kind of/sort of/maybe know what I want to do in life. Or at least I have an idea! That being said, I still woke up this morning hungover from drinking way more than I said I would, and with a hickey from a guy I swore I would NEVER kiss again. But that's life, isn't it? 

Anyways, I have felt almost unstoppable since I've been there. And I think that is because I've decided that I am going to finally stop taking shit from people once and for all. I won't be taking shit from friends, guys, adults or anyone in my life anymore. I really don't care very much about what others think about me- I will do what makes me happy and then I will be happy. First of all, my classes are really amazing this semester. New classes at the beginning of a new semester are always the best. Everything is fresh and new and exciting. I love my professors; I love my friends; I love myself (for the most part!). I think I've decided on my major and I know possibly what field I want to get into after I graduate college. Although I know that these decisions could change very quickly, I still feel good about having something figured out in my life to an extent. 

Also, not to get into any gory details, but I did something the other night with someone that I haven't done in a while (mmm... sexy time). When I got to college, I kept waiting to have a boyfriend or find someone I really like to do something like this with. This semester, I realized that I don't need that. Surprisingly, I am really happy about my decision. It made me feel happy and gave me a fresh perspective in life because its been a while since I've....err... done that. Boys are idiots at this time in their lives and I'm not looking for commitment anyways. I'm having fun, respecting myself and hanging out with people that treat me with respect. 

I just got back on campus yesterday and I am incredibly happy to be back! I can't wait to start all of my new classes. It is wonderful to see all of my amazing friends again. However, happy is definitely not the way I would describe my feelings toward the freezing weather that is about to descend upon us in the coming weeks. This is my first real winter and I'm kind of (TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY) freaking out. 

Today was my first real day at school and I was really healthy today! I'm so proud of myself. Starting off the year on a good note feels great. I will outline my eating today: 

Breakfast: 

Small bowl of oatmeal, cinnamon 

Coffee with a splash of soy milk

Lunch: 

Pineapple, blueberries

Handful of almonds

Brown rice spicy tuna roll 

Black tea 

Snack: 

Grapes

Dinner: 

Raw spinach with olive oil 

1 piece of grilled chicken breast 

1/2 cup of couscous with veggies

1 cup broccoli 

1/3 cup hummus 

5 mini mozzarella balls 

Dessert/Snack: 

100 cal. Icelandic yogurt 

1 apple

strawberries, blueberries, pineapple 

So, theres my first day! Of course I could have been better because the quantity of fruit that I ate was pretty significant, but overall, I'm really proud of myself. I ran two miles outside today and walked at least 2 miles, as well as did 25 minutes on the stair master (burned approx. 250 calories) plus abs/plank/etc. I feel awesome! Hope to continue doing well this semester. 

There is nothing in the world like a good friend. Honestly. A good friend can make you cry and a good friend can make you laugh even after you've been bawling your eyes out for hours. There are certain moments in my life when the significance of my friends really hits me and I realize that I could not survive without them. Or at least, my life wouldn't be half as meaningful if they were not in it. 

My best friend from high school has been a loyal friend to me for years now, and even though I love all my new college friends, there is something about the familiarity of a high school friend that is irreplaceable. I know that not everyone finds people they really click with in high school, and overall I still think my college friends get me in a way that my high schools friends ever did, but still, I love my best friend from high school. I appreciate the way she allows me to be there for her, and how she is there for me. Her calls make my day, and after a few weeks of hanging out a decent amount over winter break, I just said goodbye to her. It was really bittersweet. To be completely honest, I was crying all the way home. 

I think reciprocity is what can make a friendship so impactful in our lives. Reciprocity is what makes or breaks all relationships, in fact. For some reason, there is no better feeling in the world for me than being able to be there for my friends in their times of need. I love listening to whatever they have going on in their lives, and I love being able to hug them when they are upset. It just makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I matter, and in turn, I can help them restore their feelings of mattering by being there for them. It's an amazing circle of healing.