ive discovered im very likely OCD and ASD (turns out the venn diagram of these is like 99% a circle) and ive been struggling to internalize and adapt to that information, as well as shift therapy focus toward it. i love my therapist and she's been undergoing her own personal research for herself + her kids as they show similar signs.

it came as kind of a shock to me. so many of my friends are on the spectrum so i was very familiar with the condition and how very different (and yet so common!) it is among all people. but when i self-tested i was always very low and on a "meh, maybe" borderline. this is why its important to check with a 3rd party to get a more unbiased opinion.

im one of those non-stereotypical cases. very empathetic and social. critical of myself and worried about "acting normal". repetition is comfortable to me but i do it internally/quietly. executive function and inertia are really hard on me. i enjoy conversation and small talk and staying in touch with people. i do well with understanding animals. i have only mild sensory processing issues. group activities are fun and something i seek out daily, but i might suddenly run out of battery. or not! my capacity to do stuff varies greatly from day to day. and very good at masking and holding it together in situations, only to collapse later on. my need to stim is pretty lowkey.

it was hard for me to pick what specific traits to put on this. im still not 100% happy with my choices but i never will be, i think. i detest the idea that certain Things instantly flag you as [insert ND diagnosis here], such as Liking Trains or Biting Your Nails. its part of the reason why i had such a hard time understanding myself. i was trying to check a bunch of boxes that would never fit me.

making this image was kind of me thinking back on how i acted and felt and thought as a kid, versus an adult now with the experiences and tools to manage my life. so a lot of these are not autistic "tells" as much as they are part of a constellation of traits that i was struggling to deny and rationalize. but doing that betrays that bright little kid who didnt have the help she needed. and so i cant reject who i am anymore. i accept it now. she deserved better.