In my most painful moments of recent years I still had the desire to get somewhere, to reach were I hadn’t yet reached. To please and feel gratifications. I don’t know if i have ever had it in me to strive and ‘do it tough’ and when i did, well i think im still recovering. But some people choose it, i sort of fell into it. Im not strong like those get up and go people, as some might put it; thinking of those people that eat cans of beans or only op shop or live in a share house for a wretched amount of time to reach their desired dream or goal. Before i fell into fate I had something inside telling me to go out and see people, to care about life and the funny things we do to fill it up. Like celebrations, and shopping, cooking and projects. I used to write all the time. It was a need in me to express the pain that I was feeling that contrasted the ups of existance. A release i guess. It helped me to survive. That need i had to write and discover is still here but instead of feeling like a pang of hunger i had to fulfill, it now feels like a whisper, quieter than before, as if something or someone is putting it out. Maybe it had a life time and it is coming to the end. I fear i am dying, like there is nothing left. like there is no breath to nurture what i think is down the road. It seems so predictable and relentless from struggles, finance, jobs, i don’t want to do it. I know no-one wants to do it, but i really don’t want to. So in the desire to write and the idea of rediscovering, I find myself in a similar place and yet I feel so different to then. I was alone then and dealing with being alone. I think i dealt with it so much that I was enjoying the solitude. My life was full of insights and growth. I felt like there was an essence to me, a substance, I guess you can call it life force. I wanted to go on and see what or who was around the corner. I had friends. I was young. And it was only just now. Ive blinked and its 5years later. Today, I watch people, on the internet, tv… I recall people i have met and i recognise a running theme in which they all seem to have. An enthusiasm, an effortless expression in their voice, their actions, the things they have to say and share to everyone. I just feel so tired and withdrawn. Not withdrawn like I’ve experienced before. I went through a period overseas where I used fear judgement, but now it is almost as if i have nothing to contribute. I don’t have what the world seems to run on. What are others getting that i’m not? I just don’t want to participate anymore. Maybe i am ill or something, low in vitamins, or low in thyroid function. I could just be dehydrated and sleep deprived, so much so that I have become accustomed to the feeling. I don’t sleep regularly, and having to buy water all the time is a bit tedious. I’m not single anymore. Don’t tell me i am one of those people that loose themselves in a relationship. i was so aware of that. Wasn’t i? I spent the last couple of years before my current partner sam, finding myself, or more suitably, ‘creating’ myself, so sure i wouldn’t let go of me. It was almost like i never had me, all the years between birth and creating this portrait of myself And for a glorious moment there she was. Mid to late twenties, beautiful, brave, fragile, creative and trying. Now i am just turned 30 and am i really any different? Did i kid myself into thinking i had grown and let go of what i thought i had let go of. Instead of asking why cant i have this that or the other like before, i find myself giving up on that and asking why am i here? Will it end soon? I am afraid of failing this life. I had so much to give and share and i feel used up like the harsh unforgiving life here has taken away my worth. Turned me into something i almost cant beat. I know what i yearn for, i know what is in me. It might be a whisper and i might have been doing a great job at ignoring it, or pretending i would like to do it later down the track, because the life i have now wouldn’t allow it, i missed it, but can i? When is later down the track and why would it be better then? Wouldn’t it be harder down the track? time goes on and debts are made, responsibilities arise, ties made, settling expected… i was meant to do this before all of ‘This’ started…5 years ago, so why would i again give it up? Am i brave enough to go find it? I doubt myself! I thought it was hard to be sad and emotional, but i am finding it is even harder to be indifferent, numb and half gone. Somewhere, somehow, in the misery of the past 4/5 years i became inactive. I gave up, and i feel so close to really giving up. Maybe what i wanted to give up on felt like wanting to giving up life.. But really i think i want to give up what is in my life. Can i ignore this? Suddenly i am not so sure that i can bare this slow process of dying inside any longer. When i was single i was preparing for something big. If one would go back to my old journals and note books they would see lists of wishes. Travelling, exploring, enjoying new experiences…i bought inspiring books and talked about the beauty and cultures i was after, the magical adventures between yourself and the universe, the image of yourself in front of a burning sunset your feet in a far away ocean. Buying wares in Marrakech from wrinkled and toothless men or tasting produce in a fresh food market in france. But it never seemed conceivable. I was a young women, feeling like a young girl, too fragile and timid to go and set foot on any of these dreams. I wasn’t out to “contiki” and i didn’t have the money to shop. I was afraid of many things. Missing home, leaving my precious dog, flying, crashing, getting ill, hurt, running out of money, feeling lonely or stupid all alone in the middle of nowhere to prove something to myself that didn’t need a life savings and leaving people for. I didn’t know how to accomplish the travel i desired, i could only conjure an image of travel on what i see others do, and it always involved drinking and lowering your boundaries and ‘enjoying life’ this all just scared me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ive been told the universe is inside. What we need is always inside. And the world we experience being in, is simply a reflection of ourselves. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ive met someone who is almost impossible to leave. We fell fast and yes hard. All events were synchronistic and against all odds meeting from being on the other side of the planet worked well. Being same sex had its challenges and sam just out of highschool would soon find convincing her family would be a task as our relationship grew stronger in her trip to australia. We wanted to then go back to europe together for a. It of a holiday with Options for me as a ballet dancer and work for ru before thinking of settling somewhere else for a while perhaps to study and see what fancied us. Literally, a legal document of immigration is holding us together until it clears. We have carried ourselves from home bases of Australia and Romania to try a new life in the U.K. and back to Australia in a bid to stay together in a country that will allow it. It has been 4 years. Somehow we thought being together would make life better, that it would answer our dreams. We loved each other, and thought the world would too. Sam wanted to leave her abusive family and i wanted to leave my hometown for bigger things and we both wanted to explore and put our feet in places we hadnt walked. Little did we know neither of us would have an easy time working while travelling, sams family wouldnt let her go and after our meet in australia we were stuck together in romania with her manipulating and cruel family. I spent all my money that was meant to set something up in the uk waiting for her to be allowed to leave. Once they finally allowed us to leave 5 months into our 12 month trip my dad sent me emergency money after i half told him what happened just enough to leave for uk. it was too late for me to set anything up, i couldn’t get a work visa and sam while being european, still didn’t meet requisites that would allow us to to work and live Easily. Sam managed a low paying job and we lived in a studio room hostel without an oven run by a middle eastern 90 something year old man. We always paid on time, but survived off 25£ a week food. In this time unknown to me my medication had changed with all the flying and temp changes and was no longer working. Despite the lack of food money i managed to put on 10 or more kilograms in a couple of weeks and I fell into depression, insomnia and fatigue from a sluggish thyroid. Despite leaving sams family in january they demanded almost daily phonecalls and manipulated sam into guilt and dramatic fights every week, if we didnt answer they got more cruel and victimised themselves. they tried to convince her i was a bad untrusting person and always reminded her of how incapable she was of living and working away from home. Even though sam had planned to live abroad and study before we met, this option to them was leaving too early and stupidity. All this created so much tension in our new relationship. I developed tmj from stress and grinding ,my teeth at night, my temples were swollen and i had to ice them every day. I spent most of time crying in bed and developed a new sinus allergy from literally too much crying for too long (which still affects me to this day) when i wasn’t in the room i was feeling insecure and awkward wandering london while sam was at work, or on the occasion we ventured away from the hotel together to much in a daze to take in any joy and simply ended up with sore and swollen joints from walking around so long to avoid going back to the depressing hotel. we were scared and alone, we had no friends, and when one of my friends was temporarily in london the meet was awkward and anti climatic. With all the pressure sam was feeling to bring money in, and keep me happy she started looking out at other women in front of me yet wouldn’t allow us to be intimate together unless it was un feeling and empty. I was so sad, poor, alone, sick and ashamed. I left my job, my family, my friends for a trip of a lifetime i was meant to dance with an offer from a friend in wales who had a ballet company, i was meant to see france, italy, uk but because we were stuck in romania i missed my opportunity. all i saw was the apartment room in the jail that was romania and the hotel room in uk that i was too poor to leave. Amongst all this, sam was figuring herself out if she was transgender or not, she wanted to go for hormone therapy but was doubtful, she dressed like a man but felt incredibly insecure and like a fraud. Even though she is incredibly androgynous looking, she felt like a freak and longed to be like others. I became her counsellor and let her explore this, encouraging her to try out new things. This period of time only made us feel outcasted and unwanted even more than a same sex couple. Sam would have to pretend to be girly in her admin role at work and would come home guilty of breaking her promises to me to be herself, regretful and depressed she couldnt and wouldnt be herself. Ive had this contract with sam of duality. endurance, tolerance, digging deep. Ive been angry and screamed and thrown things. Ive been ugly. Ive been hurt and confused. I have become depressed and tired. Ive lost social outings, friends, and become so far from myself like i haven’t been allowed to be myself anymore. I have gained weight and become humiliated and resentful. I am angry at my partner for treating me like an actress in their play. Like a doll like a guinea pig. I have been their mother, their sexual fantasy, their counsellor. I have been their for them to experiment their expression of self. Their white board to wipe clean and try again. All this time i thought i was having a relationship with them, but I’ve only ever been this avenue of escape to them between glimpses of a real person, a real relationship. After i have ranted and raged, it is like my partner just spins a wheel and our fate is at the hands of a gamble. Too young to know what she needs but demands what she wants: me. Apart from the document that binds us, what makes it hard to leave is that all the nonsensical shortcomings of my partner have been out of immaturity and lack of experience rather than a nasty act. and every time we come together to make it right, it almost does become right, things are admitted and efforts include journals, meditations, therapy. the pain that my partner left before me is willing her to make sense of it through me. I don’t know how long she needs to do this and i fear it will always be like this until there is no one left for her to project this on. And she knows this. We talk about this, she wants to make it right and work it out. She knows she holds us back and instead of wanting to leave she desperately holds on and uses self work as the bribe. She is in noway shape or form a bad person, she has left a bad life and is trying to be anything of what she left, but is finding it is all inside her. She desperately wants to have a relationship because she feels she has it in her to do so, i just don’t know whats right. I have helped her so much that i became this service that regrettably has been indulged and abused. It has been agreed upon that once this legal obligation to allow immigration is cleared we will decide to take space, a break. This person owes alot more than what i have written about them but i guess i need to justify wanting leaving. I mean we all cross boundries in our relationships, we make mistakes, but there has been no violence, drugs or alcohol involved, essentials are missing. Trust. Trust that shes not making a mistake with me out of fear. Trust she does want me over others. Trust she will be honest and not lying to herself and me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Just before xmas, I left my job here in my home town. I needed to leave despite my situation with sam. I am not really bound by anything here in my home town. I have pets, one belonging to me and the other between myself and sam, im sure sam could watch them. We have grown together, sam has come on in huge amounts, and life is much more peaceful. Sam has accepted for the most who she is but still has troubles knowing who to be, yet still insists our relationship need not be in danger because of it. It is hard to know why you want to leave when you love someone, if you’re not careful you can easily get pulled back into the love and enjoying each other. We do have alot of fun together and want to enjoy life, we want the same things but as time goes on fear sets in, im 30 and sam 21, will we still be in sync as time comes? As easy as listening to a song, or spending a good time with a friend or family. Things disappear until again are forgotten or even simply forgiven till you find yourself there again with a repeat of what pulled you apart before. What pulls us apart now is simply human nature that has been tainted by our past of being mistreated. What may be once accepted is now taken as threat. Her looking out at others, in sometimes spiteful acts of the past, now has to be clarified that its not her doubting us but simply finding someone attractive. She avoids looking anyone these days in fear that it will trigger another misunderstanding that between us inevitably snowballs and always leads to questions of “what we want and if we will split when we can” I am ashamed to write about our problems, and bored of it too. The amount of time sam and i have discussed, thought, talked, fought, cried, meditated, debated, and thought we debunked it, we are pushed further into it like it is willing us to just let it be and accept the hurtful moments but not as a direct attack or meaning something its not. I am torn. In many directions. I Am scared i am wasting the time i have here. I dream of being on my own. I fantasise of my own place, where i decide whom if anyone is allowed in, not discriminating anyone, all are uninvited. There is nothing personal, i am just that entirely desperate to be on my own and relish in my things placed on my own bench tops and cupboards, shelves and floor i feel letting someone in is too risky. Like i will spend all my time bunting my face against all territory that another scent will mess it up. I can see myself deliriously happy lying on the floor doing a snow angel but where there should be snow is nothing but me and my place. y I dream of dating, meeting someone who i like and who likes me. A man, a women who knows what they’re about…but without being thrown into family drama and baggage that i have to peel away at. I accept sams scars but does she? She is the one continuously putting on the breaks, denying it, blaming me for wanting her to live honestly and then begging to make it right. and i am becoming unforgiving. I want to be able to go home back to my haven and talking to them when i feel like it next maybe after seeing someone else. This feels grown up to me. Like i should be here. Not in this stagnant place where nothing seems to work for us. I dream of travelling alone to nepal and walking a pilgrimage, spending time in nature, secluded. Maybe there i could unload. I could disappear but i could meet people and let them go again, meet more people and let them go too, behind with my footprints. I also dream of staying with sam and instead of whirling around here, taking a leap and moving away together to start something new. All forgiven and forgotten. On both sides. Try what we first went to try. Sam is so guilty for her actions and wanting to please she always puts me first. She has always treated me like a princess, its in her silent actions and behaviour that leads me to question. Why wont she open up to me? Why does she choose stubbornness over love? Is she a brat or just not in love, both? The truth will be starring us in the face and she will still deny it till we are literally cross eyed and blue in the face. Only after a week of living like housemates will she come forward and admit things. Never will she come to me and question my actions. I feel too parental. 10:10 There are fears with all directions, will i be scared to be alone? Will i do it wrong and end up in a bad situation, am i clever enough? The pilgrimage, Will the freckles on my sensitive skin become so many that they’ll almost join up? Will i become wrinkled in the sun, and how will my skin cope without a face routine ill blemish all the time. I need daily medication or ill slowly shut down before slipping into a coma. Some people can survive in a jungle for months, but even if i did defeat all odds what about my my illness? And sam. What if we try again and what if we fail? What do i have left? To come back home to mum and dad AGAIN? I think i would rather risk it on the streets. Not at all because of them it is the issue of needing to just be on my own ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I have been told ill become a published writer, a traveller, someone in love to a man from abroad, and that ill have 3 children. Ive been told i will be a healer and that my work will take me all over the world. I was told i will travel for about 5 years only coming home for about 18 months between during that whole time. All this sounds like a dream to me. I feel like it really could be true if only i wasn’t held back by so many fears. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There are two people in my life that bring something really important to me. One makes me feel like life could magical and if i were with them, it would be like living something I’ve only read in a book. The other makes me feel doted on and excited about things that are fun and shared between a couple. One makes me feel attractive and positively special, and the other makes me feel accepted and almost in charge. One would do anything for me and the other well i think they put themselves first. One makes me feel mature the other makes me feel like a girl. One i cant stop thinking about the other i cant leave. One i love the other makes me feel loved. One makes me feel like i cant go further the other shows me i can. It sure makes me think. I'm grateful for these experiences. There are so many paths we can take, so many aspects of ourselves that we could explore, it brings up many questions about love and purpose, and choices... They are both showing or teaching me things. One seems to hold a magical glimpse into what could be, another life i could take, and the other well, i think maybe they see in me what i see in someone else. Yet their puppy acts of love and willingness to grow together cannot be ignored. I am utterly confused about what i should do, i really do not want to make a mistake. I love sam. I love her. We are due to move interstate next month, to start new jobs and courses, to be on our own again without the pressures of life before. Maybe i should go far away and see who it is that finds me.
kianamaiart
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