Fresh Brewed Cynic

I complain. Like ALOT I know. But I do really love the place. And My buddy J is why.

So awhile back I was manning the cafe by me lonesome. On the slower days of the week we have a skeleton crew, and so J was sent over to cover my break. Without saying anything to me he walks behind the counter and holds up a panini knife.

“I’m just going to CUT to the chase....(holds up a whisk) Im here to WHISK you away to a break.”

                                       (....................................)

He then picks up the tea pitcher

“Bet you didn’t PITCHER me saying that?” Hes in tears now trying to hold back his laughter to which he grabs our togo boxes (dubbed clamshells) “Should I just CLAM up?”

Holy balls it has been a while. 

Now that things have calmed down again, (finally) we are back to normal in Cafeland. That being said, it is currently spring break and I hate it. On one hand, there are more little ones running around throughout the day, which means more teeagers buying rediculous amounts of frappuccinos. But them I can handle. We also have our normal group for college kids the come into study throughout the day and occupy primo seats by the outlets. I can handle them too. 

It's the campers I have issue with. I call them campers because they have enough shit with them to last a week if need be. I mean its laptops, books, mass amounts of papers, huge bags, and more. They have SO much stuff that the drag tables and chairs over to there little camp site and set up shop. Do you know the sounds metal makes when its dragged against ceramic tile? The kind that makes your ears bleed, that's what. At least they buy stuff.

Right?

Ha, no. No they do not. Like all good little campers they have a steady supply of food and drink packed up with them. Which only upsets them we we have to tell them to not eat outside food in our cafe. At least they put all the tables and chair back, right?

HA.

Every year there is a tree lighting event at our mall. It is always swamped. Armed with five servers, tons of cookies, and a comically large amount of mocha, we prepped for the evenings insanity. Before the masses came in, I served an older couple. They were nice as anyone could be,. When I handed them their order the lady stares at her drink almost confused.

“Oh. You don’t have the red cups?”

Sweet merciful shit. Are you baiting me for this stupid debate? Was this going to be a precursor for the whole night?

Even though I see a few hundred people a week I do recognize those that come in more often than most. I remember their names, (after a few tries) and whatever their drink of choice is. One of them just so happens to look like Chris Evans.

            ( I am not entirely  convinced that it ISN’T Chris Evans.)

Anywho, I have a young lady that is quickly becoming a regular and her drink of choice is a little...concerning. Her order is this:

Venti Black Iced Tea, with 7 pumps classic (that's just the liquid sugar), 2 pumps Toffee Nut, Half & Half instead of water, and easy ice.

Like, I know that milk tea is a thing. It's a very tasty thing, but with Half & Half? With all that sugary syrup? It has such a strong smell when I pour the tea from the shaker its almost like liquid candy. 

She is a nice enough lady, but I feel like someone needs to introduce her to Wilford Brimley.

Hello friends, it's been a while. My break in insanity had to end some time however.

From time to time we are asked about dairy substitutions. With the growing popularity of almond and coconut milk the questions have come more frequently. Sadly the only substitution we offer is soy. The only time that had been an issue was if the customer was allergic to soy.

This was a new one.

A young lady came in asking about the aforementioned dairy subs. When I told her all I had was soy, she said that would be fine and the order went on like normal. I handed her the order and moved onto the next customer which just so happened to be one of the store managers. (How does this keep happening?)

Half way through the transaction, Soy lady comes back up and asks if I added sugar to her drink. Now, I don't know what the common thought is amongst our customers is but we don't sprinkle that shit into everything we make. Also fun fact: the official starbucks brand soy is a vanilla soy. So yes there is already some sweetness in it. So I let her know that the soy has X grams of sugar in it.She makes that sound that lets me know I have somehow offended her on a personal level and drops this: 

  “I wish you would have TOLD me there was sugar in it”

             (I see...hold on...its coming to me...I see stupid in your future.)

You never said anything to me hinting that you couldn't have sugar. You didn't ask any questions about the soy when I told you it was all we had. How was I supposed to know what your dietary restrictions were? At this point, the manager soy lady interrupted chimed in trying to be helpful.

“Oh, would you like us to make you something else?”

“-scoff- No.-throws full cup of coffee into garbage can-”

Have you ever been out shopping and just couldn’t find the thing you were looking for? When this happens to you:

A) Assume the store doesn't carry the thing you were looking for

B) Find the nearest customer service area and ask for assistance

C) Wander the store, yelling the name of the thing until someone stops to help you

If you answered C, I fucking hate you. 

So this happened a few days ago, (before I decided to test just how sharp our new knifes were. Hint: VERY) and was headed back to cafe land for my break. Wallet in hand I am stopped by an older gentleman.

“Nora Roberts?”

“Excuse me?

“Nora Roberts.”

“...Are you looking for a book?”

“Yes, Nora Roberts.”