#work stories

As I was checking her mother out at the register she pulled out a handful of rubber rats from her pocket and put them on my counter, to which her mother sighed and said "no sweetie, he doesn't need rats" to which I just looked at her like this

1. An old lesbian woman who was very enthusiastic about my protect the dolls pin once I explained what it was. As she was adamant about the importance of queer visibility in every day life to generate acceptance. She was sweet and just looking for a shovel handle lol.

2. The most disassociated and snooty looking academic egg with a thick grey wool sweater, white collar, and man bun. His eyes… were so sad. And he was kinda rude.

I picked it up and told them we could not kill it, for his name was Hector - noble prince of Troy.

I work part time at a science museum in the cafe, and this particular museum is directed towards kids and families so we get tons of younger kiddos coming into the cafe every day. But one of my favorite things to do when a kid wants ice cream (or some other sweet treat) but its clear their parents or grandparents or whatever adult they're with doesn't want them to have sweets at 11 in the morning is to tell the kid "Nooo you don't want that, it's got Dinosaur Cooties on it". And I get one of two responses from this

One being "D: !!!!!!!" utter horror, "what do you MEAN dinosaur cooties exist??? I have to worry about THAT now???" and it is the funniest thing. Bonus points if the adult they're with plays along. Works best on younger kids, they're ALWAYS shocked that there's this New Cootie they have to worry about and suddenly the sweet treat is not at the forefront of their mind.

Response two being "No way >:(" to which I go "Yeah, you've seen Night at the Museum, right? The dinosaurs come to life every night! The big one in the lobby, her name is Rexie, she comes in here and *licks* all the ice cream, gets slobber *everywhere*, it's suuuuuper gross :(" That usually gets them LOL. Again bonus points if the adult plays along (most do, funnily enough!)

I've also had several kids come up to me throughout their meal and ask "Are you SURE there's dinosaur cooties on the ice cream???? D:" or something along those lines, and when I tell you I keep the bit going as long as I can.... It is so funny. I am nothing if not a man for the bit.

my most eccentric coworker (man in his 60s. albert einstein hair. pants belted up around his ribcage. we'll call him Duck): "WAIT. Before we start the meeting. Hey Manager, do you remember the restaurant I told you about a while back, Patty's, in [town about a 2 hr drive from us]? And how it has the best pizza in the state? And you went to [town] and went to PATTY'S and then didn't get the pizza?"

Manager: "uhh. Yes?"

Duck: "Well I brought some for you!"

and my man fucking. pulls a ziploc bag out of his pocket. with half a slice of pizza in it. frozen solid. and deposits it into my manager's hand. And he says.

"Here. pizza from Patty's so you can try it."

Manager, in a tone of sort of surreal bewilderment: "The date on this says March 8th?"

Duck, BEAMING with pride over this sad greasy little ziploc of frozen pocket pizza: "That's the last time I went! I froze it for you though, you just need to thaw it so you can eat it."

Manager: "Thank you. Um. I'm not supposed to - I can't accept gifts from employees above a certain dollar amount but uh-" [he starts laughing] "I mean. this is a priceless item. Clearly. i don't know what the rules are for "priceless." I'll have to check, I guess."

Duck, SO helpfully, POSSIBLY joking (?): "If you leave it on your laptop during the meeting then the heat from your laptop will thaw it during the meeting."

Manager: "That's - okay. I am not going to do that. Thank you, Duck. Um. God. What was I even going to say."

[later, after the meeting is over, me and a couple coworkers following my manager back to his desk]

another coworker, morbidly curious: "Hey Manager are you going to eat it?"

About a week ago, one of the guys in a different team that's been struggling was running out a bit early, and as he was leaving, without thinking, I said, "Take it easy!"

My manager, overhearing this, teased me, saying that particular guy is already taking it too easy, so I shouldn't encourage it further. Then he says:

"You should tell him the opposite. Tell him to take it hard."

I suppressed a laugh, nodded, and went about my work.

But my boss keeps saying it.

He had to bounce from this business trip early to go on a different business trip to a different continent for one of our other projects, and upon leaving, told me to "take it hard" for the rest of the week.

It's spreading to other members of the team stationed outside Japan. The local team lead here told me last night that we should "take it hard" today when doing a bunch of field sales.

I need to emphasize that this phrase is always said in English. I'm not translating. The literal phrase "take it hard" is assailing me from all sides.