freowine

Ever since the girl I was stalking found out about it I’ve been teetering on the edge of delusion, like maybe she likes how obsessed I am, or maybe she is stalking me back and thinks like this. I know it’s not true but one of these days I’m going to wake up and believe it I can feel it coming

I feel a horrible gut wrenching agony stomach dropping emptiness whenever I see her or know she’s around- we get the same bus most days and live almost around the corner from eachother

The thing I hate most is I am incredibly vain and think I am so gorgeous and beautiful and attractive to people- which I have been in the past, I’ve dated lots of people and people liking me and all that but I’m just so… weird. It’s incredibly off putting to the more normal people I attach myself to.

I used to be friends with this particular girl in 2020 and she was just as odd as me back then but I got into a relationship and practically cut off all my old friends, not having any attention left because of my obsession with the girlfriend at that time (who had a very concerning age gap with me I’ve just realised)

I’ve felt lots of guilt over abandoning this girl (the one I’m stalking) and I think that has contributed to the pure obsession. I feel devoted, loyal, infatuated with her. I photographed her before I was found out as well. Sadly I can’t get any help for myself to sort out whatever is wrong with me. Anyway the guilt- she was having a difficult home life, and struggling with friends and boys and drinking and I left her. And now we are both older, she’s moved to my place of learning and we are both so different but she didn’t accept my friendship. I followed her around (in a friendly way) for the first few days but she was very clearly taking the mick out of me and not taking my friendship on board.

But even that I feel like I just made it up? Like maybe we were friends but I was so caught up assuming we weren’t that I drove her away? I think that’s very likely as we had a slight chatty relationship over the phone sometimes. I just regret so much.

The real funny thing is it was my girlfriend who exposed to her that I was stalking her- sent a screenshot of me saying it, jokingly but framed it as very serious as we were having an argument.

It’s my own fault for doing it but I still feel so betrayed. I was always very open about my mental… issues and now I feel I can’t be. But anyway I don’t think it was the best thing to reveal to the poor girl- she barely comes into classes as it is and I feel like I’m stopping her coming to the one class she likes- art. All because she’s scared of getting photographed. I sent her an explanation but more importantly an apology but she’s stopped using Snapchat and I think texting her anywhere else would be a bit creepy of me.