Beautiful Adventure

I’m exhausted. I have to pee (which I should do now.) It’s 11:33:33 and I just pulled a card from my happiness deck. My messages from fairy cards only exist in my world to provide positive and uplifting messages. Of course, the moment I turn to the deck to raise me higher I pull one of the few cards that provokes more sadness, pain and confusion. After my personal readings on myself yesterday (which didn’t look too good for today) and upon finishing up the list of readings I have been working through for the past two weeks I figured it was finally time to assess whatever the heck has been/is going on with me so that I may process this and release it. 

Now that I have peed and prepared myself a nice mug of Darjeeling tea fresh from India. I’m ready to do this. I don’t normally turn to caffeine but I’m exhausted and looking for any reason to avoid going within and beneath the surface of these issues, Indian black tea was needed. 

The card that started it all:

There are two other cards in this deck that seem to have a similar image. It looks like the same person through different stages of her life. This is the “oldest” version. Then there’s this next card as an in-between:

and finally this card, which appears to be the youngest:

I do believe that all these cards come together to create one message. In short, all that you want is at your fingertips but it’s up to you to open up to the Universe and feel what you truly want. Be honest and stop holding yourself back. Now to break this all down into a tarot spread. “This card indicates that you’ve been concealing something from yourself.” 

What am I hiding from myself?

As I was shuffling a word came to mind: PAIN alongside 5 cards from the druidcraft tarot. 

This card came up reversed. When I’m doing a personal reading the messages are usually clear and obvious. This is saying: “you are repeating the same old cycles from the past, you are going around in an endless loop and until you plan your great escape nothing can change.”

The wheel of destiny is always spinning and changes can take place very quickly in your life but first, you must make room (which you have) the next part is the hardest part and it’s where you humans struggle the most. It’s about detaching and letting go. You may have accepted that things need to change and even begun the process but as long as you hold on to the same old energy from the past you can’t move forward. “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting new results.”

Break free from your past and your new life will begin.

It seems as though you are still upset over the past and struggle to let go. You are holding onto past hurts and allowing yourself to be haunting by what was and used to be. Those memories are not you just as the current version of yourself is also not you. There is so much more to this life than what you can conceive. The memories from the past haunting and taunting you can only continue to do so as you give them power and feed them. You feed them by believing them, by choosing to tune into them. You feed them by giving them attention, expecting them and recognizing them as something that is a part of you. When you shut your eyes the only thing you should see is your potential. The only thing you should feel is peace. The only thing you should know is your Truth. Your peaceful place within has become some sort of storage place for all the memories of past hurts and problems. You couldn’t deal with them “out here” so you stuff them “down in there.” If they are maintained within your body, whether externally or internally they will linger on and continue to haunt you. The only way out is to move beyond it, to transform it. You ask how to do such a thing and the answer is quite simple. Transform yourself and you will have transformed your life. 

The memories of the past and what once was can be quite daunting but it’s no longer necessary for you to live there as you are here in the now. Your life is all happening right now. These moments that you spend sitting with us in contemplation are the moments creating your new life. It’s easy to feel when you are here as it’s easy to remember who you are and what you came here for. It’s also easy to forget what you signed up for, the challenges, soul growths, your mission etc. 

Just remember that it is all a part of a greater plan. It’s okay to mourn the past but take a lesson from Indian culture. When there’s a death, a tragedy or a great loss they allow for one year of proper mourning to all who were affected. After that year has passed it’s custom and expected for all to move on, detach, let go and experience true happiness and joy again. The purpose for that is to allow the time to process through the pain, to go through whatever motions are necessary but then have a cut-off period that returns you back to life. Pain can linger on for a lifetime and then some if not properly dealt with and cut off. You could continue for the rest of your life mourning what you perceive as losses but you would be stopping yourself from expressing the true essence of your nature and being. The time has come to take off the markings off “loss”, to let go of the mourning, to stop regurgitating tears and feeling like a victim or asking for questions and needing to know why. The time has come to be courageous, to step up the plate, to be the person you came here to be. To dry your teary eyes and to say no to the recycled pain. You have transformed all that needed to be washed away. There’s nothing left but ashes. It’s time to let the dust settle and look towards the horizons of what is yet to come. It is now safe to allow yourself the liberty to heal from within through depths beyond your means.

It’s so easy to get lost in the pain and sadness but if you examined it closely you’d see that it barely has a name, a face or a purpose at this point. It’s just an entity that you’ve created and allowed to have a home in your body. Your body is a high-frequency superpower electric “machine” why lessen it with anything less than what you are? This pain body has served its purpose and now it can be safely removed and returned to Source where it will be cleansed, cleared and recycled into some new life lesson for all to experience.  

Before we start channeling the next message I have to mention that I have been hurting myself physically all morning. I bumped my knee a few times, smack my foot etc. I wondered “why do I keep hurting myself, what the hell is wrong with me?” and then I started to cry because though the question was about one thing it seemed like it was more of answer towards something far deeper. I just thought about all the times I had been hurt in my life and then I thought about how many times I hurt myself this morning alone. Even though I keep bumping into everything and believe me, I thought I broke my knee cap, I still give myself more opportunities to hit it all again. I didn’t stop walking because I smacked into furniture. I didn’t vow to never do that again nor did I make a big deal about it. I hit myself, shouted in agony, felt the lingering pain then forgot about it as I did other things. ALL PAIN IS JUST THAT SIMPLE, the only difference is that we attach ourselves to the pain we feel. My hurt experiences, with my ex and others, it’s just another “smack your knee on your desk” situation but instead of just letting the pain dissolve and allowing myself to forget I give this pain a reason, a name, a feeling, a place, a home etc. I turn it into this whole thing when really it’s nothing more than a stupid careless incident. When you know better you do better. Maybe now that I have understood the bigger picture at play I will stop hitting my body parts and tripping over things for today as I now see that I’m being too careless, probably could pay more attention to where I’m walking or go a bit slower. For example, I would not have hit my knee the first time if I had calmly stood up from my chair instead of jumping up in anger. (You have no idea how much healing and clarity is happening for me right now below the surface, I do hope this helps you too.) Impulse action, lack of attention and blatant ignorance is sometimes the cause of our suffering. I can say that a lot of my suffering has been caused by all of the above.

Back to the tower card, the question still remains “what am I hiding from myself?” and all that tea requires me to take a short bathroom break which is good because I do feel a bit lost towards the true message of this card. 

I swear you can sit on the toilet and channel God if you wanted to. There’s so much to say I hope I’ll be able to include it all. This card is the epitome of one of my biggest flaws. I jokingly like to say and think of myself as someone who has tolerable flaws then again how can I judge what others find tolerable? But when it comes to this aspect of myself I can actually say with much confidence that this is what every guy I’ve ever dated and every person who’s ever really known me has disliked about me to the point that it at times turns people off. Are you ready for this? I am my own worst enemy and I go out of my way to create disasters, drama and chaos just so that I can obliterate what I “hate” and create something better. I guess I’m a lot like Shiva (the destroyer) but in a less godlike or enlightened way. 

The tower represents every disaster I have ever created in my life. When I look at that tower all I see is a scary place that I know damn well not to enter. I value my life and I am a cautious person but I can be overly cautious so when things are not going my way my Gemini qualities come out and I go from one extreme to the other. I play it safe and then I get angry and decide to challenge the Universe and the stakes are pretty high as what I bet on is my life. I do stupid things like run into a busy street just to see if I’ll get run over. I’ll drive extremely fast, like beyond what most people would imagine as “fast.” I tempt fate and I taunt the Universe. Sometimes I even say things like: “if this is how things are going to be then this is how I am going to act.” Proceed to doing something very dangerous that could most likely lead to my death. In fact, I’m starting to see that the thing that my last boyfriend and I had the most in common was our need “for speed.” It was so exciting because we were such risk-takers and we constantly just did one stupid thing after another always pushing the boundaries a little further. I don’t know how many times we almost got seriously injured, were in a dangerous situation or almost died. One time we were driving home from a long day out of town and he was falling asleep at the wheel. Instead of being a rational person and continuously keeping him awake, after a while I decided to wage my life. I said clearly to the Universe: “okay, he’s not staying awake and I give up, I’m tired of everything and I’m done so I’m going to close my eyes and I know he will too. If this is it then let it be. I’m done and I don’t care anymore.” Obviously, I’m not dead. We swerved off the highway and started driving in the wrong lane with cars coming at us but the Universe had other plans for me. Thankfully the cars were far off in the distance, he opened his eyes and we were back in our lane without any drama. 

It feels good to get that off my chest but it’s also making me realize that from that moment on things were never the same. I think the Universe realized how dangerous it was for me to be around this person and that is where it chimed in and said: “okay you two are done now because you are really acting reckless.” Before it was just me chipping away at my heart, my soul, my values and beliefs but once I started actively looking for ways to die with him.. I can see how that was “too far.” 

There are a million and one stories like that from my life. Even just last night my mom needed me to drive her somewhere close-by. I now have learned to drive slowly because I live in the suburb and it’s the right thing to do but last night my demonic “suicidal” nature took over me and I was driving like a crazy person until I was almost home and the car started to beep (which indicates I’m going to hit something soon.) I had no idea why it beeped as I saw all my surroundings and there was nothing there besides people on the sidewalk that were nowhere near my side of the road. It scared me so much I drove like an old lady the rest of the car ride home. I have these intense highs where I just need to feel alive but then one little thing happens, brings me back to reality and I feel like crap or scared. I felt guilty the whole time. What if I had hit someone? What if I had caused an accident? What if an animal had been crossing the street? So many scenarios caused me distress and I just couldn’t handle my own impulsive stupidity. Come to think of it if I had to give a codename for my last relationship it would be “impulsive stupidity.”

The point being, when I look at this tower as I am now (feeling connected and more or less at peace.) I see how scary it looks. I know I wouldn’t go there much less alone. Perhaps if someone I trusted asked me to accompany them I would but alone I would never UNLESS if I was having a bad day and wanted to see if I would just die already. (I know it sounds ridiculous but it’s a thing I used to do and that I have been removing from myself.)

What I see is someone who walked towards their own doom knowing very well that this was a bad idea and would not end well but decided to do it anyway because they were in a bad place and couldn’t see past the moment. I couldn’t see the bigger picture when I made certain decisions a few years ago. I took a walk on the wild side just to feel for a moment but I knew that it wouldn’t last. More importantly, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to keep pretending to be this person that I’m clearly not. I love a little adventure but I don’t enjoy hating myself to the point that I don’t value my life. I have this body and life for a reason and I want to see it through. 

The Universe and I co-create experiences in my life (disasters if you will) so that I can re-assess my thoughts, actions and plans. I have just as much responsibility in my tower collapsing as anyone else. It wasn’t just some twisted random act of God. On some level I chose certain disasters and disappointments because I knew what was necessary for my expansion. I just didn’t fully understand the process of working through it, past it and beyond it. 

I don’t want to go back to that place in my life. I don’t even want to see myself at such a low point that I feel the need to continuously act out or be stupid. I just want to grow up and take responsibility and control of my life. I want to grow up and be proud of myself. I know the scary towers will always be there to tempt me and when needed I can go find one but I don’t want to need one. I want to resolve my issues, heal and be strong. I want to look at those scary towers and say “sorry, I know why you’re here but I’m not interested. I don’t need more drama to make my life more interesting. Thanks but no thanks, I don’t need you.”

This next message feels heavy and looks serious but I guess it’s not. What I see is a strong and capable person. Someone who is grounded, secure, protected and knows how they are. They don’t need reckless adventures to feel loved, useful or a part of this planet. This person is strong and able to do anything. What am I hiding from myself? My true strengths. I play the victim, I act weak and I think that I’m nothing sometimes but I have accomplished a lot in such a short period of life and then add everything from all other lifetimes. I’m here for a reason and a purpose. I want to believe that I am lesser than I am but it’s just a way to avoid living my light and following my purpose. I’m not dimming my light because I really hate myself but because I’m afraid of what I can actually do, achieve and become if I were to stand tall and shine in my light. I think we all struggle there in some way or another.

This woman has one message: “bitch don’t fuck with me.” Or in nicer terms: “I appreciate your distractions and the fact that you are trying to create some drama in my life, however, I’m not interested in whatever you are offering. I am 100% focused on my life purpose, my journey and where I’m headed. You can choose to waste your time looking at my life and trying to bother me but you are only distracting yourself from your journey. The best thing for you to do is to return your attention to yourself and follow your path as I follow mine. If we are meant to cross paths or teach one another the Universe will provide the time, place and space. Until then you may return to your life as it’s the only thing you can truly have a say in.”

Last card from our one simple question “what am I hiding from myself?”

There’s a new journey ahead. There’s a reason why you left certain feelings, situations, people and places behind. You left the difficulties behind not knowing where you’d end up. Nothing more than a dream for a better life. Hope that something better could be achieved. You can be miles away from your troubles but they will still follow you if you bring them with you. The moments before you step on your new island (place of being) you should vow to release all that no longer serves you. You should welcome all new experiences and recognize that the past is miles away and can no longer affect you unless if you carry it here with you. You’ve already navigated the high seas of your emotions. You transformed what was necessary and you only took what was needed with you. What are you holding onto, what is your deep dark secret? Who or what is still with you that you meant to leave behind? If you chose to get away then why are you trying to bring it close to you again? 

The story I feel in me is this: 

Looking back in time, when life was even more of a struggle for humanity there was a person who was living a life that was so much less than what they believed they could experience. After years of torture, abused, planning, dreaming and wondering they finally took the plunge. In the dead of the night, this person took only a few belongings, stuff them in a backpack and got on the first boat out of that place. Before getting onto the boat they took one final look back at all they ever knew. They wondered if they are making a mistake, over-reacting or somehow wrong. They get ready to turn back and walk home but a feeling comes over them and they realize that they brought themselves to this boat for a reason. It wasn’t even an easy escape. In the moment of doubt, it’s easy to forget everything they had to do just to safely get to this boat. If they go back home this chance might never come back again. If people were to find out they tried to escape the situation might get even worse. It’s too late now, you either go ahead as planned and hope for the best or return home with your head held down knowing that things might never change as you are not willing to.

Quickly, the person turns around and starts running to the boat as they watch it slowly sailing away from shore. They run faster than they ever have before, throw everything down for even more speed and suddenly the boat is within reach and the only thing that matters is getting into this boat. Finally, they are holding to some part of it and a person see’s them trying to get in and helps them. This person is now safely in the boat, smiling, happy and feeling great as they just did that thing that they have been dying to do their whole life but the days are long. The journey ahead is not smooth sailing. The tides are high, the space is limited, food is scarce and there’s nothing to do but wait. 

What feels like forever passes until one day they look up and see the horizon of a shoreline and new island. For the first time in a long time, a sense of peace returns to their body. Anything is possible, they remember why they jumped into that boat. They look back and realize that the last place is nowhere to be found. No one knows who they are and they can create a whole new life. The sky is the limit and then some. A new journey is about to begin, are you ready?

In short, you’ve come so far. The new is within reach, you don’t even know if the past is still as you left it or there. You set off into the unknown and now you’ve found it. What once was unknown is now right there and visible and what was known as become the unknown. You think it’s the same but it’s not. So much can happen in one journey. Life is constantly in motion. You brought yourself to where you are for a reason. It’s time to get off that boat and find your reason.

This is by far the longest and most intense channeling I’ve done in a LONG time. I have been on and off crying, I pee’d a few times. Had to get up and walk around for air. I’ve been having flashes from my third eye. I’ve been seeing orbs of light and having an array of emotions. This is a healing session, it’s painful but I feel already A LOT better than I did when I started (it’s been maybe 2 hours that I’ve been typing this.) I want to stop but I want to get through this whole session so that I can release it and start July with an empty slate.

“Your emotions are true and accurate, and they are trying to get your attention. Right now, admit your deepest feelings to yourself. Know that it is safe for you to engage in this self-honesty. Your genuine feelings form the compass that points you in the best direction and guides you to the answers you seek. Trust that any changes you make will come about in harmonious ways. You’ll be glad that you admitted your true feelings to yourself. 

Additional meanings to this card: 

- allow other people to get to know the real you (I think opening up about this on Tumblr crosses that off the list.)

- retain your integrity by following the path that you know is right for you (sounds good but I might want more guidance on this)

- be yourself (I’m working on it!)

- face your fears head-on (fear #1: having to face my emotions - done.)

I think to close off this reading I want to pull again from the fairy deck and then once from my Unicorn cards, which are a new addition to the family and a new deck only to pull from for POSITIVE messages.

As I shuffled “now that I have processed a lot of my emotions what do the fairies want me to know?”

What you want is coming to you but also recognize that you have undergone a massive healing process and you will need time to recover. Be gentle on yourself, take the time you need to recharge and to feel better. Things might not be where you want them to be at this exact time but all is in order. You are walking the path, let it unfold.

A specific timing card is more than just a coincidence. Look forward to big happy changes coming into your life sooner than you realize. The seasons are always changing and so do the seasons of your life. You may have been a period of rest, recuperation and struggle in the past but no season can last forever. Your time to shine is right around the corner, it’s up to you to trust and believe. Never stop believing. 

A marriage of hearts is possible and in the making. Whether we’re looking ahead at an actual marriage taking place, vows being exchanged, promises being made or a union meant to last a lifetime. The exact details are not important. All that matters is that you recognize that true love does exist. Nothing is made to last but what can be found in all things (though sometimes you may have to dig deep) is love. Love is the foundation of all of life. Love can mean whatever you want it to mean but it extends far beyond romantic relationships. It’s compassion, joy, wonder, pleasure, excitement, fulfilment and magic. There really are no words and ever creature on this planet feels, expresses it and knows it differently. Love is at the root of your question, in some way or another understand that what you seek is seeking you. If you want love don’t look for it BE IT. Live love, give love, act in love, support love etc. Love is not a condition or thing you just “give” it’s a state of being, it’s a life choice. It’s life itself. Love is the root of all things but it’s for you to recognize and understand what that means to you. Love. 

And now for our final card from the Unicorn deck:

If you desire to know, to have, to feel, to share and understand love you must practice this. The same way you practice the art of meditation, now you may practice the art of love. As you set off on your journey to understand meditation, you can do the same with love. Practice love daily. You sat in meditation for over a year. You set a timer daily and “forced” yourself to get into the habit of meditating and now look at the results. You can find your own way to apply love into your life. “Force” this habit into your system. Practice love daily.

One aspect of love can be found through creative arts and beauty. Discover all the ways that love expresses itself.

The last message is self-explanatory which is why I love these cards so much.

Now here is for the irony or synchronicity of this whole thing. Ever since I’ve had these cards there has been only 1 card that has appeared for me every day. I expected it to show up today but instead, I received new cards, new messages. When a card keeps showing up it’s trying to teach you something, when the card disappears the lesson has been taught and now it’s time to explore a new lesson/path. Here is the card that I struggled to understand all those weeks that finally makes sense (many many many weeks, day and hours later.)

Yep. The time now is 14:10:04.

brownie oatmeal, a peanut butter heart, granola, coconut, dark chocolate and berries