Freezedcat’s Parking Lot

Tired, sick, on my period and absolutely fucking done with everyone and their bullshit they spit out irl or on social media, either trying to prove theyre a good person or convincing themselves they can stay better when literally all of us are gonna come crashing down a million times.

Call me pessimistic, i am, but im so fucking done with the entire world pretending.

Me: walks into room at 11pm to go to sleep

Room: chaotic silence

Me: we’re changing it.

Searched for all the ways i could hold her close, get her to stay. Tried my hardest to be as good as i could be for her. We had always been on and off and i wanted her to finally stay.

Now im trying to get some space and she wont let go. And something inside me still wants her so bad, to ignore all thats bad, or highlight it and light me on fire.

My hardest to follow a schedule that feels impossible, a mealplan that feels like too much.

But yesterday i ate a bag of jelly beans.

So naturally today

My throat closes up, everything feels like a brick in my stomach. Every bite taking so much effort that i give up, without even wanting to.

But maybe i want it a little.

Maybe i will always want it a little.

I thought i already ate quite a lot but i still feel weak so maybe i’ve just been overestimating what i eat and underestimating what i actually need.

i have big thighs and hips- and have been blessed with strong legs, but further im as flat as possible.

Confuses everyone when i say that because i also dress very oversized and basically all my jeans are too big, whether on purpose or not.

The weakness in my body

The emptiness of your belly at the end of the day

Thinking at least i dont have to completely suck in my stomach

Now im bloated, filled with stomach cramps and guilt, i feel too warm in my own skin.