call me caedee ❀

transcript under the cut

I fight an endless war with myself

One without knives or guns

But the thoughts in my head and the life at hand

Trying to make the next move before fate does

And before the dark of me takes over my body

It is trying to be in control

Its parody lies

In that I hurt myself to save myself

And in saving myself I hurt myself

And where parody lies

A truth lies

In perhaps a war that never existed

Or was never meant to be won

It was all my head

That’s it

But any war

This war

Is hard

Its exhausting

And im drained

And it could mean life or death

here i name you innocence— though perhaps ignorance would fit better— because you do not yet know the world and (thank God) the world does not yet know you

here i name you desperation alone inside your childhood home with grasping hands and burning eyes tear tracks on your cheeks like your own little prayer though you have never known the name of God and there is something sharp in your blood shredding your veins and you call it friend because you don’t know any better

here i name you desperation because what other name could I give  to the boy who wants so little and has so much less?

and here i name you hunger in the shadowed back alley of a bar there is flesh between your teeth and liquor on your tongue but it isn’t enough it will never be enough this boy tastes like vodka and bad decisions and he smells a lot like the last one like cigarettes and escape and i tell you now, though i know you wont listen this cannot fix you his lips don’t hold the apologies your mother never gave and the alcohol cant bring your father back the blood in your mouth cant wash the scars off your skin and the smoke cant fill the negative space between your ribs this will not fix you

here i name you hunger because what other name could i give you? you, the emptiness pressed clumsily into the shape of a boy you have never known what it is to have so you became close friends with want instead

here i name you hunger and I hope it does not kill you but then again maybe it already has

I peel back the curtain inside the car

Slowly, so no one sees

Lights blur past as people become streaks

The stars are looking down at me tonight

But amidst everything else,

I’m looking at you

I see you through the painted reflection on my window

My face so close to the glass, but too far from you

Perhaps that is all I will ever get

A reflection,

Cast on a car window

Perhaps everyone else thought I was staring into the night sky and contemplated why the sky and I never touched

And perhaps you were too fixed to your phone

But frankly,

You were my view