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maybe i just need to be more well-versed in this topic so i can actually establish more well-informed opinions aside from not feeling “fully” masc. and feeling more in-touch with this limbo between the gender binary. but maybe what i’m feeling right now is totally fine, feeling male and not male simultaneously? who fucking knows!

but another part of me wants to be perceived differently! i feel like cisgender males act accordingly with one another in a bro-like demeanor. you know, deepening your voice, being more timid with your feelings, and the like. “boy’s talk” for short. i’ve never felt fully comfortable being perceived in this manner. it’s gotten to the point where i’m starting to get slightly annoyed for being totally perceived as a “bro”. i mean.. i don’t blame them--i still dress masculine and quite enjoy it. i just don’t feel masculine. odd. 

i feel more fond of my hometown now, in fact! feels like i’ve been such a hateful person in the past, bashing san jose and other people for the cultural makeup that makes up the east sides of my hometown. but there is so much more than that! there is grace in the kind-hearted friends i’ve still kept in touch with over time. i blame my family trauma.

i miss sue’s gallery. i miss the abundance of vietnamese food. i miss exploring random bits of nature in the south bay + montgomery hills. i miss caffe frascati!

i think it has to do with our accolades and career choices. arguably one of silver creek’s most accomplished students (if not the most) during my time went to stanford for undergrad with a cs/bio double major and has been doing a md-phd joint at both harvard and mit. skimming through his publications and whatnot.. especially having gotten to know this person for a fleeting moment, it’s actually just insane. not that i’m not thriving in a lucrative career with a good brand name, but my lack of self-worth in the professional department tends to be associated with how software engineers are worth jack shit. so pointless, yet we get paid exuberant amounts of money for the little work and impact we make.

i love helping others! but what does computer science have to do with impacting those close to us, compared to those in the front lines, or especially during these times: those who actually engineered the vaccine in the first place? i think this has to do with me wanting to make a lasting legacy for myself, knowing i was important enough to induce a ripple in the world. perhaps in another reality i would have tried harder in high school, and maybe also dipped deeper into chemistry (arguably my favorite science subject).  

i recognize that it’s awful attributing your self worth to what you’ve accomplished and what school you went to, but i can’t help but be jealous of those who will likely be an important figure to changing the world in some way. it’s like i’m fetishizing the elite. not proud of it, especially considering the old money and privileged backgrounds that come with the territory. though, my main concern isn’t about those who matriculate into harvard because their father has a 10 million dollar stake in the system... it’s about those who actually went through some form of adversity, about those from underprivileged backgrounds... a rags to riches story as you will (like both my best friend and me). 

i wonder how medical students and scientists feel when they think about the tech world and its oversaturation. developing something for the likes of facebook is absolutely nothing compared to what these people do! feels like this mindset has been influenced by my frequent talks with both angela and geena over the past couple of months—specifically regarding their experiences and coursework in their pre-med bubble.

i don’t believe in any higher deities but please i am desperately praying to have some resemblance of bliss and security back in my life

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this journey (+ self-improvement arc) has been nothing but a rollercoaster! lots of lessons learned (and mistakes made)... watch me be happy and in love with life next week or something

feels like my escapist mechanism has always consisted of some form of media consumption and establishing irrational attachments/expectations with others these days. maybe it’s time to try something else ?? what if i become a gym/fitness/climbing bro (summer body has been slacking) and channel all of this negative energy into good use... usually love my alone time but i’ve had a bit too much and i am now ready for nightlife and good company

i have a private playlist entitled heart with a playlist cover featuring a grainy, black-and-white photo with two lips locked but also not locked together. it’s a manifestation of melancholy: all of my most grandiose, beautifully sad songs locked in one treasure box. my song of choice over time has shifted from frank ocean’s self control and at your best to something like arca’s coraje or bjork’s family or yung lean’s bender+++girlfriend. so much to be expressed through sonics rather than emotionally tapped lyrics nowadays.

geena’s first impression of me was that i am “well put together.” i found that funny and still find that funny considering that’s the facade i always seem to accidentally give off! earlier tonight, however, she mentioned that in actuality, i am chaotically put together. i embody “organized chaos” in some way. 

it feels a bit strange. i remember an excerpt from normal people when marianne was viewing rob’s facebook page after his suicide and was just.. in anger! from what i remember, she would be disgusted by how people interact/react to one’s death online. what is the point of posting on somebody’s facebook wall, spilling out paragraphs and paragraphs? what is the point of romanticizing your relationship with the deceased? is it virtue signaling in a way? is it a way to release your pent-up, bottled feelings into the air? i feel like in some ways it is an act of sincere expression, but it’s an entirely different story if you’re not exactly close with the deceased. but this is all purely contextual!

sometimes i wonder what would happen if i just disappeared. maybe not actually dead, but just gone. like if i went off the grid or something. wondering what my last words would consist of and how i would properly say goodbye to loved ones. what would people say about me? what would be the legacy of my digital footprint? would people care? would people pretend to care?