freesia-stars

Can bring tears of happiness about good moments, valuable memories and how life is precious, but also fragile. That’s why it’s so special, because we just live it once (as far as we know).

In July 25th, of this year, 2024, I lost someone who I most loved in my life. Not the kinda of romantic love, but the kinda you would move mountains, cross a continent just to hug this person or having a lunch time together. Go to a restaurant, watch a movie. The kinda you would protect at all costs. The kinda of love that makes you have afraid of death because you want to live to this person, make them know they’re loved and appreciate every tiny part of the day. Be grateful because they exist and make sure they’re deeply loved and cared. That’s how I felt and still do. I would gave up everything just to say “I hope you have a nice day at work” or “You had dinner yet?”. Little actions that could change someone’s day.

For a couple months, all I wanted it was making the pain go away, to end the suffering and I thought I wasn’t going to get better. But that’s life, we struggle a lot and sometimes we just want to give up — but as for me, I want to live, there’s no life without sadness, angry, happiness.

When I started to read the book, I confess, it was really triggering to me because of the recent events. But, I gave a chance and it was one of the best choices that I could ever have made.

Maybe it was destiny this book showing in my life. I bought it when released but I never opened it — not until last week.

“Everyone’s lives could have ended in an infinite number of ways. It’s never too late to pursue a dream.”  — This is one of que quotes I liked. I keep thinking and thinking, I would rather live this life, missing you and crying over and over than living a life where I could never have met you. You changed my life always and I’ll never forget about you, always going to carry inside of my heart and soul.

“Never underestimate the big importance of small things.” — This one made me think about my currently life and decisions I made. We just live once and we should do what makes us smile and also don’t regretting about saying things, about traveling, meeting people, living. Small things are the best things, a kid smile, to pet a dog, adopt a cat, plant a tree, reading a book, drinking a coffee with your friend, make a silly draw, going for a walk, call people you love and care about. Enjoy the very little moments of your (our) day. Make sure people you care and love are okay and safe. We never know about how’s someone else’s day are going, maybe a word — or any action — could change it all.

“Life is strange. How we live it all at once. In a straight line. But really that’s not the whole picture. Because life isn’t simply made of the things we do, but the things we don’t do too. And every moment of our life is a kind of turning. Think about it. Think about how we start off, as this set thing. Like the seed of a tree planted in the ground. And then we grow, and at first, we are a trunk.

But then the tree that is our life develops branches. And think of all those branches, departing from the trunk at different heights. And think of all those branches, branching off again, heading in often opposing directions. Think of those branches becoming other branches and those becoming twigs. And think of the end of each of those twigs, all in different places, having started from the same one. Life is like that but on a bigger scale. New branches are formed every second of every day. And from our perspective- from everyone’s perspective- it feels like a continuum. Each twig has traveled only one journey. But there are still other twigs. And there are also other days. Other lives that would have been different if you’d taken different directions earlier in your life. This is a tree of life”

“Any life. Dream big. You can be anything you want to be. Because in one life, you are.” — That’s what I mostly appreciate about life. You don’t need to have money or anything material to be happy. You could just have someone that means the world for you, that makes you wake up and put your feet on the ground every morning. To be able to fight for, to have afraid of die because you want to be with this someone, because for you, this someone means your life. I want to be a teacher because I love and respect children. I’m always trying to improve myself, studying, searching, trying my best everyday, because it’s the life i’m fighting for. One day, getting marry and be happy around kids and maybe one dog or two (and five cats, who knows). I want to cook for my husband and my kids, to help them making their homework, teaching them about kindness and how we should treat each other with love and respect, to make a tiny difference in the world. Spread kindness. I want to travel with them, make jokes, taking them to school, see them graduate, make a movie night. There’s so many things I want before leave this world. I want to have a family and a happy place to call home.

“ There are patterns to life….Rhythms. It is so easy, while trapped in just one life, to imagine that times of sadness or tragedy or failure, or fear are a result of that particular existence. That it is a by-product of living a certain way, rather than simply living. I mean, it would have made things a lot easier if we understood there was no way of living that can immunize you against sadness. And that sadness is intrinsically part of the fabric of happiness. You can’t have one without the other. Of course, they come in different degrees and quantities. But there is no life where you can be in a state of sheer happiness forever. And imagining there is just breeds more unhappiness in the life you are in.”

Next month will be one year knowing you. One year that you gave to me this sparkle to live again, to smile, to built something. To be more kind, patient, understanding others. To love more, take risks, you made me appreciate life. “ You don’t have to understand life. You just have to live it.” — That’s how I feel, you made me wanting to live it.

“ Life sometimes simply gave you a whole new perspective by waiting around long enough for you to see it.” 

You gave me a second chance to live. Even if isn’t living with you and sharing memories, experiences, wondering how was your day or even traveling together, I still feel you around here. Doesn’t matter how much time will pass, I will always, deeply, completely, sincerely love you so much, with all my heart and soul. The world should be grateful for having you for a special time.

If I could go to The Midnight Library I would have chosen the first book with you in it.

You’re the best thing that happened to me and I’ll always carry your memory everywhere. My beloved Chicago Boy.

This is a very particular situation and part of my life. Since I love writing and reading, I came here to share things about my life that no one cares.

Recently, I’ve been in a very sad, complicated, delicate and difficult relationship. I keep wondering, why, we, woman, take so long to know what is a healthy and not healthy relationship. I’ve been through a lot since last year, losing my best friend and having one of the worst moments in my life.

In the beginning, of this relationship, I put so many kindness, love, effort, and of course, so much money into this. Well, I traveled 25 hours to see this person, who, in the beginning was so lovely, kind, generous and respectful. I feel like when Shakespeare said “My bounty is as boundless as the sea, My love as deep. The more I give to thee, The more I have, for both are infinite.” I feel like I’m way too sentimental, even though I keep trying to deny it to myself. I gave my self fully and completely when I like someone. But, I also have this huge problem (or quality) where I care too much about things I shouldn’t, because, everyone has problems, but, I’m not the person who should fix things. I need to live for myself and not for others feelings.

I’m the kinda of person who truly respect my parents, besides of all. First thing I try to see in someone else on a relationship is the way they treat their family, in special their mothers. (This person, let’s call it Travis) besides all struggles, like any normal human being, used to treat his mother so deeply sad, disrespectful and in a selfish way. His mother, tried to give anything. She gave everything to him, a house, bills, and so, so much love and respect. His behavior was calling her a “B” word, pierce of **** and so much hate words. The reason? We simply don’t understand. The way you treat people in your life it reflects on you. Reflects what your soul is inside.

It doesn’t matter if you have mental illness, like, depression, schizophrenia, PTSD, bipolar disorder, or anything. These don’t matter, it doesn’t define you. You can’t use those excuses for being dishonest, disrespectful or even a bad person because of you have struggles. Everyone does and it doesn’t don’t define you.

I was feeling so alone, without any hope to keep going. I was weak and was still trying my best. But, I realized that my happiness depends on me, I’m not responsible for other people’s actions, their emotions or anything. I’m not responsible for other people’s dreams, expectations. But, until we realize this, it’s a long painful journey. We, need to live our lives. We need to be happy, healthy and be around people that actually care and love us. As for me — I spend so much time, efforts, mental energy and so, so much money on this. I was drained financially and emotionally. I was scared, but still was there to help and try to do my best. Human minds are complex and complicated sometimes. I couldn’t have my personal space, I wasn’t able to do things I loved because I was worried about Travis being aggressive with me daily. It was so much screams, accusations, aggressive behaviors, imaginary things, paranoia, anger, and so many other things. I’m so thankful for someone I would never think it would help me, but he did. My friend drove for hours to give me a place to stay and putting me on an airplane. I’m so grateful for having people that actually cared about my mental well and also my friendship.

But, You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like there's nobody listening, And live like it's heaven on earth.

I will not deny, in the beginning, was wonderful, I was happy. Until I wasn’t. I wasn’t feeling safe anymore. I’m still so deeply hurt for everything I saw, it was so hard. Behavior hospital, jail, missing person report…No one will never know about everything I been through seeing all things happening in front of my eyes. I had so many sleeping problems, my sleep schedule was disturbed. I was so exhausted, everyday I couldn’t do things I like. Couldn’t study, reading anything, playing games, because, I needed to give Travis attention, because, if I didn’t, all those fake accusations, rage, disrespect, anger, would happen again and again…

But, besides of spending months with afraid and developing a depression and problems to feed myself, so much afraid and anxiety…There’s always a light and a purpose in everything. I’m not very religious or spiritual. But, I do believe in destiny. Someone said once, “You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” and right now, it’s how I’m feeling.

If I didn’t been through all this pain and suffering, I wouldn’t never meet someone so, so special and with a beautiful soul that I met. Life is so full of blessings, joy. But also changes. This happens so fast and when you realize — you’re loving again, you’re okay. You’re alive, breathing, living and following new paths, because one door close, but is always a window or another door unlock for you, waiting for you give this huge and powerful step.

Like is the way you make it. Fall in love, have your heart broken, live between a toxic and terrible relationship, be able to forgive yourself, be kind, be a good human. Everyone makes mistakes, stupid choices, but, we still alive, here, full of dreams and hopes. Yesterday is already past, you’re living today and today is beautiful. You’re able to create new memories, to try new things, to fall in love, to do better decisions. You’re growing up mentally and that’s beautiful. It’s the way it is.

I would never hide his beautiful and angelical name, of my brightest and sweetest friend, Carson. My heart, my soul and everything good in me. He taught me how to love, how to risk myself but most importantly thing — he taught me about love. My precious star, which I believe is watching me from far, far away, but still here. Once, someone said to me “I hope you can find the same love you both had for each other.” And, It’s crazy and so weird saying this, but, in deep of my heart, I believe I found his personality, his brightness and craziness in this new path of my life.

So, I’m thankful for everything sad that happened in my life, because, without it, I would never met this kind, lovely, funny, understanding and (funny again!) full of brightness person. I believe that time don’t define love, and, I can say, besides our distance, I completely found myself on this special person. Because, on my way coming to “Travis”, I randomly met this lovely person.

Well, first of all: Don’t judge me, I really don’t get a lot of things that happened there. So, I will write about things I find interesting about the book.

It’s a confusing book for me.

It’s a long and complicated journey about 40 women stuck in a bunker without memories (even thought they remember some glimpses about it) They don’t know if they’re on Earth or no, it’s very difficult to say, since they can’t go outside and receive the foods because of guards.

I find this book really interesting because there’s so MANY questions here, why did the guards disappeared? (It’s a metaphor or something?). The way the humans can do the most craziest things to survive is by their own nature. The main character, the kid that was grow up there, which we don’t know the name as well, show to be brave and curious about the world unknown. It’s a short book that got me really confused. In the path, they figured out so many other bunkers, one with men and a lots of women dead.

What’s the purpose of the bunkers and why there’s anyone there? Where is this place and why they are there? We simply don’t know the answer. It’s a beautiful and painful book, where you can see women fighting for their lives until their last breath. I just have one question: They made out of there? What happened after? It’s just a cruel destiny?

Well, I took my time to write this one, not because I didn’t want to, but because I kinda was without bright inside of myself to write things I love. So, today, I’m feeling really good about myself and I realized I never wrote anything about this book.

I think the trees and the powers really are different and makes the book magical. Since I don’t use GoodReads or Skoob anymore, I just have my Tumblr and my Twitter where I can share my thoughts. I must say this: I LOVE dragons!!!!! I have the physical copy since it released but I finally read it. It’s WONDERFUL!

The author really takes her time, writing everything detailed, which I loved, because, isn’t the kinda of reading that makes you tired, but the one that makes you read because of curiosity about what is going to happen next. I must say, my favorite character is my baby Ead! (That’s funny because every time I read her name, I remembered about Ed, someone special, got a point I got distracted, haha) I had this incredible surprise of having a sapphic romance! I didn’t know and it was so cute!

I really love that the dragons can talk and about that plague, is really intriguing. So many unexpected plot twists and a world totally divided. It’s so crazy the way the characters drives (walks, etc) soooo much between the world. (I don’t like Niclays by the way). I love the characters so much and they have all nice backstories. I wish I could see more of Ead and Sabran, they’re really cute.

I took a time to breath and think about what to say about Babel. First, I would love to thank the author, because besides the wonderful writing, she seems so open minded, smart, intelligent and very educated about so many topics. (Which doesn’t surprise me since she went to Yale).

Babel is such an excellent book about different topics, wars, racism, capitalism, prejudice, xenophobia and others important topics and issues that we have in the world. But the form she writes about it, it’s so natural and fascinating. I was enchanted with the characters and the bond they shared in their group. Plus, I didn’t know it was a dark academy book, which I also loved when I figured out.

You can notice and feel all the frustration, fear, anger, love, hope and others feelings about what Robin was living while in Babel. (Also, all the chapters quotes matches perfectly about the story.) — Robin had a sad, lonely and suffering childhood. I was happy because the author could raise feelings that you start to feel together. The hope about Babel and their future. The work with the silver, the new friends, new family. But he made the painful and right decision to be against such terrible system.

Robin didn’t deserve the end the had, none of them. But I feel that rebellions supposed to be like this, sad, full of anger and fighting for their rights and beliefs. It’s pretty much what we see in Star Wars, for example.

I finally finished Daisy Jones and the Six! (TV SHOW)

I have a lot positive to talk about and of course things which I didn’t like. So much drama! I think the series is such a good representation of the rockstars and celebrities in the 70s. All the fame, the hard work and drug problems. Even though everything still happens, I was so amazed of how they put so many effort into it — even the songs, sounds so good, the beats and lyrics. I really felt it was like a documentary about a band that lost in the time. I think the choices of the casting was also really good and important to the story, since you also can feel what they’re feeling. Such great actors.