Tumblr has always been a safe place for me. A place where I can really express some things and comfortably send them in a very tangible way out to the universe. And generally, there is some support (even just a like, it’s fucking retarded, I know) and I feel validated.
I am having so many changes piling up so quickly, I’m very much struggling to adapt (and pay only the bills I need to keep trying to pay the bills - barely by the skin of my teeth). Some things need to change about me and my habits right now.
I treat my body like shit. Total and complete shit, and I feel like shit too. That... has to change. I have to quit smoking. I have to eat better. And I have to do the (dreaded) “exercise.” I have to. So... I have the rest of this pack of cigarettes to wean myself off (then I’m done, or I’m gonna fight for it). It’s time. I’m going to spend some serious time thinking about a fairly well rounded (or much more so than now) diet. Just the same goddamn thing every day, with all the shit I avoid like the plague. And soda. And energy drinks.... in time. I don’t drink toooooo much of that I suppose anyway. And... I have thought up a way to get me walking. So, if I ask a friend if they can commit to and hour walk with me, meet wherever, once a week, I could probably find someone with a block of time also wanting to be more active, right? But could I find *6* friends willing to have a weekly walk date? I wonder. I hope. Because this is my plan. Then I get 6 walks a week, with 6 quality people. Or maybe someone wants two days, because this is a god damned good idea.
All of this is all well and good. But I’ve said it before. And I didn’t. I just... remained, because it’s easier. I want this feeling to stick. That’s why I am bothering to write this bullshit at 02:30am. I want to feel better. I want to make this life work. Actually, I want to make this life my bitch. This is an uphill climb. I don’t know how far I’ll get, or how much I will allow myself to get in the way. But I guess that’s the other integral part of this kind of journey. It’s the discipline and self control that I need to pull from my butt. Structure. It’s something I have to retrain my brain to have after years of skirting by. I hardly don’t know where to begin... every aspect of my existence lacks.... all the things. And let’s face it, that is overwhelming as fucking fuck. What do I do? Set a rigorous daily schedule and set an alarm for literally everything and follow it to a T for a month? No, seriously, I’m asking for a friend. Tell me the magic formula for “self control and discipline.” So I suppose that the only conclusion I can make is that... one step at a time in the (general) right direction. Rome wasn’t built in a day. I’ve awakened something in my mind that is trying so hard to strive for self improvement, but it’s looking around at this mess, and my anxiety rears it’s nasty face. So I feel stuck in this loop of wanting to do/be better, and feeling so anxious I literally can’t move. It takes me forever to get out of the house, and ready to tackle my day. Sometimes it takes me 10 minutes to leave my car after I park somewhere (seriously, this has made me late for things, like class). I need to feel better now. Maybe, with this renewed mental fortitude I will be able to find the discipline to simply fucking take care of myself. I want to live. I want to learn.
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