super frantastic

so lots has happened my friends, my prep for a show crashed and burned and has somewhat ruined my since it has. My calorie intake was so low and my output was so high I felt like a zombie. I was barely eating carbs and working out for hours at a time. My BF percentage dropped to about 17% but my metabolism stalled and my mental health declined. My trainer said, good job it will get easier. I stuck to my plan religiously for weeks hoping to impress her but always got "good job" as my feed back. My breaking point was when I felt guilty for eating an apple off my plan. What.the.fuck. An apple, that has so many healthy aspects to it, made me feel guilty. I knew then and there I was done. I was broken and I hated the gym and everything about nutrition and I was so angry at my trainer. I quit the next day and decided to talk to more trainers because I felt lost. I had been on a meal plan for 9 months I couldn't just go off it!!! I found a trainer who I felt like I could trust. We started a new plan the next week and I felt myself getting stronger, my muscles were developing and I was becoming happier. Someday a were amazing and some were difficult. It was hard to trust any trainer after what happened. Moving from one plan to another was stressful, I had become engrained into they ways my old trainer had me. I went back and forth with trusting him and I finally started to see my body change. I was stronger, felt healthy but it wasn't enough. He wouldn't let me compete. But he was right, I wasn't ready for that. I was and still am so angry at my old trainer, it's hard to move on but it took so much from me and I was so committed and I was used for my money. I had a huge breakdown with my current trainer, tears and all and we both agreed I just needed a break. I don't meal prep, I eat clean, I eat a lot I eat a little, I freak out daily and try not to stress it. I workout everyday fairly intensely, and I eat to make sure j have enough energy for it. I'm still at a loss, I want to be losing weight, and I know what to do but the methodology seems to be off for me. I want structure, I don't want structure, I want to eat healthy and I want to not eat healthy. Right now I just want to be happy and figuring that out may lead to weight gain but I think it will ultimately lead to greatness. Just remember things don't always work out the first or second or third time. They work out when they're supposed to.

Hello TUMBLR PEEPS!!! It's been a long while of crazy ups and downs, let's cut to the chase....is this a blog?

At 1:04:17....I wanted to vomit again

at 54:21 seconds in...I wanted to vomit