untouched.

📻

“I can tell,” Heidi replied, pepper spray still in hand as she linked it back onto her key chain. Unfortunately, there had been one con of living in New York; being a woman. In Lima, she could definitely get away with walking by herself as long as she stayed away from Lima Heights, but the same couldn’t be said for the Big Apple. “I have to say I could have fucked you up, I’m pretty generous with my pepper spray,” not that she had ever actually utilized it, but she figured if the day ever came, she wouldn’t hold back. Noticing Franny’s displeased reaction to her own, all Heidi could muster was a shrug. “I’m not exactly a comedic genius. I only laugh at Trace’s jokes because they’re so incredibly awful most of the time,” again, not exactly a true statement. Backing up slightly, Heidi offered, “you know, why don’t you ever have like comedy get togethers to test out material. Like, you, Trace, some other funny bitches.”

*

With all the experience Franny had from travelling around the world and interaction with cultures of every kind, Franny was very aware that there was a lack of...neighbourly behavior in New York. Franny just happened to be lucky that she was raised with the ability to beat the ass of any guy who even looked at her funny. “No, no, I believe you, no need to make that a reality today.” She wasn’t offended by Heidi’s liberal use of her pepper spray. If anything, it just made Franny think that she should get some of her own. With a nod that sat right between agreement & begrudge-ment, Franny crossed her arms over her chest. “Yeah, that sounds about right. Trace isn’t funny-haha, he’s funny to laugh at.” Not that Franny disliked that about him though, she found it kind of endearing. “Well, sometimes Trace & I just bounce ideas back & forth. I try not to fraternize with other comedians too much. What if I turn on SNL one day and see my hilarious Elton John bit being performing on national TV because I told the wrong person?” she half-joked.

🤘 

“I beg to differ,” Dallas interrupted with a shrug as he casually shoved his hands into his pockets with a smile, “it was a compliment. Wholeheartedly. Your joke wasn’t funny because you’re hot…I was just more inclined to laugh because you’re hot. But I’m sure your joke will hit harder when we’re not standing in the middle of a sidewalk surrounded by finance bros and pigeon shit.” Ambiance was everything…and there was something so painfully unfunny about getting approached by a stand-up comedian on the streets of new york city. But on the other hand…it felt like the funniest, most new york thing ever. 

Dallas gripped the girl’s hand for a shake and made no effort to hide his surprise at her observation. “Isn’t that the guy who killed JFK?” he mused, squinting at her in slight disbelief. When she revealed that she was homeschooled, he let out a long and knowing ‘ohhhhhhh.’ “That explains it,” he teased, releasing her hand and returning it to its place in his pocket. “Oh, that old joint?” Dallas glanced at the bar he’d stumbled into one too many times, “I play their open mic nights sometimes. Weird I haven’t clocked you…I always notice beautiful people.” Feeling serendipitous, he shrugged and locked eyes with this unusual but intriguing stranger. “What are you doing now? Got time for a coffee?”

*

With a smile and a nod, Franny gave Dallas a double thumbs up at the clarification. “Well then, I accept your compliment.” She then quickly poked the man in the chest with her index fingers, furrowing her brows in the least threatening manner probably humanly possible. “But don’t talk shit about those finance bros! They’re usually the ones I’m shouting my jokes at in the street, I feel a kinship with them.” Franny then leant over to the nearest neatly-dressed suit could see and held her hand up for a high-five that was awkwardly and hesitantly accepted. 

Franny knew that being home-schooled was probably the main reason that she...was the way she was, so it was always easier to just rip that band-aid off. It seemed to answer a lot of the questions people had about her. Racking her brain, Franny tried to think back to her shifts at Callbacks and if she had ever seen Dallas around before but she was coming up blank. “Well, if I’m being real, I try to spend as little time hanging around during the open mics as possible. A lot of duds up on that stage. But, who knows, you might be one of the good ones.” She sure had to hope so at least, she didn’t want to become buddy-buddy with one of the guys in that Fall Out Boy tribute band who played there sometimes. 

With a shrug, Franny nodded. “I’m not doing a whole lot at the moment, so, yeah, I could do with a coffee.” And who was she to turn down the chance to chill with one of the few men in New York who wasn’t a total freak of nature.

Dallas had just gotten off a lunch shift at Sardi’s and was enjoying a cigarette on his walk back to his apartment when he felt the touch of a stranger on his arm. “Excuse me?” he asked, glancing at the girl and moving the cigarette from its place dangling between his lips to the spot between his pointer and middle finger. Once she asked her question, he shrugged. “Alright,” he said as he blew out some smoke, “let’s hear it.” 

He didn’t have class until the evening, so he was in no rush. He could stand on a random sidewalk and listen to this girl’s bit and give her feedback. As she started talking, he continued to take drag after drag from his cig and let out a soft chuckle as she reached the end of her explanation. “I’m not really a big comedy guy,” he admitted as he dropped the butt of his cigarette and squashed it under his heel, “but you’re pretty, so I’d probably laugh at anything you say.” 

Flashing his best smile, Dallas extended his hand towards the girl for a formal shake. “I’m Dallas,” he introduced himself, “who are you and where can I see you perform?” 

*

Franny gave a smile at the way this stranger didn’t just push her away and call her a crazy bitch - something she was no stranger too when trying to test material out on the street. She was no Billy Eichner. Not yet anyways. After running through her bit, and this guy responded with a chuckle ( a chuckle was a type of laugh! A good sign! ), Franny felt her shoulders slump before giving a resigned shrug. “Well, that’s not really a compliment at all because, like, if people are laughing just because I’m hot then I have not succeeded in my already relatively simple job but hey, I’ll take what I can get.” 

Wiping her sweaty palm on her jeans quickly, Franny returned the hand shake eyes widening. “Ooh, named after the home town of Lee Harvey Oswald!” The words left her mouth before she could think twice and she waved the thought away with her hand. “Sorry, I did a presentation on him for my home-schooled History class and it just stuck in my brain.” The last thing Franny needed to do was turn a guy away who 1) found her at least kinda funny and 2) could come see her set by acting weird as shit. “I’m Franny, and you can catch me at Callbacks -” she gestured across the street to the location in question, “-At 5:30 tonight. And then you can catch me tending bar for the rest of the night.”

📻

New York always did interest Heidi’s in all the right ways. It was a city where people didn’t try to make conversation unless they had to and Heidi ate that up. That’s what she hated about small towns. Lima was always the kind of place where she had to play nice and make conversation which was fine when it came to private school because the girls seemed to be almost as snobby and elite as she was, but when it came to the public school folk she always had a hard time getting one foot in. Enter New York where that didn’t seem to be a problem anymore and it was precisely that reasoning why when someone grabbed her arm, she quickly whipped out her pepper spray. She was always ready to attack in any sense of the word. 

“Fuck, Franny, you can’t just freak a girl out like that,” she paused, “what if you were a man or something?” She asked, letting out a hard chuckle as she processed the words that were flying out of Franny’s mouth. Heidi wasn’t the best person to ask about comedy. In fact, it was one of the things her father most often avoided speaking to her about when it came to his own acting career because it seemed like a funny bone was the one thing Heidi was born without. “It sounds funny, but I feel like I’d have to see it in action to get the full effect and no that is not an invitation to do a street performance right now because frankly, you’re better than that,” the brunette rambled off.

“You know, what don’t you ask Trace about this? He’s like… a comedy major? Or he’s doing something with comedy, I don’t know, I don’t pay much attention at family dinners.”

*

Franny’s arms shot up in a position of surrender once Heidi turned around, pepper spray in hand. The last thing she needed before doing a set was blindness. Once the other girl had lowered her guard - and her pepper spray - Franny gave a dramatic sigh. “I know, I know, I was kinda acting on pure instinct right then,” she said a wave of her hand. There was nothing scarier in New York than a man.

Shoulders slumping, Franny tucked her phone back into her pocket. Not exactly the reaction she wanted, but part of her knew that she wasn’t going to get any major laughs from that. “Okay, message received. Sad though, I was so excited to show you my street-side mime act!” she teased. “And I go to Trace about all my material, I sometimes think he’s just scared to disagree with me.” And Franny appreciated knowing another funny-man to bounce ideas off of, but it was always in her best interest to broaden her horizons. 

when: 09/04, mid-day

where: the streets of new york, near callbacks.

franny really had played herself. she had agreed to having a new set ready far too easily and it was about to bite her in the ass. sure, she had the material, but she hadn’t tried to out at all. she had no clue if they were funny at all or where even new jokes. with a frazzled breath, franny grabbed the arm of the nearest person “ hi, not tryna be weird, just tryna get a consensus but do you find this funny? ” she said, words coming out jet fast as she scrolled through her notes app for the ideas she had jotted down. 

“ okay, so basically i do this bit talking about how i hate ending conversations over the phone and i compare it to elton john trying to end a performance of bennie and the jets and then the song starts playing. i, like, mime it and ham it up really big because it seems never ending. ” as the words left franny’s mouth, she felt a large amount of her confidence shrivel up and die big time.

“ well ....thoughts? ”

a playlist by franny feltera.