Frank, the bedroom poet

hi everyone and welcome to my blog!

I am Frank, a 20-year-old non-binary poet and artist. I'm from Hungary, so English is my second language, I'm still learning.

I'm a beginner poet and lyricist and I also love drawing. check out my other socials if you're interested!

here are my socials! <33

https://www.instagram.com/iamfrank.2006?igsh=MXBlYXhzazluY3ptaQ==

https://www.instagram.com/frankdraws2006?igsh=dWVtbWYwdDBnY3F6

I have bpd (borderline personality disorder) and bad (bipolar affective disorder) so some of my works that I wrote in depressive or manic episodes might have trigger warnings, but don't worry, I always put a warning next to the title.

everyone is welcome to my blog, it's a safe space to all. my inbox is open, so feel free to ask, vent or tell me anything. you can also text me on instagram if you want to get to know me!

DNI: minors, haters, homophobes, transphobes.

ALL PICTURES ARE RANDOM ONES FROM PINTEREST, I DON'T OWN THEM!!

thanks for reading, love you all!! <33

I'm watching my dreams die, one by one

like an army, falling one by one

and when the day is done

all I want is to run

far away, where the ocean meets the dawn

so by the morning, I'd be gone.

late at night I'm dreaming about the day

when I will run away

on an empty highway

that I called home back in my day

when everything was grey

around my thirteenth birthday.

I don't know what's right, what's true

and I hate that I'm becoming you

and I can't lie, this tenth floor window

opens the sight to a beautiful view

making me want to break through

and jump, so I could start new.

ambulance sirens screaming

they can't stop the bleeding

I can see Heaven's greeting

as I'm finally sleeping

peacefully, loving the feeling

of a stopped heart and breathing.

the next day, the headline highlights my name

a day after I quit the game

and the world is just the same

as it was yesterday

when the sun rises without me

they say there's always another train

but I still want the one what went away

years ago on a summer day;

ever since then, I just can't seem to find my way:

I tried so desperately to forget her name

but at the end of every day

I can't help but picture her next to me

and fall asleep to the same daydream

all alone as always;

and though lately, I've been going on dates

nobody can live up to her name.

her name is constantly humming in my chest

like a curse, never leaving me any rest

without her, I'm miserable at best

and ever since she left

I tried to fall in love with someone else

and I'd trade all that I have left

just for a kiss, just to be held

just for her to call me hers

at least one more time, so I can rest

forever, without her head on my chest

and without her body on my mattress.

I need her like a drowning man needs air

and even after all this time, I still miss her

along with everything she had to offer

before leaving me behind to suffer

the curse of yearning on and on forever

after I thought she'd be my "forever and ever"

and after she became a lesson, painful as ever

still, I'd never

speak ill of her name: I could never,

the same way I could never hate her:

no matter what I do, I always end up dreaming of her.

she will never know, but I really tried

but in the end, she's all that I write about

because it's easier to leave than to be left behind

and I hope to find her again in another life

but in this life, Heaven's over now

and I know it ain't right

but I still want to witness her eyes

look into mine

but all we have left is an unspoken goodbye

and the false hope that one night

maybe I won't fall asleep with you in my mind.

there will never be another girl like her

not in this life, not in forever

there will never be another summer

like the one we had together;

and she knows it drunk, knows it sober

that she could knock me out with a feather

and I know it's for the better

but her name is still the one I mutter

when I wake up from a nightmare

with nobody on my mind but her

and a million thoughts, all too bitter.

soft lips and glittering eyes

her name still leaves me tongue-tied

and I still hope to see those whiskey eyes

if not else, then in another life

where I'll be hers and she'll be mine

forever, without a deadline

until Heaven and Hell collide

and when there'll be nowhere to hide

oh, I don't want to die

but if I have to, I want to die looking into her eyes

oh, poor little falling star!

burning too bright has become your downfall

look at you now, all you are is a scar

right below your mother's broken heart.

you're standing in the ashes

of what was once wishes;

past wins and big successes;

future fails and broken glasses.

you swallow pain and throw up anger

you keep saying it's for the better:

the bladeless, broken, lost sharpeners

and the blood that spills all over.

you can't shake this deep blue feeling

your inner child is barely breathing;

the future's cold hands are strongly squeezing

her throat, and she is weakly screaming.

you may have escaped physically

but you still dream of that place vividly

and you wake up in cold sweat, tiredly

and try to trick yourself to fall asleep again, uselessly.

the phone rings, it's 3 A.M.

you don't pick up at first, you think it's a scam

but the alprazolam you took moves your hand

and the other line whispers: "do you remember who I am?"

you lie back on the bed

dropping the phone from your hand

you can't believe what you heard

when you heard your own voice whisper (...)

she says: "oh, poor little falling star!

burning too bright has become your downfall

look at you now, all you are is a scar

I'm tired of this role I play

for your sake every day

and though I guess I can say

I learned to live this way

I don't want to end up this, no way!

why won't your world revolve around me?

I'm trying to be the best I can be

but you never see

and never really even want to see

what lies beneath, inside of me.

will you ever love me as much as you love her?

will I ever be as good as my sister?

what more should I do to be loved like her?

should I be smarter? prettier? thinner?

I feel like it's too much pressure.

I'm ashamed of all the things I do

just to be loved a little more

I know I try too hard, and to be true

I know it'll never be good enough for you

our family's a machine, and I'm just a loose screw.

I want you to hold me like you hold her

I want you to love me as much as you love my sister

because she's not your only daughter

you have a son too, mother!

I'm also your child, just not your favorite, father.

I'm really trying to be good

and God knows I'd be something great if I could

and if I could release the past, I would

but sometimes a wound

𐙚 Just wanna say you make some great poems!! ^w^

there's blood on the carpet;

I did it again

I pulled the blade from my old jeans' pocket

and struck again and again.

this time I won't tell anyone

I'll be careful so nobody finds out

it's almost like it has become a tradition

relapsing after every fight.

I'm sorry mom, for being a burden

that you had to carry for the past almost 20 years

I'll never be the golden

child you dreamed of all these years.

maybe in another life

you have the daughter you always wanted

not just a son with a hand holding a knife

oh dear, don't even get me started!

as a final act of my love

I'll end what's stopping you from living your dream life

so you can live

and I'll be looking after you from the light.

I don't know what I'm doing

all I know is that I'm behind in life

all I have left is art and writing

until eventually I'll end my life.

I swear I'm trying

and behind the scenes of the show I put on

I'm actually dying

and after all, in this suffering, I'm only human.

the window stands open

all I have to do is jump

so I could start my life over

and I wouldn't be this dumb.

but would anyone notice?

would anyone care?

and when I meet the final justice

would it be heaven or hell?

the blade was on the table

all I had to do was cut

and I just wasn't able

not do draw my blood.

I knew they would be angry

but I couldn't seem to resist

to cut myself this badly

like canvas to an artist.

will all this anxiety ever end?

I fear this is all my life will ever be

that I'll always feel this abandoned

that this is my life, this is me.

I might not make it another year

but do I really want to?

if I have to live in fear

then no, I do not want to.

my mind is a terrible place

that's why I write so beautifully

to my family, I feel like a disgrace

but I'm not mad at myself, confusingly.

I am more fear than I am human

I am but a creature of fright

even at times when I don't have a reason

I'm drowning in an ocean of moonlight

because you never taught me how to swim

I'm blinded by a constant spotlight

of the blame you put on me.

my thoughts taste like gasoline

and smell like blood and steel;

the fear of the unforeseen

and what I can never be.

maybe you were right

and I should grow up already

but my future was never bright

and I am just not ready.

dad, I'll never grow up

but I'll always be your eldest

because if I grow up

I can never be my best self.

I'll never stop dyeing my hair fun colors

and I won't stop doing makeup

I don't think I can stop breaking hearts of lovers

here's to the kids who are nobody's first

never the best but not quite the worst

always the poet, never the words

lost in between a thousand worlds

and a million unsaid words.

we're the last ones who receive the call

only the first when they begin to fall

the ones they leave behind the wall

and the ones stuck forever in a cubicle stall

until we pass, once and for all.

we all yearn for a soul like ours:

someone with the same amount of scars

not just on our wrists, but on our hearts;

that's the wish we all waste on every shooting star

in the long and lonely midnight hour.

we romanticize heartbreak and call it by their names

already too tired to be playing their games

confusing love with never-ending pain

but at the end of the day, we are all the same:

only a mess of love, spite and shame.

all we have in our hearts is hatred and pain

leaving us in soft solitude in the shades of grey

nothing to lose and nothing to gain

all it takes is a familiar name

and we're all alone with our anger again.

nobody knows this kind of suffering;

lying in bed and wondering

if this life is still worth living

or should we take death's offering;

I don't know why you did that

I thought that you were kind

you made me feel so bad

when you made me love you blind.

all I ever wanted

was to have you in my family

but you made me feel unwanted

when I finally gained clarity.

I really wish I was prettier

so you would notice me

I wish I was better

as a person, but I'm just me.

it feels like you're punishing me

solely for loving you

you left me as alone as I'll ever be

no matter what I do.

I thought that you were cool

and I wanted to believe you loved me

turns out, all you are is cruel

please, just set me free.

I was made for more than this

more than to be left yearning

I was made for more than this

I'm sorry mom and dad

I know, I messed up bad

I'm "lucky" I'm not dead

instead, I'm lying in a hospital bed

knowing you're all disappointed.

you will never know how much I tried

and how many nights I've cried

resisting suicide

but when you ask me what's not right

I always end up so tongue-tied.

I promise I'm trying to heal

I just don't know who I'd be

if my problems would magically disappear

because all I've ever been

was my illness, love and pain.

all I want now is to be me again

to go back to the time before it all began

and in the very end

I want to remember all my friends

not just the way it ends.

maybe in another life I didn't disappoint you

maybe in another life, I didn't put you through

all that pain, and to be true

I'm truly sorry for all that I do

but I promise I'm trying; and I love you.

I'm sorry that I'm here again

putting you through hell again

disappointing you all again

because once again

they will never know how much I tried

and how many times I fantasized

about not coming back home by midnight

and how many nights I spent thinking of suicide

I only stayed for the people I can't leave behind.

I stayed, because I can't imagine dad explain my brother

that he will never see his sister, ever

I can't have his little heart shatter

at the thought of his late sister

holding a gun to her own head and pulling the trigger.

I stayed, because I can't leave mom behind

thinking she was the one who missed a sign

when really, I was careful not to leave behind

any clue of the mess that's in my mind

I was the one hiding, not her who was blind.

I stayed, because I want to see sis find her way

because I made her who she is today

I raised her since the day

our parents divorced, and our lives became a hurricane

but I believe in her, and I know she will find her way.

I stayed, because grandma always said

I was the toughest grandchild she had;

she never thought I'd end up in a hospital bed

but she says she knows I can get out of my head

and I couldn't prove that if I was dead.

I stayed, because my future lover

would have to walk past my grave in winter

thinking the name on it is just a stranger's

when really, the person lying under

was supposed to be their lifelong partner.

I stayed, because my heroes didn't raise a quitter

instead they raised a poet, an artist, a singer

and though sometimes this life is bitter

I still have reasons not to pull the trigger

life is worth living, and I matter.

I still have hope, and many reasons to stay

and so many words to write, sing and say

life these days might seem gray

but eventually, I will find a way;

I've seen Heartbreak many times;

he's a handsome man with blue eyes

but don't be fooled by his disguise

he's charming, but cruel and full of lies.

Heartbreak drives a black car

and dresses like a rockstar

and when he crossed my heart

all he left behind was a faded scar.

a little while ago, I have made a mistake

and fell in love with Heartbreak:

he made me think I had a chance to be his lover one day

but all the things I thought he was were fake.

I named him Heartbreak for a reason

he was my only hope this winter season

but in this life, he only has one mission

and it's to break the hearts of millions.

they say "don't forget loneliness

has brothers and sisters in the darkness"

and Heartbreak is one of them, the eldest

brother of pain and faithlessness.

I still see Heartbreak on the daily

and I still hope that one day, maybe

I'll wake up to see him

next to me in bed, calm and dreamy.

that's the story of how I fell in love with Heartbreak

and the story of why I still feel weak

whenever I see him driving down the street

spring is on the corner

but I still feel just as cold

as I did in December:

getting lonely, getting old.

tonight I'm walking this dimly lit street

all alone, with no-one

to make sure I get home safe

but my one-man show must go on.

this isn't what I expected

growing up would feel

as a kid, I used to be excited

for my birthday every year.

the future has lost its appeal to me;

the only thing I long for

is death's warm embrace around me

as I bleed out on the floor.

I think it'll never get better

all my hopes are gone

this life just feels bitter:

all I want is someone to belong.

they say sometimes you gotta bleed

just to you're still alive

but I've been bleeding for the past ten years

and I still don't feel alright.

I feel like I'm rotting my life away,

wasting my time on pointless things

I feel like I lost my way

I'm not interested in anything the future has to bring.

last year passed so quickly

and I didn't enjoy a single day

and I'm the one that's guilty:

I'm the only one to blame.

I just wish there was someone in my life

whose heart beats faster when they see me

someone in this life

who actually cares about my feelings.

I was made for more than this;

more than just this suffering

more than just this darkness

last night snow covered my hometown

and I couldn't help but wish to be a child again

oh, how I miss the times

when you and I were still a thing!

the first snow of the year brought back some memories

of us as a family, playing outside together

but these memories stay memories

no matter how hard I try, I can't put us back together.

tonight I will close my eyes

and dream we are a family again

just one day, one more time

and then only memories remain.

I'll wake up with tears in my eyes

after I see you in my sleep

I'll remember the warm brown of your eyes

but you're something I can't keep.

I tried to talk about you lately

but I just can't

mom always gets so angry

I guess she just can't get over the past.

I hope you know I love you, dad

and in these lines

I try to tell you I miss you bad