Frankincenseisnotamonster

EXPECT IT! 

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DEETS:  

Today is the day we put things to rest. 

Let the old demons die,

Let sleeping dogs lie.

So this is it. We did. Come hell or high water. And we really have been experiencing hellfire haven’t we all. Literal fires, and figurative fires. Its not easy to walk through flame, it is harder still to walk through flames and not be burned. Let us bask in knowing that if we are here, we are whole.

I had my last guitar battle on Saturday, the day before my birthday amongst friends who have been there for all the guitar battles and all the personal battles before that. Even in smoke, even in fire, my friends and loved ones, present and virtual came to gather round in our world now made camp fire.

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I won. But what really is “winning” anyway. Is winning feeling better than someone else? Is winning learning a cool new lick on guitar? Is winning everyone voting for you? Is winning doing your best? Is winning just showing up?

Now at the end, after all the shenanigans, all the smiles, all the plotting, all the practicing and ruminating, I wonder, was it even a competition? And who really wins?

Winning is cool, and winning is good for me to work toward, but I didn’t do the battles to win.

I did the battles to battle myself and all the ways I had twisted up in self-sabotage and betrayal, setting myself up to fail constantly, and its not so much that I did fail but that I always “thought” I was.

I hope if folks look closely, or even look at all, they see what I see and know what I know,  I did the battles, every guitar battle as an expression of pure self-love and healing, an unabashed (although I can be very abashed) display of what I thought, who I am and what I was, and most important who I could be. I won for myself, a vision of me being something else than what I thought I was.

I think I win, but not because of “winning the guitar battles”. All that I won was myself, the harder battle and the real one underneath, of learning to love and like myself.

I haven’t become amazing at guitar, or done a lot of cool shows were I stage dive into the audience, but I’ve met new people and been able to tell I resonate with them. I’ve reconnected with people from the past and realized there not for me. I’ve been hurt and hurt others. Similar to this new anime I adore, called K-ON, that is about a club that meets after school to eat and be in a band; I spent most of my time dreaming, and eating treats and snoozing probably a good deal more than I spent playing guitar.

The thing I love the most about picking up guitar and doing this strange and silly performance ritual has been all new fun memories with my friends I’ve made.  And if I am being deeply honest, thats probably what I wanted most. I saw these other guys, something outside myself bringing folks together through music. I caught that love, and then I caught something more, or found something more in me, which was the dark, the envy the shadow.

The shadow is a special part. Its the part that made me keep practicing even if I thought it was a lost cause. Its the part that kept me feisty and petty with my rivals, I hope just enough to make it fun! Its the part that needed answers, needed to be seen, needed to be liked. But there was only one person that  could really give love to my shadow and that was me. I had some pain inside me and I couldn’t even really say truly where it came from. What I found healing was acknowledging it existed, that even with my love of psychology and astrology, I still found it hard to give myself grace, to say its okay to make mistakes, its okay to be selfish sometimes, its okay to be wrong, its okay to be bad, its okay to just be.

So many times I have let things change me and sometimes there’s just no stopping that. But when I play guitar or make art, I’m shaping my own change. Octavia Butler says, god is change, but also we can also shape change. We can future cast, and we have to.

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I was listening to a podcast recently  with Amanda Seals and Sonya Renee Taylor and they noted something so beautiful to me, “compassion and kindness can exist in the same space as honesty and truth”. I love this so deeply, through out my whole body. Truth doesn’t have to hurt and honestly doesn’t have to wound you. The guitar battles were my way of telling the truth in the most compassionate way that I could tell it, especially to myself.

They were a manifestation of what I believe, which is that fighting the power can be fun, saying hard things can happen with whimsy and joy, and you can do little things all the time to shape change and embody the love you want to see for everyone, by loving yourself, and the ladies of you know I had to add that in lol! ^,^

I haven’t always follow my own rules, or stuck to how I intended to do this whole thing, but thank you thank you to my lovely folks, my friends, my family, my bandmate, and my community thank you thank you (deep bows) for your ear, your time, checking in, looking out for me, hosting my battles, sharing my struggles, adjusting cameras and filming, contributing, joking and laughing, celebrating and being thank you thank you.

Through this whole process, I wanted to change and now in some ways I have. Its not my business what people think of me, but it is my business what I think of myself. I don’t need to be the protagonist of my story.

I hope there will be more challenges more strange adventure to go on. Sometimes I almost love the adventure itself, more than anything else. All I ask is that I have a fun story, and maybe one with a little adventure, a little whimsy, and atonement mixed in.

3 times over 3 times under I release my old stories. I love them for what they made me, And now may I let in something new.

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UPDATES

Im done play with the big boys now! To all my rivals I’ll catch you on the flip side.

I learned enter the sandman or some of it and it may not seem like a big deal, but y’all when I feel the power when I play it I gotta say!  So today I make a promise and I don’t always like promises, as they are hard to keep.  But if I cold promise anything ever, I would promise this:

Even if it takes everything in me, until my very last breath, I am going to shred so hard FOR THE LADIES. HUZZAH!

Challenger Stats:

Name/Classification: Robert (challenger 3)

Fight level: 12 years of guitar experience

Speed: 2 out of 5

Special Skill: Multi-instrumentalist

Astrological signs : Cancer Sun Scorpio Moon

Blood type: B negative

Charisma: 9 out 10

Constitution: the bobfather, All-Might from my Hero Academia, hannibal buress look alike, class clown, the comic relief, easily the loudest person in the room, mushy, would be made of jelly, goofy, home-made, 5th chakra vibes,  a hamburger with glasses. 

(Recommended listenings while you read this: Where I am queen by Jackie Venson)

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DEETS:

With one week away here is some info on my third and final challenger, Robert the Rabble-rouser. When I think about him I just have to laugh! 

We strangely met in high school when he and another friend asked if I had soda and to their surprise I said yes. Years later we met again and stayed distant friends until about 2016, when we started our band Frankincense is not a Monster! A lot has happened since then and we’ve been through pretty much anything you can think of together. 

Not only is Robert my friend and bandmate he also taught me mostly all I know about guitar. So why would I want to challenge him! Well that is a good question isn’t it. 

Robert is the kind of person that I will find infernally annoying as we argue over the right sound for a song, but in that same moment will make me laugh hysterically when he brings up how deeply he loves hamburgers. He is simple and honest and simple :). Yet I must challenge him, to see which of us is really the best at playing guitar for the ladies. 

And now I’ll make a disclaimer: this is my version of Robert, the narrative thats been running through my mind, not necessarily the truth just the truth from my perspective. Its hard and admittedly impossible for me to see Robert in any objective way. I have trouble seeing someone so close to me very clearly at all, so I hope perhaps all this will make more sense when I’m looking back on these days of guitar battles and practices, of stubbornness and silliness. 

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Battle intentions/Analysis:

I have always been low-key or maybe high-key jealous of how at ease he makes people feel, and how he brings comedy to any social situation especially performances. There’s something so fun and forgivable about him even if he’s awkward or makes mistakes. Robert’s really able to draw people to him, especially with his music that he a very intuitive understanding of, which I also envy. 

My goals with this last guitar battle is to complete a series, put a bookend on this wild adventure I’ve been on. Its been a revealing social performance experiment particularly for some of the obstacles I carry with them. As I near the end I’m finding the joy is just playing together. 

Even with everything going on I’m thankful for my bandmate, for the consistency of these guitar battles in my life and my friends that support me in this pleasure work.  I’m glad that me and all my rivals, all people of color could be brought to something that even if its only fun for me, is not something we are brought to that is life threatening or soul diminishing, which is so often the case for folks of color and so many people in general. 

That we could be brought to this battle, just to make music just to do something not attached to our productivity or our labor as workers, but our creations for ourselves if nothing else. It reminds me of something Billy Porter from one of my favorite show, Pose, said: “we speak joy to darkness”. If I did that even for one person, even if that is for myself, then every step of this has been worth it. 

Robert strangely is one of my rivals, but also like my other rivals also taught me important things about my humanity and my flaws. There are a lot of unspoken things between us that I hope I can address in this battle. Let it all hang out. I do love an good honest fight. 

Now as I approach my battle with Robert I’m reminded in a gentle way how much the patriarchy steals joy from us all. Even the benevolent amongst us, men and women, trans and queer, poor and rich, we all suffer at the hands of systems that make us forget ourselves, make us put on corsets for our souls. I hope that each guitar battle will help me to rip all the seams. I hope that for Robert. I hope that for my rivals. I hope that for my friends, my family and every one. 

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Another thing that has been clear to me through all my battles is that I’m never really ready. My point isn’t to be “good” or to be a proper “artist” or for “recognition” although it can sometimes feel like that. My main goal is to improve through practices. 

On my tough days If I want to be better than all these boys and on my best days its just to be better than myself yesterday. 

My greatest fun has been calling them all out! But my greatest gift is that at the end there will just be me leaving it all behind. 

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Fun fact about guitar practice:

So here we are ONE WEEK away. Just started learning one of the songs I’ll be playing so... :)

EXPECT IT!

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DEETS:  

Today is the day we protect what matters to us. 

“And let the gods know

Like every guitar string digging into my finger

I dig into you

Let the goddesses shine their light

On your codependency issues

May you finish a cycle

And surrender

And may there be silence

Where there was only always noise

So the gods know

All that they burned were demons

Light men to show me my way

May my shadows be my blessings

And may the blessings yield fruit

Fruits of our labor to share with others

Let the goddesses look up at me and see

I have healed

Woman of victory

Graced by the truth

Let me see what is unseen

May you have sight beyond sight

Let my fear, fear me.” 

Stay with the work

No cookie at the end

Guitar battle 2 half way through

The height of loneliness

But I’m gonna heal all the way

Didn’t think I’d be here

A villain in my own right

Seeing clearly and so dearly

 Rider of the night

At last a never ending season of pain has ceased

May every, single, goddess have your back.

Not just walking with your hyena but hugging it with all your might

Let guitar be the promise to self, my attempt at not self sabotaging, not betraying, being kind, and believing in myself.

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So finally watched and finished Avatar the Last Air Bender! Arguably one of the most amazing animes or kid shows I have ever seen! The analogies and every aspect of the story are so powerful. And the fire are basically the police or in larger sense the United States is the fire nation, the level of tyranny is unreal. Its a wonderful show so if you haven’t seen it I highly highly recommend. I love the main character’s journey and how powerful the women in the show are. Pretty much everything about its terribly good. 

Aside from Avatar, I’ve been having a lot of fruitful discussions, and fruitful song writing ideas coming from these discussions. Something that I have discussed with other black folks, friends and housemates, is this idea of the speaking truth to power, or getting white people to care. 

I spent a lot of my life trying to tell white people to care, educating people on why sexism matters, or racism matters, or why human life matters. 

I spent a lot of time raising my voice, getting exasperated, getting challenged, getting gaslit, getting ignored. 

I even did this with myself, my own sense of worth, I see it as a pattern, a pattern I’m trying to interrupt. Its not in everything, but its enough for me to notice. Notice that I sometimes seek out people who don’t see how magical I am, how magical women are, how magical queer people are, how magical black people are. 

I spent a lot of time on the offense, on the outside, the action of attacking someone or something. 

Giving focus to the other, giving focus to whiteness, giving focus to convincing, convincing someone to care, convincing people I’m worthy, causes are worthy of their time, care and attention.  When in reality maybe convincing was never, and will never be the way out. 

I want to walk down a different street. 

And today, and slowly through guitar, through reflection, and through dialogues with others, I want to keep turning to defense. 

I want a strong defense. And here’s what I mean by strong defense: 

I’m protecting my community not asking white people to care. 

I’m creating solutions centering the most marginalized folks trans black people, queer black people, differently abled people, brown people etc. 

I’m focusing on what’s healing for people and communities that I am in and committed to supporting. 

What I’m not doing is tricking myself, exhausting myself into believe the what will make me feel better is outside, what will make things better for my community is outside. White people in power aren’t listening, some people will have to listen on their own time, and in the meantime I wanna be playing guitar, taking back rock’n roll for black people, making music for women. 

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I’m still focused on smashing the patriarchy and smashing capitalism, its just my tactics have changed, I’m not going to smash them, because I’m not even messing with them, not giving it my focus, not giving it my energy, not giving it my power. My power and my attention, and my practice are on my own inner work, and on the communities I love. The defense is protecting what you find sacred, and I see protecting as also building, building black wealth, black art, building care and structures for communities thats healing,non-exploitative and just. I can do that by imagining, by writing, by creating, by listening, by participating, by practicing. 

I’m so thankful for the work, the dialogues, the battles, the experiences, the challenges. My guitar battles are coming to an end, and they have been so much more enlivening, healing and fruitful than I ever imagined they could be. 

I’ve learned so much from guitar, these times and doing shadow work, from my rivals, and from women! To me women have been this truly shining beacon, the manifest presence of grace in my life. 

And just to be clear, and since I love being contradictory, while I will stay focused on defense, I’m way too silly, quirky and mischievous to pretend that when the time is right, and just for the fun of it,  I won’t launch some whimsical counter attack. 

Expect it. 

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UPDATES

Happy Leo season everyone! I am learning more songs. And plotting and preparing for facing the very person who taught me pretty much everything I know. Stay tuned, for taking chances, making even more mistakes and getting messy! Good luck everyone on the your own battles, on protesting, on holding it down in your own way for the revolution. 

In everlasting grace and solidarity <3

EXPECT IT!

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DEETS:  

Today is the day we change directions. 

                                   Let things in society change

                               and let things change for yourself.

                   If you don’t like where you are going then change it

                     If you don’t like what you are finding rearrange it.

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I continue to change, as I walk or swerve down a different street. This is a big theme in society right now, and thank goodness its been a long time coming, and I find myself repeating that a lot lately. The personal mirroring the collective in my life as we go through hopefully, what is dark night of the soul to come out the other side better for it. A lot of healing needs to happen, and racism amongst other things won’t be healed over night. I won’t learn guitar over night or heal all my patterns of self-betrayal and self-sabotage by tomorrow, but we are all working on it right?

Looking back for me has been helpful in moving forward, to me this is akin to as a community how now there is more energy to look at the truth of history, not just want was convenient to see or was seen what might be most conducive to a capitalist society. 

I recently went back to look at my Xanga, does anyone remember Xanga? It was an online blogging platform before Facebook, before Myspace even, wow different worlds. In my teenage years on Xanga I was just as angsty as I am now, listening to emo bands like MCR, Juliana Theory, Taking Back Sunday, amongst others, (which is probably a small reason why I want to make music today!). Additionally I saw not only my desire to resolution to conflict but also the heavy level of internalized sexism I was holding onto. 

It took me until my late twenties too see how the patriarchy is bad for everyone, and that being stereotypically pretty while it affords you many luxuries, its not all its cracked up to be. Letting go of a lot of old narratives and coming back to yourself frees up so much space to fight the system and we need everyone we can get right now, so to me personal liberation is important internal work that allows us to do the resistance work in right relationship to ourselves and others. 

During this time I of course have to mention the astrology of this moment, we are experiencing eclipse season and a ton of retrogrades, meaning its an even better time to review, look back as we look forward, etc. Eclipse season is also intense and I imagine it has been for everyone with all that is taking place. The eclipse season has really humbled me in a way. Snakes, mortality, addiction and collective suffering have brought me to my knees this year.

In yoga there is a concept that everyone we encounter are our teachers. All my rivals are my teachers, my friends are my teachers, difficult moments are my teachers, and the guitar battles are and have been a big education for me not only in guitar, but in every aspect of my life and how I relate to others especially.

My last guitar battle opponent is literally my teacher, or who taught me guitar for the most part, now the student must face the master. Going up against my teacher who is at a whole different skill level than me is terrifying but  I always like those odds!

All of these battles have been great practice and I am grateful for the learning. Learning helps me smash the patriarchy which is always the main goal. As I learn and look back at my own writing I can see more and more how these three guitar battles, in ways I didn’t expect, and in hard ways are supporting growth in becoming the person I want to be. 

Playing guitar for me is also being this lady I have wanted to be for a long time.  A lady who I wished could have been around before. In the future as I envision battles to come I see myself finally being able to tell the truth and not out of uncontrolled anger, but from this deep sense of my self, from the victory of the truth. I really believe the truth is out there, that the truth will set you free. Even with a sea of troubles I am trying to see things not as obstacles I can’t overcome, but as opportunities to do something new. I chose to do these guitar battles not only to confront these three dude, but also to confront myself and how I handle my anger. I hope the benefits of this practice spill over into all areas of my life, because running from problems like running from titans is just no fun.

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My music and guitar battle journey is about my own healing and I want to share that journey, while also recognizing it is a privilege to focus on my feelings and art rather than survival. I feel like there is a lot we can all contribute to revolution, and this is one of the things I know I want to offer amongst other things. 

Right now to me it is so important to be in community, examine the ways we are in it and how we can improve for ourselves and others. I’m learning that as we continue the radicalize, and I’m learning that in my guitar battles too. At one of the protests I saw Angela Davis, which was ah-mazing, such an inspiring activist, and her words, always relevant feel so empowering on my personal journey and on a macro level too. 

“You have to act as if it were possible to radically transform the world. And you have to do it all the time.” ― Angela Davis

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UPDATES

I’ve been going to protests, and researching and just doing the work for the marathon. One thing I feel really good about on a personal level is that the guitar battle are all preparation for sharing more, taking more risks, and being more focused on community. 

Additionally I want to be well rested for the revolution cuz its about to be a long one and theres a lot to do am I right!

may the goddesses always be by your side. 

EXPECT IT!

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DEETS:  

Today is the day we riot. 

“All that you touch You Change.

All that you Change Changes you.

The only lasting truth is Change.

God is Change.”

― Octavia E. Butler

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God bless Octavia Butler, god is change and its coming in real time like a freight train. 

Everyday it seems, I say what a time to be alive!  It goes without saying but I’m pissed and so pumped by all the actions I have been seeing and going to, and participating in. Its heartening and refueling to see so many communities nationally and internally coming to stand in anger for us, beside us and behind us. 

My guitar battles and upcoming battle is on my mind in a different way because my personal journey feels very parallel to what is happening right now on a collective plane. I have been working with shadows, working to change, working to heal, learning guitar to empower myself, and speak out with art. 

I am so glad, like glad in the way you cry of gratitude, and in awe that all these protests that are happening. It feels like the shadows are being seen,  corrupt systems are being purged and America’s guts are all out and letting the truth out, well that sets you free. Its messy and people break into Target and ride horses, and get tear gassed and run over by cops, and criticized for rioting, but people that criticize are missing the point and I question the priorities of a person that sees average looting as worst than taking a life, as worst than keeping people in cages, in chains, enslaved, as worst than letting company gorge themselves with wealthy over the needs of humans, as worst than committing both loud and silent genocides. 

It feels like societally and for me personally there is a type of exorcism happening. The truth is coming out and people are speaking up. Racism is a collective problem and I just want to dance, scream and shout, for the joy of seeing people rise up. Its been a long time coming and there’s still so much push back, so many misbeliefs, ignorance still living, but I’m so glad to feel righteously held by community that is enraged and ready for change. 

At the protest in Oakland Friday night I got tear gassed with my friend and it gave me even more empathy, for all the people all around the world, that get beaten by police, shot at, run over and stomped on, for demands rights. I was afraid but also glad to be there, be with people to rail against too too many decades, and centuries of injustice. I’m here for the rage, for the healing, for all of it. I hope capitalism burns, I hope the police force is abolished, people are released from cages, that border dissolve, the patriarchy crumbles and that racism is crushed under the weight of righteous righteous justice. 

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Its always great as a person to take a stand on the issues and get together with others, but it feels especially good to feel the collective wave, that puts our shill and sham of a president in a bunker, reveals the brutality that has been suffocating black lives for years. 

Recently I re-watched “The Labyrinth” with David Bowie, which is still so good, and silly and magical. One of my favorite scenes is when the protagonist meets the goblin king after searching for her brother, and she realizes to defeat him all she had to do was realize he had no power over her. I feel this personally, but also see this communally. Those in power don’t have power over us, not when we are together. 

“For my will is as strong as yours and my kingdom is great.”

When I think about race in relation to the arts and guitar playing in particular I think about the fact that white dudes be over here playing three chords and getting hella likes, so I’m like here for the mediocre mixed black girls looking cute playing guitar movement, maybe after the revolution, that can be like a thing, and I’ll be here ready with my three chords! 

As a black person I wanna play guitar, even if I’m not good at because as an artist I feel like I can use to tell the stories I want to share, stories about whats happening now, stories about solutions, about an Afro-future where black people can breathe, like really breathe.

I don’t want to go back to normal, and I hope America doesn’t either. 

Personal change

Societal change

May the transformation be a flood 

Let the wound be filled with gold

Forever new forever old

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UPDATES

Dealing with lots of anger and many different emotions at the moment. Taking time to do this, protest, and practice.  I’m struggling to learn riffs, and bar chords, and power chords, but its totally the time and its totally worth it. Mostly I am aiming to keep these things as habits, fighting fighting, healing healing and never yielding. 

EXPECT IT! 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

DEETS:  

Today is the day we investigate. 

“Then one day you realized you would still be fighting duels, 

That you don’t just wake up changed, 

Your fight for change is in all the work, 

In every micro adjustment you make,

Every time you learn a new chord progression, 

It’s in the days your pinky slowly becomes more mobile, 

In accepting each setback after each triumph, 

And taking refuge, 

And feeling a sense of solace, 

That it is all practice, 

Practice in not betraying yourself, 

Practice in being soft, 

Practice in injuring the patriarchy, 

Practice in holding up up one more stair for the womxn who will come after, 

Gazing up at the infinite spiral, hoping for a better chance for the next generations, 

A view from the summit, 

That’s why you practice, 

That’s why you fight, 

That’s a reason to rock.” 

What a wild time to be alive. This shelter in place has been stressful and devastating for so many, and while there is suffering I am grateful for the pause. I have been practicing more guitar and yoga, and doing shadow work. Shadow work refers to a type of psychology that examines the shadow, part of ourselves we may try to hide or deny. Hi ego, hey shame, welcome back pride, you never really left though right, I accept you selfishness, oh judgement my old friend. 

Stuff like that, I don’t want to look at it, but that’s a gift of time, like the universe saying, “oh I see you have a lot to work on, well you gon work on it now!” 

And I feel personal work, shadow work, inner work are important for activism and helping others, so you can meet community from a place of deep awareness. This is important. 

It’s strange similar to the guitar battles, this quarantine, this time is making me face my self. Like I’M REALLY FACING MYSELF! And this is hard, but it is strangely enjoyable. I’m thankful for the privilege to be able to look at myself as a complex, imperfect human being. I feel like I am going through a dark night of the soul over here, but maybe thats what I’m always doing. 

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I am thinking of my upcoming guitar battle, the 3rd one, the last one. And to go forward I want to take a moment to go back to what I post 2 years ago in May 2018: 

Over the course of about 5 years I ran into 3 guys that I had different experiences with, but all of them left me very changed and usually for the better.

I was lovely lonely and wanted attention so I reluctantly ran towards guys who wouldn’t and couldn’t give me affection. But this wasn’t all true.

I wanted what was unavailable because I didn’t want to face myself. And the problem with attention is that you cannot have enough. I ran to the wrong people to run away from myself.

After many tears, waking up at 6 am, doing things I wasn’t proud of, manic, and out of breath what I remembered was guitar. I think what we seek out and what we envy says a lot about us.

And what I noticed about all these dudes was how much fun they seemed to be having playing guitar. So I try to listen to my envy now, my difficult parts, the hyena. Walk with your hyena.  I want do what I admire others for doing.

So instead of running to guys with guitar, I will try to be a girl with a guitar running to myself. But is that really such a good idea?

Looking at this is so fun, because even though I am still doing lots of work on myself and on guitar. This is the time to do it, and I am learning again and again how to run to myself in the most authentic and true way for me.

 I still do things I am not proud of, but things do knock me down like they used to, trespasses make me laugh, I’m walking with my hyena, accepting the hard parts of myself and I’m having fun playing guitar!  I know the more I learn the more fun I’ll have. 

One of my dear friends was married recently, and although the wedding that was planned couldn’t happen, like the rebels we are my group of friends created a small event for the married couple! This was really special to me because my band mate and I got to play some music for them and create a special song just for them. When I think back to a few years ago maybe I could have done a play or something I don’t know! But now I can make and play music, I can give a special gift to my friend who has been in life for 16 years!  Even if I am not that good yet, it truly warms my heart that I can give in that way, especially to the important people in my life. 

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The joy I have been able to experience because of playing guitar only happened because I let hard things happen so I am thankful for the hard things too even as I work on them. 

Some area of darkness I have been focusing on are self-sabotage and self- betrayal. In my first guitar battle and before 2019 I was really focused  on undoing societal messaging, undoing the toxic norms I was internalizing from capitalism and the patriarchy. In this revolution, in 2019 and 2020 I got more feedback from 2nd guitar battle and beyond. 

Now I am digging into what I like to think of as a 2nd ring of conditioning, parental experiences, and how they play out in my life.  There’s some generational healing especially around addiction. I have a lot more empathy now for those struggling with addiction. Addiction is the kind of god that makes your knees  tremble, the human-ness in me has reverence for something that can take your soul so completely. 

One of my good friends shared a poem with my a few years ago by Portia Nelson that reminds me how the process of moving through self-betrayal or bad habits, doesn’t happen fast, it doesn’t happen easily and will just look like small changes over time that can add up to a hard won new behavior. 

I love this poem so much. I cry every time I read it. The chapters acknowledge the process, and shows the change in how we take responsibility for and ultimately give love to ourselves. I’m at like Chapter 3 now, and looking forward to 4. 

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One of my other wonderful and lovely friends said to me some words, that I am like a detective investigating and I was like wow I relate to that so much. All this work I like to look at, as if I am solving a big mystery. The only big mystery is reconnecting to myself when I really think about it, and a lot is life work, like all our lives just letting it all be a fun mystery party. 

As I investigate and self-examine I have been reading and going back to old things to give me some perspective and its been awesome! I started reading, “Untamed” by Glennon Doyle and did not know how badly I needed this nor, how much felt like revisiting old truths with even more verve even more vigor. I had some reservations at first, but after hearing some recommendations from multiple people I had to dive in. Glennon as the title implies  weaves a memoir of how she was caged and how she got free. So much of the book resonates with ideals that I love like womxn being wild, be dark, insatiable, untamable. It covers these usual things like how the patriarchial society teaches women to look outside themselves for validations, to not have wants, to be desirable rather than to desire. How it hurts guys too,how it cages everyone no matter your gender.  So theres all of that usual stuff and other great reminders that feel really relevant as I shift through shadows. Here are some echoes and snippets from the book that made me feel full: 

don’t avoid pain, pain is magic, maybe you don’t have to seek it out, but if you try to resist it, try to stop it you’re gonna stop yourself, your gonna stop your spirit. 

not in rebelling and not in obedience

know and let it stand, know what you want, do what you want, don’t ask permission, don’t explain. 

a woman full of herself is what we need 

One line that reminded me a lot of the guitar battles for me was , “the moral arch of our lives bends towards meaning, especially if we bend it with all our god damn might”. The guitar battles are my way of bending with all my might, and I’m so glad I did and so glad that no matter what I’ll continue. 

This book also reminds me of another book I have been reviewing, “Succulent Women” by Sark, which talks about so many different great ways to heal and be a woman that really living. It mentions how when we block our darkness we also block our joy and I couldn’t agree more. Sometimes pain is to big to feel, but I think if you have the opportunity and the space for it exploring the darkness is always a fruitful venture. 

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The most revolutionary world to me is one where womxn are living in a way that is most true and beautiful (as the author of Untamed notes) a world with no war, where people are fed and have healthcare, have homes, have clean water, that honors softness, honors feeling and empathy for surely in that kind of world many womxn would rejoice and capitalism and the patriarchy could not exist. 

I want the music I make to be a dream plan for womxn that know life can be more beautiful more just, more caring, more true. 

Investigating the darkness feels good and feels right and my guitar battles are also my way of doing that. One day these battles will be over, but whether I beat my rivals or not isn’t the main point. I’m discovering things about myself, so in the best way I can,  I practice so I’m able to dream, plan and imagine through music a world of joy for womxn, because I believe that would be the most joyous world ever. 

I rewatched a film that is dear to my heart that I saw as a kid. Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind a Hayao Miyazaki film, which takes place fear in the future after the conflicts of humans have left the earth’s ecosystem completely devastated. Most of the earth has become a toxic jungle and small villages try to survive, and in the Valley of the Wind lives Nausciaa who loves plants and animals, and is a scientists. Seeing how things are today wearing masks, like they do in the film, conflicts raging so sporadically its hard to know which side is which, the film doesn’t feel to far off from life today. 

I bring this up because Nausicaa is a great example of a female protagonist who leads with her softness and sweetness. She loves deeply and is thrown into a rage when her father is killed needlessly by a neighboring kingdom hellbent on destroying the toxic jungle. I appreciate Nausicaa because she is strong and intelligent and seemingly fearless, but what I admire the most is that she cares.  

I work a lot to protect myself and sometimes hide my softness (although I could never really forget it!). I guess for a while as I have been growing up (and I still have so much growing up to do man!) I started to think maybe I shouldn’t be soft anymore, or vulnerable. 

However its something I really like about all my friends, that I like about Nausicaa and now always want to say I like about myself. I am soft! I am a tender heart here me roar!

I hope as it is May day all the work from shadows, from investigations can help us all imagine and create and take with our hands, as labour and the oppressed of the earth have done so often the justice we all so duly deserve.   

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UPDATES

I have been practicing a lot of basics like scales and chord progressions which is good for me since I am always trying to go to fast.  Since we have more time I have been getting a lot more hours of practice in which is really all I want just to practice forever muwhahahaha!  Really trying to slow down even though I can barely play as it is and already want to move on to sweep picking. I am slowing down like a snail working on different signature for a project. No plans. No expectations. Enjoying making something that I can’t wait to share, mostly with the ladies :) . 

I love when you call me names by Joan Armatrading *my new fav 

EXPECT IT! 

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DEETS

Today is the day we go inside.

It seems cruel on a day for jokes there would be so many happening all at once, all the time. Sometimes you just have to laugh and cry at the chaos of it all. 

Hey guess what? That new decade you thought you would get your life together how about instead while there continues to be greedy multi-national businesses running communities and the environment into the ground, let’s have a virus that effects everyone in the whole world said no one ever. NOT FUNNY. 

All our beautiful ridiculous plans, man. 

So there are definitely some clear upsides and downsides of all of this. I have been really happy to see so many communities coming together and supporting each other. A lot of folks are striking and protesting even while we have do physical distancing (shout out to the Amazon workers striking!). I’ve seen friends, and roommates mobilize and organize, support people finding resources. So while it’s really a feet that some big businesses can be so inhumane even during a pandemic, its encouraging to see folks fighting back. 

This whole situation also puts a lot in perspective. I think previously while I do enjoy reflecting when everything 1st started in mid March I got all these intense, of course, feelings. I find myself going through a lot of colors and reactions to things, and at the beginning I was just observing them all. Like oh are you gonna regress into that unhealthy behavior, cool that’s fine there’s crisis going on. Are you gonna cry because all the families walking by are so cute and your happy just to see them getting to spend time together; of course from a 6 foot distance! Miss every child even the annoying ones I worked with as a school counselor, yup do that. Meditate, then go on my phone, then mediate again, then try to do yoga, then get distracted and start dancing, build a new routine for yourself in the chaos. Why not do all those things. 

Also feel like its a great time for capitalism to be over. Can it just be done now, can capitalism catch a virus? Can a virus catch a virus? I agree with a sentiment being expressed which is that I hope as the situation stab, at whatever point that is, that we don’t back to the normal before the virus. It would be really cool if governments and companies were like hey you know how we decided to help people a little because its was an emergency, lets do that all the time except more. Let’s treat people humanely, not keep them in cages, or destroy the environment they live in, that would be great. 

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Mostly in a lot of my introspection I have been finding a sense of bemusement at my own reactions. Like this disaster is making me go in on myself. Letting myself hold all the contradictions. Sometimes its just really funny to watch yourself, make decisions and just notice like dang, my ego got away with me for second there, it really did. 

I have been acting a little outside of my normal, however I kind of like it. As I am always saying I want to accept the monster in me too, walk with my hyena. 

i still walk with my demons and I won’t shatter myself, I won’t take away that monster or be afraid of it either. I want to be deliberate is to take responsibility for my actions — to be accountable. If I do something that I know has consequences, that all my friends (who really have my best interests at heart warned me not to do, thank you my wonderful friends), then I’m still going to own that choice. I’m not as healthy as I would like to be yet, but I can also see I have changed and I’m all about harm reductions. 

I can see I am fighting with power and with my ego, I see it reflected in occasions where I once had fear, and now observe. I said to my bandmate once,“we make music to see who the monsters really are”. And that’s really where I’m at lately, I’m trying to extract things from myself and sometimes I feel fractured but not a fraction, not reduced, a real monster.

Perhaps due to the crisis or perhaps not, I’ve also been focusing and pursuing anything that brings me joy. I choose joy and ask for more. Even though I have done things, and some how even recently I have mixed feelings about, I find it really healing to be in community. That helps so much and I love that music and art can create that community, and give opportunities to heal and build bonds. I can appreciate western psychology, especially as a mental health counselor for the kidlets, but I really believe that healing is also decolonizing therapy, healing collectively rather than on an individual level, and killing capitalism. 

There will always be repercussions for all we do, the ladies know it, but I think the worst thing is letting anything keep you from your joy, from your healing process, or from our humanity. And thats the thing I hope when I look back at playing guitar, or the global pandemic, or challenging my guitar rivals, that I can have a smile about it all, because at least I was alive for it. I don’t want to take anything for granted ever. 

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UPDATES

I’m practicing guitar. Am I practicing guitar? Basically I just want to have a routine so I don’t go crazy. Playing guitar to not go crazy yes great plan! Good luck everyone with all that is going, may the odds be in your favor as we roll through Jumanji >,<

Here’s a great one for you: Diana Gordon - Woman

EXPECT IT! 

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DEETS

Today is the day we fall in love. 

I like to be in love with what has loved me. I think that is the practical way to be about love. I find a lot of value in loving without expecting things in return, but there is some love that can always be returned!  

The type of loves in my life that are always returned is the love I share with my friends. Thank god for friends! (PRAISE). Another love that I have been unfaithful to, would leave and then return, that always had my back was, art. Art always had love for me, even when I didn’t have love for it. So thats what I’d like to commit myself to loving, and loving some more, my original heat throb, the guitar.  Its such a luscious feeling, super heady and emotional place when you have a crush or are infatuated. I feel like I’ve been infatuated with making are for a long time , and have finally decided to commit more deeply to it these past years. 

So this is a love letter to the one I never gave it to, two loves in one house that have always held me up every time I fell: 

Thank you to theater and story-telling. My original love. Thank you for making me strong, for being consistent in an inconstant world. I tried to run away from you, but you never left my side. Thanks for teaching me to use me voice, and to build my confidence, thanks for teaching me what it means to share, and walk another’s path, to have empathy. You’re still all around me and in my blood, and you have grown with me which hard to do for anyone! You have always been real, and real classy. I’ll love you forever, you’re heart is evergreen. 

And thank you, thank you to my new heart throb, guitar. You are shiny and sexy! I was really resistant to you at first and some days I still am, but the make -ups, make-up for all the bad break ups. I’m still learning so much about you and your history, and all the glorious sounds you can make. Thanks for being there on dark nights when I had trouble understanding and changing my pain into something useful. Thanks for teaching me to be bigger, be louder, you are a better choice and I’ll always love you for that. I’m crazy about you, you make me giddy, you are my dark fantasy, you gave me permission to be silly and have FUN!!! You are the best example of the rewards and great things that can happen in all relationships if we put in the work. 

I hope my three challenges can be commemorative of the years I spent struggling at guitar and to build a solid practice. I’m building my love for guitar, and committing again and again to focusing on my art even attentions can be pulled in so many directions.  I hope I can look back at these battles as a time when I played guitar awkwardly and tried with all my might to change my own narrative to one that felt truly right for me. 

I started playing guitar to create a different story for myself, and invent my own freedom. But the journey of learning to play guitar has been so much bigger for me than I thought it would be. I brought more connection into my life, gave myself more power, healed, healed some broken connections, had fun and found what I needed in my spirit and soul, the music and art of womxn. 

 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Recently I got to do a reading for a book release event and it just blew me away. Dani Burlison an amazing woman and author wrote a book of short stories called, “Some Places Worth Leaving”. I’m like how do you know my life! In it there are so many beautiful stories about revenge, and woman triumphing and the sexual assaulters dying and its great! They are stories of escaping, which feels super relevant not only for me personally, wow, but also for a lot of women in the world who are fighting just to live, for example in Mexico where woman activists are mounting huge artistic and widespread protests against femicide or femicidios. And to me the love I see that is so fierce is in Dani’s stories and its surely with the women in Mexico and across the globe fighting to protect their sisters, their mothers, and their daughters. 

In discussing my own sense of love of art, and the love I have for womxn making art I am fiixated on the words  from Audre Lorde’s collection of essays, “Sister Outsider”. Lorde talking about taking a pain experience and metabolizing it, about making pain not be continued suffering, but that if you take it in, learn something from it or move through it you can change it into something useful. 

This idea to me is a lot like the lemonade metaphor. I want to turn a sour experience into something sweet and meaningful for myself and other women. And I am in love with and inspired by all the women that continue to do this, to turn what was once rotten in to something nourishing, or just showing us that there is a fucking way out.  So here’s to falling in love with delicious art, sexy guitar, here’s to courting the things that put you in right relationship, and to women who help you stay with yourself, and metabolize your pain, may we love them, may we protect them, may we be them. 

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UPDATES

I’m busking? Kind of busking? I’m busking or learning how to busk. To be honest I’m mostly watching my bandmate busk, but hey you have to start somewhere!  

Also have been doing lots of guitar research in terms of history and omg the American history of guitar is cool, and finding women of color of artists who play guitar is a huge joy of mine. Recently found Jackie Venson, through my sister (cuz women are great), and gosh just like the song title, it makes me feel so good. 

Hasta llego! In goddesses we trust :)

EXPECT IT!

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DEETS

Today is the day we get down to business to defeat the huns!

I know disney is problematic, but I really do love that song in Mulan, which is to me not so much about being a man, but occupying your masculine energies and striving and accomplishing much you thought you couldn’t do.

Do you ever have those days where you feel so excited because you want to get a lot done, you’re feeling dare I say it— productive!

Then slowly as your day unfolds, like the unwinding of a ball of yarn, you find at every corner, at every turn, something…goes…wrong.

That day is not a day but a month and its called February! I shake my proverbial fist at you February! You know who you are and how hard it is to spell your month and there’s a reason for that! Okay so I’m being an angst teen about February, but its a historically hard month for me. To be honest there really isn’t anything wrong with February, but perhaps something not right with…my attitude.

I feel this meme describes my sentiments exactly. It really does take a level of honesty that is hard to imagine, to recognize all the ways you are sabotaging yourself, and then undoing that. I have been enjoying myself, and have made some good progress with changing habits, but there are a lot of things I haven’t done. And to be honest what I haven’t done is what I claim I want to do the most which is share my art, share creations, music, even if they aren’t good at all! I don’t really care about goodness in that regard, more about the passion with which you lay the music, art, performance down.

Recently, I have made mistakes as a grown up, nothing to crazy just you know the average day to day things. And while all this was happening, I got a cold this week. Which also not a big deal, a cold’s a cold, drinking tea, recovery on the way. Then I stay up late one night, looking at horoscopes on my phone, silly stuff, before I got to bed, I put my phone on what I think is the bedside table, is actually a half full or half empty (depending on the way you are looking at it) cup of tea. SO I leave my old iPhone 4 to soak up some tea overnight. Now again normally okay unfortunate but not a real problem. However because I have been procrastinating, on backing up and sharing photos, on backing up song lyrics, melodies on voice memos, this seemingly benign mistake, turned into a big wake up call for me.

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BACK UP YOUR PHOTOS PEOPLE. I wish I had. However I feel grateful for the times in those shots  even though I miss the memories, I’m glad I was there and present when they took place. As for my music materials! Luckily my band mate at least made me back up my photos on the “cloud”, so that gave me opportunity for a second chance! Praise. So now reflecting, I find myself in a similar predicament to Kiki, when she loses her powers to fly, in one of Miyazaki’s most magical, “Kiki’s Delivery Service”. 

In the film Kiki is young witch on her way, soaring, poised ready to grow into her witch powers and be a part of the world. Through her stay in a new town at a certain point, after making a delivery, flying through the rain, and becoming sick, she somehow loses her powers! What a jarring feeling. And thats really what I felt when I lost some of my work. So you have to work to get it back, and the thing that made me the most angry with my self is that I wouldn’t have much to lose if I had already made it, already put it out.

I hope to take February to recommit to my goals, even when I’m feeling sad, or sick, or in doubt. Losing my so called, “data” or some of it helped me realize, theres a lot I want to share with people, especially the ladies, and my rivals. I have things to share, and to say. A yoga teacher I had recently, used this term in class for heart opening poses, “sometimes you have to spill your guts out, so you know what’s inside you”. A poetic yoga teacher she was. Spilling your guts is a worthy past time, and sometimes the muses have things to say through you, so just share it, who cares who knows or doesn’t know about it.

I make art because it helps me with my hard parts, and I’ve already seen a lot of improvements with my state of mind, behavior, and my artistic work, and my spirit after completing two guitar battles. In reflecting especially in the holiday months I know I have so many addictions, and what helps with them is art making, it always has and am I am led to believe it always will.

This month I want to rest, and I want to work, hard at doing what I enjoy. What is more fun than working hard for what you love, moving through your hearts desire, sharing with others, especially at a time when people are under the boot of late capitalism, seeing the impeachment trial unfold while are brethren are still in cages. Theres a lot to be thankful for, and theres a lot to fight for, and there are many ways to do your fight. I just want to do mine, and not wish I had done more sooner, or even ever.

Here’s to doing what makes you feel healthy and like yourself this month, and this year. May you have rest to do all you need to do, a beautiful pace. Even when you forget how to fly, every small step, every secret kept is worth it. Let the words speak themselves.

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UPDATES

Blessings for the Lunar New Year! 

EXPECT IT!

Today is the day we find some peace.

A day with no plans, no expectations, a day where we can change our fate. - Brave

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DEETS:

Happiest of New Year’s all you sweet, sweet people! Its been a wild ride this year and this DECADE whew! New Year’s is always a pretty reflective time for me. Looking back at last year, I accomplished at least 3 of my 6 goals so feelin good about that 50%.

One goal that sticks out to me is feeling gratitude and man I am feeling that at the end of 2019 and as move into 2020. I hope this year I can keep showing my gratitude to loved ones through my actions. There are so many people my friends, family, incredible ladies, incredible womxn, new folks, rivals, admirables, mentors, co-workers, passerbys and frenemies all that make my life so colorful and lovely.

When I look back at this year I feel so different, a lot has changed for me in a positive way and that is mostly due to my community so big ups to all of you, it really takes a tribe.

So aside from sentimentalities and sappy stuff, in reflecting, I haven’t done all I planned to do, but have made some progress. I am looking forward to building habits, rather than rushing exuberantly into all my plans and then realizing I bit off more than I could chew.

Something good I have learned from both my guitar battles and from my rivals is that sometimes I am just a lot of talk. And I will say that while I can definitely talk the talk, I hope more more that my actions can reflect all this mad game I am spitting.

In this new year one thing I realized wasn’t just talk is that, it actually all happened regardless of the results. Something I consider a huge personal success is that my life is resembling that of Brittany from the Chipettes in the “The Chipmunk Adventure”  movie and while that might sound incredibly silly it bring me a ridiculous amount of JOY. 

If you haven’t see it, “The Chipmunk Adventure” is about the Chipmunks and Chipettes as they go around the world in a hot air balloon race around the world  to recover diamonds that they do not realize are part of these evil rich peoples’ smuggling ring. At one point in the movie there is a great scene where Brittany, leader of the Chipettes, challenges Alvin, leader of the Chipmunks to rock and roll off. The rock and roll off really makes the movie, and makes me wonder if maybe I took this movie too seriously as a kid, looking at how my life is playing out now.

I think it takes time to extract joy from life and at this point realizing I have any similarity to Brittany of the Chipettes, is so ultimately satisfying and fun.

I am trying this year to take my fun more seriously and my habits especially because my 3rd and last battle is coming up and its definitely going to be my most challenging yet.

Its also according to the lunar calendar going to be year of the rat! A good year for new beginnings, getting things in order, recommitting to our goals, and reaping the benefits. So here’s to girl power, and saying no and saying yes, to going through the motions, smashing the patriarchy, holding contradictions, and moving forward, happily, with some merriment, with some mischievousness and with some really hardcore, never say die attitude joy.

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UPDATE

I hope you all feel good, all feel so great, through all the silliness, all the anxiety, the failings, all the celebrations, all the tiredness, just feeling full.

Here’s to the new year, Here’s to the ladies It’s all for you Feelin great & grateful.

So I had to include this really cheesy song for your viewing pleasure, its great, doesn’t need any other explanation. May everyone have a joyful, just and righteous beginning to a new decade.

 EXPECT IT! 

Today is the day we have some fun :)

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DEETS: 

“The role of the artist is to make the revolution irresistible.” - Toni Cade Bambara

Heard this quote I love, at one of my band mates shows recently. I only got introduced to Toni Bambara, a year or so ago, an amazing activist, and author of, “The Salt Eaters”. There are so many great words she gave us, praise to this goddess. To me part of the artist making the revolution “irresistible” is by making and letting the revolution be fun. Part of my personal revolution has learning to extract more joy from life, to be a lady that laughs at life and myself. 

Some of the fun I have been having such as seeing Brittany Howard in concert, (so amazing and Brittany is a fecking treasure to be sure) has been life changing!  I have also been reflecting on some of my more “wicked” fun. When I say wicked fun, I refer to “joy” I derive from embracing my inner villain, as one of my friends always says.

I like causing mischief! I am finding this to be true even more so as I age. Perhaps things are going backwards for me. Getting into a little trouble, can be fun especially if its for smashing or subverting the patriarchy! Makin way for the Matriarchy heck YEA! 

Sometimes in my stringent thinking, I get caught up believing I can only be “evil” sometimes, but really you can be evil all the time! Or rather just cuz I get into some mischievousness doesn’t take away from how I support women, and thats what I was struggling with. But then I think of some of the female characters from shows I love, such as Faith from Buffy that you just love for being bad, and I do love Faith. 

I like to believe its possible to be a caring kick-ass lady, una mujer en una misión, and still have some guilty pleasures in life. 

I actually find most of the women in my life I admire, usually are both dedicated to their principles, but also are human, real and imperfect. 

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Lately while visiting family for the holidays felt a huge amount of gratitude for all family, friends, and enemies alike that have crossed my path. In particular  I am very inspired by the women in my family and young women in my family to continue on my path. 

I want to lead by example and I thought that meant sticking to all my principles steadfastly and most of the time that is true, but I want women to enjoy themselves and have fun and sometimes that might mean bending your principles a bit, but if I want that for other ladies, I have to also accept that in myself. The revolution doesn’t need to be perfect, but gosh darn it, it should be fun. 

Sometimes I think of it like watching a bad disney channel original movie, such as “Descendants”, its just bad there’s not way around it. The premise is actually fantastic, disney villains children and their lives, could have been so good! But from far away all above 11 years of age will be able to see very clearly, that this movie will reproduce problematic stereotypes, propping up static characters with a plot as sturdy as a tower toothpicks. 

However these movies can be fun to watch with your cousin over the holidays purely for the fact of yes it is bad, but some of the pop songs in it are pretty cool and so is some of the dancing. Plus I can’t be fully mad at movie with Ursula’s black daughter in aqua braids, like come on. 

Of course I am being facetious, yet I’m also being serious, sometimes for its own sake its enjoyable to watch bad movies, and eat a peanut and jelly filled donut  with FROSTING from Disneyland, yes it will make you sick, but as long as you’re not expecting a healthy snack option, or a good movie, isn’t it okay to do these things once in a while?

And thats what I’m really saying, no one ever said smashing the patriarchy would be easy, and no one ever did say you couldn’t have some fun while doing it. Plus women having any kind of fun seems like a good a rebellion against the patriarchy as any. 

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I give praise to the goddesses in my life by being my full self, loving myself and accepting myself, even if I have many imperfections. I  try to heed the words of my sisters and still walk with my hyena so to speak. Fire can’t burn me anymore because I’ve become quite the fire myself. 

Devil woman by Cliff Richards, oh what a song. Its my new favorite forever! 

“Be careful of them neighborhood strays Of a lady with long black hair Tryin' to win you with feminine ways Crystal ball on the table Showing the future, the past Same cat with them evil eyes You'd better get out of there fast”

Apparently in the song a man gets cursed by a cat (already amazing just for that), then goes to a fortune teller to break the spell, but what he doesn’t know is that the fortune teller he went to is a witch and she is the one that cursed him in the first place. Oh dear lord...let me be that kind of lady. 

For all my ladies, in whatever way it is you find your joy whether in being crafty and witchy, strong and unyielding, fun and mysterious, kind and true, and in charge of our own freedom, subverting whatever roles you want, may you always have fun in your revolution.  There will always be repercussions for all we do, the ladies know it, but I think the worst thing is letting anything keep you from your joy, from our humanity,  

“The trick to not feeling cheated is to learn how to cheat”- The Brothers Bloom

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UPDATE

I got the stomach flu I think, but in some of my delirium have been writing like crazy! There are so many songs, and hope to be sharing some soon :”)

In the goddesses we trust! Praise to the ladies, may you have all the fun this holiday season ;)

EXPECT IT!

Today is the day we trust omens! 

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DEETS:

I love monsters. Thats probably why its in our band name for  Frankincense is not a Monster. And I love this time of year and looking into more of the unseen world. Halloween forever! During this season I had become curious about the origin of the word monster. Here are some fun things I found: 

Monster derives from the Latin monstrum, itself derived ultimately from the verb moneo ("to remind, warn, instruct, or foretell"), and denotes anything "strange or singular, contrary to the usual course of nature, by which the gods give notice of evil," "a strange, unnatural, hideous person, animal, or thing," or any

Monster came to also mean huge or enormous around 1500 and soon came to describe things that were figuratively absurd, such as a particularly disturbing thought.

The idea of expanding and also listening to omens is a big part of the meaning of the word monster and  lately I have found  both concepts very relatable. In having fun with friends during Halloween, I find myself thinking of the ways we have all expanding and keep growing into the people we want to be. On the other side of things I also find myself enjoying and reveling in omens, or warning and trusting that I’ll know what might be a “fun” form of danger, a hilarious spook, and what is a real threat. 

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Thats a saying I’m taking more and more to heart lately as I think about my two previous rivals. What is an enemy if not just a friend that teaches you the darker matter of yourself and how to wield it well, what to look for as missteps and revealing ways that you might become stronger. At least that is my more positive outlook on it for now. 

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In other news during the theater show I have been in, Particle of Dread: Oedipus Variations by Sam Shepard, been digging the scorpio season energy to uncover. 

I've been falling in love and learning more about the people that already do the work I hope to do. Recognition like a slowly setting in fog, is what I repeatedly find myself experiencing as I see all these opportunities and communities I've never seen or never sought out because I was too busy being insecure or just daydreaming. 

Lord knows I do love to daydream and I'll never stop, but man I guess for me, as I might be the last to notice, that I have a setting around me that allows for all the growth I have been hoping for and dreaming of.

I hope whether I did the guitar battles or not I would have eventually realized this, but it's hard to say.

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The callouses that became finally rough and unwavering for guitar battle number 2 have begun to peel. I am not practicing as much as I had in those weeks in August and September, but I am having fun.

I'm building my new story, telling my own narrative and noticing more and more when I give my own opinion of myself away to others, to decide things about me or for me, I can choose to listen if I like, finally learning and relearning a lesson that seems young but I suspect can sometime be quite old.

I’m actually excited for this mercury retrograde and slowing down and reworking some old plans and projects.  Still working to move past my unhealthy relationship to men, I’ve made some good steps, but this battle isn’t over. I’m learning to trust myself and find happiness in myself. Even my monstrous side. I still walk with the hyena and am finding ways to have fun and hopefully work harder and smarter. 

Trying to find that balance of the goddess and human in me as I move forward. Perhaps it would be great to be a goddess all the time. That is something I strive for, but I'm also human and flawed so I feel like if I'm a goddess like kind of 50% to 40 % of the time, then I feel like I'm doing pretty well. 

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UPDATE

EXPECT IT!

Today is the day we reward ourselves. Let’s celebrate!

   I dance because I am joyful and celebrate my own active healing process.

       I love my sisters. In my sisters are an ocean, ocean of strength

                                           Man of sand

                                           Man of dust

                                         I blow you away;            It was never between you and them anyway- Mother Teresa

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DEETS: 

I win! I won! Well in some ways. So guitar battle number two happened! So a win on all accounts, for it should have not by all accounts happened. The full moon in Pisces impossible magic was with me on my birthday. So let me set the stage. 

I message my opponent after 3 years of not speaking, they agree to to the guitar battle. I practice like a woman possessed, although to be fair I could have practiced more, always can practice more. 

On the eve of the guitar battle and my birthday, it is boiling hot. It is so hot no one can possibly attend this battle. If my last battle was a battle of earth and light and nice outside, that would make this one a battle on volcano!  It is last minute. Our house has no air-conditioning. This is a crazy personal plan and plenty strange.  No one should go to things on Friday the 13th anyways, bad luck. Can I even make it? 

Yet my friends begin trickling in, into my hot house, with my super hot nerves. My friends bring gifts, praise, and support. I am thinking good at least if my challenger doesn’t show,  we can have a fun night jamming! HOWEVER MY CHALLENGER DOES SHOW UP! I eat a sweet potato, gotta get grounded. Stay in the freezer for a while, what I planned, it happened. 

My friends come, some friends of my opponents come and we get it going. It was hot, an especially strange Friday the 13th but it felt good, felt healing and felt right. Ran through the categories and the “official win” ending up being mine, however I can see my challenger is clearly more skilled at guitar. 

Yet this does not bother me. I found a lot of things that gave me a win in my heart, so even if maybe they are “technically” more skilled at guitar than me, there are so many wins I received from going through with this insane plan, all my beautiful ridiculous plans man... 

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REFLECTIONS

I made a fun memory with my friends and someone I had a pretty difficult interaction with, that is a huge win for me.  Unlike the last guitar battle it didn’t go quite as smoothly, but thats part of the fun. ( If we are going to heal let it be glorious - warsan shire)

I won category-wise, I didn’t win each category, one I actually completely failed at, but thats a great part of the experience gets me ready for hopefully more future performance mistakes, because at least that means I’m performing! 

I left it feeling I’m a better performer overall, when you account for charisma, singing, and musical content. And when I get better at guitar, which I surely will, I’m gonna leave them in the proverbial rock’n’roll dust :) 

 Seeing my challenger after all these years made me realize that the communication was difficult and it was difficult for a reason. I really had this image of them being like this cool dude with long hair and performing and getting all the ladies. This video I included at the bottom encapsulates my feelings about this person and how I compare to them. Its pretty fun. 

I WIN because I had fun, to answer my challengers question of why I am doing the guitar battle, no I’m not that broken, nothing was that bad, and it was never really between me and you anyway. It was for me, myself. 

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I had a lot of gratitude on my birthday and guitar battle, my enemy made princess, not particularly exciting, not scary to me anymore. I had a run in with my own demons, and came out better for it. 

I saw the wealth of what I have around me, great friends, friends that fight for you and are worth fighting for. Friends that will MC your guitar battle, come from 2 hours away to see you, to film you, cheer you on, make food for you,  respect you, see you and let you know your good energy matters. 

I still have demons, they don’t hurt me like they used to. I set spells all around San Leandro after.  Days before the guitar battle new women came into my, inspiring ladies, ladies I had been looking for, resistors, brown, funny and ferocious. 

Something has to be right about that. 

A few days after the guitar battle I had dinner with a good friend went through all these spaces that used to challenge me, that I saw my old self in, I saw a guy on bart that inspired a song, “Queen of the Damned” I wrote about uninvited  sexual advances, and empowerment, I went to a corner where I confronted a guy for pushing himself on me. I went to the bistro and told the truth to my opponent. The truth brought me an angel. And the truth kind of set me free. My challenger is not particularly great, but I like to see them as friendly rival to playfully roast now that’s its all said and done. All these magical things happened. 

In the years gone by I played guitar to get back something I lost, I ran, I ran and wrote, and slowly tried to change habits. I’m still doing these things. I won’t stop, each guy might think I’m coming for them, and I am to shut them down. 

Its not them I want to see, I want to see myself, newly made and believing in myself, so I can do it big for my community and the ladies! THE GLORIOUS LADIES! That’s what I love and all want and its happening. Healing is lifetime work, I’m working, so all the boys can suck it. I’m ready to be well, sorta ;) 

I can laugh now at things that used to hurt me and I had so much, the most fun! 

I surpass you bitch. 

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UPDATES: 

I’m thinking ahead to my next battle! I felt inspired by getting together even with my foes to play music. I have so much I want to get out there, so I want to do as much as I can. I want to put out more original music and improve at guitar, excited for the results and trying to balance enjoying the process. My life got so fun since I decided to do this so thanks all for listening, and playing with me, and to my friends and the ladies ITS ALL FOR YOU! <3<3<3

It’s still in my heart

And I ask to rip it out

Let the patriarchy blind me no more

Blinded by it as if by pure sun

I long for luna and dark

Let me not walk any longer towards a light

In which I am always casting a shadow

Let me only be shadow

Let me be dark

May there be no more light

I used to like living on that planet

I loved the feeling of the sunlight on my skin

But I am ready to be well now

I want to believe in myself

To be hated by lies

To Apocalypse

To uncover

What has always been in the dark

EXPECT IT

Challenger Stats:

Name/Classification: L (challenger 2)

Fight level: 12 years + of guitar experience

Speed: 4 out of 5

Special Skill: Soloing

Astrological signs : ???

Blood type: unknown

Charisma: 4 out 10

Constitution: a karma monster, a ship in the night, myths about sweet grinning night creatures that can’t stay with you, creed man, egomate, or the driver in drive, just senseless masculine but also a robin hood feel, 1st/2nd chakra vibes.

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(Recommended listenings while you read this: Bombastic by Bonnie McKee)

DEETS: 

So this is it, two weeks away from my 2nd guitar battle. Its been a long time coming and I wouldn’t say I am prepared, but I do feel ready to do this.

I have not talked to this guy in 3 YEARS. What did I do? Messaged him anyway, yes I did. Did I write an outrageously long message? You bet I did! If you are going to do it might as well go all the way. If you try something does it have to make sense? JUST DO IT. Practicing this kind of freedom, is good for me and mostly feels good too.  As to whether or not this rival will accept my challenge, well the jury is still out on that one. 

EDIT: He has accepted the challenge!  However regardless of what happens I’m doing a guitar battle either way or having the event either way. I’m literally and figuratively ready for anything! (All of this is eternally metaphorical)

When I think about my action and preparation for this guitar battle I am reminded of one of my favorite cartoons as a child, “Jem and the Holograms”. Jem and Holograms  is about an all girl band with a front woman who can change her appearance with a computer program (ahead of its time for the 80s). In the intro theme to Jem, one of the lyrics is “Jem is truly truly truly outrageous”. And that’s what I want to be outrageous. I have always admired that quality in others, to do things with no fear of judgement, no concern of the consequences, getting to the point where anyone else would quit and not even stopping there. To me that kind of personal choice, being big, whether you fail or succeed is beautiful. 

My rival is the kind person you want to support, but that is pushy and seems overconfident. I went to one of their shows when I 1st met them and left them a Christmas card a week later on April Fool’s asking them out for tea. So it was off to a strange start and that theme seems to be continuing as this 2nd battle unfolds. 

When I met him one of the first things he said was some quote that struck me as both cynical and honest. When I first interacted with him I though he had been a jerk in the situation, however it is only now that time has passed I realize that wasn’t really true (although I do think in some sense he is kind of jerk, probably still is, definitely still is, yes.)

 I never communicated well with him, I rarely said how I actually felt and then was often frustrated with our communication. I realize looking back I projected a lot on to L ( as I do with so many dudes) and at the same time made my self vulnerable without building up my own sense of trust first.

And now I’ll make a disclaimer: this is my version of L , the narrative thats been running through my mind, not necessarily the truth just the truth from my perspective. That being said I think this guy was dealing with a lot of injustices out of his control and had a worldview that was more concrete than mine making our interaction stunted and brief.  I hadn’t really interacted with guys much at this point so it was difficult for me to deal with any communication with him. Once again some resentment and envy were involved in my perception of him and well that colors things a certain way.  My real beef with this guy was that I felt like I was offering help to someone who didn’t want it or appreciate my perspective and  HUMOR which was honestly the real tragedy there.

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BATTLE INTENTIONS/ ANALYSIS 

I really envied the amount of drive my rival had, something I saw so clearly in how he lived, but didn’t see manifesting in myself, this is something I’m still working on actually.  If you could steal a quality from someone,  from him I would steal his tenacity and ambition.  The brad pitt blinders, a form of tunnel vision so absolute, unconcerned are you with anything other than the end goal. In retrospect it must be said, I have and still do have lots of opportunities to be a bit more ambitions in my endeavors.  

So there is a possibility this could end in “disaster” however I am also open and up for that! I still forget again and again thinking I am fighting with this dude but my issue is with an idea and that idea is the patriarchy. In one of my favorite anime’s upon which much of my guitar battle idea is based, “Utena the Revolutionary Girl”, there is a great line in the ending song: 

“I believe in myself because I want to believe, I want to be hated by lies” 

I love this line because  it reminds of all the important reasons why I am doing this. Do impossible things, practice impossible things for the revolution, don’t let useless people have power over you, especially boys who are dumb, if you are jealous of them do better than them. 

Smash the patriarchy that makes mad ones out of men too, let go of things that don’t serve you, love what loves you, and something more mysterious and fun which is to have joy in a process of purging unhealthy socialization from my heart and being honest about my flaws, the hyena I walk with. 

 My goals in this battle are to be as outrageous as possible,  exorcise some demons, do my best, and be as thankful as possible. 

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UPDATES

I want to give a shout out to all my lovely friends, family, and community that are supporting me in this endeavor which includes a party at my house, a fundraiser ! (see link below) and of course the guitar battle itself!

https://www.facebook.com/donate/636622320197064/636622330197063/

I AM GOING TO BE PRACTICING EVERY DAY. One thing I will say is that in terms of technicality and experience, I don’t hold a candle. However I always love impossible odds. Plus I believe I win in other areas such as cuteness level, spiritedness and of course hair. In hair I WIN. Its about guitar but its also about the whole package so with any luck we’ll see who the ladies prefer :)

EXPECT IT !

DEETS: 

Today is the day we say goodbye!

Say goodbye to all the attitudes that don't serve you

To distractions and playing small

To doubts

To saying yes with no boundaries

Say hello!

To the power of no

To being a villain

To being completely and  genuinely yourself and not apologizing

To making mistakes and failing big

To do the things you need to do so the next generations will not have to strive for what has already been accomplished

To telling the truth to yourself 1st especially

To re-dos at any age and having your day anytime

To non linear healing, feeling, and, communication, and art

To joy

The mercury retrograde has been real y’all! A lot has come to light as the Dude likes to say. I find myself so close to this guitar battle that I can’t procrastinate anymore on the person I would like to be, or guitar practice. I guess its been time to get cereal, but better late than never, as I always say. 

At this time I am reminded of the magic of the last guitar battle I had and how it really gave me a chance for catharsis. I hope I get this chance again. Let lightning strike twice. 

I think about this old anime watched as a child called Iczer 1 which had awesome trumpet music and an alien protagonist female that fell in love with an earth girl. Iczer 1 has this great sci-fi vibe and is super creepy, however the protagonist has an attitude I’d really like to emulate, its a quality I see in a lot of the friends and family I have in my life actually. Its a quality of really getting your shit together when things go sideways or even before they do. 

Its the type of admirable quality I feel people have when they step up to do something that they are scared of sure, yet the risk to them is worth it, big spiritedness. I want to have a big spirit and practice standing up for myself so I get better at standing up for others because as we know that just needs to happen a lot more. 

In my journey I find myself stronger and testing how good are the boundaries I’m setting up. I still have a ways to go, the dread still comes from time to time but my recovery is quicker, my understanding of what I need clearer. 

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!SPOILER ALERT FOR HANDMAID’S TALE WATCHERS!

EXPECT IT! 

DEETS: 

Today is the day we ask questions. 

As the 2nd guitar battle approaches I find myself questioning the reason behind the whole thing.  I appreciate that my journey through these guitar battles is a way in which I can pose these questions. I don’t necessarily have an answer and it may or may not be answered in the process. 

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Can you heal something or change a behavior or experience by revisiting it? While this would not be true I feel for trauma, I think in my case as it was a learning experience there is potential for it

Do you see the change? Will I see a change in myself when face my challenger once again, well that is what I wonder, a big reason why I am doing it. 

Have you truly changed? Is this the way to tell?  I like to think its a symbolic way to make a point. 

Have I improved at direct communication when it's something I'm afraid to say? In some small ways I have, but I still feel I have a long way to go in this area. I was actually talking with a friend recently about this and I even had the audacity to question like do I have an issues with communicating directly? I totally do have issues with communicating directly not for positive things, I can do that all day! Its the tough things, like anything confrontational, competitive, hard to express, negative etc. that I have issue with. I feel this is why my spirit, body and soul are so riddled with angst. You know those times when you think you know yourself, but you have such a good friend that THEY actually know you better than you know yourself, that was definitely one of those times.)

Can I say what I mean 

And look my challenger in the eye?

Can I handle the seasons of my mind as Stevie says ? ^,^

These are my questions.  The whole thing is a walk toward all things I fear, direct communication that could even be considered confrontational, performance in general and with someone I really seemed having trouble talking to in the 1st place, hence all the angst.  My experience 3 years ago woke me up to the patriarchy I was internalizing and in that way I felt I was set free, my eyes open. I still remain vigilant to it’s influences seeping in, and I work to undermine in, in any way or any chance I get.  So I felt it was essential here to go back to some original words, or those rather from my journal in 2016 to really get to the root of what all this is really about. 

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Side note: I didn’t even realize it but it has been 1 year since starting this blog! That’s crazy and can’t believe I’m still writing here and can’t believe I’m going to do this next guitar battle! (I still have some tricks up my sleeve!) 

“A life with no need for men” “Die in the field you receive no burial! A man is man and will never be allowed to breathe the sweet air of our sacred nunnery, for the sisterhood!” 

This great quote I was always writing and saying over and over. I am sure there were some of you that heard it and probably too often. Its from one of my favorite slice of life anime shows, Princess Jellyfish. Its a fun story about a geeky girl who lives with other geeky girls and they meet someone who dresses as a girl but is actually a man and find a way via fashion and art to protect their beloved home or the nunnery. One reason I love this quote is not so much to actually shut out men because they suffer from the patriarchy too, obvs, its because it has the quintessential no boys allowed feel and I think that is good for everyone boys included, lol. To me sisterhood is scared and people of all genders or non genders benefits from that type of loving bond. I also used the phrase a lot almost as a protection spell against the patriarchy, not the sweet air of our sacred nunnery I tell you! 

“Don’t let the outer influences disturb your inner peace. Support what supports you my imaginists fam, art fam, friend fam, the women in my life, my earth. Its been really good actually experiencing all these big feelings, and like Michelle said , fail big! Go out in flames! (make them wonder why you’re still smiling)

Perhaps goes without saying but my experiences always, and especially in 2016 reminded me when the love in my life was coming from. It was coming from the different communities, families, people, artists, folk that have let me into there lives and I want to honor that through the art, and artistic experiments I make and engage in. Also failing big! Isn’t that what every artist aspires too! 

Please don’t feel new found space with the obsession with old things that do not serve you. Please move newly into that haven we’ve been waiting for you; fall in love with women, fall in love with art, fall in love with your heart here. Follow your bliss, follow your risk, there you will find your treasure.” 

Sometimes in my journal I would write reminders to myself, as if to say, “hey don’t go off the rails just yet!”. In a lot of instances with big transitions or changes its easy to go back to the same ole’ same old, and I really wanted to in these guitar battles to make them rituals of connection, to say, “yeah I couldn’t say what I wanted to say before or yeah I wasn’t the only one struggling with patriarchy am I right, a chance to tell the truth and share something different rather than apathy and a “healthy transition forward if you will”. I wanted it to be more risky, more whimsical, more fun, PLUS I’m pretty sure you have to be doing something right in resisting the patriarchy if any one sees you as an  emotionally unhinged, deranged, hysterical and or batty lady. Its a goal of mine. 

“We’ll see jump and take the risk and see. Except I can’t tell if I am at the height of success for myself or a bottomless pit of failure, they just feel so similar.” 

Pretty much says it all. 

“You are the sword I grind my axe against to sharpen myself and test my metal”

This one I like because I was hoping , and still do hope that I will improve my guitar/ performance skills a great deal by doing this. I wasn’t just in it for the symbolic battle with the patriarchy, come on! I do want to see if I can grow artistically and you know actually best these dudes at guitar. Whats more fun than that. Do it for the craft! This is my experience and experiment, a presentation of art for my own personal growth and of course, as it always will be in dedication to the LADIES!

Hasta llego ! Believe in the goddess that believes in you :)

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UPDATES 

I’m learning Crazy on You by Heart and now have been practicing more regularly yay! Its nice to see the slow progress you make from continued effort. I just hope it will be enough improvement in the amount of time I have left!