A Wondering Mind

I never use to drink it. I was against it some time ago. Then the regents exam came up while I was in high school. I was trying to study for long hours as it seemed like it was the right thing to do and others were talking about how long they studied for.

I walked towards the back of the building and then across the parking lot. There was a fence there to walk to Dunkin' Donuts.

I had no idea what I was ordering but I did what I heard others did to see if it would help me the way it helped them.

My first cup. A small coffee, black... I added sugar packets to it.

Whoa!

Sweet, and it made me feel like there was a barrier between myself and reality. I knew everything that was happening was real but it felt like I was hyper aware or so.

I thought, this must be what the other students spoke about.

I can do this!

The regents exam? Let's just say for Chemistry and Math, I think I failed both or maybe just passed the Chemistry one.

The coffee didn't affect me as it did for the others.

However, my feeling for coffee continued.

I went somewhere with a friend called Babylon Bean. We'd meet up and work on our laptops and talk. It was refreshing to have someone to co-work with as I found the coffee shop ambiance...productive.

Then, Starbucks came into focus. I used to treat myself to the one near my job as a way for me to get out of bed on time as I knew if I wasn't on time, I wouldn't be able to get my green tea latte made with coconut milk and a double shot of espresso.

There it was, that feeling again of being hyper aware and the distance between myself and reality.

I was chronically late to work at the time... 1-4 min late.

A manager at the time told me... people look up to you, don't be late.

I was shocked by this..why look up to me?

Apparently folks saw me as a high performer. I had no idea what this meant at the time. I was elected into Quality Assurance. I listened to calls and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Not that the reps couldn't handle the calls, but no one taught them what it was to be great, for them.

Everyone is different, used different words, comfortable or uncomfortable saying things a certain way... why were they taught to sound the same? This is how an identity is eliminated. I spent time creating verbiage and the essence of the call for over 200 representatives.... each one personalized.

Some people would say, how does one do this? It's impossible.... no such thing exists...

Vince Gilligan does it again. From Breaking Bad to this show. I appreciate his writing and ideas.

This show is quite profound. I was hesitant to give it a chance. Now I can't stop watching. Just like Breaking Bad, I just want to know what happens next.

I wonder if this stemmed from a dream of his... it seems like it. Perhaps I can check out an interview or two if it's available to see how this was created.

it's good to see the story arc as well as the actors in the series. It shows different dynamics of people when they have access to everything and are surrounded by niceness.

What would I do in a situation like this?

I feel like it already exists on LinkedIn. I'm surrounded by people that think like I do which is nice but, I'd love to have a conversation with someone that disagreed with me every once in awhile. Challenging ideas and thoughts is how the mind adapts and grows.

I feel like I'd be freaked out for a moment but then once I saw I could do anything, I'd probably indulge a bit. I feel after awhile it would get boring though..

New year's resolutions I feel are pointless.

I'm sure they work for some people, however I feel too much pressure is put on someone, a task or habit for these things.

The number one task? Stating there is going to be weight loss, going to a gym, quitting drinking among other things. Why not just start?

Saying it's a new year's resolution forces someone to change immediately and this is not something most humans are able to achieve.

I used to set them in the past but the older I got, I realized...you're either going to do it or not...you get to choose the outcome.

Every year Planet Fitness capitalizes on folks New Year's resolutions as losing weight is probably #1 on the list. Advertising is clearly working as every year they can be seen across multiple platforms and have the maximum views. No other gym is promoted during this time. NYSC, Lifetime Fitness and many others seem non existent.

With prescriptions such as Ozempic and many other weight loss options, I wonder if the Planet Fitness empire will eventually subside with time.

I can't even remember any other business that had this reign of Times Square views for NYC.

Vulnerability isn't always what it seems.

Some see it coming from a place of strength, some see it as too much information.

The ones we choose to be vulnerable with, there is a sense of rapport and trust.

Or, a question of its existence.

I guess we shouldn't be too surprised when what was; is severed.

It's the realization that this was not a mutually shared force, but a vision held by one.

There is an abyss of loneliness that is uncovered in the fog.

How can we tell who to trust and how to determine if the rapport is real?

I guess that's what the moments of vulnerability are.

Sometimes I need to remind myself that consistency doesn't have to be everyday, hour or month. It could be yearly...or more.

I tend to get stuck in processes. Wondering next steps and even if I know what the next step will be, I constantly evaluate and try to see if the stimulus will create a new result.

As I work on my next steps I am starting to see and learn who I am.

Some may say, "How do you not know who you are?"

It happens over time. Following others perception of me. Trying to "fit in", not wanting to stand out.

The clarity I sense these days I am grateful for and I hope it'll continue to grow.

Sometimes I'm curious about what the future may bring.

I feel like I can predict the outcome but... that's not necessarily true.

It takes a lot to undo what has been done.

Change naturally is tough for humans.

There is a select few that have no problem with pivoting from task to task or scenario to scenario.

We see them often, whether they're in entertainment or politics, sports, business.

For some it's a challenge. For me, I'd love to be the person that's able to go from meeting to meeting and focus on creating and visionary work.

I'm realizing this is something that is customizable, but takes time to figure out what works just like any other science project.

I've been at this for quite some time and it's only recently I've started to understand me.

I feel as though this is natural... too much fun in the 20s (or just enough), slight understanding in the 30s, and putting it all together in the 40s..

The present is what one can see.

Bringing things into the light.

Much has changed.

I keep going.

Or do we always want more?

Dreams deferred. Thoughts galore.

What are we here for?

To achieve or to live?

To belong? What gives?

I guess it is self defined.

Your beliefs are yours,

There are times I’d like to disappear.

Hide away, running from fear.

The story continues to follow me still

It’s a teacher, maybe God’s will

No matter where I turn

I feel the heat from the fire continue to burn

The must be a relief in sight

I’m sure there is a guiding light

To keep going sometimes is a struggle

Feeling trapped inside a bubble.

I know I’ll get through this it’s part of growing

Greener pastures bring on mowing.

Sometimes I just want to go dark

Hide away, not leaving a mark.

It’s not so bad there are worse things

After all I could’ve be dead,

Making moves to greener pastures

Belief in God; faith is my master

Taking the time to reflect on the past

I thought I was trapped, but it didn’t last

I praise God for the moves we made

The foundation was laid.

Now is the time to reap what we sowed.

Taking our time to learn and grow.

New challenges will be part of our day

Let the chips fall where they may.

I know we’ve got this we have thus far

Scatter brained

Fallen hearts

Cryptic messages

Limited smarts

A day in the life.

Foggy skies

Gloomy nights

Repetition

No delight

Rain showers

Limited Power

Sparks.

Vision clears

Guiding steer

Trot along

One direction.

VIP section

Create the room

Velvet rope

Ski slope’s

Vacation bound

Peaceful sound.

Sunny skies

Bright eyes

It is near

The painting appeared before me

As far as I can see

The horse was running

Stunning.

I can’t quite tell

Maybe I’m not seeing well.

Is it running away?

Or at play?

I rub my eyes

To give it another try

To see it for what it is

A horse in sprint

It appears to me when I squint

It’s hard to tell

Be good

Be great

Be the one they celebrate

Cheering on

Carry on

For the chosen one.

Pick your mind

Pick your brain

You’re the one that feels insane.

Why do you think you’re so great?

I am the chosen one.

They’ll judge you

Fear you

Might even kill you

Rumors and lies

Will lead to your demise.

The chosen one

Why do you think you’re so great?

I’m not.

We set sail at dawn

Second half of the journey

It shouldn’t be long.

Rough seas led to steady waters

Build tough

Brick and mortar

The storm came through

Thunder and lightning

It was frightening

Until the calm seas graced us

At daylight

Skies opening to reveal the sun

This mission continues,

We’re never done.

The promised land is by the horizon

From ear to ear

Pride to fear

Connection

Convection

Limitless Waves

From eardrums to caves

It’s in the file

Listen now or in awhile

Your time.

Absorption.

Miles and miles

The energy transfers

From ear to ear

Where do I belong?

Does color matter?

What’s in the sense of belonging?

Morals? Values? Books I’ve read?

How will I know who my people are?

Trying for so long to fit in.

Stuffing myself in suitcases

Rolled left and rolled right

Where should I go?

I don’t know.

Maybe I could stand out

Like a statue on a mount.

I don’t know where I’ll go