FOX TALES

Who ate Stan and Ariana Grande? Why are donuts involved?

Huh? No, oh my god there's no Stan. A stan is like a fan but a super fan. And I don't know what was with the donuts or why Ariana Grande licked them but she did and it was caught on camera and here we are. I have a feeling that's not who's licking the paintings, though.

Eggo Waffles are delicious!

That's definitely a potential play! But like I have to be careful not to cross the line to make it free advertising. Because then like, why pay me? If I'm already singing their praises then they don't need to sponsor. And let's be so for real, I want their money. Or at the very least a year supply of waffles!

Because why not? Why not capitalize on the sufferin' of others? It's all we're good at.

Bro, did someone steal your eggo or something? Is there some deep seated childhood trauma this is bringing up or what? Cause like, trust me, we live in a society, late stage capitalism, eat the rich, blah blah blah, I get it, I'm on board. But also like.. Chill? Maybe? Or I don't know have a Snickers or something before you frown so much your face stays that way.

If you're attractive enough, I'm sure they'll offer you a part. Can't imagine too many good looking people lining up for a chance to be in a waffle commercial.

First off, I'm absolutely attractive enough, thanks. That was never a barrier. Please.

I mean, the Stranger Things fad is ending, so I guess they need a new claim to fame. Might as well be "giant disembodied leg from a small town in Maine" I guess.

I won't lie, I completely forgot that there was that whole thing with eggos in Stranger Things. I guess someone in marketing was like "time to bring it back BUT THIS TIME, IT'S REAL!" And you know what, I can't blame them. Brilliant work.

[user screams at the top of her lungs in frustration]

Ooookay, you're not a bot, are you? Just gotta be upfront that I don't want to talk about the warranty on my car or about life insurance or any of that.

Don't question it, just enjoy. [user is so excited about a stupid commercial]

Okay, that's super fair. I always worry that any high profile activity happening in town is some kind of prank or something because, I mean, it's Wicked's Rest of all places.

He striked last week and this week at my gallery MuertArte. Different times of day for all 4 times.

Interesting. I wonder what possessed them to do it once let alone four separate times. Maybe they're a really big Ariana Grande stan and thought they'd do something other than donuts.

I'm not back in town. I'm still gone. But the internet has access everywhere. Imagine that. Life is full of surprises.

Oh. That sucks. I was hoping thought you were back. I can't believe you weren't running back to witness the leg-craze going on or whatever it is.

Birds don't even look like birds half of the time because birds are just kind of like, there, and the you get other birds that don't look like birds and non-birds who look like birds and then like, a whole other category anyway!!! It's just a leg, but like, where is everything else? Where is a ear glued to a tree? Why does this town have some weird like, leg fetish?

There are birds that don't look like birds? Which ones? Like penguins or something? They look like birds to me. The beaks and all. I think most birds look like birds but then again I guess we don't even know if this is a bird but like I think only birds tend to have beaks. Right? Oh wait, no, I think some fish have beaks but I could be wrong. It is coming up out of the ocean. Maybe it's a fish! Wait no, fish don't have legs that's sort of their whole deal. Maybe MAYBE they don't belong to the same thing! And we're just assuming they belong to the same creature!

ihayleg heretayleg. saayleg ouyayleg ancayleg eesayleg, 'miayleg otnayleg urrentlycayleg hetayleg estbayleg ubjectsayleg orfayleg naayleg nterviewiayleg. espitedayleg owhayleg oolcayleg hattayleg oundssayleg. oddammitgayleg.

[user stares at this for a really long time and tries to put it into google translate but nothing helps]

Wormsgiving approaches, as inexorable as death itself. I will make myself available in the 9-5 hours throughout the next week, so you may give me worms then.

I've never heard of Wormsgiving before. Sounds fascinating. Can you explain it? Why worms? When does it take place? How many worms are you expecting? Why worms?? Where are you putting the worms? Do you want live worms or, uh, you know, not... live ones? But also why worms???

Am I hallucinating or are these tiny legs on people real? Please tell me I'm hallucinating.

You can't just tell people it's weird that their legs are tiny. That's like socially unacceptable. Some people are just short and that's okay. It's not like a disability or anything but even if it was, that wouldn't be a reason to think they're hallucinations!

[user's squonk sits on his laptop while he's out of the room]

You good, buddy? Did you fall asleep face first on your keyboard?

Do those things even work? I've always been tempted to try one but I mean I can see ghosts when I'm in fox form so it doesn't really seem all that necessary because if I want to talk to them I could just do that but I mean that would be awkward since I need to eat them and like it's weird to talk to your food, right? but I mean they seem sort of hokey. What's your beef with them, anyway? Did someone pull a prank on you with them or something?

Legs this, legs that. What about the arms and fingers? The toes? There are people with weird leg loving things here, you have to protect their toes. Nobody look at the toes and I think we'll be okay.

I mean you can't really see the toes so it's hard to say if there's toes to speak of. I mean I guess that could make these arms and not legs but they look like a bird and birds don't have arms. Or fingers. You know cause the wings. And like if a wing pops out of the ground, you better believe that would get so much more attention than a leg. But like right now it's just a leg. People seem really into it, though. I think I saw doodles of it in a bathroom stall. Which I guess I have to give the artist credit, normally people just draw dicks. And to be fair, it's way easier to just doodle dicks but nope. Legs.