hard to love

      HE   COULDN’T   REMEMBER   THE   LAST   TIME   HE   HAD   LOOKED   FORWARD   TO   HIS   BIRTHDAY.      in   his   experience   he   never   had   much   to   look   forward   to.   no   matter   what   gifts   were   waiting   for   him,   no   matter   how   much   money   his   parents   spent,   it   was   hard   to   look   forward   to   aging   another   year   when   you   didn’t   particularly   want   to   be   alive   anymore.   it   was   bleak   as   fuck,   and   something   he’d   talked   about   with   his   therapists   —   old   and   new.   the   year   prior   had   been   different,   but   still   not   great,   caught   up   in   a   karate   war   that   left   little   time   for   joy.   this   year   was   far   better,   and   hawk   felt   like   17   held   a   lot   of   promise.   sure,   shit   would   probably   get   stupid   stressful   before   he   hit   18   with   senior   year   and   college   on   the   horizon,   and   no   doubt   he’d   have   a   handful   of   bad   days   to   counter   the   good   ones,   but   he   felt   like   he   could   manage   better   than   he   ever   had   before.   most   of   that   was   due   to   robby.   he   was   like   hawk’s   guiding   light,   and   hawk   knew   that   he   never   wanted   to   give   his   boyfriend   up.

      HE   REALIZED   HE’D   MISSED   A   PRETTY   FUCKING   IMPORTANT   STEP,      having   not   immediately   said   those   three   words   back,   but   he’d   been   a   little   too   caught   up   in   his   shock   to   think   much   of   it.   it   felt   unreal   that   robby   could   love   him   too.   good   things   didn’t   happen   to   him   too   often,   and   he’d   already   felt   really   fucking   lucky   having   robby   in   his   life   in   general.   this?   this   felt   like   the   kind   of   thing   that   only   happened   in   dreams.   a   soft,   disbelieved   laugh   passed   from   his   lips,   and   he   leaned   in   to   press   his   forehead   against   his   boyfriend’s.   ❛   i   love   you   too.   so   fucking   much.   you   don’t   .   .   .   you   don’t   even   know.   ❜   he   had   so   many   feelings   he   was   practically   drowning   in   them   day   in   and   day   out,   and   he   wasn’t   sure   how   to   form   words   out   of   the   tsunami   in   his   head.   ❛   you’re   my   better   half.   —   my   best   half.   trust   me   when   i   tell   you   i’m   stupid   fucking   in   love   with   you   back.❜

hawk  was  laughing.  then  their  foreheads  were  touching.  and  eli  repeated  the  words  back  to  him.  and  he  felt  every  weight  he  had  ever  carried  on  his  shoulders  being  lifted.  relief  blossomed  in  his  chest,  and  he  butterflies  fluttered  around  his  stomach.  hawk  was  the  only  person  who  could  make  him  feel  that  way,  and  he  hoped  that  feeling  would  never  stop.  “i  know,”  were  the  only  two  words  he  managed  to  get  out,  breathless  beat  of  a  chuckle  following.  “trust  me.  i  know.”  he  didn’t  think  it  was  possible  to  love  someone  that  much,  with  his  entire  being.  they  were  too  young,  too  dumb.  some  may  argue  that  they  didn’t  even  know  what  love  was.  but  robby  felt  it,  in  every  fiber  of  his  being.  he  didn’t  know  what  was  more  unbelievable,  that  he  had  fallen  in  love  with  the  angry  boy  in  front  of  him,  or  that  hawk  had  fallen  back.  he  just  needed  eli  to  know.

      A   WHOLE   HELL   OF   A   LOT   HAD   CHANGED   IN   THE   COURSE   OF   A   YEAR.      his   last   birthday   he’d   been   starting   to   get   lost   in   the   den   of   vipers   so   to   speak.   he'd   just   ruined   his   friendship   with   demetri,   got   dumped   for   the   first   (but   not   last   —   thanks   robby)   time,   had   stolen   mr.   miyagi’s   metal   of   honor,   and   still   hated   his   now   boyfriend   like   he   was   public   enemy   number   one.   he’d   been   through   a   whole   lot   more   since   then.   his   lowest   lows   and   highest   highs.   and   now,   robby   was   the   most   important   person   in   his   life,   hands   down.   they’d   been   wrapped   up   in   one   another   for   half   a   year   now,   and   hawk   wouldn’t   have   wanted   it   any   other   way.   getting   to   spend   his   birthday   with   robby   was   pretty   much   everything   he   could   have   asked   for.   he   didn’t   even   need   anything   material   from   him.   his   presence   was   more   than   enough.   still,   his   boyfriend’s   gifts   were   pretty   fucking   great.   having   a   skateboard   of   his   own   was   pretty   badass,   though   hawk   told   himself   it   would   be   the   first   of   many   —   determined   as   ever   to   become   a   skateboard   pro   to   match   his   super   scene   boyfriend.   he   was   prepared   to   hide   the   guitar   picks   from   robby,   before   they   needed   to   buy   stock   in   them,   and   the   sheets   got   a   good   laugh   out   of   him   and   an   eyeroll.

      IT   HAD   BEEN   SHAPING   UP   TO   BE   THE   BEST   BIRTHDAY   HE’D   HAD   IN   A   LONG   TIME.      probably   ever,   actually.   it   had   been   a   nice   dinner,   him   and   his   parents   and   his   boyfriend.   his   mom   said   robby   was   part   of   the   family   and   it   had   made   his   heart   beat   double   time.   fitting,   because   robby   felt   like   home   more   than   anything   else   ever   did.   he’d   been   in   the   kitchen,   having   just   set   the   cookies   &   cream   cake   on   the   counter   because   his   mother   knew   him   way   too   well,   when   the   slap   caught   him   off   guard.   a   breath   of   laughter   followed   as   he   leaned   back   against   robby’s   chest,   a   soft   smile   settled   on   his   lips.   he   could   have   stayed   like   that   forever.   ❛   it’s   happier   because   you’re   here.   i   hope   you’re   not   overwhelmed   by   how   much   of   a   party   animal   i   am.   ❜   he   was   sure   any   normal   teenager   would   find   his   lack   of   big   time   celebration   questionable.   he   liked   it   simple   though.   he   froze   though   at   robby’s   words,   and   he   was   pretty   sure   he   actually   stopped   breathing   for   a   second   there.   he   turned   in   his   boyfriend’s   arms,   heart   racing   as   he   met   green   hues,   hand   settling   against   the   side   of   robby’s   face.   ❛   .   .   .   say   it   again.   ❜

it  was  strikingly  obvious,  now  more  than  ever,  how  different  their  lives  had  been.  hawk  dealt  with  his  own  shit,  and  robby  knew  that  better  than  anyone,  but  he  had  the  type  of  upbringing  they  showed  in  movies.  the  nuclear  family.  he  had  a  mother  and  father  who  loved  him  and  loved  each  other  just  as  much.  the only  thing  missing  was  a  dog.  and  despite  their  kind  words  and  how  easily  they  had  welcomed  robby  into  their  home  and  into  their  family,  there  was  still  a  voice  in  the  back  of  his  head  telling  him  that  he  didn’t  belong.  that  he  never  would.  but  he  pushed  those  thoughts  down  and  focused  on  living  in  the  moment.  it  was  his  baby’s  birthday  and  he  wanted  it  to  be  perfect.  that’s  why  he  talked  their  mutual  friends  into  waiting  until  the  weekend  to  celebrate,  he  knew  how  overstimulated  he  could  get.  a  small  friends  only  dinner  party  would  happen  later.  tonight,  he  was  being  selfish.

it  was  the  most  important  day  of  the  year.  robby  realized  that  on  the  first  day  of  the  month.  he  was  more  excited  for  his  baby’s  birthday  than  he  had  ever  been  for  his  own.  those  were  bleak  memories  for  him  that  he  didn’t  want  to  relive.  but  hawk’s  birthday  could  have  been  a  goddamn  national  holiday,  robby  was  so  excited.  he  celebrated  his  baby  every  day,  but  this  was  different.  it  was  special.  he  wanted  it  to  be  special.  so  he  got  him  his  own  skateboard  so  he  didn’t  have  to  borrow  robby’s  anymore.  and  he  got  him  a  knew  pack  of  guitar  pics  since  he  ( robby )  was  always  losing  them.  he  got  teenage  mutant  ninja  turtle  sheets  just  to  fuck  with  him,  and  a  silly  little  karate  kick  phone  stand.

        he  could’ve  bailed.  she  can  be  mad  at  him  for  getting  into  a  fight  &  showing  up  with  that  monster  bruise  on  him  all  she  wants,  but  the  fact  of  the  matter  is  he  could’ve  just  bailed.  he’s  smart,  though  &  there’s  a  strategy  here.  she  would’ve  been  a  hell  of  a  lot  more  upset  if  he’d  stood  her  up.  he  could’ve  dealt  with  a  storm  or  a  drizzle  &  he  chose  the  drizzle.  but  that  still  comes  with  pouted  lips  &  crinkled  forehead.  “  hm.  so  does  a  clown  nose.  ”  being  cute  (  unfairly  cute  )  is  a  decent  attempt  at  trying  to  dig  himself  out  of  a  hole,  but  it’s  still  a  non-answer  &  she’s  not  having  it.  not  when  she  spent  most  of  dinner  moving  the  food  around  on  her  plate  &  glancing  at  it  inbetween  bites.  she  even  had  to  leave  him  alone  with  her  nonna  for  a  good  while  a  couple  of  times  &  if  that  wasn’t  stressful,  she  doesn’t  know  what  is.  it’s  fair  to  say  she’s  not  done  with  the  questions.  “  who  ?  ”

      𝗦𝗢𝗠𝗘𝗧𝗜𝗠𝗘𝗦,   𝗪𝗛𝗘𝗡   𝗛𝗘   𝗧𝗛𝗢𝗨𝗚𝗛𝗧   𝗛𝗔𝗥𝗗   𝗘𝗡𝗢𝗨𝗚𝗛   𝗔𝗕𝗢𝗨𝗧   𝗜𝗧,   𝗠𝗜𝗚𝗨𝗘𝗟   𝗙𝗘𝗟𝗧   𝗟𝗜𝗞𝗘   𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗬   𝗪𝗘𝗥𝗘   𝗖𝗨𝗧   𝗙𝗥𝗢𝗠   𝗧𝗛𝗘   𝗦𝗔𝗠𝗘   𝗖𝗟𝗢𝗧𝗛.      or,   at   the   very   least,   had   been   shaped   into   the   same   product   on   opposite   sides   of   the   never   ending   karate   war   they’d   gotten   themselves   mixed   up   in.   miguel   had   found   solace   in   johnny’s   teachings,   and   from   what   he   could   tell,   robby   had   done   the   same   with   mr.   larusso’s.   𝘣𝘶𝘵   𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺'𝘥   𝘣𝘰𝘵𝘩   𝘥𝘳𝘪𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘥   𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺   𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮   𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳   𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦   𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘴.   he   didn’t   want   to   admit   it,   but   he’d   gotten   a   little   too   wrapped   up   in   the   cobra   kai   way,   and   then   in   what   kreese   was   teaching   them.   he’d   lost   sight   of   what   had   made   karate   so   important   to   begin   with   for   just   one   moment,   and   he’d   paid   the   price   for   it.   he’d   had   plenty   of   time   to   think   over   the   fight   and   everything   that   led   up   to   his   injury,   and   as   much   as   he’d   have   loved   to,   he   realized   he   couldn’t   put   the   blame   solely   on   robby.   miguel   had   fucked   up   too,   and   had   tried   to   fix   it   a   little   too   late.   they   all   had   a   part   in   it.   tory,   sam,   hawk,   demetri.   all   of   them   held   at   least   some   responsibility   for   what   went   down   at   the   school.   unfortunately,   robby   and   miguel   were   the   ones   that   paid   the   highest   prices   for   it.   miguel   could   have   died,   and   was   still   dealing   with   the   emotional   toll   all   of   that   left   on   him.   &   robby   had   gone   to   juvie,   and   lost   a   lot   in   the   process.

      𝗠𝗜𝗚𝗨𝗘𝗟   𝗗𝗜𝗗𝗡'𝗧   𝗣𝗥𝗘𝗧𝗘𝗡𝗗   𝗧𝗢   𝗞𝗡𝗢𝗪   𝗧𝗛𝗘   𝗕𝗢𝗬   𝗦𝗜𝗧𝗧𝗜𝗡𝗚   𝗕𝗘𝗦𝗜𝗗𝗘   𝗛𝗜𝗠.      he   didn’t   know   anything   about   robby   other   than   the   basics   johnny   told   him.   things   that   he   honestly   didn’t   think   he   even   had   a   right   to   know,   but   that   johnny   had   confided   in   him   with   anyway.   he   didn’t   know   how   robby   felt,   or   the   kind   of   things   he   dealt   with.   all   he   knew   was   what   dojo   the   other   boy   was   in   at   any   given   time.   once   upon   a   time,   he’d   have   given   robby   the   benefit   of   the   doubt   and   tried   to   get   to   know   him,   back   when   people   weren’t   judged   entirely   on   who   they   learned   karate   from.   𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴   𝘩𝘢𝘥   𝘨𝘰𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘯   𝘴𝘰   𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥,   𝘢𝘯𝘥   𝘩𝘦   𝘸𝘢𝘴   𝘴𝘰   𝘵𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘥   𝘰𝘧   𝘪𝘵.   he   was   tired   of   feeling   so   angry   and   hopeless   all   the   time.   he   didn’t   want   to   be   looking   back   30+   years   in   the   future,   still   hating   robby   for   things   that   wouldn’t   matter   anymore.   he   threw   a   quick   glance   over   at   his   enemy,   sighing   heavily   before   looking   away   again.   ❛   i   came   all   the   way   here   because   i   thought   it   would   give   me   some   .   .   .   insight,   or   something.   but   i’m   just   as   confused   as   when   i   left,   and   i   don’t   feel   better.   it   sort   of   feels   like   i’m   never   going   to   feel   better.   ❜

he  focused  on  a  coin  sitting  some  feet  away  in  the  parking  lot,  which  was  a  perfect  metaphor  for  the  two  boys  sitting  there.  they  were  two  sides  of  the  same  coin,  but  while  miguel  was  picked  up  by  a  collector  and  shined  to  his  full  potential,  robby  was  dropped  and  forgotten  in  the  parking  lot.  looking  at  miguel  was  a  little  too  much  like  looking  in  a  mirror,  but  instead  of  seeing  himself,  he  saw  every  mistake  he  had  ever  made  that  lead  them  both  to  this  point,  sitting  in  a  motel  parking  lot.  except,  right  now  they  both  felt  like  the  forgotten  coin.  and  he  was  only  just  now  starting  to  realize  that  he  had  been  looking  at  this  through  rose  colored  glasses.  miguel  was  just  as  broken  as  he  was,  and  it  wasn’t  just  his  back.  robby  had  only  gotten  pieces  of  the  story  about  miguel’s  dad,  but  it  wasn’t  his  place  to  ask  questions.  he  couldn’t  tell  if  miguel’s  father  left  or  was  never  in  the  picture,  but  he  was  smart  enough  to  figure  out  that  he  was  somewhere  in  mexico.  but  miguel  wasn’t  with  him,  he  was  with  robby  and  johnny,  and  that  spoke  volumes  to  their  relationship  —  or  lack  of.

      IT   WAS   KIND   OF   BIZARRE,      how   robby   made   everything   feel   lighter   in   every   sense   of   the   word.   there   was   a   normal   feeling   of   doubt   whenever   he   stepped   into   the   the   miyagi-do   dojo,   but   when   he   walked   in   with   robby   that   feeling   wasn’t   there.   hawk   felt   comfort   when   it   was   just   the   two   of   them,   and   he   didn’t   know   if   robby   was   even   aware   that   he   had   that   sort   of   effect   on   him.   he   grinned   at   the   comment,   because   yeah   —   he’d   been   teasing   a   little   bit,   but   he   also   hadn’t   been   lying.   hawk   was   confident   in   his   fighting   skills,   had   worked   and   continued   to   work   so   fucking   hard   to   get   to   where   he   was   at.   not   many   people   could   beat   him   on   the   mat.   but   he   knew   robby   could.   surprisingly,   that   didn’t   make   him   as   angry   as   it   once   had.   ❛   dunno   what   you   mean,   ❜   he   countered,   smiling   into   the   kiss.   he   did   that   around   robby   far   more   than   he   usually   did   too.   his   own   brows   raised,   gaze   questioning.   ❛   you   have   an   idea?   ❜

robby’s  emotions  were  like  a  fucking  never  ending  rollercoaster  of  ups  and  downs.  some  days  were  great,  especially  with  hawk  by  his  side.  but  his  boyfriend  was  right  when  he  said  that  robby  didn’t  like  himself.  he  never  liked  himself.  he  had  hated  himself  for  as  long  as  he  could  remember,  even  more  than  he  thought  he  hated  his  dad.  the  only  thing  he  hated  more  than  himself  was  fucking  cobra  kai,  and  the  emotionless  robot  they  tried  to  turn  him  into.  but  sometimes  he  thought  that  would  be  better,  because  if  he  couldn’t  feel  then  he couldn’t  hurt.  and  it  was  one  of  those  days  when  everything  hurt.  he  was  grumpy  and  he  didn’t  even  know  why.  he  was  trying  not  to  let  it  show,  but  hawk  knew  all  his  tells.  he  couldn’t  even  remember  what  he  said  was  awful,  everything  probably,  but  hawk  always  knew  what  to  say  to  make  him  feel  better.

she  might  be  used  to  his  warmth  more  than  anyone  else,  but  she’s  used  to  his  thorns,  too.  sometimes,  they  poke  outwards.  right  now  they’re  poking  inwards.  more  than  usual  by  the  looks  of  it.  she  can  only  imagine  where  his  mind  is  at  &  she’s  not  a  fan.  he  felt  rigid  to  the  touch  &  she’d  scooched  closer,  hands  slowly  creeping  up  his  back,  kneading  into  his  shoulders,  lower  to  his  shoulder  blades  &  downwards,  pressure  applied  until  his  reactions  tell  her  she’s  doing  something  right.  &  repeat.  her  own  lips  arch  into  a  smile  at  his  words.  “  i’ve  been  giving  my  mom  back  rubs  constantly,  i  think  i’m  getting  the  hang  of  it.  ”  brows  arch  curiously  at  his  question,  smiling  a  little  wider  when  the  answer  to  it  comes.  the  heel  of  her  palm  moves  into  a  circle  as  she  holds  onto  his  shoulder.  “  oh,  i  usually  just  take  cash.  ”  quick  quip  before  she  lets  her  palms  slide  down  the  slightly  more  relaxed  muscles  as  she  leans  over  his  shoulder,  pecking  his  cheek.  “  you  don’t  have  to  return  the  favor.  ”

  is  he  supposed  to  be  looking  at  her  ?  that  feels  a  little  dangerous.  oh  –––  it’s   really  dangerous.  “  oh  my  god  !  ”  first  words  out  of  her  mouth  before  she  gets  up  &  waits  for  him  to  come  back  up.  she  likes  a  good  keene  skateboarding  skills  showcase  as  much  as  the  next  girl,  but  not  if  he’s  gonna  kiss  the  pavement.  definitely  not  what  he  should  be  kissing.  she  grimaces  when  he’s  finally  close,  knowing  the  dread  of  skinned  knees  all  too  well.  perks  of  being  an  active  kid  that  just  couldn’t  stand  still.  not  that  she’s  much  less  energetic  now.  still,  even  with  concern  clearly  plastered  on  her  face,  he  makes  her  smile.  that  was  a  quick  change  of  heart  “  yeah  ?  are  you  sure  you’re  done  toughing  it  out  ?  ”  brow  arched,  she  takes  hold  of  his  wrist  &  looks  at  his  palm.  yikes.  her  other  hand  reaches  inside  her  back  pocket,  behold  a  pack  of  tissues  &  she  reaches  for  his  water  bottle  next.  not  like  they’ve  got  a  sink  nearby.  once  wet  enough,  she  brings  the  tissues  to  his  palm,  gently  cleaning  the  scrape.  “  can’t  believe  i  have  to  deduct  points  for  that  landing  now.  ” 

        a  small  squeal  falls  from  her  lips  as  they  spin,  fingertips  tangled  in  his  hair  by  the  time  she’s  placed  back  down.  kiss  is  borrowed  easily  as  ever.  “  yeaaah,  that’s  a  humongous  lie  &  i  won’t  have  it  in  my  dojo.  ”  she  refuses  to  let  today  be  about  anything  else  other  than  a  reminder  of  how  loved  he  is.  the  tip  of  her  nose  brushes  past  his  cheek  as  she  murmurs  the  answer  to  his  question.  “  i  was  thinking  you  &  me,  cotton  candy,  the  top  of  the  ferris  wheel  —–  sound  enticing  enough  for  ya  ?  ”

“rock   climbing?   we   can   do   that.   we   should   probably   go   to   a   place   to   practice   first.“   but   he   can   do   that   and   hey,   the   money   fits   for   a   few   lessons,   better   be   safe   than   sorry.   though   harry   frowns   at   the   words   that   he   speaks   then.   “god,   that   sounds   like   something   kreese   would   say.   is   he   still   training   you   or   is   this   silver   guy?“   never   met   him.   thinks   his   face   is   familiar   from   a   magazine   or   something   but   all   he   knows   is   that   shannon   had   a   bad   vibe   from   him,   that   was   enough   for   harry   to   dislike   him.   “its   your   birthday.   you   can’t   spend   it   just   training.“