"For you, I wouldn't mind"

Let’s start simple

 1.       Sports season is the best season

 2.       You like singing along to slim shady

 3.       95% of the fluid you consume is mountain dew

 4.       You hate baggy jeans

 5.       You love the color red

 6.       Your dream vehicle is a truck

 7.       Your favorite meal is meatloaf cupcakes and mashed potatoes

 8.       You are obsessed with shoes. If you add up the amount of money you spent buying the shoes on your shoe rack it equals 2 grand. And when you go on a day trip you have to bring two pairs

 9.       You wish your coworkers were less nosy. And you spend most of your time at work thinking and not talking

 10.   You love your mother and your sister. But most of all your daughter. She has your eyes

 11.   There is a section of I-64 that makes you sad, makes you solemn and quiet. Because it took the life of a man who was like your brother. It was when you were telling me this story that I realized I loved you

 12.   You turned me into someone who didn’t care about a criminal record, an ex-wife, or a 13-year age difference

 13.   I packed your stuff into a box. The toy ring. Your t-shirt. The Christmas present I bought but never got to give. Everything.

 14.   The first time I went to get dressed, it took me an hour. Every piece of clothing was associated with you. I wore this when I came to see you that night after bingo. I wore this when I watched you play video games. That was the shirt I wore as I laid in bed and watched you clean your apartment. That was the outfit I wore when I first met your daughter. And this…this was the shirt I was wearing the night we first had sex.

 15.   It’s really hard to pay attention in class when my professor uses love, relationships, and smoking as examples

 16.   You always smell of one-part cigarette to every two parts you

 17.   I want to ask how you are doing. Because I want to know whether or not you are having a good day, but feel like it’s no longer my place to ask. And I want you to ask me how I’m doing. Maybe I’ll read you this list.

 18.   You have a new girlfriend

 19.   I still resent the fact that you haven’t had the decency to change my nickname on messenger from “my girl” when you’re messing around with someone new

 20.   I am not fine. I am hurt beyond anything I’ve felt before. You talked about a future with me then snatched it back. You were the impossible, a one in a million chance and I’m hurt because you don’t get that lucky twice.

 21.   Your eyes are still my favorite shade of blue

 22.   I secretly still hold onto hope that one day it will be us again

When I came back to work it had been three months. I knew I couldn’t avoid you. I just didn’t think it would be on the first day. You looked good, happy, less stressed. I can’t help but connect that last one with me. I wanted to ask how you were. I wanted you to ask how I was.

No, I am not fine

Three months ago, I packed everything of yours into a box. The toy ring you gave me last winter as a joke. Your t-shirt. And a Christmas present I’ll never get the chance to give.

The first time I went to get dressed, it took me an hour. Every piece of clothing was associated with you. I wore this when I came to see you that night after bingo. I wore this when I watched you play video games. That was the shirt I wore as I laid in bed and watched you clean your apartment. That was the outfit I wore when I first met your daughter. And this…this was the shirt I was wearing the night we first had sex.

I threw myself into school and work. But a class where my professor uses sex, relationships, and smoking as examples is hard to sit through. It reminds me of how you always smelled of one-part cigarette to every two parts you.

I cut out social media. I couldn’t bare to look at the nicknames you gave us. To the rest of the world a goat is just an animal. To me GOAT is an acronym standing for “greatest of all time”. I didn’t want to lose this inside joke, and at the same time you didn’t have the decency to change mine. I hope a nerve is hit when you open up that app and come face to face with the words “my girl” with an exclamation mark.

No, I am not fine

I have a memory that can’t be erased. I have two boxes. One taped up and labeled with your name, the other full of clothes I can’t touch. I have a class that I can’t attend. And a phone I can’t unlock.

No, I am not fine

For three months now I have walked around with a shattered heart. The shards flowing through my veins and arteries causing agonizing pain even when I am standing still. I want to scream and claw at my skin until I look as gruesome on the outside as I feel on the inside.

No, I am not fine