will you sink or swim?

The woman of the hour, the lady in pink, the one screaming about what so many women in the scene have been crying about. Scene Queen has brought to the spotlight matters in this scene that so many “fangirls” have been trying to bring up for years. Talking on the issues of predators being alive and well in our scene to the treatment of women. The way the scene has looked down upon women has existed from the day i found my place in the scene, without this scene i wouldn't have gained my own sense of internal misogyny in my early youth and hatred towards women. Without this hatred maybe I would have discovered my queerness at a much earlier age, or maybe I wouldn't still struggle with issues of despising my femininity or large breasts. But a lot of this goes away when I listen to Scene Queen for the first time in a long time I want to wear pink, I want to be a girl, I want to show cleavage, I want to be a woman.    

While titled a love letter, this does feel more like a thank you. Thank you for being the voice and spotlight for many women and gender nonconforming people within this scene that have been ridiculed and pushed to the side since the start of times and who have been trying time and time again to make our own place yet have never been deemed good enough or metal enough or emo enough to be accepted. I hope you keep shaking your ass and wearing those tiny pink wardrobes on stage and I can’t wait to see you come November. And when the Toronto date will come, I will wear any pink I got, in my limited emo wardrobe, proudly and I'll shake my little ass in a pit full of beautiful like minded people who are also, hopefully, pretty in pink. 

September 19th, 2023 - Bad Omens 

By the Toronto date it was already known - Bad Omens crowd just keeps getting into fights. And unfortunately the Toronto date was no exception. This begs the questions - why are we fucking fighting eachother? This community, or what is meant to be a community, is built of metal heads, alternative kids who are already rejected by others so why are we out here rejecting one another? We come to these shows for community, for our deep love for music and moshing and crowd surfing. We come to cry, to laugh, to sweat all together in a big lump of people. I'm obviously no expert, but being in this scene for 10+ years I think I have enough experience to state my opinion on what’s going on. Being a former tumblr girl (and a possibly revamped tumblr girl), I don't want to come out and point fingers at the tiktok girls because I know what that's like. I know what it's like to find a new scene that you love so deeply yet are rejected by it so fast because you’re just a girl, because once again history is repeating itself. When I was about 15 years old and the scene was blowing up on tumblr and I was introduced to it tumblr girls were pushed to the side. People (men) would claim we are only there for the “hot lead singer” and don’t care about the actual music and here the TikTok girls are being claimed for being there only for the good videos and not caring about the actual show, sound familiar? We definitely have a problem with blaming women for anything in this scene which is very upsetting but also very not surprising. 

That being said, this is a metal show and too many people are not aware of this. While I understand that these aren't basement shows anymore with a few hundred people, we still deserve to have fun at these shows and mosh. This is what a lot of us are here for and if we can’t do this at a mental show, where can we? This scene is growing by the day and with that comes bigger venues and bigger crowds meaning it is important that we also make sure everyone feels safe enough to join the mosh pits if they were to want to but also safe enough to be on the side of they would want to. Nevertheless, if you cannot handle these crowds please do not stay in the crowd!! I can guarantee you your video and view is also going to be great from the back. Personally, I enjoyed most of the show from within the crowd, just next to the pit so the crowd was very rowdy but that was what I came for. Towards the end of the show, my friend needed to go to the bathroom so we went to the back, got merch with no line, and enjoyed the view of the whole stage from the back of the crowd and still had a great time for the last few songs. You do not need to be in front of the crowd to have a great view and a great time, please do not forget this. 

We very obviously need to all do better, the TikTok girls and the elder emos, the band is getting sick of this shit and so is everyone else. At this point when shit happens in the crowd they don’t even acknowledge it, they just walk off and let the venue handle and I get it. It's selfish and it's annoying to see this happen time and time again no matter the city or venue. This means create space for people, don’t drop crowd surfers, go to the back if you feel you cannot handle the crowd and PICK PEOPLE UP!  

With this in mind, the show itself was still amazing. Personally I did have an amazing time, I moshed and I screamed my ass off but also took my ass to the back when i needed a break. The visuals that are prepared for each song are absolutely insane. Each telling a story about the song that's to come, setting the vibe for the crowd. You can tell that so much effort and hard work went into every single aspect of every single song and it is a shame that this tour is going to be known as the “fight club”. I do hope to see Bad Omens again in the future, they are a band i've grown deeply in love with but I do hope we learn from this tour to get our shit together.   

P.s 

After a short wait of five months the evening finally came, Jamie and I were in our hotel room getting ready to leave to see the one and only, Sleep Token. I felt in shock the whole day, the day finally came and I wasn’t sure how to process it. 

Sleep Token, a band that has been on repeat since January, a band that has consumed my thoughts, existence and friendships. And there I was, just hours from seeing them, opening night in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. A city for which if I had never seen “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” would have never crossed my mind. Yet there I was in the Holiday Inn in a neighborhood I came to learn was called “Gayborhood”. Thinking about what I would wear? How should I do my makeup? Well I didn't wanna do anything too  heavy on the eyes because I know I would cry a few times and sweat the rest off, and so I didn't. Kept it basic with my black winged eyeliner but a little fun with some glitter on my cheeks (not on my eyes as I learned a night before at The Used that when you sweat the glitter on your eyes will drip down into your eyeball and it's not fun). With my cute green mesh bra and favorite Harley Davidson tank top, I was ready for the show. 

And here I am, stalling about writing about my full show experience, how do I put what I felt in words? How can I make you understand that Saturday night changed me. Being in their presence felt surreal, in a small room with simply 1,000 other people we were all there for one reason, all ready to worship. 

And then the one hour merch line up ended, I got my shirts and we got right into the crowd. Making the obvious choice of being on the left side of the stage near the man I knew I wanted to be screamed at, the one and only III. The time was about 8:50 at this point, while getting merch took a long time, it helped it go by fast. We were standing in the crowd with this eerie music. I don't know what I expected from their pre-show playlist but this was not it. With sounds bringing chills to my whole body and signaling to me that this will not be like any other show, this truly is a gathering to worship the entity of sleep, to worship and thank Vessel for his work and his gospel. And there we all were, Union Transfer sold out and packed to the brim with worshippers and we were ready. As 9 approached we started making bets on when they may actually come on stage. I thought 9.15, my friend said 9.05 but none of them mattered, we just wanted to pass the time. At 9:07 the lights dimmed and the music began, with the eerie chills of chokehold Vessel slowly made his way on to the stage and that was it. The moment I have been waiting for for five months was here and I was there, in its presence.    

While I was very familiar with their live presence from TikTok, I was still so surprised. The way they move, act, perform was like nothing I have ever seen. They are so human yet, they are not. With III on our side guiding the crowd and yelling at us like a child having the time of his life and the seriousness of Vessel it felt like a dream yet so real. The sight of sweat dripping off of Vessel's mask is a reminder of his humanity while his performance makes him feel god like. I was hypnotized by every moment, eyes never leaving the stage with the fear of missing something. Being the first night of the tour meant the anxiety of the unknown setlist,  while we did have a good idea of what songs they would play, Ascensionism took us by surprise. The song we have all been waiting for, one of the greatest songs i have ever heard, a song that sweeps you through all the emotions and genres and here I was experiencing it LIVE for the first time. I don’t know what else I have to say about this song's performance, it was perfect, in every way and no words I will say will bring it justice. 

At the time of the show, whenever the band would leave the stage (which they do it a few times between every few songs for what i'm assuming is to have some water and touch up their black paint) the conversations between what we assumed was Vessel and Sleep were played for us. The adrenaline of the show made it a bit hard to understand exactly what was going on but the feeling was mesmerizing. The feeling of knowing Vessel wanted us to listen to his words, a man who does not speak with the crowd or do any interviews found his own way to communicate with us. And we listened. The crowd was silent trying to understand the distorted voice of the man we are meant to worship and the message he is trying to give us, trying to understand who Vessel was speaking to and what our role in it was. This truly felt liek a ritual to worship. 

The show ended with The Offering, a song I was very much looking forward to knowing that just three words would make me lose my mind, “Take a bite”. Looking back at my videos and hearing me scream I know that it was worth every second of waiting, every dollar put towards it (which other than the flight wasn't that expensive, the show itself cost me only 40$!!!!!). The things I felt during that hour and a half performance, the happiness, the pain, the tears, the sweat were things I haven't felt in a while. The intense moment of it all together, being there with a band that I worship and a friend that I love meant the world to me. 

And then just like that, they walked off stage and "I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me)" by Whitney Houston started playing and for a moment, I forgot that it meant the end. I kept dancing and I kept singing with my friend and the crowd, having the time of my life not realizing this ritual had come to an end. Trying to chant “one more song” to get the crowd going but being informed that they are done and our time has come to leave. Just like that, it ended. A night so deeply embedded in me that I had to sit and write it all down, a night that I feel I need to permanently commemorate on my skin. A night I will keep telling stories on for years to come, the night Sleep Token started their headline US tour in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and played a sold out show on a sold out tour at Union Transfer with the capacity of 1,200 people, and I was one of them.