I hate it when my mom is like "Oh you have no excuse to be tired I wake up at 4am sometimes to do work blah blah" which is like yeah, fair enough, I'd be tired if I did that too BUT I STAY UP TILL 3AM ONLINE MOST NIGHTS AND WAKE UP AT 7AM TO GO WORK AND I CAN'T TELL HER THAT OR SHE'LL TAKE MY PHONE AWAY 😭 💔🥀
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It all started the moment he told me to forget about packing my bag, that he would handle it himself. Just as I suspected, he didn't pack any underwear for me, so I spent these past two weeks completely without a bra or panties. How was it? Good. Reaaaaally good.
The lack of a bra was a absolute blessing, but solely because the dresses he packed were the kind that don't show through or outline my nipples. You can't imagine the heat and discomfort of wearing a bra on hot, humid summer days. Yes, I'm saying goodbye to bras in the summer.
The absence of panties, on the other hand, was neither here nor there. Either I'm already used to it or I just don't see any real benefit to it.
But all of this, while important, isn't the most noticeable part. That hidden secret under my clothes—known only to my owner and me—acted like an enhancer. It was quite common to find my owner looking at me with a devouring expression, staring at my breasts and crotch with a particular fixation. And I absolutely loved it—so many times I had to ask him to stop looking at me like that because it was so obvious to anyone around us who was paying even the slightest attention. So many times his hand would slip under my skirt or reach for my breasts searching for my nipples in public spaces without people around, showing me that he knew how to be discreet and that he was playing those games fully aware of our surroundings. And yes, it was a delight to have him touch me in the street at specific moments... At first, I would push his hand away, wary of this new game he had up his sleeve, but he would whisper in my ear to look around, that we were alone, and remind me that we had already had our public trysts early on in our relationship.
Yes, I like that he gets handsy; yes, I love that he can't control himself given the easy access that comes with not wearing underwear.
I’m afraid of changing, not that I’m satisfied with where I am right now but because if I change I risk altering the differing opinions of people around me. I understand that sounds weird, but I’ve spent my whole life walking on eggshells around people so that they have a good impression of me, to the point that I’d lost the true perception of me. I’ve struggled with trying to figure who I am for so long that I didn’t even know my favorite color until 8th grade, let alone my interests. When people asked me my favorite movies or shows I would always come up a blank. I altered my answers based on the demographic I was around, “oh Outerbanks is my favorite show!” Around “popular” people, “yeah greys anatomy is the best” when next to other people. I thought changing my name would make me feel like me but it didn’t, no matter who I present as it doesn’t feel like me. I’ve always built who I am from the views of other people, so if I were to change I lose that perception of who I am. Because who am I without the opinion of others? Why have I spent most of my years worrying about how I present myself if no one sees me. I’ve learned it’s just better to let others mold me, let them figure what I should do with my life, “yeah play tennis, even though I doubt you would go D1” because does my opinion even matter in my own life if I don’t know who I am. If I change everything in my life risks falling apart, and I'm afraid of letting that stability go.
Lowk bored so I'm gonna continue the LGBT mootie train... but instead of trans, it's the rough story of me realizing I was gender apath!!
I never really felt... strongly about my gender in the way other people would describe it, so I was just really confused for a while. I had a middle school phase where I wanted to be really masculine, then I identified with genderfluid, then bigender. None of them really felt right, but I was going with whatever label seemed to roughly describe whatever the hell my 'gender' was. I had started associating my gender identity with how I would dress (WRONG!!). Especially with bigender; I only used it because I dressed mostly androgynous or fem, so I thought that aligned with me being bigender. A few months ago, when I FINALLY discovered what apa gender was, it's been much better! I finally found a label that fits yay!
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One thing that really does fucking suck major balls about having spent my teenage years fearing shit like awtok is that I STILL get insanely skeeved out seeing white vans & men in suits.
Also the fact that my at the time flock all got calls from the same phone number EXCEPT for the two who lived closest to the area code of said phone number, one of whom dropped off the face of the earth.
Sure may have been a coincidence or someone pulling an elaborate prank, but it was creepy as all hell and still gives me the ick to this day