Goodbyes

this isn’t real and it never will be

If I take it all at face value then it’s love

the first message on a morning and the last on a night

but still a sense of distance

like there’s a shadow over things and you are hiding something inside it

or someone

I’m not stupid I’ve done this dance before

and my gut has always been right.

I could write an epic about all the times I put my trust in someone

not needed, but wanted.

a choice someone makes

all I’ve ever wanted is to be missed

My absence to be feared

While I offer care and love it’s often a one way street

I forget the last time I was wanted

Just for being me

Since I buried that side of me so many times

Under the weight of disappointment

Lust unrefined and unreturned

Twice.

Both times they ignored it.

I guess I am forever friend zoned

It’s always the case and I need all the friends I can get

But it still kinda sucks

Because one day I’ll have to see them meet someone who’s better than me

To them at least

I’ll hate them for being everything I’m not.

Dream of hitting them with my car

I hate that I’m always the one who puts in the effort

They’ll never make the effort because they don’t have to.

So you can cry bitch and moan and wish they’d show you that you mean something

But they won’t, you’re hooked, conquered, they won.

You don’t keep fighting for something once you’ve won.

That they’re mine and holding hands

I’ve never felt appreciated properly

Never been the boy you brag about

But I still miss the feeling of a hand in mine

The security of being with someone

Knowing that I am their only thought at 3 am

Their first message in the morning

Their last lazy dream before they sleep

I want to belong to someone who belongs to me

Is it too much to ask?

Laying in bed talking all night, about nothing

Sitting across from each other and smiling

I miss closeness. I miss being cared about.

I miss not being ashamed to care.

I miss not being able to tell someone they’re beautiful

Without having to feel apologetic

Because I may have crossed a line.

Nothing feels real anymore.

Or lost in waves of words; blind.

Praying to be chapter and verse,

While the whole time I held you up like you were perfect

I’ll never forget you pushing me away because I needed your help

Telling me you weren’t responsible for my health.

It’s been a year since I even heard your voice as more than an old recording

But it still echoes in every dream louder and louder resounding

I try to ignore it for it calls out all my greatest flaws

And reminds me that somehow I’ll always be yours

I believed persistence and care led to love

Led to feeling secure and respected

Made for closer bonds and stronger connections

They just led me to dead ends

I am always too willing to give too much of myself

Without realising it’s never wanted.

Too eager to be the rock to lean on

But never the hand to hold.

I will want you and make sure you know

Respectfully.

And without it being returned in the hope you’ll fall for my care.

But everyone just takes and takes.

And treats me like the fool I am.

You say my voice soothes your mind.

But you can’t even talk to me.

I’m not even sure I’ll ever hear you say my name

Or be your first choice.

So I’m just a fool who likes to think

He means more than he ever will.

But I’m second class and second place

To any guy who sluts himself up.

My care is less important

Than a close up of a cock.

Respectfully.

Fuck you.

Treat me like I’m something you’re scared to lose.

Make some effort.

Mirror mine.

Let me know I mean something more than what you stood in.

I might be what you need

But I need to be what you want.

This isn’t a one way street

Even though I’ve let it get that way.

I will break myself to break your fall

Do not get ahead of yourself

Cherish the sudden glimpses of affection

To those whose words don’t match their actions

Who will lean on you until you need it too

and it’s clear they never intended to follow through

So take your words and keep your secrets