i hope you're doing well. i wonder what you are doing nowadays, if you're still in the same job, if you finished studying, if you're going out to gigs, if you're doing art, how you're feeling, how your family are, how Kit and Gecko are, if you found meds that helped, if you've found new games and movies and music you enjoy. i hope you're coping in the heat because i am NOT a fan loool
my friends keep talking to me about wanting to become mothers and i just can't relate. i like children but that level of responsibility is terrifying to me, and also i think i would hate making them go to school and do homework and all the domestic side that comes with it. then my long term guy friend dropped a bomb on me the other day telling me that he likes me and i am v confused about it bc i know that he wants children and i think i've made it pretty clear before that i do not. i don't feel that way about him either, he's a v nice person and i feel bad though :(
i don't think the emotional centre in my brain works right at all. i can't seem to feel things normally. the solar eclipse yesterday everyone was talking about this sense of awe and being emotional and i was like ?? i feel nothing lol. i feel like i feel sonder intensely and i get really depressed seeing others depressed and i can't be ok knowing others aren't ok. i keep starting trying to do animal rights activism and not getting far with it
i'm buying my own place bc i want to have space to take in rescue animals. i can't get excited about it though. i have ideas about how to decorate but i just feel tired lol. i'm always so scared of my parents passing BC they're in their 70s; they had me so late in life. my dad had cancer treatment earlier this year. it looks like it's gone but i am scared of it coming back. other people seem to cope somehow with grief but i know it'll be horrific for me because i feel things so much
i've been trying to get rtms on the NHS but it's so hard. I did get a referral with a Ketamine clinic for treatment resistant depression and I did the assessment but I'm scared to go ahead with it BC of the potential of panic as a side effect and any long term unknowns. I looked at psychobilin (that's definitely spelt wrong) retreats abroad as well but I'm scared of that for the same reason lol. I have some new meds to try but I'm not hopeful
the guy who did my assessment told me to read Yalom who is an existential psychiatrist but I don't have the ability to read any more lol. I'm trying to get a month off work in October to try to get off the internet and try to get my concentration span back. idk if i will manage a month of no internet but that is the aim lol. i'm going to try to listen to audiobooks
