COMPLETE | FOCUS

Time had become fluent to me, recently. It felt like only yesterday that I had sporadically decided to sell my home, give up part control of my business, forego my worldly possessions, and travel the world with my camera to be my only friend. The trek lasted for two years—I traveled throughout the west and through the south before I navigated the East coast and maneuvered through the Midwest to end up back in Los Angeles. I would have just ended the journey there if not for my thirst for more worldly knowledge; traveling the country was an amazing journey of discovering new places and revisiting familiar ones. However, I wanted to go farther.

So, I did; I started with backpacking through Europe first and then in Asia where I embraced my modern fixation with Japan and South Korea, then attempted to take on the Russian winters. My more rugged and soul-searching parts of my journey was when I ended up in India and finished off my travels in Africa. I visited villages and met with families who allowed me into their homes and told me their stories of strength and struggle, of poverty and pride. I slept on floors, in trees, and on mountainsides; I visited tombs of Egyptian royalty, I watched the stars with wolves, and I marveled at the technological advancement of my spiritual siblings. It was two years of pure bliss that making money or breaking records could not give me. It was the search for self that I had needed a long, long time ago.

Aside from the occasional phone call with Marcus, I didn’t really communicate with anybody during my travels. I took the time to truly be in my own space and figure out how to live a life without the pains of my past. When I returned to America, I decided not to return home to Los Angeles, but to take root in New York City. I got an apartment in Brooklyn, and once I settled into my new home, I began to recall my journey in the form of a book. 250 pages of narrative and photos—I named it, K, an Unfinished Portfolio. Why? Because it was an unfinished story. I knew that somewhere down the line, I’d travel back to the places I went to and go even farther. Australia had yet to see me, and I wanted to go to South America, too. There were so many places that remained, and I wanted to see them all.

I suppose that over the years, I had learned to calm the rage that sat within me. The loneliness of my journey forced me to look at myself and what I had allowed myself to become. I had to untwist the wires within me and figure out how to be a better person for myself and for those around me. When I had returned to America, I got back on track with forming a relationship with my family. My father and I are better now than we were before—a comfortable space has been made, and we appreciate it for what it is. He and his wife separated due to ‘irreconcilable differences’ and although I try not to hold grudges anymore, I can’t say I’m too sad about their break-up. Despite them not being together, Nicolette still made effort to have a relationship with me, and we’ve grown closer than ever. I talk to my brothers as well, and I’m the proud uncle of a wonderful niece and nephew...two, if you count the son my youngest brother just had. My dad and mom are on speaking terms as well, so although it’s no cookie-cutter situation, all is well in the family area.

I still talk often with Marcus, but the distance between us is always felt. I miss my brother, but I’ve made plenty of friends in New York—seeing that the city is so cultured and rooted in art, I had gained a nice circuit of photographers that I have grown close to over the years. They had helped me get some connections, and I was able to open a second photography studio in Manhattan. So now, I was a proud franchiser. Sapphire Photography Studios now had a bit more bang for its buck and now that I had this book published, money was still coming in although I wasn’t working as much anymore. I still wasn’t a man who needed to be seen often and now, my name seemed to be seldom heard as well; despite that, I didn’t mind. I felt that I had made my mark and did the things I was supposed to do while I was in my prime. Shit, I’m getting older—I can take a break every now and again.

So far, everything has been decent. My family’s okay, my money’s still good, and I’m still doing the work I’ve loved forever. Now, the only thing that was missing from my life is in my hotel room while I’m on this Las Vegas vacation.

When Marcus asked me to come to L.A. to come see him, I was encountered by the last two things I expected to be encountered by—Sade Winters, and the news that Marcus was getting married to Naomi. The last time Marcus and I talked about Naomi, he had told me they were on speaking terms again. I assumed that it would happen, mostly because of how close they were to one another in the past. In no way I could have guessed that they were engaged or even dating but apparently, they didn’t tell anyone up until they wanted to tell me and Sade.

And then there was the subject of Sade herself; seeing her in the flesh was a punch to my emotional gut. A good chuck of nostalgia hit me and I wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing. She even looked like how I remember her most, with long flowing curls and those eyes that still shook the marrow of my bones. She had aged a bit as most people do, but to me, she was timeless. I tried my hardest to be casual and not make things awkward, because I knew that we had left each other on a bad note. I was in a dark place and she did what she had to do to not allow me to drown her in that darkness. I thought that I’d never see her again after that, honestly; she had blocked me out of her life both literally and figuratively, so I found ways to live my life without the woman I thought I was going to marry. Now, she was back in my space. Again, I wondered if she felt this same helplessness as when I first reappeared in her life so long ago after our initial split. Little did she know, she was in complete control of how this would go. I felt unworthy of taking the helm here.

However, I couldn’t help myself. We delved into conversation on the way to Vegas, and I could feel her skepticism. It’s not like I could blame her, though; she dealt with my mess just like I dealt with hers for a long stint of time, and the last time we talked we were in two different places. I refused to think she could move past her transgressions then. She probably felt the same at that moment. But I promised myself that when the day came to face her again, I would show her that everything was okay. I’m okay. I’m not angry about those things anymore. The feelings that stirred inside me, the same feelings that kept me restless as I laid next to her the night before weren’t from a place of anger. It was an awkwardness I was trying to avoid: the same awkwardness that smacked me dead in the face when I woke out of my sleep.

I felt like I fucked up. All the pep talks that I had with myself seemed to go out the window when I saw her again, and the feeling seemed to bubble in subterranean parts of my conscience. Maybe I should have been more careful about being around a woman that seemed to unlock something in me that was as twisted and cruel as it was beautiful—I underestimated the power of my own heart, and now I couldn’t stop thinking about it: about her.

Naomi ordered a breakfast spread for everyone to indulge in for breakfast, and the silent agreement between Sade and I was intact; we avoided discussing the morning’s events and tried out best not to give off the awkwardness between us. That was more than fine with me.

The day’s plans were simple—all-day respective Bachelor and Bachelorette outings, then we’d all meet back at the hotel at 5:30. Sade and I would help the bride and groom get ready, then I was responsible for getting the bride and her Maid of Honor to the chapel safely. Despite how unorthodox Marcus and Naomi’s circumstances were, they wanted something that was close to being old-fashioned and traditional. I appreciated the sentiment, but I also had a chance to just spend the day with my best friend. We spent most of the day at Adventuredome, but there was another good chunk driving outside the city with nothing but a load of snacks, some weed, a rap playlist and conversations about the past and the future. It was a cross between chasing pure adrenaline and mellowing out.

We soon headed back to the hotel once it was time to, and the girls were already in the suite when we entered. Sade had Naomi in her room already, so I quickly got in to get my suit and other things before I went to take a shower in the bathroom. Once I was somewhat decent, I headed into Naomi and Marcus’s room, seeing Marc getting himself together.

“You good, man? Need any help?” I asked as I closed the door behind me. He shook his head before he stood up, dusting off his slacks.

“Nah, I think I got everything,” He ran a hand over his head, which was now looking a bit softer. Must have used some of his hair stuff. “Are they dressed yet, or what?” He asked.

“Not yet; Sade’s still getting their makeup and hair together,” I had only seen a glimpse of the action before I was promptly put out. “I’m sure Naomi’s gonna look great, though. She’s already beautiful, and they’re both fashion heads. Ain’t no way they’re gonna look anything less than amazing,” I assured him, and he chuckled softly before he shook his head.

“Oh, I’m sure she’s gonna be perfect,” He mumbled as I buttoned up my shirt, tucking it into my pants. “Kenneth...I wanted to thank you,” I looked up at him, noticing that he was putting on his cufflinks. “We literally been friends since birth, you know? There’s a lot of people who have come and gone out of my life, but you’ve always been there. Even through your situations and even when we’re apart, you find a way to make time for me. Now, you’re my Best Man. I know this shit is super sappy, but...you know, I appreciate it. You really are like a brother to me,” We finally made eye contact, and I smiled to push away the emotions that were trying to come out of me. That shit was touching. I wasn’t blind to what kind of person Marcus could be—super responsible to the point that he barely makes room for his own feelings. In the past, I more than likely took advantage of that. Now, I just tried to be what I could for him, as much as I could. He deserved that from me.

“Hey man...you are my brother, remember? We’re twins,” I laughed softly. “Plus, we crossed those sands together and made that bond official. There’s no way I could let that go,” I made my way over to Marcus, dapping him up before we shared a hug. “I love you, man.”

“I love you, too,” Marcus patted my back before we parted ways, and I grabbed my suit jacket off the bed before sliding it on. I grabbed my cufflinks off the dresser before fastening them on, the comfortable silence lingering in the air. I found myself really starting to think again about how far things had gone in my life. Nothing had gone the way it was supposed to go but honestly, I feel like this was how it was supposed to happen. Still, I wondered what type of man I’d be if things went a little differently, or even if things just kept going how they previously were. “Kenneth?” I glanced back at Marcus, who was now fastening his tie. “You good, man? You got quiet over there,” He cut his eyes in my direction.

I shook my head quickly, trying to maintain some normalcy. “I’m fine. I’m just thinking,” That was half-true.

As I looked up at the mirror to give myself one last survey, I could still feel Marcus’s eyes on me. “Kenneth. Look at me,” I raised my eyebrows before I looked over at Marcus, suddenly feeling the intensity of his glare. “You know, there’s something you need to do. And you need to do it while we’re here,” He said.

“What’re you talking about?”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about. You might not get another chance—do it tonight.”

Marcus’s words sent instant chills to my spine. Maybe it was him reading me like he always did and trying to give me advice about the problem that had been silently looming over my head since this morning. No matter what the circumstance was, he was right on the money as usual. There was no time better than now to do what I needed to do. It was the one thing Marcus and I often talked about: the things I would express to Sade if or when I ever saw her again. Considering that we both now lived on two different ends of the world, it was alarmingly clear that I didn’t have but one chance to finally put my wild feelings to rest. We would be leaving Las Vegas in the morning, and I probably would lose contact with Sade for the last time after that. I had no choice but to do it tonight.

Once Marcus was completely together, he left ahead of the rest of us to go to the chapel. Meanwhile, I stayed behind with the girls while they got ready. I was finished getting ready myself, so I waited in the living room, busying myself with the TV and my phone until I heard the click of heels against the wooden floor of the common area.  I glanced up and was in awe of the two women before me—I knew Naomi was going to clean house with her wedding look, but I was absolutely floored by how ethereal she looked in her white sundress. The Grecian style of the piece turned out to be perfect for her figure, and the gold accents in the dress nicely matched her gold and white jewelry accessories, along with the sparkling gold stiletto open-toed heels. Of course, it was Sade that completely stopped me in my tracks. Her silky gold cocktail dress matched Naomi’s accessories—I assumed that Naomi bought her dress, just as Marcus bought me the gold-accented handkerchief and cufflinks—and her matching sparking heels made her look like she was about to hit The Strip for a night on the town. Of course, the white pearl necklace and studs added a bit of a sophisticated flair that only she could pull off. The natural yet dramatic make-up they both had on their faces brought out their natural beauty and if my reaction counted for anything, Marcus would be so happy when he saw Naomi walking down that aisle.

“Wow,” I stood up before I shook my head. “Yeah, Marcus is gonna lose his shit,” I chuckled as Naomi gave me a cheesy smile. “You look beautiful.  Both of you do,” I complimented.

“Thank you, thank you. But let’s head on out before we’re late,” Naomi smoothed out her dress before we all headed out of the room and down the hallway towards the elevator. “Sade, you got the wedding bands?” She asked.

“Mhm,” Sade waved the elongated ring box in her hand—I assumed it held the two wedding bands for the occasion.

“Hey, Naomi?” I cleared my throat once we reached the elevator, and she glanced back at me with a questioning stare. “I was wondering. Since your dad isn’t here...maybe I could walk you down the aisle?” It was something that I thought about since they announced their wedding. I didn’t get to know Naomi until well after her father had passed, but I felt that most women would want their father at their wedding. “I know I can’t be the same as your dad, but I feel like somebody gotta give you away,” I tried not to make things too emotional, but I couldn’t lie...I was deep in my fucking feelings right about now.

“Kenneth,” She sighed before she approached me to give me a hug. “That’s so sweet. And I think it’s perfect. Thank you,” I wrapped my arms around her, squeezing her gently as the doors opened to the elevator. She hurried onto the elevator, and I noticed the small smile Sade sent my way as we entered behind her. I think it was a good idea.

Eventually, we got to the chapel and the short ceremony was full of sentiments and emotional moments between the happy couple. I felt proud watching Marcus take on the penultimate seal of commitment with a woman he truly loved and valued, and it felt even better to know that it was exactly what they both wanted. It was a full circle thing for Naomi and I, me walking her down the aisle. It was kind of like a seal of approval for her future husband’s best friend to give her away, and I also felt that I didn’t want her to walk that walk alone. I’m sure her father was in the universe, just happy to see his daughter giving love a shot, and allowing herself to be happy. It was a moment of liberation rather than a union—they were both living the freedom they gained with one another, and I think that’s the sign of a long-lasting marriage.

After the ceremony, we had a ‘reception’ by going out for dinner at Lobster ME, then we took on the nightlife of The Strip, going to Drai’s and every club in between, somehow ending up at Treasures by the end of the night. Dancing, drinking, talking shit, telling jokes, people watching, taking pictures—it all felt like before. We were happier, we were healthier, and we were together. I didn’t drink as much as I used to, but it was more than enough to find myself childishly giddy by the time we headed back to the hotel. The only one who wasn’t drunk was Sade; she said she stopped drinking alcohol about two years back.

“You know what the best part is about these rooms?” Marcus chuckled as we walked inside the suite, Naomi hanging on his arm as he led her to their bedroom. “The walls,” He knocked at the wall twice. “They’re soundproof!” He cackled, and so did I.

“Wow,” Sade chuckled softly as she shook her head. “Goodnight, nasties!” The last thing we heard was Naomi giggling before the door shut behind them. I followed Sade into our room, shutting the door behind us before I saw her flop into the chair by the table. “Whew. What a night, hm?” She chuckled as she leaned down to unstrap her heels.

“Hell yeah. I’m gonna feel this shit in the morning,” I mumbled as I sank into the seat across from her. I noticed that she was rubbing at her feet, and I tapped her shoulder before gesturing to my lap. Her quizzical look caused me to realize how vague my movements were. “Gimmie your feet,” I requested, and she obliged, seemingly too tired to argue me down. I slowly began to knead my fingers against her flesh, watching her begin to relax.

“Mm... Thank you,” She whispered as she sank into her seat, closing her eyes slowly. “I’m so happy for those two. I’ve never seen Naomi smile so much,” Her soft chuckle caused me to smile.

“Yeah. They deserve it, though. It’s been a long time coming for them,” I said, just watching Sade as she rested in the chair. I continued to rub her feet, making sure that I wasn’t applying too much pressure to them. I had to figure out how to come out and talk about what I wanted to talk about, but I felt like here and now wasn’t doing it for me. I needed somewhere that felt right... “Hey, you think there’s access to the roof here?” I asked.

One of her eyes opened, and then her brows furrowed together slowly. “You’re being a delinquent again, Davenport,” She warned, and I chuckled before shaking my head.

“Come on. I just wanna go for a little bit. Plus, what if these walls aren’t soundproof for real? You sure you wanna hear all that?” I nodded my head towards the wall where our bed rested against—more than likely, Mr. and Mrs. Sinclair were about to get it in and probably for a while.

I watched Sade consider the facts, and she sucked her teeth before she slowly moved her feet out of my lap. “Let’s go,” She said, and I got up to grab our key cards while she slipped on a pair of flats.

The top of the building was higher than I anticipated—we could see the entire Las Vegas Strip and the areas beyond it from here. Squinting hard enough would earn us a view that spanned miles and miles. It was a cool evening but at this altitude, the wind was a bit more present than it would be nearer the ground. Either way, it just seemed like a good place to be. I glanced back at Sade as she placed a stray rock by the door, using it as a door stop to keep it open. She turned to me before she chuckled, taking some steps forward as she crossed her arms over her chest. “It’s beautiful up here, weirdly enough,” She said before she looked up at the sky.

“Yeah,” I glanced up and noticed some of the stars twinkling amongst the abysmal canvas. I shifted my gaze away from the sky to see the woman next to me, the wind flowing through the few curls that escaped her once elegant up-do. “Kinda reminds you...of back in the day,” I broke her concentration, and she looked back at me with a small laugh.

“It does. Except we’re not full on greasy ass pizza and cheap liquor,” She laughed softly, and we grew quiet again before our smiles faded. I looked away from her, and my fear began to set in again. I couldn’t hold this off anymore. It was now or never.

I cleared my throat before I looked back down at her. “I think there are things we need to put out on the table before we walk away from each other again,” I began.

“I agree,” She conceded, and I found myself surprised at her answer. She had every right to just walk away right now, but maybe she had things on her mind that she wanted to express.

“Sade, I—...”

“Let me go first,” She held up her hands, and I instantly silenced myself. I’d get my turn. “Kenneth, I’ve spent the last five years trying to forget you, to keep it honest,” That hurt. But I wasn’t surprised. “We walked away from each other on a bad note and because of that, I just wanted that part of my life to end. I wanted the way it made me feel to stop. I was convinced that you’d always hate me and hold resentment and because of that, nothing we did to try to be civil would work. I needed time to forgive myself for the things I had done, so I left and kept you and your memory as far away from me as possible.  I just wanted to forget. I wanted to let you go,” I watched her eyes begin to shimmer and my stomach sank as tears quickly snuck out of her eyes and dripped down her cheeks. “When I saw you the other night, I grew so nervous thinking that you’d still hold that animosity towards me. That’s why I was so shocked about how you changed...your behavior, your aura...everything is different, now. So, I feel like I can say this to you, and you’ll receive it properly,” I sighed as I watched her wipe her tears away. She slowly slipped her hands into mine; we were equally trembling. I squeezed her hands gently, keeping my eyes on her.

“Kenneth, I apologize to you for what I’ve put you through. I not only apologize for what I did, but I apologize for how it affected you. I was in a dark place and I felt like I wasn’t in control of my life at the time—the only thing I felt like I could control was how I made you feel. I watched you become a shining star in your own right and instead of nurturing that shine, I did whatever I could to dim it. I had outside influences such as alcohol but in the end, the final decisions I made were mine. I wish every day that I made better decisions and that I supported you better than I did. I could have been a better girlfriend to you in every side of the concept, and I apologize for not stepping up to the plate,” I was floored by everything she was saying. I didn’t need this apology to know that Sade was a very different woman than the one who kicked me out of her apartment five years back, or even the woman who broke-up with me at an even earlier date. I knew she was remorseful, and I knew she had changed. “I’m sorry for not nurturing your heart and aiding in making it harder. I wish I could take it all back...but I can’t. All I can do is pray that you are healing and that you can understand that it wasn’t because I didn’t love you. I loved you, even within my grossest actions. I was just lost in my own despair, and misery loves company,” She sighed as she let go of one of my hands to wipe the tears from her eyes.

I stayed silent for a moment as I watched her attempt to reestablish her composure. Every word she said came from the deepest parts of her heart, but something struck me hard. I was just lost in my own despair, and misery loves company. Somehow, Sade and I became the same cruel person, just in different ways. It was obvious, now that I look back upon it. Regardless of it, I was completely within my emotions because of the words her heart was willing to share with mine. It left me speechless, but not for long. I had nothing to lose, so I had to get it out.

“I forgive you,” I said, and I watched as she looked at me, tears still brimming in her eyes. “I’ve forgiven you some years back, because I realize you were not the sole culprit in our situation. Which brings me to my own apology—I’m sorry for enabling you and continuing the cycle of pain in our relationship. All the times I could have just left you and forced you to see your mistakes, I didn’t. All the times I could have chosen to take the high road, I didn’t. I was so focused on revenge and vindication instead of actually trying to help you or even save myself,” I sighed as I clasped my hands together in front of me. “My dad leaving me and my mama messed me up more than I thought it did. I’ve been doing a load of soul searching, therapy, and everything else I could to get to the bottom of it all. I felt abandoned by him, and when we started having problems, I felt like you had abandoned me, too. So, I did all the things to you I thought I’d never get to do to him. I fueled my actions with the malice I couldn’t unleash on him. I was punishing you for all the things he had done to me, and I’m so sorry for that, Sade. You deserved better than that. You deserved real rehabilitation and tough love with actual love within it. But as you said, misery loves company,” I sighed. “But I also want to thank you.”

“Why?”

“Because you kicking me out of your apartment was the best thing you’ve ever done for me.”

I slid my hands into my pockets before I looked out at the sprawling view before us, shaking my head with a small smile. “I learned so much because you forced me to let you go. I had finally admitted defeat, at least to myself. I couldn’t have you anymore, so I had no choice but to look inside myself and face who I had become,” I looked back at Sade, who was crying again. “I’ve gained so much because I let that anger go. I got my father back in my life and gained a whole family that came with him. On top of that, I finally feel free of those demons. I feel so happy...but there’s one thing I haven’t been able to settle. And I’m gonna settle it tonight,” I sighed softly before I looked down at my loafers. It’s now or never, Kenneth. You may not be the shark you were before, but you still have the fire in you. You can do this. “Sade...I love you. I have always loved you, and I will never stop loving you,” The words didn’t feel like they were coming from me—maybe from elsewhere, at another point in time. But I kept talking. I had to get it all out. “You’ve always meant the world to me, and I think you are the most amazing person I have ever had the honor of calling mine. That was so much of my conflict back then. Despite everything you did, despite everything I felt...I loved you. I hated you, but I loved you. I felt ashamed of it. It drove me crazy to know that even with all that malice, I loved you so much,” I laughed as the image of her before me began to blur. Sucker. Can’t even get it all out without becoming a mess. “But I just know it’s because I just wanted to be with you. I wanted to be happy with you, but I was placing too much responsibility on you. I expected you to make me happy and whole, when that was my own job from the jump. I felt like I couldn’t live without you, and that was unhealthy,” I laughed some more, tears now running down my face. I felt that old insanity swirling all around me, but I didn’t want to get lost in that.

“I’m sorry for not realizing it sooner, Sade. But I’m happier—I know you can’t tell right now, but God, I’ve never felt better,” I sighed softly. “I want to walk alongside you in that happiness. I can’t let this shit go, no matter how hard I try. I think about you all the time. I pray for you, and wonder if you’re happy. I talk to God about you and I ask Him to give me signs on if my heart is rooted in the right place. You keep coming back to me in my mind. You come to me in my dreams,” I was sobbing now. Fucking sucker. “I wanna spend every day of my life with you in my reach. I still wanna be your husband, I still wanna give you my kids—fuck, we can adopt if we’re too old for that. I’ll buy you a fucking puppy if you want it; it doesn’t matter. Whatever you need from me that will nourish you, if I can make it so, then it will be. I... I tried, but I can’t stop this feeling. I love you...God, I love you. But I can’t make you want me, and that’s what I’ve come to accept,” I felt her hands on my cheeks as she wiped my tears, and I sighed loudly as I looked down at her. “This isn’t me begging you to come back to me. This is me telling you that my heart will always be waiting for yours to return to it. If you want to come back, the door is open. But if you don’t, I’ll have to deal with that because I can’t replace you. I’ve tried. I tried moving on, dating around—it didn’t work. Nothing works but you. Nobody understands me or allows me to be my most comfortable self in the way that you do. If you don’t come back, then it is what it is. But I didn’t want us to go back to our lives without you knowing how much you are loved and cherished. I needed you to know this. I know I can live life without you, and I know you can live without me. But we don’t have to, not if you don’t want to. I damn sure would rather have you here with me,” The silence between us engulfed the entirety of the rooftop, and I watched her wipe her face as she sniffed.

“You had a lot to say,” She mumbled.

“I did,” I looked down at the concrete.

“Do you feel better?”

“Yes. Finally.”

I wasn’t lying; the heavy weight that had been lingering over my conscience for the almost fifteen years now had finally been completely vanquished. If this had been any other time, my confession would have been a last-ditch attempt to get back what I felt was mine. However, I was now in complete understanding that we were not property of one another—if there was a God, or some other worldly force that watched over us all, it was what truly owned us. I was certain that the God I had come to know would bring us to a happy union, if we were meant for it. If not, then I would be content with living my life as I had been for the last couple of years. I no longer needed Sade to function or feel like I had accomplished something, so walking away from her without a reciprocation for my feelings was okay. I just wanted her to know how I felt, and how much she would always be loved. She deserved to hear it, after so many years of feeling like she didn’t deserve it. I needed to forgive her and apologize for the hand in our ending that was bigger than any of us thought it was.

“Kenneth...thank you,” She finally said, and I nodded slowly. I felt like this was all we both needed.

“You ready to go back down?” I asked, and took her hand into mine once she nodded. Leading her towards the door that led back inside, I allowed her in first before I walked inside, shutting the door behind us.

“Alright, that’s a wrap!”

The studio was larger than the one in California—clay red brick made up most of the walls, while one wall consisted of infinity-style windows that brought in the natural New York sunlight, along with a view of some of the buildings that sat among mine. This was only the top floor, while the bottom floor consisted of more studio space, dressing rooms, the waiting area, and a small lounge with an operating cafeteria. To say I stepped my shit up was an understatement. Sapphire Photo Studios’ Los Angeles location would always be my first baby, but my Lower Manhattan location was a nice spot that I had grown proud of maintaining.

Today was a typical photoshoot—I now had a permanent partnership with Elite Model Management, so I often did portfolios of their roster, along with the usual clientele I was presented with. Professionally, it felt as if I hadn’t missed a beat since I took my trek around the world. Speaking of, the book seemed to have been doing well—I guess people really do love a good autobiography, or at least, that’s what they were calling it now. To me, it really was just a bunch of thoughts written out. Thoughts of my father and my family, my identity, my love life, and trying to find myself in the storm that was myself. I suppose it went over well because it was the most candid I had ever been. I had the pleasure of being able to pick and choose what to talk about simply because I hadn’t given the public much to go on in the past. I wasn’t looking to suddenly be the tell-all celebrity everyone craved, but it was nice to let people see a little more of me. Made me feel more human.

“Alright...let’s see,” I bent in front of my laptop as my model came to stand next to me, glancing over the photos that loaded from my SD card. “Which ones?”

“These,” She pointed, and I selected the ones she wanted before I sent them to her electronically, printing them out as well so she would have a hard copy. “Thank you so much, Kenneth. These are perfect,” She grinned, and I nodded as I handed her the printed photos.

“You’re very welcome. Hope to see you again,” I nodded as she left, and I yawned a bit as I grabbed my things, placing them into my bag.

My phone vibrated in my pocket—I knew who it was, so I ended up answering the call without looking. “Deniece,” I greeted.

“How’d you know it was me?” She chuckled, and I smiled softly as I walked through the studio, waving goodbye to the rest of the staff.

“You call me the same time every day,” I said before I exited the building, already feeling the spring warmth overtake my body. “What’s the word?” I asked.

“Well, I just hired this new photographer. He’s a new kid out of Compton and has a pretty big internet following. I see promise in him,” She explained, and I nodded slowly as I moved with the crowd of people who walked the sidewalk.

“I’m down for that. Everything else is good?” I asked.

“Mhm. You know your goddaughter has been asking about you,” Deniece’s daughter Jodie was a spitting image of the woman, down to the attitude. I think Ramon was just a passive participant in the birth, seeing as his name was all that he shared with the little girl. Although I was fortunate enough to see the couple get married, I had missed out on their child’s birth; despite that, Deniece insisted that I’d be her godfather. It seemed like between the rambunctious 4-year-old, my niece, and my nephews, I was constantly in the role of ‘uncle.’

“I miss my girl! Tell her I’ll be back in L.A. soon. Or, you guys should finally come to New York so I can show you around the city,” I said, stopping at the crosswalk.

Once the sign indicated that I could cross, I made my way across the street as I eyed the different stores and shops that were within my view. I mentally made note of what I wanted for dinner when I passed an Asian-American fusion restaurant. “Well, Jo is old enough to travel, so maybe we will! She’s not the only one who misses her best buddy. Plus, we need to link up to talk over work,” There was a crash in the background, then I heard some laughing mixed with some yelling. “Jesus. And I need a vacation,” Deniece and I began to laugh.

“I’m sure you do. But come on down—I miss you, too. And we do need to link up, because I just came up with a business plan that will get us a third location down in Miami,” I said. “Either Miami or Atlanta; I haven’t decided, yet.”

“You still a businessman even after all this time,” Deniece chuckled.

I smiled a bit as I glanced towards the sky, noting the pink and orange hues of the sky. “That’ll never change, I suppose,” I yawned a bit. “But I’m about to go find something to eat and head home. I’ll talk to you,” I said.

“Gotcha. Be safe out there,” She finished before I hung up.

The trek from Manhattan to my apartment in the Bedford Stuyvesant area wasn’t an easy one; I will say that getting from place to place in L.A. wasn’t nearly as complicated, but it made me learn my surroundings. Despite that, I led a pretty routine life now—worked four days a week and was off for three and when I did come home from work, I either went home to cook or picked up a meal from somewhere. Then I did a little work at home then relaxed before dozing off to do it all again. At a glance it sounds mundane, but I had somehow gotten used to preferring a quiet and simple schedule. Aside from some of the industry events I got invited to or the outings I had with friends, I just worked or did things at my own leisure. Tonight’s plans would be no different; I was in the mood for Chinese food but not in the mood to cook, so I picked up a house friend rice and 8-piece wing from Lucky House, and stopped at a corner store for an Ar-I-Zona green tea.

Once I entered my apartment, I sat my food on the bar counter before I slid off my jacket, sitting it on the coat rack before I decided to take a shower first. After showering and attempting to moisturize my hair, I got dressed in some lounging clothes and returned to the kitchen to make my plate—I’d probably only eat half of massive amount of rice I was given, and half of the wings to go with it. I sat down in front of my TV and turned it on as background noise, halfway listening to the news as I ate my food. After dinner, I decided to just watch a movie since I didn’t have any extra work to do; my Blu-Ray collection was slowly growing from the years I had spent finally collecting movies to pass the time. The question now was whether I’d watch a documentary or indulge in an action flick.

I heard a knock on the door. The decision would have to wait.

I glanced at the door, raising my eyebrow in suspense—I wasn’t aware if anyone was supposed to visit me today, so I assumed it was somebody that wanted to sell me something. I rose from the couch before slowly advancing towards the door. “Who?” I called out. No answer. Who the hell was playing at my door? I walked over towards the door and peered into the peephole, and—

Shit.

I opened the door swiftly and was met with the very last person I expected to be in front of my doorstep. Again. “S-Sade...” I couldn’t even hide how dismantled I was by her appearance.

It had been a month and a half since I laid out everything I felt within for this woman—the last time I saw her was when she and The Newlywed Sinclair’s had saw me off at LAX. I know that Marcus mentioned something about her possibly staying in the United States to live, but I hadn’t heard from her since Naomi and Marcus got married. I assumed that maybe what I offered wasn’t wha she wanted, and I was okay with that. Maybe that’s why I was so baffled and shaken by her being here now. What puzzled me even more was the tears that seemed to be falling from her eyes—her eyes were reddened, meaning that she had been crying for some time.

We stood there in silence as she gazed up at me, and I watched her with curiosity as she sniffed, wiping her cheeks furiously. “Hi...Marc gave me your address,” She explained how she got here first.

“That’s fine. Do you wanna come in?” I moved out of the doorway once she nodded, and I closed the door behind us once she was fully inside. I watched as she sat her jacket upon the coat rack, and I took a deep breath; the room suddenly smelled of perfume. I watched as she stood in the ‘foyer’ of my apartment, her body language speaking of uncertainty; I said nothing due to my own case of being unsure. I was happy to see her, but I wasn’t happy to see her crying. I wanted to ask her what was wrong, but I didn’t want to pry. However, the silence was starting to make me uncomfortable. “Do you want to take a seat? Or maybe you’d like some food—I have some Chinese, if you want it.”

“No,” She sighed before she turned to face me. “I only came to ask you something,” I raised my eyebrows slowly. It’s got to be important if this couldn’t have been done by phone.

“Okay, what is it?”

“Did you mean it?”

I furrowed my eyebrows together. “Mean what?”

“When you said you loved me—when you said you would always love me. Did you mean that?” Her perfectly arched brows seemed to knit as she looked me over.

I nodded briefly before I clasped my hands in front of me. “I meant that,” I was confident in my answer because it was the truth. “I love you,” I said, and I watched as she looked away from me. My eyes casted downward towards my sock-clad feet and the wood beneath them.

We grew silent again, and suddenly I heard her sob; when I glanced up at her, she seemed to just be in a supremely emotional state. I began to approach her, but was surprised by her meeting me halfway—she embraced me for the first time in a long time, and the warmth I used to feel from her touch came back with a vengeance. I just held her as close as I could, instantly remembering the ways I tried to calm her jittery nerves back in the day. So, my fingers trailed her spine and I buried my face within the softness of her hair. She instantly pressed her body to mine, and I sighed in content. I felt like that little boy again; I still could remember being 19 and just intrigued by the woman before me. It felt like so many lives ago but those feelings still felt fresh in my conscience. I didn’t want to force that upon her, but this moment was something I would cherish just in case it would never return to me.

“I love you,” She mumbled, and I now found myself being the one that was choked up. I didn’t really know what to expect when I opened the door and saw her there, but maybe the tears were her coming to terms with what she felt. “I love you so much, Kenneth,” Her voice was clearer and airier in tone, wavered only by her tearful emotions.

“I love you, too,” I mumbled, and she held me tighter.

We stood there for a moment until she finally pulled away from me, and I watched as she wiped away what looked to be the last of her tears. She chuckled a bit before she looked down at the ground, and I watched the shameless blush that crossed her face. “I’m sorry...for all this. I had so much more to say, but I just started thinking about even coming here, and I lost it,” She looked back up at me, and I bit my lip softly as I felt heat rush to my own face.

“It’s alright. We’ve got time to talk about it,” I paused. “...Do we have time to talk about it?”

She nodded slowly before she messed with the ends of her hair, a classic sign of her nerves. “We do, sort of. I still haven’t decided whether I’m staying or going...that’s another thing I came to discuss with you,” I tilted my head as I looked her over.

“So, what? Do you need me to help you decide?” I didn’t want her to leave. I would respect whatever she chose, but I truly wanted her to stay. Even if it meant her being in Los Angeles and me being in New York, I’d take that.

“No. You’re gonna decide for me,” She rummaged through the shoulder bag she wore, before she took out a blue velvet ring box. I watched as she opened it, gazing at the two platinum rings that sat inside. One was a thinner band while the other was thicker, but both held a single cut diamond.

I gulped down a wad of air before I glanced back at the woman, and I almost wanted to laugh out of pure nervousness. “...Engagement rings, huh?”

“One for you and me. That’s if you want to do that,” I rubbed my face as I started to laugh, and I heard Sade suck her teeth softly. “Stop! I figured since you proposed the first time, it was my turn to do it next,” I looked back at her, and now she was smiling. She looked like an angel, reddened eyes and all. “So... What’s it gonna be, Davenport? Will you marry me?”

I felt warmth strike all over me—it was like a buzzing energy from the crown of my head down to the soles of my feet. Maybe from the outside looking in, none of this made any sense to anyone. Sade and I had been through Hell and back to get to this moment, and despite every emotional roller coaster that her and my demons had sent me into, she was still the girl I loved.  She was still the girl I spent so many memories with and although my motives as to why I wanted her by my side had changed, my hopes that she and I would be united again never did. Now here we were, finally within the same wavelength again. It took us so long, but the result was beyond priceless.

“You know I will,” I grinned, and she couldn’t get to me fast enough. I laughed as she threw her arms around me, her lips tickling my face as she showered me with kisses. My stomach tightened with nerves when her lips finally met my own, and I instantly gave her whatever passion I could muster. I was getting another chance to get this right. We both were, and I could tell that this time would be different. Sure, there’d be challenges and low times to deal with, but I think that we now had the tools to combat them like adults and press forward with a love that was made for us.

You know, I’m glad that Kenneth mustered up the courage to allow himself an opportunity to not only meet with his sister but also his father. Despite the anger, disappointment, and detached demeanor he wanted to have about all of it, harboring ill feelings towards his siblings that had absolutely nothing to do with the hurt his father inflicted upon he and his mother would have left him with regret later on in life. It was necessary for him to reach out to them not only because he needed to began a process of healing, but also because he needed to know that he has people out there in the world who love, think about, and will be there for him if he should need them. The same thing can be said for his father, though his step-mother is ignorant and absolutely selfish. He needed to vent to him and tell him everything that was on his chest. He needed to insult him because it all had been bottled up. He needed to release those tears and allow himself to grieve what he felt was the loss of a father. No matter how harsh it was, every single bit of it was necessary for himself. Mr. Davernport needed a mentally healthier Kenneth anyway, if he wanted even a small bit of a relationship with him later on down the line. I’m proud of Kenneth for that and despite whatever happened between his parents, I know his mother would be proud too. 

This was definitely the 'break' that Kenneth needed. He had been spending so much of his life trying to be the shark in the water but deep down, he was really broken and he needed to get those feelings out to the right person. It was good on him to finally let his father know the truth instead of trying to simply push him away. Given, he didn't have to accept Christian's apology, but I feel like Kenneth being able to vent was a version of forgiving himself for how far he's slipped into dark patterns.

As far as the conversation with he and Sade, it was necessary. While I do understand his side of the story and what she put him through, it was very clear that he wanted her to pay for it all. He did want to see her suffer, whether it be at the hands of him giving her mixed signals because he could, the scolding of their mutual friends for having allow him to be vilified for all of those years, the disconnect with her own parents, and most of all, her own personal struggle with coming to terms with what she had done. He wanted to be able to be cool with her but then take whatever jabs at her he felt compelled to whenever the moment called for it. He wanted the power to be able to make her smile at a certain time and cry at the drop of a dime. He wanted to be able to make her day and then ruin it if his emotions called for it. Though his disappointment in her choosing to walk away from him came from a place of many different emotions, it was necessary because they would have been on that same toxic roller coaster for God knows how long. They needed for the separation so they could learn who they are again and most of all, so they could understand what it’s like to exist without depending on one another to be there. 

Kenneth's previous treatment of Sade is really just one huge cycle of hurt. Because he couldn't sort out his feelings with his father, Ken would take it out on whoever he wanted, whenever he wanted. Sade just happened to be the candidate that fit the scenario - he obviously loved her, but his abandonment issues and victim complex seemed to overshadow that love. Sade was changing, but he wasn't. Once she realized that, Sade did what she had to do not just for herself, but for Kenneth as well.

Sade’s choice to move away and branch out into the world on her own was perfect. It allowed her career to blossom and her entire being overall. It allowed her to become the woman I’m sure she dreamed of being but didn’t quite know how to get there yet. For Kenneth, him leaving exploring the world while doing some soul searching was perfect as well. It allowed him to step out of his element and simply just…be. He gained wisdom, perspective, and a refreshed understanding what who he is, what his purpose is, and what he needs out of life. This is why he’s no longer focused on the temporary, grooming himself to conform to societal standards, or living for work and materialistic possessions. Not to say that he wasn’t humbled before, but he is far more now than he ever was then. He’s open, vulnerable, and yet filled with strength. He’s refined and free of the pain that had been weighing him down. 

Their going their seperate ways and traveling abroad was good for the both of them. It was a chance to grow and learn how to live without one another or one another's influence. Sade was forcing herself to stand alone and depend on herself. Meanwhile, Kenneth took the time to slow down and realize what the important things were in his life. Clearly they are both in better head spaces, especially Kenneth. He's dropped all the layers that were something like walls to hide his emotions. Now he's in control of his emotions and it makes him easier to get along with. Not only that, he's more in power than he ever imagined he was.

Their coming together for Marc and Naomi’s wedding (which I knew would happen, because despite their nonsense, the love showed more than the disappointment and hostility) is interesting. Though five years has passed, I didn’t expect for Sade to completely rid herself of everything that he was and is to her. I didn’t expect for the love to suddenly fade away with time because the man taught her how to love despite what that love caused them to turn into. She met him as a young college student. They grew up together in adulthood. They learned from one another over all of those years. They experienced some of the greatest and worst moments together. They were together trying to figure out life and how to navigate through it. It’s extremely difficult to no longer love a person who makes that kind of a impact on your life, so no, she didn’t fail. There was nothing to fail. The challenge wasn’t for her to leave and go fall out of love with Kenneth. She simply needed to go and grow as a woman. That’s exactly what she did. Now, despite said happiness with what she’s done within these last five years, it’s time for Sade to figure out how to attain what may or may be the missing pieces to her complete version of happiness. The same can be said for Kenneth.

Thanks for the greatness!

Five Years Later

It had been a while now since I had made the decision to bring life into my modeling career, and it had been a slippery slope into fame, fortune, and all the madness in between. I had set out to make a path for women like me, who wanted to come into the fashion industry despite their age. Not only that, I wanted to truly follow my dreams and make something of a life that I thought had ended. Somehow, I had surpassed my expectations and began to spread myself to other avenues. My career had led me to clothing partnerships with Puma and Manolo Blahnik, music video cameos, talk show appearances, small movie roles, and even my own make-up line in partnership with Sephora. But what I loved most was being able to give back to the community. I had been keeping in touch with people back home, contributing to the advancement of education in Los Angeles, along with the successful development and encouragement of girls and young women. People spoke my name with reverence and admiration, even in what seemed like such a short time. I felt accomplished, and I was proud of how far I had come. And I could do it all while maintaining a very private life.

Living in Paris had been everything I dreamed it would be plus more. Sure, it wasn’t all that different from living at home but for me, it was always an adventure. I had pretty much traveled the entirety of the city, and had made sure to experience everything I could. I’d take train rides to other parts of France, and experienced even more things I didn’t think I would have ever thought of doing when I was younger. Being able to wake up in the morning to the bells of Notre Dame made me feel like a child, and being able to stroll the streets at night while the Eiffel Tower glittered was magical. Aside from that, living on my own had turned out to be highly beneficial for me. I was scared at first, but not having anyone to lean on strengthened me and forced me to lean on my own conscience and taught me to trust myself and the decisions I wanted to make. I felt like I had more confidence in myself, and a tighter grip on myself and the reality I was in. I now trusted my instincts, my judgement, and my intuition. I felt stronger, because I knew now that I could stand on my own and prosper.

The best thing about being out in the world for a while and getting my alone time, was the fact that I was given time to reestablish and strengthen my relationship with God. As a child of a religious family that was heavily involved in the church, spirituality was a concept I found myself attracted to for most of my life. Unlike most kids who felt like they were being force fed the word of God, I had learned to apply it to my life and really digest the concept of being close to God instead of relying on the words of people and their interpretation of who God was and what He wanted for his people. As I got deep into my drama with Kenneth, I found myself feeling as if God was shying away from me. I was ashamed of the things he and I did to one another and I felt that God could never want someone like me in His space. However, allowing myself to cleanse my mind made me want to get back to my spiritual roots. Sometimes I went to Notre Dame for their services but for the most part, I read the Bible on my own and just tried to find ways to speak to God in my own way. With time, I no longer felt like my prayers were going unanswered—when I spoke to God, I finally felt as if He spoke back. By no mean do I think I am or ever will be as religious as my parents or their fellow churchgoers, but I felt closer to God and that’s what mattered most to me.

As much as being abroad seemed to help me sharpen myself, I was missing home like crazy. Being away from my friends and family was hard, especially when I came home for the holidays and had to go back or when I couldn’t make something due to work. That was one thing I wasn’t used to: missing out on family. However, the time apart made me really value everyone I had in my life. Mom and I had kept in touch as I had promised, and she was totally happy about that. Meanwhile, my father and I were finally in a good place again. It took him a while to come around but once he did, we did what we had to do and made leaps towards a better connection. I found myself growing better friends with Marcus and Naomi, which I didn’t think was possible—they both had been doing their own self-discovery while I was away, which was helping us all stay close despite the distance. I kept up with my therapy—through video chats, mostly—and stayed true to everything I knew I would need to keep me grounded. I initially left so that I could get space from the people I loved, but honestly, the distance made us closer.

Although it seemed as if I had just left Los Angeles, I was now back in the city for a little while. My visas had just expired, and I’d be in town for the next month while my management revised my work visa. In the meantime, I was going to have to decide whether I wanted to become a French citizen, or whether I’d return to America and end my overseas pilgrimage.  It was a long journey back to my home country; 12-hour flights are not pretty, and there’s a reason why I set most of them to go by night. I got to have diner, watch a movie, and get some semblance of rest before I got back on solid ground. Either way, I usually ended up feeling wrung out at the end of my international trips. I would think that after doing this for what seems like forever now, the routines of TSA checks, layovers, and ear popping would be something that I’d be used to. I still didn’t, but I suppose it comes with the life that had been bestowed upon me.

I decided to stay at my parents’ house for the night, at least—I decided to rent out a penthouse condo for the month, simply because I’ve gotten used to living alone. However, I wanted to see them and spend the day with them; when I touched down I was welcomed by my father and the bear hug he said he had waiting for me. He drove us home and mom had cooked a huge breakfast with all my favorite things. After that we ended up just talking and laughing for hours until I finally succumbed to jet lag. Now, it was getting later in the evening and although I wanted to go to church with them for their usual Wednesday evening activities, they insisted I stayed home to rest and relax after a long trip. That was the plan: me, a hero sub, a 90s black slice-of-life flick, and a long date with the den couch. At least, that was the plan until I heard the knock at the door. I went to answer it and well—

“Oh my god, Naomi!” We squealed before she threw her arms around me, hugging me tightly as we rocked from side to side. I couldn’t even front, I had missed my best friend. The phone calls and video chats were more than fine, but nothing compared to having her in the flesh. “How are you? How the fuck did you know I was home?” I laughed.

“Well, your mom actually called to let me know, so I thought I’d come say hi,” She grinned, smoothing out her snugly-fitting jeans. She looked amazing. It wasn’t that she didn’t usually look good, but she seemed like she was glowing this time around. “Can I come in for a second? It’s starting to drizzle out here,” She glanced back at the darkening sky, that now looked even darker due to the impending rain.

“Sure, of course,” I moved out of the way to let her in before closing the door. “Come on, I’m in the den,” I lead her towards the informal living room before I take a seat, crossing my legs into the couch.

Naomi plopped down next to me before taking a deep breath. “Finally,” She slipped off her heels and sighed before she looked over at me, her tired expression breaking into a bright smile. “So! Tell me how everything’s been. France been treating you well?”

“Shit, has it,” I chuckled. “It seems like there’s something new for me to look for every day. It’s beautiful there, and I’ve really gotten to notice it now that I can actually just slow down and not worry about having to eventually catch a flight back home,” I sighed softly. “Everything’s been great there, honestly. But there’s no place like home,” I nodded.

“I hear you. I just got back from a small vacation down in Houston; it’s a nce place and all, but I prefer being at home now that I’m an old woman,” Naomi had just turned 36, and although it wasn’t showing in her looks, I understood where she was coming from. Out of all my friends, she was the one who really had the ‘picture perfect’ run of her Twenties—she traveled and did everything she wanted to do while she was still young. I couldn’t blame her for becoming somewhat of a homebody now. “You know, I meant to tell you how proud I am of you. Like, seeing you do everything you set out to do truly does something for me. I don’t say it enough, but you’re doing amazing,” It touched my heart to hear that from her. Naomi had always been supportive of me and whatever I wanted to do so despite her words not being surprising, it was still nice to hear that from her.

“Thanks, Nae. I mean it—honestly, if it wasn’t for you convincing me along with everyone else, I would have never had the courage to do it,” I still remember everyone telling me how I belonged in front of the camera, and how afraid I was. Now, I couldn’t even fathom being too scared to do anything. It was empowering, but to know I had so much support meant so much more. “How about you? What’s been going on in your world?”

“Well, I’m back in school,” She announced, and I furrowed my eyebrows. “I have a degree in Education, but let’s be honest; I’m not gonna do shit with that degree. Hell, I only got the degree because I knew my father would have wanted me to, and it was a failsafe just in case my modeling didn’t go anywhere,” I remember how much Naomi’s dad used to tell her that her grades were important—all of our parents drilled it into our heads that college was something we needed to strive for. “But, to be realistic, I’ve had a long modeling career, and it’s coming to an end. I need something to fall back on that I would enjoy doing. So, I’m going back to school—once I get another Bachelors, I’m going to law school,” I curiously stared at my best friend as she plainly laid out her plan. “Once I get my license to be a lawyer, I’m retiring from modeling and going into the ‘normal people’ world...well, sort of,” She shrugged.

“Well shit,” I mumbled. “What made you wanna do that?” I asked, and she smiled.

“I wanna be a divorce lawyer. I figured I should at least be a lawyer that helps the greater good, right?” She joked, our laughter soon filling the room. She shook her head slowly as she clasped her hands together. “But nah, I’m probably gonna go into family law: you know, cases with children and stuff. Because you know, remember when we talked about how one day we’d wake up and be 40?” She asked, and I nodded. I still remember that conversation, and it really kept things in perspective for me over the years. “Well, this is me just taking advantage of that. Plus, I meant what I said—I haven’t been doing any sugar baby shit since we talked about it, and I have no plans on going back. So, I decided I’m gonna do this lawyer shit until I can at least get ten years in, invest and flip all my money, then bam—retirement. I’ll be set,” She smiled.

“Same old Naomi. Always thinking about how to secure the bag,” I smirked.

“Hey, you know me!” She chuckled. “But hey, I was supposed to meet up with Marcus tonight down at In-N-Out for a bite to eat—you wanna come? I’m sure he’d love to see you,” Wait, what?

“You guys are talking again?” I asked.

“Yeah, we’re good,” She said, and I raised an eyebrow in curiosity...also in a bit of skepticism. “We are, I promise. It’s a long story, though. We can talk about it another time, but do you wanna come?”

“Of course,” I nodded. “What time?” I asked, and she placed a finger up as she pulled out her phone.

“Uh...8, he said. We’re gonna meet at the one in Beverly Hills,” She seemed to be reading over a text message. “Yup, so you can just roll up and meet us there. I gotta go home and get out of these clothes, so I’ll see you then.”

Naomi stood up, and we shared a hug before she let herself out of the house. I got up with my sandwich to go lock the door, then I wrapped up my food before putting it in the fridge. I figured that I needed some rest before I decided to head out for the evening. I wasn’t sure how long Marc and Naomi would want to be out but if it was going to be like old times, I needed some rest beforehand. I couldn’t just run on fumes like I used to.

I woke up at about 6, and decided on a cute but casual outfit that would be versatile for whatever we decided to do as a group. After the usual hygiene and primping, I was out the door and heading for the In-N-Out. I can’t even remember the last time I had a hamburger; usually when I came home it was on holiday, so I usually just ate at home since my mom would end up cooking enough food to feed a battalion. I was excited about having a cheat day from my usual eating habits and eating something greasy and terrible for me with the people I considered my brother and sister. It almost felt like old times...but better. That’s what it was. Better times, for all of us.

When I arrived at the restaurant, it was filled with people as usual, and I decided to get in line to order my food before I even thought about stressing myself out about looking for my friends. I knew exactly what I was going to get: The Double-Double combo, animal style all over, and a chocolate milkshake. I was going to want to kick my ass when I had to pay for this in my exercise training, but I was more worried about indulging, rather than calories and such.

“Miss Sade, is that you?”

I glanced over my shoulder, grinning wide when Marcus’s smiling face came into view. He granted me with a warm hug, squeezing me firmly before letting me go. “It’s so good to see you! Where are you and Naomi sitting?” I asked.

“Outside, just come see us when you get your food,” He said, and I nodded before glancing back at the moderately moving line.

Once I got my food, I grabbed some napkins from the dispenser and slowly made my way outside, dodging the crowds of people that seemed to notice me and stop me every so often for photos and autographs. It really forced me to put things into perspective. While I was able—mostly able, anyway—to get away with being out and about in Paris, America would always be a different story. There was always someone with a camera, someone wanting an autograph or something that they could report back to social media with. I didn’t mind, because I liked interacting with others, but it made me realize just how much my life had changed. I used to be able to somewhat navigate alone, but the fact that I didn’t draw too much attention or fanfare to myself helped a bit. Just a small bit, though, because I wasn’t exempt from the attention completely. Still, it took me out of my tunnel vision and made me see how much things had not only changed, but stay the same. In-N-Out still looked, felt, and even smelled the same. On the way there, I saw the familiar yet unfamiliar buildings, the rolling waves of the beaches, and that Californian sunshine that seemed to gleam in a way that I couldn’t experience anywhere else. This was home for me.

When I stepped outside, I finally got to the table where Marcus and Naomi were chattering and eating their respective meals. They broke conversation to give out hugs and cheek kisses, and I was all smiles by the time I sat down. “Wow, feels so good to be back home,” I said.

“It’s good to see you home! It’s nice to see you on magazines and everything, but niggas be missing you out here,” Marc said with a small chuckle, running a hand over his head.

“Aw, you missed me! Sap,” I joked, causing Naomi to laugh softly as she shook her head.

“Super sap,” She agreed.

“Shut up,” He smirked a bit before he popped a fry into his mouth. “So, how long you here this time? A day or two?”

“A month,” I explained. “Until my visa’s renewed. But hey, I might stay for good, who knows? I’ll have to see how I feel about it,” I used my fork to eat some of my fries. “But what about you, Mr. Sinclair? I know this girl’s over here trying to be a lawyer, but what you got going on?” I asked.

“Me? Oh, well I just opened two new hair stores down in Houston. I actually just got back from doing those grand opening events. I’m now at sixty locations across the U.S.,” He announced, and I raised my hands before clapping lightly. I guess that’s why Naomi was in Houston, too; she went to support Marcus’s new hair care stores. I remember him inviting me, but I was already planning to come back and I didn’t see the economic sense in doing back and forth trips. “And not only that, I’ve successfully come up with a proper skin cream for acne control and daily cleansing,” He raised an eyebrow.

“Oh! So, we’re doing skincare now! I see you!” I laughed before I ate some more of my—

Suddenly, I stopped chewing.

My nostrils slightly flared at the sudden abundance of fruity aromas that filled the air. French apple and royal pineapple seemed to linger and it brought a familiar moisture that filled my mouth. Birch and patchouli became the second note and my stomach sank slightly at me recognizing the cologne. Creed by Aventus was one of the most alluring scents my senses could embrace, and there was only a select few that wore the scent... This feels weird, and oddly fucking familiar.

“Yo, my nigga, what’s up?” Marcus’s tone changed to an octave of joy even higher than the one before, and I damn near wanted to slide under the table. I thought I wouldn’t still feel this way after over a decade, but I still feel it. I feel it now, more than I ever had before.

I slowly looked up, and was met with the shock of my life—not because of who it was, but because of how he looked. I knew it was Kenneth Davenport; I mean, who else would it be at a time like this? However, he looked nothing like the man that I once knew. What used to be short and lined-up hair was now a wild mess of dreads that sprouted out of his head. His once neat goatee was now a full-on beard that seemed maintained yet completely unkempt all at once. The man was dressed simply in a t-shirt and jeans; the only ‘stylish’ or ‘trendy’ thing worn on one of the most dapper men I had come across was the pair of sneakers on his feet, and even those looked to be a simple retro pair of Nike shoes that he had. I was completely dumbfounded. It was Kenneth, but it wasn’t Kenneth. At least, he wasn’t the man I knew. He had undergone a change, clearly. I watched quietly as he embraced Marcus, almost as if the two hadn’t seen each other in some time. That came as a bit of a surprise, considering that they were as thick as thieves at once point. He embraced Naomi as well, even giving her a small peck on the cheek. Exactly what changed while I was gone?

“Sade...hey,” When Kenneth finally addressed me, I found it in me to look him straight in the eyes—something I could never do for too long in the past. I noticed another change: his eyes. He used to hold such an intense and often intimidating gaze, even when he was at his most docile. However, now he seemed to be at a completely different level of...calm. He seemed so calm. “It’s been a while. How are you?”

“I’m well,” I said, nodding as he moved to take a seat in the last available seat at the table, where his food sat—he had gotten the same thing as me, aside from the strawberry milkshake he decided to get. I see his appetite didn’t change much.

“First off, congrats on the book, my man. I wish I could have made it to the signing,” Marcus said, and I quietly ate some of my food as I glanced over at Ken with some curiosity. He wrote a book? I purposefully kind of avoided anything that would expose me to his existence for a while, so I was completely in the dark about where he had been or what he had been doing for the last five years. Considering how we left off with one another though, hearing he wrote a book didn’t incite me to celebrate.

“Thank you, thank you. But I heard you out here keeping folks from being nappy,” Ken smirked, and I let out a small laugh as I shook my head. “Doing the Lord’s work!” He grinned.

“You say that, yet your hair is just...” Marcus slowly shook his head, and Kenneth’s playful roll of his eyes only added to the lighthearted vibe.

“I said out here. Didn’t say a thing about my neck of the woods,” He argued. ‘His neck of the woods?’ Did that mean he wasn’t living in the city anymore?

“You still a dick after all this time, old man?” Naomi cut her eyes at Kenneth, who only could continue to smile.

“Who? Me? Never, Nomi,” He promised.

“I told you about that name,” She chuckled as she pointed at him. “But guys...we called you both here on purpose, because I wanted to ask you two something,” She began, and I raised an eyebrow as I leaned against the table.

“And that would be, what exactly?” I asked.

“Well...I was thinking, we could all go on a road trip,” Naomi bit her lip softly.

“Okay? You could have asked this by phone,” Kenneth chimed in.

“Not really,” Marcus said. “Listen, uh...Naomi and I are getting married, and—...”

“What?!” Kenneth and I both spoke at the same time before our voices just began to overlap on top of one another. “When was this? What are you talking about? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Wait, wait, hold on!” Naomi held her hands up defensively. “Now look, please don’t take this the wrong way. We didn’t tell you because we didn’t tell anyone; you’re the first two we’ve told, as a matter of fact. No one knows we’re even dating right now...or, engaged, in this case,” She sighed.

“Okay but I’m still confused,” Kenneth leaned back from the table as he spoke. “I know the last time I called Marcus, he said you guys were talking again. I assumed that meant you guys were rebuilding a friendship—we skipped a few steps here,” His complaint and curiosity was the same as mine.

“After about six months of not talking, Naomi and I reconnected and just fell back into a friendship,” Marcus began to explain. “It just built from there, and with us now knowing everything we could know about where we stood with one another...falling in love was easy for us to do. Then, we realized that we really do want to spend our lives together,” I noticed how nervous Marcus seemed to be divulging this to us; Naomi was even holding his hand and rubbing his arm, trying to support his stance. “And you guys know how my parents are; I love them to death, but they can be so overbearing. They’re questioning when I’m getting married, when I’m having kids, all of that. So, we decided that we don’t want a big ceremony or any fanfare—just a small ceremony with our best friends,” He gestured to Kenneth and I, and I slowly placed a hand against my chest.

“Wow,” I sighed softly before I looked down at my food. This was so much to digest; I probably should have seen this coming but after everything the two had been through, I assumed Naomi and Marcus would have just cut their losses with one another and separated. As happy as I was for them, what they were asking of Kenneth and I was...a lot, for a lot of reasons.

“I’m down,” Kenneth said, and I glanced over at him curiously. “If that’ll make you guys happy, then I’m cool with it. I don’t mind a road trip, either. It can be like back in college...maybe not as wild, but hey. Plus, I don’t think the four of us ever traveled together before. It was usually always me, Marcus, and Sade,” He explained. “So, count me in. You know I’m not missing out on being your Best Man, Marc.”

“Sade...?” I looked back at Naomi, who had this concerned expression on her face. “I don’t want to force anything on you, but you know I’d love for you to come with us,” I knew why she said that and why she said it in such a way. A part of me wanted to back out; it was the part of me that was sadly still kind of stuck in the past. I wasn’t sure if I could handle being around Kenneth for too long, or if he could handle being around me. I didn’t want to fight with him or make things awkward. I didn’t want this to be about us or the memory of us. However, I didn’t want to miss my best friend’s wedding over some issue that is dead and buried. I would have to swallow my pride and try to find a way to navigate the situation properly.

“I’m in,” I said, and she grinned.

“Really?” Naomi clapped her hands together before slightly leaning back in her seat. “Great! Guys, I appreciate this more than you know. Okay, so here’s the plan—we eat, go home and pack for two days, and then we meet at Marcus’s place to head out.”

And that’s exactly what we ended up doing. By the time I got home, my parents were already home from church so I could tell them to their faces that I’d be gone with my friends for a two-day trip. After packing what I needed and changing into proper traveling clothes, I made the trek to Marcus’s place. I was still apprehensive about going on a trip with Kenneth being involved. This was all a culture shock—I had spent five years doing my own thing and not even considering him, and now here he was back in my space in what felt like a blin of an eye. I didn’t feel the same negative feelings that I did when he first popped up back in my life, but it was still awkward. All I could think about was the last time that we talked, and the chaos that led to me pushing him away for what I thought would be forever. I didn’t fear for my life, but I knew that this was a man who could hold a grudge like nobody’s business. It wouldn’t be long before he brought up the ugliness of our past and make it hard to be around him. I didn’t want to be brought back into the fray, nor did I want him to ruin so many years of progress.

Once everyone got to Marc’s house, we put our bags in the trunk of his SUV and we were off towards Las Vegas—what better way to have a ‘small ceremony’ by doing it at the famous Little White Chapel? Also, it was the City of Sin, and we were once the four biggest demons in the West—it would certainly be a great time. So far, the trip had been mostly mellow; while the happy couple sat in the front seat, fiddling with road trip playlists on Naomi’s phone and conversing about the impending wedding, Kenneth and I were in the back seat together, silent and keeping our attention in our phones. I didn’t mind the silence...it wasn’t as if I even knew how to start to talk to this man after all this time.

“So...” I glanced up and noticed that Kenneth’s eyes were on me. “The modeling thing. You finally made it,” He kept his voice quiet: loud enough for my ears, but not loud enough to interrupt the front seat ‘party.’

I found myself wrapping a strand of hair around my finger, nodding slowly as I tried not to stumble upon my words. “Yeah, I suppose so. It’s been crazy, but I’m doing it,” I smiled.

“That’s good; it’s where you belonged from the start. I’m proud of you,” That sounded genuine...it felt weird to hear him say it, though. “You don’t live in L.A. anymore?” He asked.

“Nah. I’ve been living in Paris for about five years now,” He raised his eyebrows slowly before he smiled.

“Oh, shit, for real? That’s dope,” He scooted around to face me. “I bet that’s been fun for you, especially since that’s a fashion city,” This felt weird. Not in a bad way...just...foreign. Like I wasn’t talking to Kenneth. But I was.

“You wrote a book,” I decided to change the subject.

“I did. I wrote it while I was traveling the world for a couple years. Then I settled down in New York to get it together and published—apparently, it’s selling well, so I guess people like it,” He shrugged a bit before rubbing his hands together. So, he did move out of Los Angeles.

“Where all did you go?” I found myself interested in this. I didn’t even know Kenneth moved, much less had been traveling.

“I started all over the U.S., then Canada, then I backpacked through Europe and went to Asia. The last place I went to before coming back was Africa. It was absolutely...wild,” He shook his head. “All the photos I took...all the things I embraced and learned. You really learn some shit when you gotta sleep on somebody floor or get to spend nights in the wilderness,” I burst into laughter. “What? I’m serious,” He chuckled.

“I know, and that’s what’s funny! I would have never thought that Kenneth G. Davenport—the same man who would refused to go camping in California without a RV present—would be spending nights out in the African wilderness,” I said, and he nodded.

“I could see why you’d think that. That’s what you know of me,” He began, running a hand over his beard. This nigga has a beard. “But I decided to go ahead and try it. I had nothing to lose in doing it and plus, I felt that I needed to get a grasp on myself and who I really was,” His explanation surprised me. Honestly, he was just shocking me at every turn. I would have to cast away any previous assumptions I could have about him, and allow him to move freely within his new skin.

“I can tell that whatever you were doing out there, it’s working. You just seem different...your whole energy is different,” I shook my head before I smiled. “You’ve even got your mountain man look going on here!” I laughed a bit, gesturing to the dreads that now framed his face.

He shrugged a bit before he flashed a slightly bashful smile. “Can’t really do the whole barber thing when you out and about. And well, I kinda stopped caring about all that. It doesn’t really mean much when you not living to impress. Only kinda, though—if I start stinking or some shit, somebody better tell me,” He said, causing me to laugh again.

“So, I can assume you somewhat take care of this nest of yours?” I didn’t feel he was lying, though; just from sitting next to him, I could tell he still took care of himself despite his new outlook on outward appearance. There was a thin line between low maintenance and being neglectful, and he wasn’t close to crossing it anytime soon.

I watched as he gestured to his hair, inviting me for a touch. “Only one way to find out.”

My hesitation was for logical reason; while he was so open to speak to me and be around me, I was just in my own head. I had to keep reminding myself that this man wasn’t the man I knew before, that he had clearly undergone some type of change. But history doesn’t just erase itself; no matter how I tried to pretend that he and I were just a past chapter of my life, it was the fuel behind my nerves at the moment. Despite how I felt, I reached to gently touch one of his dreads, noting the softness of it. “What do you use?” I was surprised it didn’t feel like a cluttered mess, but I guess I was just still stuck in my own assumptions.

He seemed even more relaxed now that I was touching his hair; his eyes slowly closed and he sat completely still, almost as if he was meditating or something of the sort. “Mostly Aloe Vera, Argon Oil, and Avocado Oil. Then I wash and condition like normal. The guy who lines up my beard says I should get it retwisted so that it would be neater, but I haven’t gotten around to it,” He mumbled, and I pulled my hand away, avoiding that line cross that came with touching someone for a moment too long. “I know...it’s not what you’re used to seeing.”

“It’s isn’t.”

“But hey, at least one of us still looks the same.”

I raised an eyebrow, and he chuckled softly as he shook his head. “I guess I should thank you for the compliment,” I rolled my eyes as a subtle smile tugged at my lips.

“That’s all it was. You still look stunning, but I couldn’t expect less than stunning from a supermodel,” He said, and I noticed the look in his eyes as he seemed to look me over. “You even grew your hair back...looking like you did when you were 20,” My eyes rolled again, and I bit the inside of my cheek to fight off the heat coming to them.

“Shit, I wish I felt like I was 20,” I admitted, running a hand through my curls. “I’m getting tired more often, and I don’t enjoy some of the things I used to. I think I may become one of those old people saying, ‘this generation is too crazy,’” I joked.

“The body ages, but you don’t have to,” Ken paused for a moment before he licked over his lips. “We’re older, and our tastes will change. There’s nothing wrong with that. As far as your being tired, make sure you’re not working too hard,” I snorted. “What?”

“You of all people telling me not to work hard,” I chuckled. His slightly grim smile seemed to calm my amusement down to curiosity, and a bit of fear that maybe I had ticked him off.

“I did work pretty hard,” He sighed. “But it’s okay to take a rest sometimes,” He didn’t seem too bothered by my statement, so I guess I hadn’t messed this up yet. “...Aside from everything else, though—are you happy? Has everything been okay?” He looked back at me...his eyes. I saw that look again. It wasn’t as if he was trying to look through me or read my thoughts like he used to do. It was different...I couldn’t even tell what it was.

“I’m happy,” It was the truth. I had really worked hard not only on my craft, but on my inner self. I was mending my relationships, centering my energy, and even reconnecting with God in better ways than I was before. I was happy with myself and what I had become. He looked relieved at my answer. “Are you?”

He nodded slowly, and I was haunted by the tenderness of his gaze. “I’m happy.”

“Good,” I said, making sure that he knew I was sincere. “I’m glad that you’re happy, Ken,” No matter how things ended, I knew that he needed to find peace. Maybe that’s what I was being embraced by—a man who had found total peace.

Eventually we made it into Las Vegas—Vdara Hotel & Spa would be where we would end up staying for the duration of our trip. After Marcus checked us in we headed up to the penthouse suite that was waiting for us. I couldn’t lie; after a long flight in the morning and an eventful day, I was ready for a bath and a meeting with what was probably a comfortable bed. Most suites that I’ve visited usually only had up to two bedrooms, so now I wondered how the sleeping arrangement was going to be. Obviously, Marcus and Naomi would want to sleep in a room together, so where would that leave me and Kenneth?

“Sorry about not getting the extra room. I swore I thought they had three-bedroom suites here,” Marcus said once we reached the hotel room. “I can call up a roll-away bed, if you guys need me to,” He looked back at us as we stepped into the hallway.

“Nah, I’ll take the couch,” Kenneth instantly offered himself to the couch. I guess that solves the problem.

“Okay then. Well Sade, if you don’t mind, Naomi and I want the room with the en-suite bathroom,” He nodded towards the room in question, and I shook my head.

“Oh, no! Go ahead,” I chuckled as I peered inside, seeing Naomi already lying across the bed. “I see Naomi already chose the room anyway. Night, Nae!”

“Mhm,” She mumbled.

I giggled before I reached to give Marcus a hug, wishing him goodnight before I headed to my room, sitting my bag on the bed. I grabbed my pajamas and essentials before heading to the bathroom, sitting everything on the counter. I paused to look at my reflection, and I huffed as an emotion began to slightly wash over me—guilt. Why did I suddenly feel a way about just banishing Kenneth to the couch? I mean, he volunteered willingly without being asked, so I shouldn’t have felt bad. But I did. I felt worse than I probably should have. So, I walked out of the bathroom and headed towards the living room area.

The television was on and turned on a low volume; it looked to be some type of documentary on the American History Channel, serving as background noise as Kenneth moved about, dressing up the couch for him to sleep on. “Ken?”

He stopped his movements and looked back at me, sitting the pillow down on the couch. “What’s up? You done with the bathroom?” He asked, and I shook my head.

“I was thinking...” I clasped my hands in front of me before I sighed. “You should just come and sleep in the bed,” I suggested, and he shook his head.

“I’m not gonna let you sleep on the couch, Sade,” I guess he assumed I was asking to trade places. I knew he wouldn’t let that fly, because he never liked doing that sort of thing. He was the type that would let guests sleep in his bed before they slept on a couch, especially if they were a woman.

“I didn’t say that. I meant that you could sleep with me,” I said, and he raised his eyebrow slowly.

“Are you sure about that?” The room was silent for a moment. “Look, you don’t have to worry. I’ve slept on hard floors before—the couch is actually an upgrade in that perspective,” He argued.

I frowned a bit before I crossed my arms over my chest. “Look, Marcus and Naomi aren’t spending the money they’re spending to have us here just so you end up sleeping on a couch. Plus...we’re grown. We can sleep in a bed together without there being a problem,” I wasn’t going to back down from this, and I hoped that he could tell.

We stared at one another for a moment, and Kenneth sighed softly before he nodded, looking away from me. “Fine,” He mumbled. “No problem.”

“Good. I’m going to take a shower; your stuff better be in the room by the time I come out,” I playfully threatened, trying to lighten the moment that suddenly became so tense. It was like the tension just came out of nowhere.

Thankfully, the slightly miffed expression that had taken over the man was replaced with a soft chuckle. “Alright. You the boss, ma,” He complied, and I nodded slowly before I headed back towards the bathroom.

After a shower and my usual nightly routines, I brought my toiletries back into the bedroom, seeing Kenneth’s bag sitting on the corner table while he sat at the end of the bed, engulfed in whatever documentary he had playing in the living room. I placed my things in the bag, unable to take my eyes of him. The way he watched the screen and seemed so enveloped in the information fed to him was almost childlike, and it was amusing only because of the contrasted look of his wild hair and facial hair.

I cleared my throat once I realized how long I had been staring, and I stood up straight as I dusted my hands against my shorts. “Bathroom’s clear,” I announced.

“Huh?” Kenneth looked from the screen and over to me, looking me over before his eyebrows raised in what seemed like surprise. “Oh! The bathroom. Thanks,” He stood up and walked to his bag, not saying much else as he grabbed his things. Eventually he left the room, and I continued to put my stuff away.

I grabbed my Bible from my bag before getting in bed, scooting under the covers before I went into the last of my nightly routine. I have an app that gives me a nightly scripture suggestion, then I go to the Bible to read it. It’s a pretty simple and seemingly cut and dry thing to do but it often brought me to a scripture I needed to see.

Ephesians 4:31-32. Interesting.

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice,” I read. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you,” I quietly read over the scripture again, and I sighed softly as I glanced up at the ceiling. “You’re being on the nose tonight? I get it,” I mumbled before I sat my Bible on the bedside table, deciding to busy myself with my phone—I answered some emails and lollygagged on Twitter. I scrolled for a while before I twisted my lips to the side, starting to see some people I followed discussing Kenneth’s book. I scrolled through the thread as they discussed some of the things in the book, recalling back to the first tweet that included his handle. When I got to his page, I was welcomed by the message indicating my blocking him. I decided to unblock him. I went on Instagram and Snapchat before doing the same thing there. Was this a mistake? Maybe. But at this point there was no point in having the walls up.

I went back to back and forth peddling between Twitter and Instagram when I heard the door open, glancing up as Kenneth entered the room again. He pulled a plastic laundry bag from the closet before placing his old clothes into it, sitting the bag by his things before getting into bed. I placed my phone on the charger, and the room went dark once Kenneth turned the television off. “Goodnight, Sade,” I heard him tiredly mumble.

“Goodnight,” I said, turning away from him before getting comfortable in the sheets. My eyes stared into the darkness before I finally closed my eyes, relaxing in the sheets. God...I really hope I’m doing the right thing right now. I’m trying in my own way to extend an olive branch to this man, and I’m hoping it’s the right one. Please guide my steps. Keep your hand over my heart as I continue to be on this trip with him. Keep him in the right mind, too. Amen.

The window had no shades—or at least, it didn’t seem that way. The sun was rising right into our window, and I could even feel its warmth. I yawned softly before I gently rubbed my face against the cotton of the sheets, the scent of soap and forest scented body wash filled my nostrils...

Wait. I don’t use forest scented body wash.

I opened my eyes fully and realized I was no longer on my side of the bed. Instead, I was positioned in the middle of the bed, my body entangled with my bed mate’s. My leg was lazily wrapped around his own, and his arm cradled my waist loosely. I glanced down to realize that the ‘sheets’ I had rubbed against was his t-shirt covered chest, then I looked up at his face. He was clearly sleeping, judging by the deep breathing and the way my body seemed to slightly move along with the rise and fall of his chest. His lips were slightly parted as he slept, the sunlight casting a warm glow upon his face—his beard and dreads seemed to give off the brown color that usually couldn’t be seen in artificial light, and his long eyelashes still gave him the youthful look I always felt he had. My stomach tightened as I took a deep breath, the scent of him filling my nostrils again. I couldn’t help but to be mesmerized by the sight of him...he was beautiful. Maybe not to everyone, but to me he was.

His eyes suddenly fluttered open, and I found myself caught—whatever maneuver I thought I was going to do to get out of his arms wasn’t going to work now. “Hm?” He glanced down and noticed the way we laid together, and his face seemed to wash with concern. “Shit...shit,” He pulled away from me before he got out of bed, managing to keep his voice steady despite the worry all over his face. “I’m so sorry, Sade. I didn’t—I wasn’t trying to—...”

“No, no,” I sat up as I shook my head, trying to extinguish what was clearly an embarrassing moment. “It’s okay. I guess we just got comfortable. It’s okay,” I didn’t want Kenneth to feel that he had forced me into anything. How could he had done that, if we were sleeping? Nonetheless, I now see why he didn’t want to sleep with me, and why I probably shouldn’t have asked.

“Okay...okay,” He backed away from me, running a hand over his face before he closed his eyes. After taking a few deep breaths, I watched him open his eyes before he walked to his bag, nimbly looking for some day clothes to put on. I figured that I should do the same, so I got out of bed.

It was silently agreed that we wouldn’t talk about it further. Maybe that would take my mind off it.

After a breakfast down at the hotel restaurant, the day’s plans were in order—I was spending the day with Naomi, while Kenneth and Marcus had their Boys’ Day Out. We would all meet up again at 5:30pm to come back to the room and get ready for the wedding, and Marcus would go to the chapel first while the rest of us followed. I assumed that Naomi and Marcus were trying to make this crazy idea of a wedding as ‘traditional’ as possible, not wanting to see each other until the ceremony. I was down for the cause, because it gave me a chance to just hang with my girl and have a little fun. However, my mind was still stuck on this morning. The aquarium that we went to, the book store we spent money in, the bakery we damn near ransacked, and the nail bar that we visited gave no aid to my mental process. Kenneth was running laps through my mind, and it was exactly why I almost didn’t come. He was the reason I left America in the first place, and part of the reason that I had hoped to never see him again.

I had failed.

When I had left Los Angeles, I was in the understanding and acceptance that I loved Kenneth. I knew I was still in love with him but I knew that for me to progress and grow, I needed to let him go. He was a part of my problem and my inability to grow, and I felt that him being out of the picture was a part of the healing. I thought that the day would come that I saw Kenneth again and I wouldn’t feel the same as I did so many years ago. For a moment there, I thought I had conquered this.  I thought that for once, I had a handle on my feelings and Kenneth Davenport no longer had that effect on me. But I knew I had failed. From the moment I saw him at In-N-Out, I had failed. And me waking up in his arms was only a confirmation of how little had changed when it came to my feelings. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Iw as supposed to be over it.

However, I wasn’t going to address it. This wasn’t about me.

Naomi and I had time to hit the spa—she ordered us some massages and facials, which would have us out just in time to meet the boys back at the hotel. Now, we were sitting in one of the white rooms, plates of fruit and delicate pastries laid out for us to eat while we sat with our face masks, talking about everything and anything. For a moment, my thoughts were quiet. Good.

“Okay, so you’re getting married in a couple hours,” I was still trying to process that fact—I always anticipated her being my Maid of Honor, but I never got the preparation needed to be hers. Naomi swore she was never getting married at one point, but now she was about to be my other best friend’s wife. “How do you feel?” I asked.

Naomi shrugged before she looked down at her lap, pausing for a moment. “You know...I’m really happy. Like...the happiest I’ve been in a long time. I don’t think I’ve been this happy since my father was alive,” She said, and she bit her lip. “That’s the only thing, though. I wish he was here...I wish he could see what Marcus was like. I think he’d love him,” She said.

“I think so, too. If he saw how much Marc makes you smile, he’d be a fan,” I agreed.

“And it’s so funny. It’s because of my father’s passing that I kinda gave up on the idea of having a man,” She explained. “Ironically, Marcus is like my father in a lot of ways. But I guess that’s how it’s supposed to be. I just can’t believe how blind I was before, you know? I was so sad and guarded that I didn’t realize that a good man who loved me for me was sitting there in my face,” She shrugged. “But you know...I guess that was the universe giving me a second chance at love. I was so afraid of it at first. Everyone used to say that you needed a man to make you whole, but I saw it as giving up parts of myself for a man,” She shook her head. “But you know, Marcus never asks for anything from me. He only wants to love me, not control me or anything. And that’s how it supposed to be. I’m just glad I allowed him to show me that,” She looked off in the distance before a faint smile crossed her face.