trial & error

Because most of them aren’t mine, credits are at the end.

SHORT

“Marry me.” “Do you want me to leave?” “You are not going without me.” “I can’t believe you!” “I swear it won’t happen again.” “What did you say?” “I’m not jealous.” “You’re jealous, aren’t you?” “We can’t keep doing this.” “Are you sure this is legal?” “Isn’t this amazing?” “I’m going to take care of you, okay?” “Stay the night. Please.” “You can’t die. Please don’t die.” “Run away with me.” “You did WHAT?”  “Quit whining.” “Get outta my sight!” “Why are you so annoying?” “Were you ever going to tell me?” “Never in a million years.” “Don’t ask me that…” “I might have had a few shots.” “What’s with the box?” “W- What are you doing?” “Say it!” “I could kiss you right now!” “Are you done with that?” “What’s going on here?” “Stop pinning this on me! You started it!” “It’s your fault we’re in this mess.”  “Did you do this on purpose?!”  “Kiss me.” “Are you still awake..?”  “Excuse you?”  “This is all your fault!” “I can’t believe you dragged me into this.” “Don’t give me that look! It wasn’t my fault!”  “I shouldn’t be in love with you!” “It’s not fair!” “I could kill you right now!” “Knock it off!” “Screw you!” “You’re a complete moron!” “I love this song!” “I can’t be in love with you!” “Make me.” “Don’t tempt me.” “I hate you.” “You are infuriating!” “Just shut up already.” “That doesn’t even make sense.” “Bite me.” “Eat me.” “Kiss my ass.” “Just admit I’m right.” “Just admit you’re wrong.” “You are being ridiculous!” “That’s irrational.” “Listen to me!” “That’s not what I meant and you know it.” “Don’t yell at me.” “That’s it. End of discussion.” “I don’t believe you.” “You shouldn’t have said that.” “Fuck you!” “Shut your mouth before I shut it for you.” “How dare you?” “I dare you!”  “It’s you, it’s always been you.”  “Well this is awkward…” “Just pretend to be my date”.  

MISCELLANEOUS

“Are you really gonna leave without asking me the question you’ve been dying to ask me?” “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.” “I just did some calculations, and I’ve been able to determine that you’re full of shit.” “You know what I like most about people? Pets.” “Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up?” “What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.” “I don’t hate you.. I just don’t like that you exist.” “Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag.” “Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.” “Did you really just insult Captain America in front of me?” “Can I touch your boob?” “It’s not that you’re wrong, exactly, you’re just extremely not right.” “You shouldn’t be trusted with small children, should you?” “Give me cake or give me death.” “On a scale from, ’I can sometimes make important phone calls without crying’ to ’I have a stable job with a steady income, a spouse who loves me, a dog, and two kids who are screwed up minimally at worst’, how much of an adult are you?” “You think I’m dumb enough to fall for that stupid move?” “Despite the cliche, it’s not me, it’s you.” “Obviously you can’t tell a woman you just met that you love her, but it sucks that you can’t.” “No, it was my fault for thinking that you might care.” “When you love someone, you just don’t stop. Ever. Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy… even then. Specially then!” “If you’re not scared, then you’re not taking a chance. If you’re not taking a chance, then what the hell are we doing anyway?” “I think I’ve been holding myself back from falling in love with you all over again.” “What have I told you about the toilet seat?” “I tried to change the duvet and I got stuck inside.” “I vote today to be a pajama day.” “You have to tell me why were committing a felony before we do it. Not that that’s going to stop us, but at least I’ll have all the facts.” “I don’t leave messages. If I wanted to talk to a machine, I’d talk to my VCR.” “I can be flexible. As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I’m totally flexible.” “You know we’re suppose to be together. I knew it the first time I saw you, and you know it, too. I know you do.” “Those things you said yesterday… Did you mean them?” “I’m not going to apologise for this. Not anymore.” “What I hear when I’m being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.” “I am NOT crying, okay?! I’m allergic to jerks!” “This would not happen if I had a penis!” “That’s almost exactly the opposite of what I meant.” “All nighter, you and me. First one to fall sleep buys the other dinner.” “I don’t think I’ve ever played spin the bottle.”  “Sorry! I didn’t mean to touch your butt.”  “I’m ok, thank you. Just please, stop talking to me.”  “To the night you’ll never remember!” “Excuse me, did the 12:15 bus come by already?” “Could I sit here? All the other tables are full.” “Are you meeting someone here? Because.. I think I’m that person.”  “You weren’t supposed to laugh! I’m so embarrassed!”  “It must be hard with your sense of direction, never being able to find your way to a decent pickup line.” “Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his/her cake hole.” “I’m not gonna die in a hospital where the nurses aren’t even hot.” “You better take care of that car or I swear I’ll haunt your ass!” “This is the dumbest thing you’ve ever done.“ “It’s a real shame nobody asked for your opinion.” “I could do that, but could doesn’t mean would.” “You cannot fathom the immensity of the fucks I don’t give.” “You’re like, five feet tall. How you gonna reach me, shortie?” “I recognize that you have reached a decision, but given that it is a stupid ass decision I have elected to ignore it”  “Do you need me to kill someone for you?”  “Look out where you’re going, asshole!”  “Fuck the sandwich guy!”  “I did not mean for stripping to come out of this.”  “The whole street is blocked off. The police won’t tell us anything, but I think there’s been some kind of attack… Maybe a bomb?”  “Oh my god, are you okay? I’m calling the police. I think I saw who did this to you.”  “I’m weird, you’re weird, we could have weird little babies and live weirdly ever after if it wasn’t for the fact I find you repulsive.” “There is nothing wrong with planning a wedding with a video game character.” “I’m gonna lay down and die for like half hour okay?”    “There’s been some real friction in our friend group lately. I suggest an orgy to save our friendships.” “It’s midnight, what do you want?”  “I think I know how to use a bed.” “If I wake up in the morning and I’m dead… Wait.” “You are completely unfit to handle a child.” “We have to get out of this place. It is EVIL.” “Don’t you dare throw that snowba-, goddammit!”  “When in doubt curl into the fetal position and give up on life.” “It’s not a double date, we’re just third and forth wheeling.”

FLUFF

“Your hair is so soft…” “You’re so cute when you pout like that!” “Just relax, I’ll wash your hair for you.” “I’m not going to stop poking you until you give me some attention.” “What, does that feel good?” “HA! I found a weak-spot on you, didn’t I?” “Are you wearing my shirt?”  “You are ridiculously comfortable…” “I’ve had a rough day and honestly all I want right now is a drink and someone to cuddle with…” “You’re so cute when you’re half asleep like this…” “You’re beautiful, you know that?” “We should get a puppy!”

STARGAZING

“Aren’t they beautiful?” “These stars are nothing compared to the ones I’ve seen in your eyes.” “Shooting star, make a wish.” “It’s actually a comet, but I’ll still make one.” “Imagine if it could always be this way, even in the city.” “Never thought something so beautiful could exist in nature…” “Wouldn’t it be cool to name a star after yourself?” “Y'know, your roof may not be the safest place for us to stargaze.” “This is why you made me drive three hours out into the middle of nowhere?” “Is that a– Wait, no, just an airplane.” “I wouldn’t mind falling asleep out here.

FLIRTY/SUGGESTIVE/SEXUAL

“Did you just… finish?” “They always make shower sex sound so appealing, but honestly, this is getting dangerous.” “I’m not actually feeling anything.” “Are you getting any closer?” “Why do they make this look so easy in all those porn movies?! This hurts like fuck!” “Did something just happen? You’re not turned on anymore.” “Shit sorry, am I going too fast?” “Wow, you’re hot.” “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” “Hey, I’m open minded.” “Keep sweet-talking and this could go a whole new direction.” “I think it’s about time we stop avoiding the obvious.” “I’m gonna be honest with you. I’m really horny, and you’re really hot. Can we fuck? Like, now?” “I see someone’s happy to see me.” “I saw that. You just checked me out.” “You know, when this is over, we should really have angry sex.” “Take off your clothes.”  “Tell all those other guys/girls you don’t need them ‘cause you got me.” “Don’t give me that face, it’s so cute I might not be able to hold back.” “Boobs are really just squishy pillows.”  “If you don’t get turned on by having your neck kissed somethings wrong with you.”  “Blasphemy! Sex solves everything.” “I platonically want to have sex with you. No big deal.”

TEXTS

[text]: What do you want now? [text]: Do you want to bet on that? [text]: Guess who just got back in town. [text]: So I might be in a hospital right now… [text]: We can’t keep doing this anymore! [text]: Come on, come to the party! [text]: Can you pick me up from the bar? Too drunk to drive. [text]: You have no clue how I feel so shut up. [text]: I call bullshit. [text]: You thought you could get away with that, didn’t you? [text] I gave up great shower sex to be here so don’t say I never did anything for our friendship. [text] Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness. [text] Also, my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall. [text] Who says no to sex and donuts?! [text] I know what you did last summer…

Jiho could not help the blush that decorated his cheeks to intensify once an arm was enclosed around his waist, the rosiness hue seemingly matching the soft, sunset hues. His prior words were not a fabrication by any means—of treasuring every second—on account of acknowledging the sense of contentment he felt being with Siwon. It was a feeling he had not felt for quite some time, of when days were better without the quakes of woe. At some point during the bygone days, he had told himself that instead of succumbing into defeatist’s embrace, he would welcome a promising one; and it just so happened that Siwon was the one he wholeheartedly greeted.

Thus, Jiho snuggled closer with more of a blooming smile, trying his best to appreciate given colourations of the skyline whilst ignoring the cold the best he could. He giggled at the sudden comment—a cute one at that, his nose and eyes crinkled ever-so-slightly. Yet, something held him back from pronouncing words of similar manner because it was a verity that he felt the same way, jokingly or not. “No, it wasn’t bad,” he whispered, peeking up at the other and took a moment to admire him. It was endearing, he wanted to say but playfully rolled his eyes at the next remark. “You’re not allowed to sick either!”

However, when the strong gale took the opportunity to rudely interrupt them, Jiho whined softly as his back was turned to block the gust. Yeah, he was ready to be somewhere else that was warm, though he was not complaining at the latent hug he found himself in. He was caught in another gaze, slightly afraid that Siwon may have felt how fast his heart was outwardly beating and licked his lips. “Um,” Jiho breathed, swallowing down passionate desires with a nod. “Yeah. Yeah, come on.”

After struggling to stand due to the number of layers he had on, Jiho offered his hand to help the other up before strolling back towards the car. He touched one of his cheeks with the back of his hand, shivering at both the chill and static whilst manoeuvring around to stand at the passenger’s door. Jiho quickly got into the car once the doors were unlocked, clasping his hands and looking down at them settled on his lap. This sensation was definitely one he felt before regardless of its timeline and as he glanced at Siwon entering the vehicle, a sigh escaped. Eyes flickered towards the disappearing sun, memories of the other man encircling his mind—all of which were happy ones, save for a few hiccups here and there.

Siwon made him jovial, made him feel less alone and more wanted; more loved. Love? Yes, perhaps he was in love. No. Jiho knew he was in love. They were there for each other, through thick and thin, genuinely sharing the same tenderness so was it wrong of him to become something more than just friends, of what they were? He was not wrong in wanting that; however, he still frightened him a little nonetheless and that was a matter he could not help.

He shifted in his seat, stuck between turning to face Siwon and remain forward before choosing the former. Jiho persisted to be silent, brows furrowing and head somewhat tilted, a hand reaching up to halt the other from igniting the car. His fingers danced along the back of Siwon’s hand, notably shaking but warm to the touch now that they were out of the cold. Lips parted, conflicted on what to say and what he was currently doing, his hand moderately flinching away out of embarrassment but interweaved their fingers together after a few seconds.

“Wait. Can we… I-I mean…” Jiho stammered, biting down on his lower lip. He peered at Siwon, faint whimpers rolling out from his throat as he could not figure out what he was trying to convey. His body shifted closer, grateful that he did not click his seatbelt on until he was relatively near. He felt like crying—when does he not cry in any situation, honestly—but with emotions so grand and lush, a tear could not help to trail down the side of his face. It was not enough to portray how he was feeling and he certainly did not want to stir any wrong ideas.

Therefore: “Siwon, I…” he rustled. Jiho did not know when he closed his eyes, when he leans more forward to press his lips against soft ones but when he was aware of his actions; he became embarrassed. Maybe not too abashed, though, for he deepened the kiss with little to no shame. He pressed his other hand along Siwon’s chest, searching for more contact by any means and sweetly moaned into the gesture. However, it was with that erupting note that caused Jiho to quickly pull back and whip away his naturally, flowing tears; face utterly read.

“God, I’m so sorry! I don’t…” he shook his head. “I’m sorry.”

once siwon had unlocked the car and the pair were safely inside, he fastened his seat belt and pushed his key into the ignition shortly after, though he paused when jiho’s hand met his own. he wasn’t in any sort of rush, his actions were simply out of habit, and as if the younger had whispered some sort of magic spell, siwon let go of the keys and his fingers laced with jiho’s almost instantly. they technically hadn’t really held hands before, so perhaps that is why siwon’s heart flutters so easily when their hands fit together, but the next time they held hands --- which siwon certainly hoped there would be --- he was sure he’d feel the same way he did now. 

with such a simple gesture, the aura around them had suddenly changed --- at least for siwon. it was an overwhelming feeling, one that brought him warmth despite having not yet turned the car on, and he loved it. he was over the moon. his heart definitely was too, seeing as it began beating twice as fast when he moved his eyes from their hands to jiho’s face. siwon should have asked if jiho was alright since he had been stopped from starting the car, but all of his thoughts seemed to fly out the window once their fingers intertwined.

when jiho finally spoke, the aura changed yet again. siwon was quiet and attentive, eyebrows twitching into a somewhat concerned expression at the sounds he made. it felt like the whole world had stopped just for them with the intensity of the moment, so much so that when a tear escaped the other, siwon had lost the time to ask what was wrong once jiho’s lips were suddenly pressed against his. 

for someone who had dreamed of kissing jiho many times in the past, in the moment siwon was frozen, his body nearly trembling because of how close the two of them were. he was thankful for the padding of his winter coat to mask just how nervous jiho had made him when a hand pressed to his chest, and he was more than thankful he had only hesitated for a second before following the younger’s lead. kissing back just as jiho deepened it, siwon’s head was swimming, but at the same time he couldn’t manage to make out a single thought besides how euphoric he felt. 

he lifted his free hand to grasp the one on his chest, but jiho was abruptly pulling away after he had moaned before siwon could do so, leaving him there breathless. however, siwon didn’t hesitate this time, his other newly freed hand fumbling to unbuckle his seat belt so he could reach jiho. “don’t---” it was all he could get out at first, and he cupped jiho’s face with one hand, nudging him so their eyes met when siwon brought himself closer. “you don’t need to apologize,” he whispered, both of siwon’s hands now moving to gently hold the curve of jiho’s jaw as he initiated another kiss. it was soft yet passionate, and came much more naturally than the first; it was then that siwon finally understood what people meant when they would say they saw fireworks. 

when he pulled away reluctantly after a few long seconds, it was only to catch his breath, his face slowly beginning to heat up even with the slight chill still surrounding them. “jiho, i...” blinking, siwon licked over his lips and sat up, but they were still within quite close proximity (frankly, only a few inches away) since he hadn’t moved back into to his seat completely. somehow kissing jiho on his own had calmed him down to a certain extent, comforting him in the midst of the anxiousness that his feelings for the other brought him. “i really.. i --- i really, really... like you.”

siwon released a shaky breath after speaking, though it was stuttering than anything else, and quite a large weight off of his shoulders followed suit when he looked away from jiho briefly. “god, i... i don’t know why it took me so long to tell you that,” he chuckled, and he could barely register how he suddenly felt like crying before a tear of his own fell down his cheek and his eyebrows furrowed. looking back up to meet jiho’s gaze, siwon wiped at his face and swallowed nervously, “you... you mean so much to me, jiho. i know that might sound stupid since i haven’t said anything until now, but you’re --- you’re always on my mind and i always want to spend time with you. when i’m tired, i think of you and things aren’t as difficult. sometimes i feel really out of place, but with you? everything is so much better, it’s just --- it’s overwhelming and y-you...

Jiho was not necessarily a hateful person and on the contrary, it took a lot to make him really loathe anything. However, if it’s one thing that he truly had a distaste for, it was the colder seasons. Winter was beautiful in his own way and rightly so, but it was also rather depressing and obviously frigid. He preferred the spring and summer seasons—to see flowers bloom and be kissed by the sun’s rays; not to be shivering endlessly even if he wore a lot of layers. And, currently, he was wearing more layers than he cared to admit.

He had agreed to accompany Siwon to the beach because, just like the other, it was also his favourite place. He just was not properly expecting it to be this cold and foolishly left his scarf back in this dorm room. Jiho was not truly mad that he did for being with Siwon was typically enough to keep him warm. Seeing how his mind, and heart, was constantly thinking about the man beside him, he would much rather battle the cold just so they could be together.

That feeling was on a continuous display, as well. There was always a smile on Jiho’s face, coexisting with bubbly laughter time to time from sheer happiness. In spite of all of that, he could not keep the fact that he was chilly a secret as he was frequently shivering whilst looking on at the water. Jiho snuggled the best he could within his winter coat, appearing like a turtle and if he cheeks were not already flushed from the brutal cold, Siwon would have noticed him blush at his comment.

“I…” he stuttered, allowing the scarf to go around his neck. He could not help to gaze at Siwon as his coat was securely zipped up and smiled. “It’s better. Thank you.” Jiho thought for a moment before itching a bit closer, not just to get as much warmth as possible, but to be alongside Siwon in general.

“It’s alright. I don’t mind it,” he replied with a shake of his head. He mused over his mother for a second, wondering if she would appreciate something like this and nodded. “I’m glad we came out here. It’s not every day we get to just relax and… be together, you know? I’m treasuring every second.” Jiho took the opportunity to rest his head on Siwon’s shoulder and sighed contently.

“Are you okay? I would really hate it if you got a cold,” he cooed. “But, I would definitely take care of you if you did.”

“absolutely. me too,” he replied, smiling as he spoke and heart fluttering when jiho’s head ended up against his shoulder. siwon wrapped his arm around the younger’s waist without hesitation and pulled him closer, deciding to let go of any lingering nerves he had and excuse his actions for the sole purpose of making sure jiho was warm. his whole body was buzzing as he did so, that’s for sure, but the only thing that really came from it was his smile getting even bigger, if that was possible. 

he let out a content sigh and watched again as his breath faded into the air, mixing into the orange and pink sky from the sun that was beginning to set in front of them. the sunset meant the day was just going to continue to get colder until the sun was out of sight, but siwon could only admire it, and when he turned to look at jiho (though he could only see a part of his face with the boy’s head resting on him), he admired him, too.

“i’m okay, don’t worry,” siwon assured. he sucked in a breath and scrunched up his face, raising the pitch of his voice just slightly so he would sound cuter as he continued, “just being with you keeps me warm~”

the elder shook his head and laughed out loud almost immediately, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet to hopefully get some more of his blood flowing in the cold, but it also helped with his few seconds of embarrassment. “ah, that was bad, wasn’t it?” he still smiled, albeit he was blushing now, and he used his free hand to brush over his nose, which had been slowly turning pink from the cold. “i’m glad you would take care of me though. i would too, you know, but you definitely can’t get sick. okay? you’re not allowed!”

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Manifesting one’s emotions was an exertion that Jiho failed to achieve. It was a struggle that a constant brew since his mother’s death, to bottle up pain and agony in exchange for optimism, positivity—but even the sun does not shine for all eternity. Trapped in such a mental nullity, the arm that caught him was not instantly registered until a few seconds later and caused him to turn around. Embarrassed was a futile word to describe him now for he was far beyond that.

He was sad, miserable that Siwon, of all people, saw him in such as way—crying and untying the neatly placed bow in which held his negative emotions together. It was not in his nature to let other people see his light dim but, unfortunately, thanks to the words directed to him; it was final push he needed. Jiho listened to the sincere words that flowed from the other and, yes, it was a soothing touch to his wounds, however, it was not enough. The hand that graced his face was a comforting gesture, however, it was not enough.

It goes without saying that Siwon was not at fault. No, it was his own wrongdoings and he could not forgive himself for being so selfish, idiotic. Tears continued to cascade as they stood in silence, the inquiry on if he was alright louder than the quietness. Yet, this was an opportunity for him to just be honest with, not only himself but Siwon as well. Therefore, a quivering sigh escaped his lips as he shook his head. “No,” he whispered. “I’m not okay, Siwon. Pretty far from it, actually.”

He laughed sadly. “A lot of people don’t think of what I’m going through and I guess it’s my fault, really. For not opening up, I mean,” Jiho continued, keeping his gaze downward. “To have a door slammed in your face after receiving degrading remarks… Do you know what that feels like? To be the only member of your group to not have a family there for support, do you know what that feels like?” Another sob could not help to erupt.

“I care and think about you a lot, Siwon. You were the only person on my mind. You were one of the main reasons why I wanted to have some closure with my family so I can be a better person for you and now look at me? I’m no better than when I was before,” Jiho looked up, then. “I came here because I needed you, not to be scolded again even though I deserve it.”

He tilted his head. “But, I guess that’s me being selfish again, isn’t it? I made you worry, I’m sorry… I’m sorry,” Jiho crouched down and held his head in his hands, seemingly speaking to himself at this point. “I’m sorry, I’m truly sorry. The best for me? What can possibly be the best for me now?”

He just wanted his mother. “I want my mom back, Siwon.” He just wanted a family. “I want a family to love me, Siwon.” He just wanted to see properly. “I want to see the world like you do, Siwon.” He just wanted it to stop. “I just…” He just wanted Siwon. “I…” He peeked up at the man before him, face flushed with sorrow and tears salted with melancholy.

Was he truly a bad person? “I’m a bad person?” Or, did bad things just happen to him? “Or, do bad things just happen to me?” He didn’t know what to do. “I don’t know what to do, Siwon. I don’t know anymore.”

siwon was never going to fully understand all of the hardships that jiho had to face, the same way jiho wouldn’t be able to fully understand his own hardships of growing up in japan or leaving to train in korea on his own --- but siwon wanted to at least try to understand. he wanted jiho to know he was there for him; he was more than willing to listen to everything jiho was feeling, and while he wouldn’t be able to fix everything, he needed jiho to know that he recognized his pain, and that he wanted to help him through it. he definitely wasn’t going to leave, siwon needed him to know that much.

“it’s okay to not be okay, jiho,” siwon mused, and sighed as he blinked at the other. “you’re right. you did make me worry... but you’re safe now, and that’s really all that matters. i didn’t mean to scold you, but y’know, i... did that already and i can’t take it back. i’m sorry,” he mumbled and licked over his lips, pulling a hand away from jiho’s face to push through his hair as he thought about what to say next. siwon wished he could stop time simply so he could find the right words to say to jiho, but a few words weren’t going to fix anything, were they? 

words were what siwon was good at, they always were, though only when he had enough time to actually formulate them. he was usually good at comforting people, he knew what the right thing to say was, but with jiho things just weren’t as easy. maybe it was the feelings siwon had for the younger that made him second guess everything --- like whether or not he should even bother confessing to jiho (as if they both hadn’t subtly done so already). 

siwon didn’t know what the right thing to do was. he couldn’t just stitch jiho up with the right words and suddenly make everything okay, so what was he supposed to do? everything jiho was telling him was sad, laced with tears and broken expressions. what did siwon have to do to make things better? and why did he feel like it was his job? it wasn’t. but jiho needed support, and that, that is what siwon could give him. he’d give jiho the world if he really could.

with pursed lips, siwon nudged jiho’s shoulders in order to pull him into his arms gently, hugging him close and releasing a soft breath as he hooked his chin over the boy’s shoulder. “you’re not a bad person, please don’t ever think that. you don’t deserve any of the shit you’ve had to go through.” siwon spoke with his eyes shut, willing himself not to cry but jiho was proving to make things much harder. his shoulders raised up as he took in another breath; if he could just keep going everything would be alright. “i’m never going to understand everything you’ve had to deal with, jiho... i wish i could, so i could be better at this, but,” another exhale. “you’re so strong, you have no idea.”

Jiho was taken aback by the sudden utterances directed towards him and all he could merely do was look down at his bottle of water dejectedly. It was a justified reproach, one of many that he received once he returned from Suwon; yet, since it came from Siwon, it affected him rather significantly. Even though he had thought about the numerous ‘what-ifs’ about immaturely running off, perhaps it was not completely mind-over-matter and truthfully, it was the complete opposite. All he wanted to do was get better, to become better both mentally and emotionally. It was not exactly simple to tell someone and if he did, he most likely would have been told to wait until their hiatus or further down the road. He could not wait that long; so, was he just being selfish?

With his immediate family irrevocably closing their door in his face, Jiho was free with the torment that came from them and himself. A weight had been lifted but not without a cost. He ultimately lost people he could turn to—if he could ever turn to them, that is—and the amount decreased to a mere handful. He had Hyunchul, who he did not want to bother with his familial issues. He had Haneul… or was that merely an assumption? He had his fellow members but given current circumstances, it would probably be best not to bother them for a while. And, of course, he had the individual standing before him.

Jiho peeked up at that moment. He fathomed that Siwon’s words came from overall concern and understood that becoming an idol meant signing away a piece of freedom that he was used to before. Everything was fine though, right? No, everything was not fine like he expected and that was the reason why he brushed off the whole incident so easily, so selfishly. If the public found out, so what? If he was kicked out of the group, so what? At least the cloud lingering over his head would vanish, but so would many other things as well. Everything could have gone wrong and maybe, everything was going wrong?

He chewed on his bottom lip, cheeks red with overwhelmingness and brows furrowed with the confusion of his own mindset. The sole outcome of his so-called plan in which he did not take into account was hurting those around him and most of all hurting Siwon. Jiho parted his lips to say something in response, only to be interrupted by a quiet sob erupting from his throat and he quickly covered his mouth as he grasped the bottle of water tightly. There was no doubt in his mind and heart that Siwon meant a lot to him, to a greater extent that words could explain and after processing all that was said to him, he realized that his actions were borderline idiotic.

Therefore, tears that had outlined his eyes finally breached the brims and trailed down his cheeks. “Siwon, I…” Jiho nodded his head before quickly shaking it, emotionally confused and backed away from the island. He did not want to apologize again for it was just like what Siwon had said—it was not a matter of apologizing. It was time to confide in someone that he trusted and felt safe with, even if he was extremely embarrassed and nervous. Thus, Jiho wept where he stood and glanced down, trying his best to wipe away the tears with his sleeve.

“I-It was just so hard for me, alright? It still is hard for me!” He said between sobs, trying to muster some courage to look at Siwon but he could not. “Do you know how it feels to have your family hate you for just existing? I couldn’t practice or perform properly cause their words always encircled my mind. I just wanted to… I just wanted to make them stop, no matter the cost.”

Jiho stumbled towards the island and leant forward, his water tumbling out of his hands as he reached out toward Siwon with open, pleading hands. “I didn’t want to worry anyone but what kind of person could I be to you if I was just stuck with the one thing that was holding me back? I want to become a better person for you, for everyone but I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. How am I supposed to tell anyone that?” He cried, face redly flushed.

He backed away from the island away and shook his head rapidly, digging through his jacket pocket to pull out a small brown bag—which had Siwon’s name written on it and contained matching Totoro keychains for the both of them. Placing it on the counter, Jiho sniffed and sighed shakily. “I saw these and thought of you, okay? I… You were on my mind all the time while I was… away.” He swallowed roughly. “I’m going to the bathroom to freshen up. I hope that’s okay.” Humiliated, Jiho quickly turned and left (confident that he could find the restroom on his own) before Siwon could say anything.

siwon had no recollection of the last time he’d felt so awful, or how quickly the feeling filled the pit of his stomach and his entire being when jiho let out the most heartbroken sob he’d ever heard. he wanted to take back everything he had said, and all of the pain jiho had clearly been faced with in the last few days and for who knows how long because of younger’s familial situation. he knew what he had said to jiho wasn’t necessarily wrong, and he definitely couldn’t truthfully say he didn’t still believe his own opinion, but it was obvious neither of them had faced the topic at hand with the best reaction.

do you know how it feels to have your family hate you for just existing? no, he certainly didn’t. in fact, siwon had it quite the opposite; he came from such a loving and supportive family, and he was constantly grateful for how lucky he was for them, but that wasn’t to say siwon understood what it was like to grow up any other way. he liked to think of himself as an empathetic person, to the point where siwon often felt bad for his own upbringing and the fact that he couldn’t help the situations of others. thoughts like that never helped anyone, though. all he ever wanted to do was help. this time he’d gotten a bit too far ahead of himself.

he could only stand there as jiho broke down in front of him, spilling thoughts that siwon had clearly caused to resurface --- whether or not it was a good thing that jiho was expressing seemingly otherwise repressed feelings, he still felt horrible. seeing the boy who he cared so deeply for look so hurt and vulnerable made him feel sick, and he couldn’t bring himself to say anything, only a distraught expression finding its way onto his face as he stood there helplessly.

in truth, siwon wasn’t aware of everything jiho was telling him; they were close friends, but not to the point where siwon knew everything about jiho’s past. he wanted to though, he wanted to so badly. he wanted to know every bit of jiho, every little thing, and it pained him that his own feelings for the other were holding him back from doing so. he felt so far away from him, especially now, with everything jiho was letting out. he wanted to help, but what could siwon possibly do?

when jiho pulled out a small bag from his pocket, only then did siwon look away from the younger, but it was only for a second. even then, by the time he looked back jiho was wandering off (in the wrong direction for the bathroom too, that is), but siwon’s body was moving much faster than his mind was and an arm reached out to stop the male once he had caught up to him. 

“jiho, wait---” he sounded so breathless having only moved a few feet, but it felt as though his heart had jumped into his throat and siwon couldn’t think straight. “i didn’t... i didn’t think about what you must have been going through. i was really worried about you, that’s all. i care about you a lot, but i -- i didn’t think about how you were feeling to have run off like that. i’m sorry.” siwon sighed; his voice was soft as he closed the space in between them, which there wasn’t much to begin with, and he held his breath. “you just---” he couldn’t seem to get any words out without wanting blurt out just how much he liked jiho, but he managed to hold back for now. “i think about you... a lot,” words were chosen carefully. “i was really worried. more than i’d like to admit. i didn’t mean to be that harsh, though... i just want the best for you, you know?”

Jiho continued his mini-tour around the apartment whilst listening to Siwon’s response. He understood how surreal it felt to move into a place on your own subsequent to years of residing with family or someone else. After the death of his mother, and during some of his trainee years, he had gotten a small apartment because… what else could really be done? It certainly left an odd taste in his mouth living by himself and even though friends had stayed over from time to time, it wasn’t the same; yet, it was rather nice having somewhere to escape to. Now, all that he basically had was a shared room and a hope that some nights he could be alone. Even that was wishful thinking, a price to be paid with being an idol.

Throughout his thoughts, Jiho did not realize he was looking out of yet another window before Siwon cleared his throat, causing him to turn around almost too quickly and go back to the kitchen with a slight hop in his step. However, his expression softened as the older male began to voice his worries and concerns. He leant against the island with a tiny frown and held the bottle of water sadly.

“I…” Jiho stopped to peek up at Siwon, gazing at him tenderly before forging a smile. “I’m alright! Really, I’m sorry for worrying you. You wouldn’t believe how many apologies I’ve given everyone. I’m an idiot sometimes.” He laughed and proceeded to open the water bottle, nervously taking a swig of it whilst shaking his head.

“You’re not overstepping,” continued Jiho, yet he paused again. It was not a surprise that he became emotional in such a quick time but, honestly, was his actions truly wrong? He was a grown man, was he not? He did not need to tell someone what he was going to do and at least his manager was informed that there was a family emergency. However, Siwon was right. Jiho mentally scoffed. Of course, he was right.

His head tilted towards the side. “Even if I did tell someone, it wouldn’t have helped me in what I needed to do. It wasn’t job related it was just…” Jiho sniffed, clearing his throat once he was aware that his voice was cracking a little. Thus, he smiled again—a technique that he picked up for trying to smooth matters over. “It’s not a big deal. I’m here in one piece, right? I didn’t expect you to act this way, Siwon. Are you okay?”

What was he even saying right now? “Plus, I got you a gift! Do you want to see it?”

“you still can’t just leave. it’s not a matter of apologizing, you just ---” siwon stopped himself and released a breath, hopefully to keep himself from turning red. he wasn’t sure what he was even saying, all he knew was the amount of worry he had while jiho was gone was suddenly surfacing right then. “i don’t have many people here i can go to, and i wish i could just leave sometimes, but i can’t. we can’t. not without a word to anyone. what if a missing persons report was filed, jiho? you can’t do things like that.”

he sighed again and paused, eyes shifting away from jiho for the time being, yet he couldn’t seem to focus in one place either. as soon as his thoughts came out, he was beginning to feel bad, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself. jiho meant so much more to him than siwon was allowing anyone, especially jiho, to know. if he wasn’t careful, he was going to end up blurting it out in the middle of their... conversation. siwon wasn’t quite sure what it was. more outwardly expressed emotions than he was used to, that’s for sure.

the confirmation that he was not overstepping made him feel a bit better, but that didn’t get rid of all of the feelings siwon was currently holding back. if anything, siwon hadn’t realized how strong his feelings for jiho were until that very moment, and it made filtering his thoughts much harder as he spoke again. “i’m not saying as idols we’re not allowed to walk away, or that we can’t catch a break but --- it’s harder for us, and we all knew that when we signed up for this. you can’t just leave and expect everything to be fine when you get back. you’re lucky the public didn’t found out!”

siwon’s eyebrows knitted together at the mention of a gift so suddenly, “no---i mean yeah, but not... now. why are you brushing this off so easily? it is a big deal! this isn’t just about worrying a few people, jiho --- no one knew where you were, or if you’d ran away --- do you not see how many things could have gone wrong?”