천박한

@fmorion “Quit whining.”

Sakura pouted, trying to soften how annoying she might be coming off by showing sadness. She knew tiredness was part of the job. You’d think she’d be used to it by now but mixed with the fact she was finally on the brink of debut, Sakura had been having episodes of nausea and emotional mood swings. She hated it. Usually her emotions were so easily controlled. But she’d never wanted anything more in her life and she’d never worked harder.

“Sorry…I just…” Sakura paused, knowing anything she said further would only be an excuse to whine more. “I know. You’re right. I shouldn’t complain. I’m lucky. I’m lucky to be allowed to work so hard and be so tired for this.”

being in the industry for so long, taehyun wasn’t the one to scold the girl like that. or maybe because he had been in this world for more than half a decade gave him the power to do so. the boy knew exactly where the other was coming from, hell, even himself had those moments back when he was with decypher where anything and everything just seemed pointless. putting your health at risk just seemed completely useless. 

so taehyun sighed, clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth and brought a hand to ruffle her hair. “you are lucky at the same time you are cursed. you aren’t the only one going through rough stuff, darling. i know it seems cruel but that’s how it is. grab onto the reason why you chose this path and don’t let go. that’s how i keep myself motivated.”

⋆   it is barely light when his phone rings from his bedside and he has to wince at the sound filling the quiet room, and probably the dorm itself. everyone is asleep, besides one or two of the boys.

he himself has only drifted into sleep only a few hours ago, two maybe if he had been lucky. but he is still groggy as he answers the phone, whispering out for the other person to give him a second.

he manages to get out of his room and into his kitchen to get a water, croaking out a reply. “hey, sorry, i had to get out of my room before i talked or i would’ve woken up the guys.”

haneul goes to down the water, looking at the id to find it was taehyun.

it could be because he just woke up, but his body seems to heat up at the realization that it is him. or it could be the cold air from the air conditioning hitting him, dressed lightly and out of blankets for the first time in hours.

he knows the truth behind it is nothing more than hormones and a tired mind jumping to conclusions. taehyun is definitely one of the more attractive guys he has known, and they use to be much closer than they are these days—emotionally, at least. they’ve been physically close the last few times haneul has forced the other into hanging out. mostly meaning they’ve kissed.

deep down he knows he should be concerned. but most of his relationships have gotten to this strange level of sexuality since october.

but, for now, he is barely awake, unfocused on on much of reality. momentarily though, he does worry, anxiety bubbling up because what if this is an emergency and he has a whole fucking boner, like some weird straight guy.

“hey, are you…like okay? why are you calling me so early?”

it could be easy. he thinks in a frantic train of thought that starts running wild before it crashes. it used to be easy to just talk to the other. about anything, about everything. just let the words be, trace them in front of their wondering faces when the darkness overtook the sky. it really came easy back then, when life seemed effortlessly padded for them to bounce around the edges. however, taehyun’s balloon popped a few years ago. and he is now a grown up kid who thinks baloons are stupid, long talks are stupid and feelings are even more stupid.

so he sucks in a breath, if there were any words he wanted to say, they were cut short with a simple chuckle. “why wouldn’t i be?” he replies after a three seconds longer than needed pause. his hand brushes the bangs away from his face, and the morning air helps. “you know where i am?” he asks with a voice so soft and tender it even makes himself jump surprised. maybe it was nostalgia after all. just like siwon, just like eunseo, just like everybody. maybe after all, taehyun want them all back.

“i know it’s like, crack ass in the morning but,” he begins and has to bite his own damn tongue or else he’d be stuttering. his hand clutches on the device pressed against his ear as eh continues. “remember the old studio? where we met?” that was the most cliché, cheesy rom-com movie line ever, but how else would he describe the building. “now it’s like a combo of a noodle place and a sex shop. but the rooftop’s still open.” he hopes haneul gets the hint, that rooftop was where seoul finally had a shape, a reason to be. “maybe i’m just…nostalgic but it’d be great if you’d come to see the sunrise. just…for good old day’s fucking sake. what do you think?”

“yeah, and you were supposed to be in it!” siwon replied, louder than he would have liked to admit, but he was lost in a haze of emotions and thankfully hadn’t been loud enough to disturb the environment. normally he was able to keep himself in check when it came to expressing feelings (or he liked to be), but the harshness of taehyun’s words are so foreign to him, so unfamiliar. he was hurt and all siwon wanted was his friend back. was that too much ask?

he sighed, though it came out as more of a sad chuckle when taehyun looked away, siwon looking down at the floor himself and blinking a few times to keep himself from crying. why did he already feel so emotional?

“you were supposed to be with us when we debuted. you’re the one who left and stopped talking to me, so why are you being like this?” blinking again, siwon pulled his head back up to look at taehyun, eyes pleading with him whether or not the taller decided to make eye contact. “i’ve been telling myself that you had a good reason for leaving, i’m sure you did, a-and— and i’m not mad at you for that,” siwon exhaled, lips pursing as his eyebrows furrowed into a sad expression and he continued, “but i can’t for the life of me figure out why you would just leave… us.”

looking away, siwon squeezed his eyes shut briefly and exhaled again. “maybe i am doing this for nostalgia, but were we not friends? i cared about you— i still care about you, taehyun… and i thought you cared about me too. why did you just stop talking?”

swallowing harshly, memories of the other crying flooded the back of his head. the amount of times the other had wiped his tears on taehyun’s shirt, how he would confort him throughout it and for the rest of the night. something so soft and tender as a fallen feather settled in him suddenly. he really was easy to give in. who was he kidding? he used to be a raw, hardened by his surroundings and the law of survival. he didn’t have to face that life anymore, he didn’t have to be that taehyun anymore. so why was he hiding? the plan use to have so much more sense in the plane back, why did it flutter at the sight of siwon crumbling.

taehyun was lost, suddenly empty he felt his knees buckle, so he clenched his fist. the other’s words only stung because they were said in that voice that used to accompany him everywhere, a voice that features in so many good things taehyun still has stored. he clenched his jaw also, unable to stop the other from talking, from asking. 

“don’t you think i wanted that too?” he mumbled between his teeth, eyes close shut without him noticing until he was opening them slowly. “don’t you think that after all i fucking went through, all the fucking training, all the sleepless nights and days with an empty stomach, i would do anything to be with you guys? of course i have a good reason. but i don’t want your pity, i don’t want anyone’s alms just because that happened.” sighing in frustration, his hand pushed his bangs away.

daehee had noticed taehyun’s bandages. it was difficult to not notice them in the same way that it was difficult to not notice taehyun. the bandages sent up a little flag in the back of daehee’s mind – something was wrong. not that he knew what that something was. 

daehee was still new to redlight – he didn’t have the same knowledge of the trainees like he did at wonder. there wasn’t much context for him to work with just what he knew of taehyun so far – and that was, well the other trainee was combative. that he must’ve gotten into some kind of fight seemed to be obvious.

daehee tried to continue on with his day but the bandages bothered him. he couldn’t stop wondering what was wrong. that left him distracted for much of his training sessions which wasn’t a good thing.when he saw taehyun leaving in the middle of the dance practice he quietly excused himself too saying that he needed water.

instead of heading to the water fountain to refill his water bottle daehee headed for the bathrooms where he knew taehyun probably was. his guess proved to be correct when he opened the door. daehee deposited his duffel bag on the ground pulling out the small first aid kit that he liked to keep handy.

“i thought you might need new bandages.” daehee said because he wasn’t sure that taehyun even knew who was in the bathroom with him. “and possibly some help. it can’t be easy wrapping your own knuckles.” he approached the other male half-expecting taehyun to reject his help like he did most of the time. taehyun was good at igniting all of daehee’s paternal instincts and then immediately pushing him away when he tried to offer a helping hand.

following the other as he moved towards him, taehyun let out a small laugh, with absolutely no joy in it. he just closed his eyes and let the water wash away yet more crimson. it was ought to stop at some point he just needed to wait. the laugh was more of a ‘of course it’s you’, kind of chuckle, the acknowledgment and yet the total disdain for what was about to happen, made taehyun flinch where he was standing.

brushing his bangs away with this other hand, even though it was wet as well, he met the other’s gaze on the mirror as he took out the first aid. “who the fuck carries that around.” it wasn’t even a question. of course daehee did, he didn’t earn that dadhee nickname for nothing. but it just didn’t click well with taehyun: someone coulnd’t just be so altruistic out of pure will. even though he hadn’t heard anything about daehee asking favours in exchange, that didn’t mean he couldn’t be the first. people always want shit in return, that’s one of the thousands of lessons he learned the bad way. 

so of course he rejects the other’s hand. also because physical contact doesn’t come as easy anymore. the warmth and softness are throughly missed by his own hands, but his heart locks intself in a cage of self-hate, telling him how unworthy it is. how much he doesn’t deserve anyone’s concern, even less coming from daehee, practically a stranger. he was new in the company, didn’t know what the fuck happened to the taller or his reasons why he was always pushing himself away. yet, he still was there to help him.

decypher was siwon’s home away from home, and he thought of it quite literally since his parents still lived back in japan. his members were his second family, and even those he had trained but ultimately not debuted with held a special place in his heart. taehyun had been one of them; with the both of them new to korea when they were teenagers, siwon quickly found comfort in taehyun’s friendship, and it didn’t take long for them to grow close. he cherished him, thought of him as an important person in his life, but all of that seemed to disappear when taehyun was suddenly no longer in decypher’s line up five years ago.

siwon never did find out what happened, and he certainly was never able get back in touch with taehyun despite his various attempts. he was hurt, upset, and never given the chance to confront him about it — especially not when taehyun only ever bowed to him when they would run into each other at the company building every once and awhile. even small talk barely existed between them, and each time it seemed to hurt more than the last. were they not friends? 

there was a time when siwon thought of taehyun as a brother, and definitely someone he could trust, but with each interaction since decypher’s debut, the easier it was to assume the two of them were strangers, simply coworkers. it’d been a few months, maybe even close to a year since the last time siwon had run into the other, but just letting taehyun go doesn’t sit right with him this time. they exchange bows as usual, but this time siwon went after him, catching his arm in his grasp and holding him there despite how much bigger taehyun was. 

“yah—”

he scoffed softly at the first thing he heard, glancing away briefly and licking over his lips. he didn’t continue immediately, exhaling fully before he met taehyun’s gaze and finally spoke, “when are you going to stop acting like we’re strangers? aren’t you tired?” siwon’s eyebrows furrowed and he pressed his lips together. “i’m tired, taehyun.”

that was not the right time. however, when would the right time be? taehyun had said tomorrow for an entire season, thinking that the change of weather might help his mind. but instead with the blooming flowers came more fear. of what? he also was unsure about that. it could have been pain: fear of hurting himself by hurting other like it had been happening all this time ever since he came back. fear of getting attached again, counting away the days before life put him in his place again, forcing him to cut everyone out. why were they all trying? couldn’t they see how much of a waste that was? 

taehyun moved his elbow, pushing the other’s grasp on his arm away and looking to the tainted window on his left. he took another deep inhale, eyebrows furrowing and jaw tight as the other spoke. his words should have had some sort of effect. but the wound had already been made months ago, and it was still dripping in his chest, slowly filling his ribcage and some day he wouldn’t be able to breathe anymore. he just felt cold, head spinning slightly. the usual when he was confronted with kindness. kindness which he wasn’t worth it of. 

sighing, the door closed behind his back, another man having walked before him with just as much frustration and anger as he had, but in taehyun’s case you could also name it disappointment and an unwavering want to give up. each passing day he was more convinced that the idol path wasn’t meant for him, that he just bit the bait to sign the contract, but that he will see his own hands being eaten by artrosis than debut. it was just not worth it at all. even less when the recording sessions and producing hours became a series constant fights with the producer. taehyun felt like he was letting them destroy his music, the only thing that remained in the chaos of his life. they were taking it away from him.

maybe he should just turn into a producer instead of actually debuting, maybe that was his thing. behind the scenes, not really making it to the headlines but still making a nice living out of music. that sounded so delicious it made his mouth water. but for now, he had to stick with the fights, the disagreements and the silent plead to just let him go home.

it was not easy either if you mix in the fact that he crossed path with his ex-members. he didn’t want to remember them as what they were: his family he never knew he deserved. it was less painful, easier for both parties to get over whatever happened between them. taehyun learned the bad way that if people stuck with him, they would get hurt. that’s why when he sees siwon walking down the hallway of the company building, does what he’s been doing for years, bowing a small hi and fumbling with his phone. as if he had someone to text, he made it so that he hadn’t in the first place.

the band-aids were starting to dye red again, and taehyun clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, annoyed. asking the dance instructor for a break he just pointed at his knuckles, the bandage job he had done hours prior starting to crumble. they let him leave, expression filled with worry but knowing they couldn’t do much about it. so taehyun sighed at the sudden change of air, fresher, his sweat cooling down against his skin, as he walked to the bathroom.

of course he hadn’t even thought of bringing more bandages or cotton pads or even a bandana to cover his cuts from the past night up. the fucking bastard needed a good puching session but he also knew how to avoid his fist even though he was on the floor. taehyun didnt’ feel the sting of his knuckles against the paviment until they were dripping crimson on his way back home. 

don’t get him wrong, taehyun might look like a beast but he wasn’t really one for bar fights, or drunk fights. sure, he had had his fair share of street fighting during his teenage years, but he pride himself on trying to cut bad stuff out from his life. starting with the smoking, now with the fists. but that absolute piece of shit deserved it. if there had been any way to frame him to the police as the kidnapper of all those poor girls.

however, taehyun had to admit his frustration was also fueled by the fact that he could have saved them. he could have warned them.

so he punches the counter again, marble against his “good” fist, weaker but still making every bone in his hand shake. he looks up from the faucet, droplets splashing onto the mirror, where his reflection is looking murderous. he sees flames in his own irises, nose flaring, and eyebrows furrowed. he left when the man was unconscious. taehyun hoped he’d never wake up.

it was the last time minhee was allowed to be out in public before her official debut, the last time when she would be able to go to a bar and drink with her college friends before she devotes one hundred percent of her time to her group, their promotions, and to hjh entertainment. so she had become a bit careless, drinking a little too much soju and beer while laughing with her friends, celebrating the fact that the last eight years of hard work and dedication to her training had finally paid off. 

and of course, she flirted. she allowed her seniors to buy her a drink or two and had gotten pretty close to one of the seniors in her department at k-arts. she had almost accepted his offer to go for a second round at another bar, that was until she was suddenly pulled into the embrace of a familiar face, his hand holding tightly to her waist while the other gripped her wrist with the same force. her eyes widened in surprise once she recognized who the towering figure was and although she was taken back by his sudden force, she was even more confused as to why he seemed to care so much. after all, they had only met a handful of times, nowhere near close to how he was treating her.

she relaxed when he finally released her from his hold, listening to his frustrated explanation on why she shouldn’t go. at the sheer force of his actions, minhee could only nod reluctantly at his words, biting her bottom lip once out of shame for herself once she realized the true motives of the senior after taehyun had vaguely explained it to her. “i…” the trainee was at a loss for words, the alcohol already in her system making it fairly difficult to process the full situation despite understanding that the man in front of her had indeed saved her from what could have been dangerous. looking up at him sheepishly, she asked him for clarification. “why did you do that for me? you didn’t have to–”

jesus christ she was hammered. taehyun thought as he looked up from her big pearly eyes to the other boy. it would be a matter of time until he realised the girl wasn’t following him anymore, and instead she was by one of the kids that broke his nose. “we go way back, sweetheart.” the taller boy simply added as he grabbed for her arm again. this time slowly pulling her half behind his back, hoping she could stay still. “hold onto me, you are not leaving this bar near this dude.” even though he was speaking to her, his gaze was tained to the other man, angrily stomping towards their direction.

he could explain his actions, really with a short sentence, maybe to calm her down. she was in absolutely no danger, given that if he as much as lay a finger on taehyun the police would be contacted and he would be struck down, already having squirmed away from justice for so long. the flashes of the fight dragged farther as he took a small step back, a position that would help him block or punch easier if needed. he remembered the pain in his knuckles and the inconfusible sound of a broken nose against them. the man had deserved that because he messed with too many wrong women: the wife of, the ceo of, the sister of, and a hundred etceteras. in a society where women can as much as defend themsleves by screaming, the men only could help by killing each other.

taehyun actually stepped in for spite. sick and tired of seeing so many headlines and yet no link to the man. he knew it was him, he had been a witness too many times than not. and minhee was not going to be one of those headlines, the only article tae wanted to read about her was how well she was doing with her rookie group. 

“you better turn the fuck around and leave.” he warned, completely hiding minhee behind his back. “she is with me, you sick son of a bitch.”

i said this on yichen’s blog but you know just in case! i am back! if you want a starter from this hot mess that is taehyun please like this post and ill come up with something! if you want us to plot hit me up on the dms or discord. have a nice day/night!

kyuchae didn’t go clubbing often. it just wasn’t in his nature. he found the environment too loud and the risk to his (manufactured) image a little too great. however, there weren’t a lot of lgbt friendly spaces in seoul to go that weren’t clubs or bars. and sometimes kyuchae just wanted to not think so much about how he was looking, where he was looking and keeping his sexuality under heavy lock and key. so when he was offered the chance to go to one of the few places he knew was lgbt friendly he couldn’t rightly say no.

although now that he thought about it he definitely should’ve. firstly, his tolerance for alcohol was so low he could get drunk just off smelling someone’s beer. and secondly, and far more importantly to him right now, his “friends” had all abandoned him at some point in the night leaving him alone and too drunk to drive back to the dorms. and his phone was dead. he had no idea how he was going to get back to the worldwide media dorms safely at this point. so he was  a little bit panicked.

which probably contributed to him running into someone else (well that and the alcohol still in his system). he half-expected the other male to shove him away and/or get mad at him. he was pretty sure that was what most people would do when confronted with a slightly panicked obviously drunk guy stumbling into them. he almost expected some kind of violence when the other male grabbed his arm and he flinched shutting his eyes reflexively.

“i…” kyuchae opened his eyes, the apology frozen on his tongue. that was something he wasn’t expecting. “o-okay.” he said carefully. “i’m…sorry…” he added.

that wasn’t fun. being the mum friend wasn’t something that came naturally for him, but being the sober self he was, sober and bored at that, taehyun guessed he might as well be good to the bone that night. so he grabbed the other’s lanky arm and put it around his shoulder while muttering an annoyed “the fuck are you sorry for?” his arm wrapping around a very skinny waist. that kid must have been feather-weighted which was good in case he passed out on the way to the cab. “you think you can walk, child?” he asked, eyebrows furrowed but tone still teasing, always teasing.

not waiting for an answer, the american boy started walking, with an added weight and difficulty, but steadily, all while watching to not get mugged. turning his head in case any asshole was going to take advantage of their situation, taehyun came to realise that he had seen that kid somewhere. maybe, taehyun was a little drunk after all, because up so close, he looking him up so close the lines of his face blurred out, street lamps shadowing the roundest nose and biggest eyes. they looked tired, he really hoped the kid didn’t fall asleep on him.

“come on buddy, we are getting you home.” he patted his waist at that, trying to pick up a pace that was comfortable for both of them. when they reached the entrance, not like the main entrance but the entrance before actually getting to the street (yes the club was fancy like that), taehyun spotted a family face. a small cute boy, they all were, but he had the most adorable moans when he was--

enough with that. smiling as well as he could, taehyun asked for directions to get a cab and, much to his disgust, not many taxi drivers stopped by due to the...environment of the club. spitting out curse words and thanks to the helpful guy, taehyun sighed and made him lean against the wall outside the club. “how are we holding up, kid? i can piggyback ride you to the nearest street so we can catch a cab there. are you gonna throw up on me?”

“what the fuck are you thinking?” oh taehyun didn’t like to yell. that was his father’s thing, he growled, voice low and almost half whispered. his eyes burned at the other’s as he grabbed her by the waist, his other hand finding her wrist and pushing her closer to him. blood boiling at his pulse point, mind spining and completely dumbfounded, taehyun wanted more than just a one word answer for what he just witnessed.

sure enough, there was no way she was close to him. no one was, and the aura of mystery helped his image, and also his wounded heart. however, there were some things he could just not tolerate. “listen i know he is fucking cute but, trust me.” he tried to explain his actions, dropping the hand on her waist, knowing that intimidation was not going to work. “this fucking kid is not worth it. he...fuck” dropping his other hand now, taehyun looked at the window, the night setting as the purples turned black.

“he is not a good person, i know i was friends with him. you don’t want to waste your time with him. just let him leave this bar alone okay?” and since when was taehyun her older brother? the boy sighed, brushing his hair away. “he is not taking you to a better bar, he is not being nice just because. be careful, minhee.”

knowing how much he really shouldn’t be there was what made it exciting. every single time, without a doubt. even though there hadn’t been a drink in his hand for hours now, the alcohol dissipating in nothing but mere tingles, taehyun didn’t find it in himself to be at home for his curfew. it would be the third time this week and with all the honesty he could muster, he couldn’t care less. the company was doing well enough to let him breathe a little, it’s not like taehyun was the time to cause ruckus on public areas, in fact it was funny how he hadn’t had a public scandal just yet.

probably because of his self-restriction on alcohol. mayhaps.

taehyun wasn’t also the one to just make friends like that. even less in such a setting like a downtown club, socially accepted as a LGBT+ friendly space that taehyun enjoyed from time to time. at least he didn’t get bad looks for making out with a cute boy there. however, he wasn’t feeling it that night, even after a couple of dudes have approached him, one of them even sat on his lap for fuck’s sake, he was just not in the mood.

thinking that being responsible for once would be a nice change, taehyun grabbed his things from the club’s wardrobe and made his way out. only to stumble onto someone not having the time of their life. taehyun appeared to be this rude son of a gun that would just shove the drunk boy, although tall as him, away and yell to watch where he was going. but reality is that he grabbed onto his arm with a raised eyebrow. “i know we just fucking met, mate. but i am cutting you off. you are getting home right now.”

he was in limbo. fingers pointed at him from time time to time, even though some times they were just mocking, yet he still didn’t have to cover entirely to blend out. not yet. he sighed a small puff of smoke, early april morning. the city was still yawning awake, some streets kept their lights open, other’s liked their blinds drawn up for the rising sun. and taehyun just liked to walk, maybe he’d catch a couple of hours of sleep between practices. 

the phone on his back pocket buzzed once, an alarm he had set for nothing in particular, maybe just watching the damn sunrise, maybe when he was too exhausted to remember what day it was. all taehyun wanted was either have some cutie under him, gasping as his teeth left marks all over them, or lock himself in the studio. that was his only two moods. and by the messages he left on read last night, maybe he could have both that day. 

rules were strict. and yes, made to be broken. so he dialed the contact he had saved as “sweet cheeks #3″ and waited for the other to pick up. which was unlikely but worth the try.

kang taehyun’s ( orion ) moodboard. 

theme → underco.