CHANCE

One day, I will open my eyes and I will see you lying next to me

eyes closed, breathing slowly, your hair down unto your neck

I'd look at your lips as I lean forward to kiss it.

One day, you will be within an arms reach

your soft skin against mine, your beautiful scent all over our place

I'd pull you into my grip and bury my head on your shoulders

One day, this will be in the corner, slowly turning to perfectly happen

One day, is not far away. One day, there will be no more distance.

FOREVER ∞ ALWAYS

My Love @jetismine

I promise to be there for you anytime. May it be night or day as long as you need me, no matter how far or tired I am YOU will ALWAYS come first.

I promise to understand you more in times of difficulties. I know we will have challenges that will come along but I promise that you won't face it alone because I will always be by your side.

I promise that I will protect you, help you, guide you whenever you feel the world is against you. I will be your rock and I will keep you warm and safe as long as I live.

I promise to love you for the rest of our lives until all our next. I will be loyal, faithful and just to you. I'm always grateful for your love and I will never take you for granted.

I promise to always choose you, choose us whatever happens.

As I sat here contemplating about life and how it has been for me, I always end up being grateful beyond words. I know there is a God who loves me, guides me and protects me all through out this ride. I made a goal list at the start of this year (2021) and out of 8, I was able to tick 6 of it. Simple things that I wanted to accomplish for the year and was able to make it. I am very thankful for this life because at times I still can’t believe how far I have come. It is true that I am living the life that I once dreamed of but the dream continues on.. I won’t stop, I don’t stop. 

I will continue to strive with grit and along with prayers and faith, I know I will get there. For God and by God I know I will come out winning no matter how challenging life is at times. 

You always tell me that I am capable of a lot of things but the truth is I don’t know how to do it without you. If you think that I figured things out and I have all plans laid out but I am nothing compared to you.

You are one tough of a shell to crack, a wall built to high to climb and can even take a hell of a heat but still won’t break. You have this burj-khalifa height of confidence that you use in the kindest way. And that people around you feels secured of your presence. You are the people go-to for straight up advises. You don’t stop until you have the right answers, and you don’t leave people hanging no matter how difficult the situation is. You always face challenging situations with a clear head and come up with a top-notch solution for each one.

Most of the time, You are never alone because everyone love to be around you. You’re fun, charismatic and honest. People laugh with you and you can easily disarm them with your innocent humor and because they feel safe about you that they can share what they have in their hearts. You are magical in all ways.

Yet what most dont know is that you are hard on yourself. The way you criticize yourself and how you put pressure on yourself because you wanted things done perfectly. You don’t want to wait, you rarely ask for help. You don’t depend on others and you don’t want to bother anyone. You just do it. But you don’t have to be like these all the time because I know behind those tough appearance, you are soft and vulnerable inside. You know how to hide things about you or partition the things you wanted to share to a certain group of people in your life. I don’t know how you do it but you’re amazing in handling all of these.

You are an alpha and you are my inspiration. Like I always tell you, I am your number one fan. You changed my life and my perception about it. You make me want to live more and do more. You don’t even have to ask me but I am better because of you. I want to be the best version of myself because I have you. And because you only deserve the best. I love you so much my baby. You are a gift to this world. You make this world a better place. You are a beacon of light to the people you love and to me, You are my sunshine, my source of strength. 

I never really had a chance to put into words what happened to me before. I’m opening up now not because I wanted to talk about my past, But because I’m past the regrets, point blaming and finding answers. This post is not for someone else. This post is for me and about me.

I had a long term super serious and I believed to be the relationship I will keep till the end. It was a 9year no break relationship, I was 17 that time and we were both just starting our degrees. I was happy and I know I wanna keep it till I can. Being young together and starting the relationship we had a lot of firsts, plenty of dreams and of course never ending fights. We both grow as a couple from studies to becoming employed. People look up on us cause they thought we were perfect, I thought too but it took a lot to stay and maintain the relationship. There are red flags, countless number of red flags but I never gave attention on it because I chose to stay. Our close friends knows about what’s really happening between us and family knows all about our senseless, energy draining fights. People say we were toxic and I don’t want to admit but we were, who wants to get out of something you were comfortable of? who wants to end a socially perfect relationship? I stayed but I didn’t know that staying in an unhealthy relationship will have an long term effect on me. 

Within the last years before the break up, She had an opportunity to work abroad. She kept her application from me, I was only made aware of after she had the interview. She said it will be better for the both of us to at least have a distance break because were becoming toxic and I’m telling you it hurts so bad, knowing that I always choose her no matter what but knowing that she chose otherwise hurts like hell. The LDR started and I know the moment she moved away that it would be the end, and so after 6 months on LDR we broke up. I was devastated, I went dark.

I don’t know how to handle the pain of what I’ve been going through, I had a lot of dark thoughts, anxiety attacks, I was hopeless. I find comfort from my friends and my brothers but no one can help me ease the pain. But I can’t stop the world from moving, I have to rebuild myself, I work my ass off. I sometimes go on 24 hour shifts and I don’t go on day offs. I tried being happy, I had good days but I always relapse. I thought that this will go on and I accepted that I will never find the kind of relationship like hers. But I never stopped praying for better days, to help me heal the pain. There were people who offered love and care and I thought maybe, can help me move on. I was wrong because I just hurt them too. I’m not over my past, I’m not healed and moving on should start from myself and not because of someone else. Help and inner happiness should come from within. I can’t make myself believe of something that I don’t have. So I still indulged myself to the fact that I won’t be happy anymore, and no one will make me feel that way. But I never stopped praying for complete healing as I cry myself to sleep.

After almost 5 years, 2 rebounds and never ending prayers, I found the love I chose to have and deserve and life has never been better. What I’m trying to say is, don’t give up on life because it will get better. Time will give you answers, Prayers help and mostly God never fails. If I ever gave up then I will never be this complete and happy. There are a lot of things I will miss if I ever gave up on life and I’m grateful I trusted the process. I learned to rebuild myself, help myself because no one will be there for me but me. Yes, there are bad days but there will always be better days just don’t give up.

I’m sorry for the pain that I’ve caused the 2 people who did nothing but helped me, cared for me and loved me in spite and despite of. I wish nothing but happiness and I’m thankful for your good heart and the experiences. 

Thank you 9years for the life experience, the growth and the pain. I will not know what I deserve and what I can achieve if I stayed. I wish you peace and happiness.

To my self, Thank you for not giving up no matter how much it hurts and how many set backs you had. You are stronger than what you think. Who would’ve thought you’d achieve greater things? A life that you only dreamed before? Who would’ve thought you’d make it this far? Who would’ve thought you’d be with the most beautiful girl ever? Remember that you are a warrior, a soldier with valor. Don’t be too hard on yourself, don’t stop believing. You are loved and you are inspiring. May God bless you more and more. 

I remember when I used to admire you from afar

I watch you walk around the hall, hair down and glasses bigger than your face

You have this cute height but you’re the only one I see amidst the crowd

My eyes followed your every move like a spotlight in the dark room

All I have were questions, who are you? where can I find you next? I wonder which ward are you in or do we even have common friends?

I don’t see you often but I keep on looking for the next

I know for that moment, I have the biggest crush on you

I’m inlove with your smile, those perfect set of teeth

I fell inlove with the emotions your eyes bring whenever you look at something with full attention

I know you were special because I have never felt so cold and warm at the same time whenever you looked my way.

I want to meet you, to know you and if I get lucky maybe you’d get to know me too?

I remember asking someone for your number but was declined

I was able to text you but got responded with a cold shoulder

ok, I don’t know maybe you think I’m weird

I put on a joke but you tap me with an awkward remark

ok, so maybe not that kind of humor

I ask if you can bring me some food but of course you don’t find it fair

ok, so maybe you’re not just in the mood

I ask if you can bring me home something, even the smallest, cheapest from a trip but you totally forgot about it

ok, maybe I just wasn’t clear of what I was asking for that’s why you can’t remember

I asked one of our common friends that I’m free if they’re going out to hang, I’m hopeful you’d be there. Yes, you were there but just that I never get an invite.

These are some of the few crazy things I did, like a stone I was using to hit the moon. But I will never have it in any other way.

Because one day, throw and shoot, repeat I was able to shoot the shot and life has never been this happier. 

You are my brightest star, my greatest discovery was finding you. The universe is vast but our paths aligned and I’m thankful we happened.