Flw3er

I take requests or just any ask please feel free to pop in I'd love to meet and talk to new people.

Request rules here <-

Some of my posts are 18+

who I write for (currently)

Billy the kid, Coriolanus snow, dutch van Der linde, Joel miller, and tyler Owen.

Billy the kid

Ruined by me, known forever 18+

a drunken’ gamble  18+

a little love on the side 18+

a heart to be broken 18+

my forever dove 18+

Dutch van der linde

clinging to dutch (imagine)

hand around throat (imagine)

a broken promise (FF)

Quick escape (FF)

Giving his coat (Imagine)

Under a tree

hand covering mouth (Imagine) 18+

Coriolanus snow

nothing yet!

Joel miller

Accepting grief

Tyler Owens

Promise me

No sense of safety

Sevika - arcane

“Joel!” The loud wind from the snowstorm made it impossible to understand what words were being spoken. The distance is barely visible, huddling to yourself trying to keep some warmth inside your body. You left Jackson twenty minutes ago, with the deep urge to go out and find him.

Thoughts of losing Joel makes your heart race. Both having a somewhat normal life now to experience meant everything to you.

Just ahead you see a cabin almost looking abandoned. Carefully sliding off your horse, grabbing your pistol, and quietly walking around for the back door. Noticing fresh footprints and a cracked door puts your guard up even higher than it was.

The sound of grunts and cries allows your feet to move faster. Approaching the door, leaning against it, listening for anything.

“Please dont do this!” ellie begged. 

Thoughts ran through, body still as a stone statue. Possible outcomes of how to handle the situation ran through your mind. Taking deep breaths in and gripping your gun, you opened the door, shooting anyone you saw standing up.

Aiming for anybody until you were pushed down onto the floor by a man fighting him, desperately trying to get out of his grip, kicking, wiggling, anything to escape the hold. But by the grace of God, you managed to grab a shard of glass, cutting him right through, pushing him off; his blood was now on you.

After looking at the man who just attacked you, your head turned to Joel… just barely missing the sight of the girl.

His face, his body, barely even there. Blood covered every part of his face. You were stuck, unable to move. Breathshivering, stuck. Until suddenly a loud sound happened, breaking you out of the frozen trance. Noticing the girl right before you fall onto the wooden floor.

Blinking, You turned and saw Ellie, gun raised. Watching her go to Joel, crying for him to get up. He never did, and you feel your own heart break into thousands of pieces. It wasn’t until now that your own body broke down. Falling onto your knees, tears flowing down. Nothing could ever prepare you for this.

_________________________________

It has been weeks since Joel has been gone. Which means you’ve been without him for longer than you ever have been without him. He’s not there when you wake up, he’s not there when you go to bed, and he’s not even there to visit your dreams.

‘Damn you, Joel.’ You thought. ‘you leave me, but can’t even visit me in my sleep.’

Taking a sip of the drink you held didn’t fully give you what you wanted, but it was enough for now. People’s words of sympathy and advice are all you’ve heard the past few days. You knew they were trying to help, but words never bring people back, so you just thank them and walk on off.

Many people were worried about you, though, taking to the bottle more than usual, avoiding them, and staying home. The only place you had never visited, though, was Joel’s grave. It hurt knowing he lays six feet under, looking the same way he looked on the day of. His scars and wounds still on him.

It sickened you never being able to visit him; you wouldn’t see him, only his stone. That’s why you never left to see him on the day of his funeral; you never showed. Never liking the thought of burials and how their lifeless body stayed there forever. Nobody told you how it was; they knew you didn’t wish to know.

Every topic leading to him you avoided like the plague, but the only person you ever spoke about him with was Ellie. Knowing she was just as hurt as you, allowing her to open up to you if needed. But for others, his name never existed. The fear of talking about him allows flashbacks to appear. swarming back, reliving it once more.

You’ve worn some of his clothes for his smell, but not every day due to the fear of it going away so quickly. But right now it’s eleven pm. You planning to head to the bar for a drink and wash the pain and hopefully get a good sleep tonight later on. 

Slipping on your own boots, along with his coat, you begin to make your way to the bar for a drink. The quiet sound of snow crunching beneath your feet along with the wind howling calms you down. Never have felt calm before he passed. Almost like the earth’s way of trying to soothe you and convince you to turn back home. But you never turned back home; you just kept on walking. 

Once you had arrived, you took your place at one of the stools. It was quiet aside from the small chatting from the few left behind. It’s what you needed after everything: nobody telling you they were sorry for your loss and that they were there if you needed anything. It was almost as if it was a script given to everybody for them to rehearse just for your own ears.

Memories fled back to old parties taking place, small and soft ones that were held very dearly in your heart. sharing drinks with Joel and teasing him on how he should join the others for a dance, but of course that always ends with him rejecting the idea. But the most special part of that time was when he agreed, but only if it was with you instead.

Thinking about it, that was the best dance you ever had with him. The way his one hand lay around your waist as the other held your hand, never wanting to leave the moment you felt finally safe here in Jackson with him. Wanting to spend the rest of your entire life with him, perhaps your own family, if not, then you’d possibly own a couple of dogs and cats.

Lost in your own thoughts, a tap brought you back to reality, a reality where Joel no longer existed. Looking back, you noticed one of your friends. Not really a close friend but somebody who can relate to your own pain and suffering, Lily. She too had lost somebody she loved dearly, her husband gone for about four years. She’s never said how he passed, saying it was too brutal.

“Hey, how have you been doing lately?” She asked with sincerity in her face. It felt nice knowing she too understood that hearing words of sympathy over and over can be tiring and that wanting to be asked how you were is something you wanted more.

“Not sure, really. It could be better, though.” It was all truth. You weren’t really sure how you were at this moment, but you know it’s not how you normally feel. All the mental pain that clouds over your body drains everything from you, not being able to stand or even eat at times. It kept eating at you. Nothing could help, not even tears. You refused many times to accept that Joel was gone forever.

Lily just looked at you, examining your body and face, reading you like an open book. She knew what it felt like, and she saw that somebody just like her at one time needed help just like she did. Gently she put her hand over yours, her thumb softly stroking your hand, comforting in a way you thought.

“It’s hard, I understand. You refuse to acknowledge that somebody you love deeply is gone forever, and it ruins you for days, weeks, and years.” Each word Lily spoke was filled with honesty, careful to pick the correct wording but still comforting.

Listening to her words was hard to hear, but by some means, you listened.

“If we continue to ignore what pains us, scares us. It ruins our mentality even more than the actual death, and no matter how hard you try to hide from it, it never goes away.” She was right. You tried to hide away from the facts and fear. But deep down, it was nagging at you constantly. Evening affecting your own dreams.

Taking a sip of the drink you held, you then looked at her, eyes watery, drained, and tired. “So how do I fix what pains me? What do I need to take or do so that I may get rest from this?” The desperate need to get help is what you needed the most. That day is the only memory of him that clouds you endlessly.

“It’s not easy, but you have to face whatever bothers you most. Perhaps something he owned or anything. Confronting it slowly helps you fully grasp and understand that it’s alright to move on.” Those words were all you needed to hear to realize what you had to do. Needing to visit his grave and process he’s no longer on this earth.

“How long do you think it would take for me to accept?” The fear of never accepting the loss laid upon you. Hoping if there is an afterlife, you secretly beg the spirits to help you along.

Lily softly smiled at you. “That is up for you to decide when you’re ready to accept him being gone and let it help you continue growing into somebody better than you were before. Who knows? You may accept it after a few hours or even months.” Her words processed in your brain for a moment before you understood. You realized she was giving advice to you that she was never given back then, hoping to make yours go by quicker and easier.

“I understand. Thank you, Lily. I’ll keep your words in mind and maybe try it out.” With one last sincere smile and hug, you left. It was going on at one in the morning, half of the town away and sleeping safely. While walking, you noticed you were right by the cemetery where he lays. Everything was quiet and still aside from the wind, almost as if it was telling you to enter. Perhaps it was a sign to try it out now?

Perhaps with nobody around and just you in the night and the calm cold, it would help you. As if on cue, your body automatically began its way inside the cemetery. You saw nobody aside from headstones and flowers and letters everywhere. It was almost as if everything left you inside, leaving ultimate peacefulness within you. As if you had just passed on as well.

Even though you weren’t there to see him buried, you knew where he was. You walked right up to read his headstone. “Joel Miller.” Standing there in silence, you just observed, taking in the detail of how the wood was carved. Slowly sitting on your knees, your eyes look at the flowers that lay on his spot. From so many people that may never have known him like you did but still felt the pain just as you, Tommy, and Ellie did.

Not knowing what to do, unsure if you should just look or talk, emotions overwhelming your body, tears begin to flowdown. Not a sobbing cry, a quiet and simple one. “Damn it, Joel, why did you have to try to be a hero and save somebody?” 

Even though you tried to sound angry, you couldn’t help but crack a smile out of it. He always would try to save somebody he never knew, and that’s why you loved him dearly. “You know I’ve been crazy since you’ve been gone, Joel. I’m not really sure how to act without you by my side every day.” It was the truth, hating waking up every day and not seeing him right by you still asleep.

“You go on and die without me and yet can’t even visit my own dreams. What’s up with that, Joel?” A smile still lays upon your face, the wind blowing more, moving the trees. Perhaps it’s a way of him showing you that he is laughing? Whatever sign it is, you’ll take it. Comfort from him in any form possible is what you need the most right now, and you’ll take this one too.

“Joel, you know I miss you dearly and still love you. You were the only person I’d ever want to grow old with and die with.” Silence. Nothing but your own breathing and the wind could be heard, but it was almost like a blessing. Something you’ve never had for a long time. Peace.

Peace at last laid upon you, and it felt like you were being hugged. Maybe this was a way for Joel to let you know that everything would be alright. Perhaps you finally accepted the truth that he would no longer be with you physically but still with you mentally. Cherishing this moment, you closed your eyes, picturing Joel just as he was before he was taken.

You knew now that it was time to accept him being gone, to let his spirit rest so that you both can go different ways in different universes. Before leaving, you left one of your rings that you wore every day; it was one of his favorites. commenting on how he loved how it looked on you. It was time for you to give him something to take with him on his new journey.

Slowly getting up and turning back and making your way home, you felt cleaner, calmer, and at full peace. Perhaps now Joel can be at peace now that you released your own pain. It was time to start anew and join back with others and maybe guide others who had lost someone they loved.

That night as you got ready for bed, getting all comfortable and situated, you enjoyed the feeling of being able to go to sleep like you did before, with no fear, anger, or sadness. Comfort is all you felt, and as you drifted off, you felt like Joel was right with you. And that night you had a dream with him in a beautiful garden, sunny and calming. That’s when you knew.