Fluffy Feelings

And I have my small joys. Great food at a Thai restaurant. My san pellegrino. Washing my hair. Skincare. Soft flannel PJs. Inviting a friend over and serving him tea and food. Hot pot with friends.

Work was good, I walked in to a huge line of patients waiting because it was a walk-in day, it made me anxious but I reminded myself that everyone knows walk-in entails a wait so I worked as quickly as possible without compromising my health (I actually drank water, used the bathroom, and took a break, unlike many busy shifts when I ignore all those bodily needs). My patients were very gracious and I reminded myself to slow down a few times when I caught myself rushing a bit. There are many things about that clinic I find quite frustrating but I acknowledged there are barriers to changing them and I focused on (and relished) some pleasant interactions with colleagues.

I ended work early, and walked to a bakery nearby — I was happy it wasn’t as cold as earlier in the day and the neighbourhood I walked down was gorgeous, with beautiful architecture, homes with character and cheerful lighting. I got some pastries and the commute home was nice. Unlike many other evenings, I don’t feel completely deplete of energy because I made sure to eat and drink today. I put in a load of laundry and I’m relaxing with some Italian soda and I’m going to read.

We all agreed to do this again soon. I’m getting excited thinking about inviting them over for brunch or dinner sometime. One of my major barriers to inviting people over is that I don’t have a lot of furniture but these women are very down to earth and I think they’ll enjoy a get together regardless of how bare bones my place feels and I don’t think they’ll be judgmental about that.

Yesterday was incredibly tough, an absolutely terrible argument with the ex with the heart sinking devastating realization that I can neither be friends with him, nor be in a relationship with him, nor wait around for him to change into the person I need him to be. And that realization made me feel incredibly alone. But today filled my cup and my heart is so full of love and hope. There are so many good people to spend time with and develop a relationship with. Joy and companionship and healing can come in so many forms and does not depend on my ex’s presence in my life.

I’m excited to slow it down come September - less work, more time at home, more time doing things that nourish my soul (reading, exercise, mindful movement, time with close friends, more time with family).

Life is slowly getting better. I’ve been depressed for a few months, really no motivation to cook, do laundry, or exercise, very lonely and was having a lot of conflict with my family but now I’ve moved to my own place and my relationship with my parents, brother and SIL, and cousin have improved slowly but noticeably. I’ve been trying to remind myself that the relationships I was convinced would only get worse have gotten better, to try to convince myself to have a little hope for my life again. I think I’ve been depressed/low mood for almost 2 years, living in a dark place where I was convinced everything in my life was going to shit and I had no control to make it better. The dissolution of my long-term relationship (who was my best friend), conflict with family, conflict at work, and watching helplessly as my taxes paid for a genocide all contributed to a dark head space. It got better in the winter, I had some supportive friends and exercised. Those friends distancing themselves from me and having a back injury really set me back down a dark path.

Looking back at it now, I can validate how awfully difficult and unbearable it all was. And I can notice that things have improved. I feel a tiny tinge of hope. I’ve worked hard in therapy for months. I tried dating. I’m seeking community and trying new things. And the most important change: I’m more gentle with myself. More forgiving, more validating.

A few staff are so petty and simply just deeply hate me as a person despite me putting in effort to have a respectful and collaborative and warm relationship with them from the beginning. And there is so much shaming about my way of practicing medicine. I have been crying at work and unable to eat.

I realized something today. Just because a shitty person shames me for my efforts to give patients the best care possible (and she even acknowledges that I provide good care but she just finds the way I do that annoying), doesn’t make my behaviour wrong or shameful. Their behaviour is completely demoralizing. As if the practice of medicine isn’t hard enough, to be gaslit, shamed, yelled at, gossiped about daily — that is absolutely heartbreaking and I’m completely burnt out from it.