fluff

You greeted me. I shouldn’t have replied, but guilt took over, so I did. End of conversation. End of the sudden alert in my system. I don’t want to go back to how I used to feel before. I even begged through messages—I didn’t deserve that. Because if you really thought of me, we would have compromised. We would have been okay.

It felt like a stab to my heart that I settled for that. I even had an overthinking thought—why did you message me on iMessage and not on Messenger? Was it because you knew I was deactivated, that I didn’t have social media? But life is full of surprises, isn’t it? Same reaction, but this time, only minimal alert in my system.

You could’ve just wished me a happy birthday. That’s it. No need for a long or even semi-long message. I used to wish—every time I had the chance—that we could continue what was interrupted, but in better versions of ourselves. But some wishes don’t really happen. Maybe it’s redirection… or just delay? Jk. Asang-asa yarn?? HAHA.

But yeah, seriously—I prayed, wished on stars, on wishing wells, even followed that saying about making a wish the first time you visit a church… hoping there would be a continuation.

Now, I pray that I’m healing. I’ve stopped wishing and praying for “us” to happen again. My life now—I can say I’m getting there, becoming better. Ayoko na masaktan. Ayoko na, at all. Ayoko na ng kahit ano na related sa’yo. If I can avoid it, I will. If I can leave, I will. I’ll do anything just so I won’t remember you.

Okay na ‘yun. Okay na okay na ako sa seven years. Masaya naman—nakakakilig, nakakatuwa, nakakalungkot, nakakagalit. Lahat. Some things are just meant to end there. Hindi na ipipilit. Tapos na. The end.

Kaya pinapalaya ko na ang isip na may naghihintay pang “tayo”—ikaw at ako. Hanggang doon na lang ‘yun. At least, kahit papaano, nag-exist ang Baba at Chinwy, ang R at F, ang umamin sa “Coco,” at ang mga pangarap na binuo para sa future—para sa kasal at mga anak.

Hanggang dito na lang. Ciao! ~

The day I realized that I can’t control everything.

I want to let go of the thought that things will happen simply because I wish for them with all my heart. Some things, no matter how badly we want them, are never meant to unfold the way we imagine.

I’ve already raised my white flag and accepted defeat. I’m deleting everything. Yes, it’s that time.

I never thought it would come to this. No more struggling. No more holding on.

You’re happy with someone else. And me? I’m still here in the restaurant, waiting for the bill so I can finally leave. For a moment, I thought I could stay longer and keep ordering food just to delay the inevitable. But how can I stay when I’m the only one here, enjoying my own company and keeping myself occupied?

Today, I finally asked for the bill and am now waiting for it to be settled. It’s long overdue.

Still, I leave with gratitude and valuable lessons learned. Every experience, no matter how painful, has taught me something. One more blow, and everything might come crashing down. Although some parts have already been cleared away, there are still a few things left in the process of being cleaned up.

Maybe that's what healing looks like—not an instant transformation, but a gradual process of letting go, clearing space, and accepting what is.

Three months of 2026 have already passed. Life has been good so far—minus the stress, frustrations, and occasional overthinking. The past few months have been busy: working day and night, doing overtime, and just trying to keep up with everything. But life still happened in between all of that. I went to Hong Kong, I went to Palawan, and I even hit my first PR in my 5K run. Small wins, but they mean a lot to me. Maybe this is what my healing and striving era looks like.

Now I want to enter my solo date era (sana kayanin ko) because at the end of the day, I’m just a girl 🥹👉🏻👈🏻. I want to try those solo date ideas—going out alone, trying new hobbies, and getting to know myself more.

There are still little flashbacks sometimes. It’s been a year, and I can honestly say I’m proud of myself. Last year, all I wanted to do was cry and talk to you. But now things are different. There’s no more “you.” I’ve started deleting our photos. Sometimes I still see your messages in the group chat or in other people’s stories, and that’s when I realized that you own your time and I own mine. We both have our own freedom now—the perks of being single, I guess.

Some photos I still keep. I’m planning to save them in an SSD someday just to store the memories. Because at the end of the day, you’re now just an old memory and one of the greatest lessons in my life. And no, these aren’t sad tears anymore. They’re happy tears because I’ve accepted it and I’m okay. I’m still in the process of healing, but I’m glad I can function again. Less relapse these days too, though sometimes I’m still a little bitter about life haha. Reality check!! 😜

On to the next! ☁️

Christmas vibes. Christmas lights. Last year, we were busy doing Christmas stuff, but now I’m all alone. And it’s okay. I’m okay.

Cutting ties with friends—nope. I’m still having a hard time with that, but I’m working on it. I want to focus on myself and stop featuring you in my life. Before, I struggled to say no because whenever you asked, I would cancel my plans just for you. But lately, life has been tiring. I just want to be a taong-bahay—sleeping, watching vlogs, and doing simple things. I’ll only go outside for errands or travel.

I want to try pickleball. I even want to try driving a speed car—jk. Since I’m not really a sporty girl, I just want to try new things. But we won’t break the no-contact rule just because Christmas and New Year are coming. It’s the last month of the year, and I’m hoping good things will happen. No more plot twists. I just want to be happy and have peace of mind.

A jolly Christmas! ~

It’s been two months since I last wrote. It’s 2:22 AM, and a lot has happened.

First was seeing you again last month — and honestly, all I can say is… “huh?”

That little chit chat meant nothing. The follow-up conversation felt the same. And then you stopped replying. I guess that’s really it. Because if someone wants to stay, they will — even when it’s hard. Pero I guess tapos na talaga. THE END.

Then I flew to TWN — the place I once wanted to visit with you. I even went to the home branch of CoCo 🧋 because that’s where everything started. Lastly, after meeting some friends and hearing a few updates about you, I realized the same thing: you can talk to them anytime if you wanted to. But our conversation stopped. And that says everything.

But it’s not like I hoped anyway. It was just a short catch-up with an old friend.

So what’s on my mind now? I think… you just don’t like me. The negative thoughts pile up, telling me you never wanted me, never liked me in the first place. And maybe that’s the truth. Relapses still happen, but the effect isn’t as strong anymore.

Seven years, and here I am on my ninth month trying to move on.

But I’m focusing more on myself now. I want to heal.

Sometimes I dream of you — but they’re just dreams. They don’t happen… or sometimes they do, just in other forms. I can’t say I’m happy, but I’m okay. Barely surviving, but surviving.

Christmas is in a month, and honestly, my only wish is to forget and to heal. No material things. Just that.

2025 has been full of suffering.

I just want to be happy in 2026.

No more you.

If that could be on a wishlist, I’d ask for it — hoping someone could grant it. Haha. Kidding.

Ciao, on to the next one ✨

They say BER months are the ones with plot twists. I’m trying to behave as much as I can, but I halfway expected that news. At first, I was surprised, but I learned to just let things be. I’m not OA-ed anymore, and mas ito pa yung gusto kong iyakan, ’cause whenever I hear something related to you, it makes me relapse. I’m 1/4 improving on this journey. Crying? Yes. BUT tears of joy, as I’m proud of myself.

To my future Conrad Fisher, I know you’re there chilling. I do hope we meet soonest. The idea of having a Conrad Fisher in life is the one that makes me kilig. But it’s just the idea lang, HAHAHA.

Life lately has been a mix of highs and lows — like waves that sometimes lift me up and sometimes pull me under. There are still moments when your name catches me off guard. Not in the way it once did, not with the same intensity, but enough to remind me of what was.

Every now and then, I come across our photos. I don’t hate seeing them, but sometimes the timing feels off, and I find myself deleting a few. Strangely, some still remain in my favorites — and that’s okay. Months has passed, and with it, memories slowly blur, softening until they’re almost gone. Yet deep down, I believe the heart never truly forgets. It simply learns to carry the thought of you more quietly.

There are days when I wish I could just skip ahead to the part where everything makes sense, where everything feels settled. Being the third wheel has been harder than I expected — maybe because I was so used to being alone, or simply being with you. This “in-between” isn’t easy. Life has handed me some low moments lately, but I remind myself: that’s part of the journey. I need to fuel my own motivation and keep going.

In a way, ghosting has become my coping mechanism. It feels manageable — until it doesn’t. Until you’re okay again.

But here’s the brighter side: I’m learning to embrace this season of solitude. This chapter of being alone — and genuinely happy. I’ve discovered so many things I never thought I could do, and that feels like a quiet kind of victory.

If life allows, if wishes align, I’d still choose you. But if not, that’s okay. Sometimes the things we don’t get are simply life’s way of guiding us toward something greater.

It’s been six months—half a year, should I say. I’m doing well, from what I can tell. Life has so much to offer, and I’m finally starting to see things clearly. I’ve been so strong these past few days, stronger than I ever thought I could be. I’m being independent for now, and I know sometimes I suck at it—but at least I’m learning. It’s important to stand up again and bounce back.

I’m still struggling. I wanted to fix everything on my own before asking anyone for help. Six months, and it’s still you. I wish this feeling would just go away—but it hasn’t. Little by little, though, the thought of you is starting to fade. I hate you. I hated you for leaving.

F*ck, I was there for you at your lowest—I encouraged you to get back on track and kept you motivated. Then you left me when I was at mine. I didn’t need just anyone. I needed you—when I was struggling with work, with life, with everything.

Now you’re in a new environment, with new people, in a new place. How do you walk away without feeling any guilt? Seven years. You made me feel like it was us against the world, like we could overcome anything as long as we had each other. And now you’re out there, living your best life, damn happy without me.

I hope you’re regretting it now. “Sana multuhin ka din kung gaano ako laging minumulto ng presensya mo.”

I don’t want to be mad—but damn, these realizations hit hard.

Still, above all, I wish you well. Even when things are so damn hard, I believe there’s still good in everything.

Right now, I just want peace of mind and healing. ❤️‍🩹 Hoping for better days.

There are moments when I feel like I’m crashing again — but I remind myself that I can handle it.

I just need to slow down.

“Breathe in… and out.”

It helps.

This isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way, and maybe it won’t be the last.

Still, I’m not entirely sure what to do right now.

Should I greet him?

Do I really need to?

Or have I already said enough?

I gave the cake — a quiet, final act of love.

That felt like closure, in its own way.

But part of me still wonders.

Life hasn’t been easy lately. It feels heavy at times.

But I’m holding onto hope — for the future, for brighter and more peaceful days.

I just want to feel genuinely happy again.

Will I regret not reaching out?

Or will I feel more at peace if I let it be — especially knowing he chose to stop communicating in the first place?

I’m learning to sit with these questions without rushing the answers.

One breath at a time.

Right now, all I can think about is focusing on myself and my healing.

Although there are still moments of crashing and relapse, it’s been a week since we parted ways, and I know I’m doing well. I just really needed that good cry last Tuesday.

Things have started to change. I even tried deleting our photos so they wouldn’t haunt me. I also tried to remove everything that would keep reminding me of you.

When everything feels like it’s falling apart, I know I have friends who will guide me—and I’m so thankful for that.

Finally, things are starting to feel lighter. The crying sessions are becoming less frequent. I’m beginning to open up and feel free on my own.

I should be happy. I deserve to grow.

Things didn’t turn out the way they were supposed to, but sometimes life redirects you—and that can be a good thing.

That last talk and cry about him was worth it.

The pain I’ve felt is still here, but I know I will overcome it. I’ve already felt the pain. I’m still feeling it. It still hurts—but I’ve accepted it.

Now, all I can say is: I might stumble again, I might crash again—but that’s part of the process.

And I’m looking forward to getting better.

To being happy again.

I need to help myself rise from the past that keeps haunting me.

All for you, self first.

Prioritize happiness. Prioritize yourself. 🤍

Manifested July — I hoped it would be free from relapse, but we’re only on the 8th day, and already, so much has happened. From an Emergency Room visit, to mixed signals that shouldn’t have been sent. From an approved visa to so many overwhelming things. I just wanted to be free from pain — kahit na ang labo. I wanted clarity.

Sabi nga sa nabasa ko: “Sometimes, you don’t need closure to understand things.” But in my case, closure already happened — and so did we.

I just want to know why.

Why did we need to talk?

Why say you’re grateful?

There are why's…

I get it — we’re not really meant for each other. But on a deeper level, if you ask me, I still feel we are. And I/we would’ve kept fighting for this love. But in reality, that’s not what’s happening. Life keeps testing us.

I’ve been quiet. I’ve had so many relapses I’ve lost count. It’s a cycle:

Disappointments in February.

Endless crying in March.

Grieving in April.

Silence in May.

Mixed emotions in June.

It’s draining. Nakakapagod.

I used to believe that love — just love — was enough. That if you truly loved each other, it would work out. But love isn’t like that. You learn to let go of the things you can’t control, for your own benefit. For growth.

And I used to call that “bullshit growth,” because I thought if there’s love, it’s all that matters. But now I understand — it’s all part of a relationship.

Seven years.

I wanted to fight for us. But not anymore. Because I know now — you were never going to fight for us.

Sabi ko nga, masochist yata ako. Kahit ang sakit-sakit na, I would’ve still accepted you.

So to you my dearest C,

I loved you. I accepted you.

But our time is up.

Things have changed — and I believe our feelings have, too.

Since last May, I’ve been trying to accept that some things just aren’t meant to be. I’m still grieving, still stuck, but I’m looking forward, even just a little.

Then June came — you greeted me like nothing happened, and I didn’t know what we were anymore. I cried on my birthday. I even wished you’d come back to me. Didn’t happen. Haha. Maybe it just wasn’t a doable wish. Should’ve wished for 1M cash instead, right?

Then came the wedding. I tried to stay chill, but you kept assisting, kept following me. I didn’t want to read too much into it.

And now it’s July.

We’re stuck.

Or maybe it’s just me.

I’m stuck.

I want to move forward.

But something — maybe you — keeps pulling me back.

I hope whatever we’re going to talk about… I hope it brings healing. I hope it helps us both.

Ciao for now, my first love. 👋🏻

It’s been almost a month since we last talked, and I’m okay. So far, I’ve been feeling better. There are times when I feel really down, but that’s okay — healing is not linear. I’ve started doing things on my own, and I’m actually enjoying the art of being alone. Life has been a roller coaster, and I’m glad I made it through that thrilling ride.

Still, there are moments when I feel scared and uncertain about what to do. But since I don’t have much of a choice, I know I have to make decisions for myself.

There were times when your presence kept lingering in my mind. As much as I wanted to avoid it, I still felt it — but it’s just temporary. A friend once told me, “Sige lang, magpalugmok ka lang sa lungkot, lilipas din ’yan.” And I think that’s true enough. Because once you get through it, you’re done — and there’s no turning back.

A little pat on the shoulder — you’ve held on for so long, and you’ve been so strong in overcoming things that were really hard. 🥹 Those little tears? They’re okay. It’s okay to cry.

The journey is still long, but progress, no matter how small, is still progress — right? I’m grateful to be surrounded by friends who stick with me and support me, even through all my random mess. I just need to keep working on myself a little more.