You greeted me. I shouldn’t have replied, but guilt took over, so I did. End of conversation. End of the sudden alert in my system. I don’t want to go back to how I used to feel before. I even begged through messages—I didn’t deserve that. Because if you really thought of me, we would have compromised. We would have been okay.

It felt like a stab to my heart that I settled for that. I even had an overthinking thought—why did you message me on iMessage and not on Messenger? Was it because you knew I was deactivated, that I didn’t have social media? But life is full of surprises, isn’t it? Same reaction, but this time, only minimal alert in my system.

You could’ve just wished me a happy birthday. That’s it. No need for a long or even semi-long message. I used to wish—every time I had the chance—that we could continue what was interrupted, but in better versions of ourselves. But some wishes don’t really happen. Maybe it’s redirection… or just delay? Jk. Asang-asa yarn?? HAHA.

But yeah, seriously—I prayed, wished on stars, on wishing wells, even followed that saying about making a wish the first time you visit a church… hoping there would be a continuation.

Now, I pray that I’m healing. I’ve stopped wishing and praying for “us” to happen again. My life now—I can say I’m getting there, becoming better. Ayoko na masaktan. Ayoko na, at all. Ayoko na ng kahit ano na related sa’yo. If I can avoid it, I will. If I can leave, I will. I’ll do anything just so I won’t remember you.

Okay na ‘yun. Okay na okay na ako sa seven years. Masaya naman—nakakakilig, nakakatuwa, nakakalungkot, nakakagalit. Lahat. Some things are just meant to end there. Hindi na ipipilit. Tapos na. The end.

Kaya pinapalaya ko na ang isip na may naghihintay pang “tayo”—ikaw at ako. Hanggang doon na lang ‘yun. At least, kahit papaano, nag-exist ang Baba at Chinwy, ang R at F, ang umamin sa “Coco,” at ang mga pangarap na binuo para sa future—para sa kasal at mga anak.

Hanggang dito na lang. Ciao! ~

The day I realized that I can’t control everything.

I want to let go of the thought that things will happen simply because I wish for them with all my heart. Some things, no matter how badly we want them, are never meant to unfold the way we imagine.

I’ve already raised my white flag and accepted defeat. I’m deleting everything. Yes, it’s that time.

I never thought it would come to this. No more struggling. No more holding on.

You’re happy with someone else. And me? I’m still here in the restaurant, waiting for the bill so I can finally leave. For a moment, I thought I could stay longer and keep ordering food just to delay the inevitable. But how can I stay when I’m the only one here, enjoying my own company and keeping myself occupied?

Today, I finally asked for the bill and am now waiting for it to be settled. It’s long overdue.

Still, I leave with gratitude and valuable lessons learned. Every experience, no matter how painful, has taught me something. One more blow, and everything might come crashing down. Although some parts have already been cleared away, there are still a few things left in the process of being cleaned up.

Maybe that's what healing looks like—not an instant transformation, but a gradual process of letting go, clearing space, and accepting what is.

Three months of 2026 have already passed. Life has been good so far—minus the stress, frustrations, and occasional overthinking. The past few months have been busy: working day and night, doing overtime, and just trying to keep up with everything. But life still happened in between all of that. I went to Hong Kong, I went to Palawan, and I even hit my first PR in my 5K run. Small wins, but they mean a lot to me. Maybe this is what my healing and striving era looks like.

Now I want to enter my solo date era (sana kayanin ko) because at the end of the day, I’m just a girl 🥹👉🏻👈🏻. I want to try those solo date ideas—going out alone, trying new hobbies, and getting to know myself more.

There are still little flashbacks sometimes. It’s been a year, and I can honestly say I’m proud of myself. Last year, all I wanted to do was cry and talk to you. But now things are different. There’s no more “you.” I’ve started deleting our photos. Sometimes I still see your messages in the group chat or in other people’s stories, and that’s when I realized that you own your time and I own mine. We both have our own freedom now—the perks of being single, I guess.

Some photos I still keep. I’m planning to save them in an SSD someday just to store the memories. Because at the end of the day, you’re now just an old memory and one of the greatest lessons in my life. And no, these aren’t sad tears anymore. They’re happy tears because I’ve accepted it and I’m okay. I’m still in the process of healing, but I’m glad I can function again. Less relapse these days too, though sometimes I’m still a little bitter about life haha. Reality check!! 😜

On to the next! ☁️

Christmas vibes. Christmas lights. Last year, we were busy doing Christmas stuff, but now I’m all alone. And it’s okay. I’m okay.

Cutting ties with friends—nope. I’m still having a hard time with that, but I’m working on it. I want to focus on myself and stop featuring you in my life. Before, I struggled to say no because whenever you asked, I would cancel my plans just for you. But lately, life has been tiring. I just want to be a taong-bahay—sleeping, watching vlogs, and doing simple things. I’ll only go outside for errands or travel.

I want to try pickleball. I even want to try driving a speed car—jk. Since I’m not really a sporty girl, I just want to try new things. But we won’t break the no-contact rule just because Christmas and New Year are coming. It’s the last month of the year, and I’m hoping good things will happen. No more plot twists. I just want to be happy and have peace of mind.

A jolly Christmas! ~

It’s been two months since I last wrote. It’s 2:22 AM, and a lot has happened.

First was seeing you again last month — and honestly, all I can say is… “huh?”

That little chit chat meant nothing. The follow-up conversation felt the same. And then you stopped replying. I guess that’s really it. Because if someone wants to stay, they will — even when it’s hard. Pero I guess tapos na talaga. THE END.

Then I flew to TWN — the place I once wanted to visit with you. I even went to the home branch of CoCo 🧋 because that’s where everything started. Lastly, after meeting some friends and hearing a few updates about you, I realized the same thing: you can talk to them anytime if you wanted to. But our conversation stopped. And that says everything.

But it’s not like I hoped anyway. It was just a short catch-up with an old friend.

So what’s on my mind now? I think… you just don’t like me. The negative thoughts pile up, telling me you never wanted me, never liked me in the first place. And maybe that’s the truth. Relapses still happen, but the effect isn’t as strong anymore.

Seven years, and here I am on my ninth month trying to move on.

But I’m focusing more on myself now. I want to heal.

Sometimes I dream of you — but they’re just dreams. They don’t happen… or sometimes they do, just in other forms. I can’t say I’m happy, but I’m okay. Barely surviving, but surviving.

Christmas is in a month, and honestly, my only wish is to forget and to heal. No material things. Just that.

2025 has been full of suffering.

I just want to be happy in 2026.

No more you.

If that could be on a wishlist, I’d ask for it — hoping someone could grant it. Haha. Kidding.

Ciao, on to the next one ✨

They say BER months are the ones with plot twists. I’m trying to behave as much as I can, but I halfway expected that news. At first, I was surprised, but I learned to just let things be. I’m not OA-ed anymore, and mas ito pa yung gusto kong iyakan, ’cause whenever I hear something related to you, it makes me relapse. I’m 1/4 improving on this journey. Crying? Yes. BUT tears of joy, as I’m proud of myself.

To my future Conrad Fisher, I know you’re there chilling. I do hope we meet soonest. The idea of having a Conrad Fisher in life is the one that makes me kilig. But it’s just the idea lang, HAHAHA.

Life lately has been a mix of highs and lows — like waves that sometimes lift me up and sometimes pull me under. There are still moments when your name catches me off guard. Not in the way it once did, not with the same intensity, but enough to remind me of what was.

Every now and then, I come across our photos. I don’t hate seeing them, but sometimes the timing feels off, and I find myself deleting a few. Strangely, some still remain in my favorites — and that’s okay. Months has passed, and with it, memories slowly blur, softening until they’re almost gone. Yet deep down, I believe the heart never truly forgets. It simply learns to carry the thought of you more quietly.

There are days when I wish I could just skip ahead to the part where everything makes sense, where everything feels settled. Being the third wheel has been harder than I expected — maybe because I was so used to being alone, or simply being with you. This “in-between” isn’t easy. Life has handed me some low moments lately, but I remind myself: that’s part of the journey. I need to fuel my own motivation and keep going.

In a way, ghosting has become my coping mechanism. It feels manageable — until it doesn’t. Until you’re okay again.

But here’s the brighter side: I’m learning to embrace this season of solitude. This chapter of being alone — and genuinely happy. I’ve discovered so many things I never thought I could do, and that feels like a quiet kind of victory.

If life allows, if wishes align, I’d still choose you. But if not, that’s okay. Sometimes the things we don’t get are simply life’s way of guiding us toward something greater.