#pepperred

It was a mix of emotions, but somehow, I felt peace. Life has been full of downs lately. As much as I want to rely on someone and tell them everything, I won’t. I have to face this alone so I can grow and become independent.

Deactivating wasn’t so bad after all. In some ways, it healed me. Social media became stressful and draining for me, and now I’m slowly learning how to keep going. All the failures I’ve been through are teaching me lessons one by one. I don’t have to worry anymore about what other people are doing—the art of mawalan ng pakialam. Though sometimes, I still miss it a little. But maybe it’s better if I just focus on healing, right?

After everything that has happened, I have to stay strong and keep my walls up high. I’m okay with talking to only 2–3 friends and replying late. Socializing drains me now. It’s no longer my forte. I’ve become too shy to talk to people and too scared to tell my story because I feel like they’ve already heard enough. So most of the time, I just keep things to myself. Crying somehow eases the pain.

I’m sorry, self. I promise to take care of you. When everything else starts crashing down, I’ll be the one to save you. I’m thankful that I still have a few people I can safely rant to—people who won’t judge me.

Last week was a mess. I experienced anxiety and felt my emotions completely overwhelm me. I felt so helpless. I even cried out loud because it hurt so much. I felt like I was drowning, but thankfully, my friends and parents were there for me.

My parents used to say that even though I wasn’t fond of sharing stories, I was still talkative. I guess something really changed, no? I’m not the same person anymore—the loud one who shared every little detail of every story. Sometimes I miss that version of me too. But I’m learning to be okay with this version of myself. Sometimes I feel like sharing my problems just becomes an ear sore for others. They don’t need to worry about me anymore because I’m doing fine. Bed-rotting every weekend when there’s no work, going out once or twice—that’s basically it.

Eight years. Tomorrow should’ve been our eighth year, but I believe God has other plans for me. Before, I used to dream of having a relationship that would last 10 years or more. Maybe because it felt like being deeply loved and content with someone. But right now, all I want is to be happy and fully healed. I’m no longer looking for a relationship because I can’t imagine putting myself in that situation again—crying nonstop? Haha.

Sometimes I still wonder when I’ll finally be able to delete the photos. They’re still here. But I’m no longer holding on to them the same way. It lasted long, and there are still days when flashbacks happen, but I’m okay. We even met after the breakup, and you seemed happy. If we ever meet again—which I honestly don’t see happening anymore haha—I just hope you’re happy.

Three months of 2026 have already passed. Life has been good so far—minus the stress, frustrations, and occasional overthinking. The past few months have been busy: working day and night, doing overtime, and just trying to keep up with everything. But life still happened in between all of that. I went to Hong Kong, I went to Palawan, and I even hit my first PR in my 5K run. Small wins, but they mean a lot to me. Maybe this is what my healing and striving era looks like.

Now I want to enter my solo date era (sana kayanin ko) because at the end of the day, I’m just a girl 🥹👉🏻👈🏻. I want to try those solo date ideas—going out alone, trying new hobbies, and getting to know myself more.

There are still little flashbacks sometimes. It’s been a year, and I can honestly say I’m proud of myself. Last year, all I wanted to do was cry and talk to you. But now things are different. There’s no more “you.” I’ve started deleting our photos. Sometimes I still see your messages in the group chat or in other people’s stories, and that’s when I realized that you own your time and I own mine. We both have our own freedom now—the perks of being single, I guess.

Some photos I still keep. I’m planning to save them in an SSD someday just to store the memories. Because at the end of the day, you’re now just an old memory and one of the greatest lessons in my life. And no, these aren’t sad tears anymore. They’re happy tears because I’ve accepted it and I’m okay. I’m still in the process of healing, but I’m glad I can function again. Less relapse these days too, though sometimes I’m still a little bitter about life haha. Reality check!! 😜

On to the next! ☁️

Christmas vibes. Christmas lights. Last year, we were busy doing Christmas stuff, but now I’m all alone. And it’s okay. I’m okay.

Cutting ties with friends—nope. I’m still having a hard time with that, but I’m working on it. I want to focus on myself and stop featuring you in my life. Before, I struggled to say no because whenever you asked, I would cancel my plans just for you. But lately, life has been tiring. I just want to be a taong-bahay—sleeping, watching vlogs, and doing simple things. I’ll only go outside for errands or travel.

I want to try pickleball. I even want to try driving a speed car—jk. Since I’m not really a sporty girl, I just want to try new things. But we won’t break the no-contact rule just because Christmas and New Year are coming. It’s the last month of the year, and I’m hoping good things will happen. No more plot twists. I just want to be happy and have peace of mind.

A jolly Christmas! ~

It’s been two months since I last wrote. It’s 2:22 AM, and a lot has happened.

First was seeing you again last month — and honestly, all I can say is… “huh?”

That little chit chat meant nothing. The follow-up conversation felt the same. And then you stopped replying. I guess that’s really it. Because if someone wants to stay, they will — even when it’s hard. Pero I guess tapos na talaga. THE END.

Then I flew to TWN — the place I once wanted to visit with you. I even went to the home branch of CoCo 🧋 because that’s where everything started. Lastly, after meeting some friends and hearing a few updates about you, I realized the same thing: you can talk to them anytime if you wanted to. But our conversation stopped. And that says everything.

But it’s not like I hoped anyway. It was just a short catch-up with an old friend.

So what’s on my mind now? I think… you just don’t like me. The negative thoughts pile up, telling me you never wanted me, never liked me in the first place. And maybe that’s the truth. Relapses still happen, but the effect isn’t as strong anymore.

Seven years, and here I am on my ninth month trying to move on.

But I’m focusing more on myself now. I want to heal.

Sometimes I dream of you — but they’re just dreams. They don’t happen… or sometimes they do, just in other forms. I can’t say I’m happy, but I’m okay. Barely surviving, but surviving.

Christmas is in a month, and honestly, my only wish is to forget and to heal. No material things. Just that.

2025 has been full of suffering.

I just want to be happy in 2026.

No more you.

If that could be on a wishlist, I’d ask for it — hoping someone could grant it. Haha. Kidding.

Ciao, on to the next one ✨

They say BER months are the ones with plot twists. I’m trying to behave as much as I can, but I halfway expected that news. At first, I was surprised, but I learned to just let things be. I’m not OA-ed anymore, and mas ito pa yung gusto kong iyakan, ’cause whenever I hear something related to you, it makes me relapse. I’m 1/4 improving on this journey. Crying? Yes. BUT tears of joy, as I’m proud of myself.

To my future Conrad Fisher, I know you’re there chilling. I do hope we meet soonest. The idea of having a Conrad Fisher in life is the one that makes me kilig. But it’s just the idea lang, HAHAHA.

Life lately has been a mix of highs and lows — like waves that sometimes lift me up and sometimes pull me under. There are still moments when your name catches me off guard. Not in the way it once did, not with the same intensity, but enough to remind me of what was.

Every now and then, I come across our photos. I don’t hate seeing them, but sometimes the timing feels off, and I find myself deleting a few. Strangely, some still remain in my favorites — and that’s okay. Months has passed, and with it, memories slowly blur, softening until they’re almost gone. Yet deep down, I believe the heart never truly forgets. It simply learns to carry the thought of you more quietly.

There are days when I wish I could just skip ahead to the part where everything makes sense, where everything feels settled. Being the third wheel has been harder than I expected — maybe because I was so used to being alone, or simply being with you. This “in-between” isn’t easy. Life has handed me some low moments lately, but I remind myself: that’s part of the journey. I need to fuel my own motivation and keep going.

In a way, ghosting has become my coping mechanism. It feels manageable — until it doesn’t. Until you’re okay again.

But here’s the brighter side: I’m learning to embrace this season of solitude. This chapter of being alone — and genuinely happy. I’ve discovered so many things I never thought I could do, and that feels like a quiet kind of victory.

If life allows, if wishes align, I’d still choose you. But if not, that’s okay. Sometimes the things we don’t get are simply life’s way of guiding us toward something greater.

It’s been six months—half a year, should I say. I’m doing well, from what I can tell. Life has so much to offer, and I’m finally starting to see things clearly. I’ve been so strong these past few days, stronger than I ever thought I could be. I’m being independent for now, and I know sometimes I suck at it—but at least I’m learning. It’s important to stand up again and bounce back.

I’m still struggling. I wanted to fix everything on my own before asking anyone for help. Six months, and it’s still you. I wish this feeling would just go away—but it hasn’t. Little by little, though, the thought of you is starting to fade. I hate you. I hated you for leaving.

F*ck, I was there for you at your lowest—I encouraged you to get back on track and kept you motivated. Then you left me when I was at mine. I didn’t need just anyone. I needed you—when I was struggling with work, with life, with everything.

Now you’re in a new environment, with new people, in a new place. How do you walk away without feeling any guilt? Seven years. You made me feel like it was us against the world, like we could overcome anything as long as we had each other. And now you’re out there, living your best life, damn happy without me.

I hope you’re regretting it now. “Sana multuhin ka din kung gaano ako laging minumulto ng presensya mo.”

I don’t want to be mad—but damn, these realizations hit hard.

Still, above all, I wish you well. Even when things are so damn hard, I believe there’s still good in everything.

Right now, I just want peace of mind and healing. ❤️‍🩹 Hoping for better days.