Essex

New year. 

So, I'm absolutely determined to make 2020 the best year. 

I'm not going to let my mental health take the front seat. 

 I'm going to be there for my friends, be happy and positive, and not be over bearing. 

Happy New year. Let's see how this goes xxxx

Here we go. 

Still in my isolation over the holidays. Its still going OK, but as time goes on, it's getting a bit more difficult. 

 I want to know that my friends are doing well, that they are excited for Xmas and know that I still care. 

 Only a week to go. Xx

https://youtu.be/dLnQS3tYP28

So, it's Xmas time and it's the most difficult time of the year for me. It reminds me of the worst abuse and neglect that I received as a child. My mum and partner would drink really heavily, constantly arguing leaving me with little sleep, and me being physically abused if I tried to stop it. 

 It always reminds me of all abuse I witnessed and received, and that I had no childhood. Due to my guardians heavy drinking, I had to give up a massive amount of my childhood from the age of 7 to look after my little brother. I never had friends, and the very few I did, I could not connect with them because It was always drummed into me on fear of violence that I should not tell anyone. So when my friends would talk about happy times, I had to keep quiet. It was so punishing because I could never relate with anyone. It made me feel so isolated and alone. I had to live with this, and never share any of it. 

 When my mum attempted suicide over Xmas one year, I had to go back to school, and pretend nothing ever happened. 

 With the level of extreme violence, and social isolation, it has lead me to a situation where forming relationships with people is extremely challenging and difficult. I can find it very difficult to show empathy, or know what are acceptable boundaries in a relationship. 

 This is very much true when it comes to people that I really like and get on with. I have to contend with a constant fear that they will abandon me, that they secretly hate me and will hurt me, even though there is no evidence that they will do that. This fear is constant and exhausting. Its not just for me, but for the people I'm close to. My mental health can become so consuming that it becomes everything, and that it consumes my friendships. 

 Saying that since I have been really struggling with my mental health since my relationship ended with Tilly ended, I am in the best shape I have been. 

I have been working really hard to identify triggers, my weak points and try to work on them. 

 The biggest thing I have learned is that when I do feel really consumed with intrusive thoughts or emotions, is that there is nothing that my friends can do or say that can make me feel better. They can't fix what's happened in the past or change how my personality reacts to such events. Dragging them into it, only serves to bring them into my world, for no benefit and just upsets them. They will always be there for me, just it's been difficult to realise that even your most close friends can't help. 

 I need to keep a constant watch on the things that I really struggle with, and accept that it's OK that I'm broken. Interaction with people will always be difficult, but it can get a bit better. 

This holiday season I have decided to step back from everyone because I'm really struggling with my MH, which even though is so tough and lonely, is the best way to get through. 

 Im focusing on the many positive things in my personality. I'm a kind, reliable person, who is really fun and really tries my best to improve and be a good friend. Even though I'm struggling right now, my friends will be there for me at the end and will have spared them having to share in my struggles this holiday. 

Im really looking forward to the next year. I will be able to start the year in the best mental health state, 7 months self harm and overdose free, and with the best friends I have ever had. 

 2020 WILL be full of fun, and I want to be here this time next year, and say that I have been the best Lauren and friend I can, and to pay back all the support I have received. I will continue to build on the massive progress I have made, and not get bogged down by what has happened in the past. 

I will always struggle with mental health, but I don't want to be difined by it no longer. 

Listen to P2B by Lauren Powell #np on #SoundCloud

TW suicide.

This is the place I was found dying last month.

Just want to be loved..