fresh out of jail uncle

Achilles *flirting*: you come here often?

Patroclus: *fighting a trojan*

Patroclus: I do. Please go and haunt some enemies.

Achilles: I try to be romantic. *covered in blood*

“Like Hephaestion, who died

Alexander's lover

Now, my riverbed has dried

Abbie explains the difference between fantasy and mythology, and how mythology is attached to a specific actual culture and norms.

Of course she covers the historical inaccuracies, but as she says later, "This isn't about historical inaccuracy, it's about mega conglomerates taking foreign cultures and dumbing it down into neat little marketable packages."

In a world that knows Greek Mythology mostly due to American productions, it's not hyperbolic to be concerned about the new productions. It is through those that the world learns about our culture! And it's Greeks who get the burden of stereotypes and misconceptions!

Abbie mentions the case of Greek man Dimitris Katsikis who makes Greek Bronze Age armor, and who was rejected / left on read by Nolan's production, after they contacted him first. 

look, we all know the standard-issue achilles facts. he was dipped in a magical river, he had a gorgeous boyfriend, he spent three months pouting in a tent like a dramatic teenager, and then he died because his mum forgot how ankles work. its classic. its iconic. and its on every middle school syllabus.

but if you actually dig into the absolute fever dream archives of ancient greek deep lore, you quickly realize that the real achilles wasn't just a regular warrior. he was actually a chaotic (with a big K), draft-dodging, apex-predator-eating menace who actively broke the laws of physics and common sense before being banished to a ghost island with the most awkward dating pool in history. anywhoos, here goes nothing....

THE 15-YEAR-OLD DRAFT DODGER'S ULTIMATE DRAG DEBUT

everyone knows achilles died at troy, but few know how hard his mum tried to keep him from going in the first place. when the draft started, his mother, thetis, panicked and hid him on the island of skyros. her master plan? she disguised 15-year-old achilles as a girl named "pyrrha" and hid him among the king's daughters.

he lived as a princess for months. the greeks eventually figured out he was there, but they couldn't tell which girl was actually a six-foot-tall, hyper-muscular warrior. odysseus finally exposed him by laying out a bunch of jewellery, dresses and a single shield and spear. while the princesses cooed over the necklaces, achilles immediately grabbed the spear and accidentally started his war cry because the draft-dodging theatre kid could not resist a weapon.

HIS CHILDHOOD DIET READS LIKE A CURSED 1-STAR PALEO BLOG

you don't get to be the apex predator of the bronze age by eating your vegetables. according to ancient writer apollodorus, achilles' tutor was chiron- the wise centaur who was basically the ancient world's ultimate survival coach. chiron didn't feed young achilles standard toddler food.

achilles was raised on a strict diet (involving (blegh!!) lion livers, wild boar marrow, bear brains) to give him courage and strength. he was also fed honey and milk to keep him fast. he was essentially a weaponised toddler fuelled entirely by raw predators and sugar crashes.

HIS AFTERLIFE IS A TOXIC REALITY TV NIGHTMARE

standard mythology says achilles died and went to the gloomy underworld of hades. but the deep-lore, alternative cult versions reveal his mum used her goddess powers to upgrade his afterlife package. he was transported to leuke (the white island) in the black sea to live as an immortal ghost-king.

the absolute kicker? depending on which ancient poet you ask, he spent eternity married to medea (the famous witch who poisoned her own kids to curry for her husband's favour) or helen of troy ( the woman whose face launched the ships that directly caused his death). the sheer amount of passive-aggressive, agonizing silence at that eternal dinner table is completely unmeasurable.

HE HAD A TERRIBLE, UNRECIPROCATED RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS ULTIMATE PARASOCIAL FANBOY

alexander the great was the ultimate achilles stan. he slept with a copy of the illiad under his pillow, openly emulated achilles' "friendship" with patroclus and even visited achilles' supposed tomb in troy just to, allegedly, run around it entirely naked while crowning it with flowers. the hilarious part is if achilles had been alive, he would have despised alexander. achilles' entire brand was being an angsty rebel who hated kings, defied authority (agamemnon) and fought strictly for his own personal glory.

alexander was a literal king of a massive empire. alexander was out here living the ultimate corporate agamemnon lifestyle while genuinely convinced he was a punk-rock achilles

honestly, you just have to love him. the next time someone mentions the tragic, serious warrior from the history books, remember the absolute goldmine of deep lore they are leaving out.