An otter who is flowery

I'm furious. We waited thru FIVE YEARS of production hell while Netflix sat on their arses to release this movie. For TRILOGY BAIT?! Will we have to wait ANOTHER half decade to get The Old Guard 3?!

I'm so piping mad & emotional right now; I deducted 3 points:

Trilogy bait

Lore inconsistencies

No Andromaquynh/Andynh kisses

Trilogy Bait

I was increasingly nervous watching the clock, like ok, Andy & Discord are wasting an awful lotta time getting on & off these stupid helicopters, there's only 15 minutes left to this film, get a move on!

Only for Discord--who's been mortal this WHOLE time btw--to kick the absolute dogsnot out of Andy--who's NOT mortal (thank god)--and get BACK on the helicopter, and say the playing field will be level the next time they fight--but HOW?! If Discord's ALREADY older & stronger & better than Andy as a MORTAL, if Dis becomes immortal again, she's gonna be obnoxiously strong! 😩

The New Lore

I don't mind them doing the whole Nile is A Destroyer Who Can Remove Immortality; it's really cool.

What irritates me is that TOG2 didn't stick to the lore about immortals dreaming about immortals they haven't met. In TOG1 it was very clear that the 3 immortals who were still strangers were Quynh, Booker, and Nile. So they all dreamed about each other--and that's how they could confirm that Quynh was still alive in the ocean.

But for some reason, Quynh didn't recognize Nile when they finally met--but Quynh & Booker knew each other on sight?

Nile conveniently has ONE random exposition-dump dream about Discord stealing Tuah's records, but she's not dreaming about either one of them before or after that--it's always been about Nile & Booker dreaming about Quynh.

It makes sense that Nile never dreamed about Discord, if Dis went mortal over 6 months ago, cuz Nile can only dream about immortals. But exactly how long has Discord been mortal? 🤨 Cuz Booker's been immortal for 200+ years, and he only dreamed about Quynh & Nile.

So how the heck did NO ONE in this group know about Tuah?! Not even Kaysanova knew about him, and they're 1000+; and they NEVER dreamed about him?! Even though Tuah knows EVERYTHING about all of them?!

This is where the lore break really made me mad, and it became obvious that the writers forgot all about the Dreams rule from TOG1. And I certainly didn't appreciate the whole Lies by Omission angle bleeding into Kaysanova's drama about Booker's exile.

Thank god Kaysanova made up before they were turned into cyrogenic popsicles--only 1.15hrs into the movie and my husbands got kidnapped together AGAIN!? 🤦

But if my spidey senses are right, I'm not worried--I think Tuah's days are numbered, esp. since Quynh's mortal now, too. Unless TOG3 pulls ANOTHER brand new immortal out its arse, Discord has to kill someone to get her immortality back, and when Discord dies I bet Quynh will get hers back. Ain't no way they're touching Kaysanova, or istg Imma sue Netflix for Pain & Suffering.

Andromaquynh, Kaysanova, Booker, oh my~!

While I'm glad that Andromaquynh reconciled and are back together (their little I go first! banter at the end was freaking adorable), what I wanted most was a canon sapphic established lesbian relationship. They played it way too safe, and I'm really bummed.

Even the Kaysanova was frighteningly minimalistic--we got a "caro" out of Yusuf, but compared to his grand iconic monologue in TOG1 we barely got even half that this time.

And I was ticked off, cuz A LOT of time was spent on BOOKER--a character I never liked in TOG1--and who got a suspiciously large portion of screentime in TOG2 for someone who was supposed to be making himself scarce in exile.

But as soon as Tuah explained the new lore about swapping immortality I was like Ohhhhhhh, THAT'S why they're focusing on giving Booker all this screentime. 😒

Welp. C'est la vie! 😅

TL;DR: It's a good movie! 👍

But it could've been GREAT. And I feel like for a 1.5hr-long film, way too much time was spent on really cool but really long action sequences that should've been much shorter, to give us more time with the crew (esp. the new character Tuah); and more careful/consistent development of the lore; and Discord's machinations with Quynh. This movie felt like it took its time but was also rushed, if that makes sense.

5 whole years is a helluva long time for the imagination to build up the Andy/Quynh reunion again, and the fallout of Booker's exile, and I feel kinda underwhelmed on both fronts.

Definitely give the fighting choreographer and special effects teams an award though.

Or do I make it sad and angsty by thinking about the fact we have confirmation Adrien was the only one around while his mom was sick and deteriorating so he probably got desensitized from a young age when it comes to sickly people and bodily fluids and all the unpleasantness that comes with disease

the love of the sun and the rain

Nathaniel : Yes. I'm ready. I won't hide anymore.

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I literally cannot remember the last time I laughed this hard!

I was literally choking I was laughing so hard!

NEW NIGHTMARE FUEL UNLOCKED