I cry a lot. Like way more than I should, honestly. But I can’t help how I feel. My sadness and depression come in waves and I’m just doing my best to keep my shit together. It’s hard. I went through major things this year alone that have weighed so heavy on my mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual. I’m tired bro. But I’m not even allowed to be tired. I’m a mom, ain’t no tired. I just turned 30. This birthday was different. I felt unloved, and that’s not good cause I got plenty love. Idk it just ain’t feel right. My father walked past me plenty times and couldn’t open his mouth to hell me happy birthday. Branden didn’t tell me happy birthday either. And granted, yeah that sucked, but it didn’t even hurt as much cause my own dad didn’t tell me. I’m learning though, that as you get older, people care less and less. Not about birthdays, just in general. Everybody has their own shit going on, they don’t have the time or room to have concern for others. I’m learning also that getting older, for me anyway, has been a lot of silent tears and dealing with things privately. I don’t see myself opening up to anyone for quite some time. This wall got like 5 other walls around it, and ain’t nobody getting in except my kids, my mom, Scooby-Doo, and God. I broke down this morning because I’m so over Portsmouth public school systems. They don’t communicate with the parents like they should and this deeply bothers me, but what can I even do? I’m going to try to get a zone waiver for Ky and see how that works out. If that shit fails, I’m just gonna have to switch my schedule to overnights and homeschool this kid. Part of me breaking down earlier was cause I hate that I have to do this shit alone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m BEYOND grateful for the help and support I get from my parents. I just wish I had my person already to help me get through this shit and help keep me grounded yo. I’m fucking struggling out here fr. But it okay. Dawg. I have tell myself “it’s okay” so many times a day. Things will get better, they have to and they will. My boys all the push I need and I’m so glad I have them cause I really need the motivation to keep going. I needed them fr. I get scared sometimes knowing I have to care for and raise two men. I got my young kings, always, and God got us so we will be just fine.
