Flinnbrie

Interests: I spend a lot of my time playing video games, mostly souls games and various MMOs (both of the final fantasy ones and more) and i'm trying to go to school to be a paramedic

Hobbies: My main hobbies are Warhammer, Gunpla, Sewing, and Poetry. I'm not particularly great at any of them, but they're all such a joy ^_^ I'm also trying to learn yugioh right now, and that's been a lot of fun

Tags: I use the tag "poetic yearning" for most of my poems, usually about partners, or people i hope to be partners someday, and more recently i've started using "poetic longing" for the ones dealing with loss. I also tag my digimon updates with "vpet" and then more specific tags depending on the model < 3

today's my brother's birthday. it's the second birthday i've lived through since he passed,, and the first one i've been alone for. it's my own fault that i'm alone right now, for multiple reasons,, but it still makes things extra hard. i think that's part of why i'm writing this out on my public blog, i want to feel just a little less alone tonight,, and in the next few days,, if i can.

i was never the best sister, especially in the last few years,, and i'll regret that for the rest of my life.

i stare, and feel, and notice,

the comfort it once swallowed me in, while not extinguished, was dim.

it's still the same moon she might still look at, our gazes perhaps sharing a distant vector,

but would she think of me ? do i even want her to think of me if it would hurt her ?

i close my eyes, feel my tears slowly roll down my cheeks, and breathe.

i can no longer run from the lonesome darkness around me, i refuse to let myself.

each night it's tendrils dig less deeply, it's cold is less harsh,

just slightly, but always progress.

i did at least meet 1 person who i consider to be my best friend, not just by virtue of being my the only one i've made so far, but truly because of the depth of the bond we've already cultivated together,,, and i won't give up on making more bonds despite how hard it's been. it's an important part of the personal growth i've committed to.

i've never been this alone,,, i've, never been single for even just one day since 2015. it's hard, and new,, and for the first time i'm not chasing the dopamine of a relationship. every time i've fucked up a relationship in the past i knew what i had to change in myself,, i knew what choices i made that hurt people,, at least enough to recognize them outloud,, but the there'd always be someone in my life who loved me,, and i'd let myself just exist in that love, and warmth, instead of growing.

i don't blame anyone i've been with for giving me that love when i'm clearly hurting in front of them,, but i do blame myself for always failing to do the actual work of growing. This time though,, i met the two people i'm certain are my soulmates,, if such a thing exists,, and because i didn't take the time to grow, inevitably hard times came,, and i fucked it up. it's no one's fault by my own that i'm in the situation i'm in,, and every day i do my best to build up the inner strength i lacked when it mattered most.