Imagine

Internally, I know it is. I never understood how someone could do that to someone. Of course, I’ve felt it before, the pain of discovering the large scale betrayal of someone you put all your trust and care towards.

But this time I’m on the other side. I really cannot tell you which is worse. The feeling of having your heart ripped out by your significant other, or knowing you’ve ripped out three of them with your own bare hands. Yes, three. The first of the one who puts all their trust in you, the second you pretended to care for just as much as the first, and your own.

My mind is tearing my own apart. I don’t know what to feel anymore, or who I should feel it for. I do not feel guilt, which is surprising. I always thought those people felt guilty. But somehow, I don’t. Sometimes I wonder if that makes me a horrible person, or if it means I could not actually love either of them. But I know somehow I do.

I do love them. Both of them, for different reasons, of course. But I still feel love.

I’m so tangled up in this web of confusion and intricately woven feelings and desires. Sometimes I can’t make up my mind, and then moments later I know exactly what I want. But then I just go back to not knowing.

I’ve realized that cheating is not as black and white as I always thought it was. It is much more complicated when your own feelings are involved in a situation. It’s much more complicated when you know the decision is up to you, but you can’t seem to get yourself to make one, because you know in the end you’re going to hurt yourself. And when everyone in this distorted triangle knows the truth, you might lose everything.

That’s not what you wanted. I can see now, that’s not what you deserve either.

It wasn’t heartless. I got into this mess because I have a heart, and because I love.