that pink fucking lizard

so funny story, im pretty sure i had cotard's syndrome when i was 13-14. i was fully convinced my organs were diseased or rotting inside of me. it wouldnt make sense of course because i was digesting and breathing and circulating, but i was convinced something was terribly wrong and i really couldn't have been walking around. i never talked to anyone about it; i couldn't even communicate the things that were actually affecting my ability to function like depression and undiagnosed autism.

i had this overwhelming sense of WRONGNESS about myself. like i wasn't supposed to even be alive, not in a suicidal way, but in a 'how are you still walking' way. there wasn't even a point in idealizing suicide because i was already pretty much dead.

having recovered for the most part, did i really think i was going to die for real before i could do anything worthwhile? did i not know that the act of surviving and learning to love myself was the most worthwhile thing i could do at that point? i know i was cringe and did stupid things and hated myself and made mistakes, but i look back and im just.. so proud. and i need to love my past self the way they couldn't because it doesn't do any good to hate someone who was really trying.