things show only fans might not know and that upsets me
crowley:
in the book, when aziraphale suffocates the dove at warlock’s party, it’s CROWLEY who takes it from him and resurrects it (i’m forever bitter they changed it bc it’s so understated but such a lovely character moment)
there’s not a lot of physical description of the characters but we know that crowley is young, has dark hair and good cheekbones, wears snakeskin boots that may or may not be his feet, and can “do really weird things with his tongue” 👀👀
also when he gets annoyed/stressed, he starts to hiss
when he’s in his flat freaking out about the impending apocalypse, he tries to calm himself down by alphabetising his collection of soul music. yes really
he didn’t take credit for the spanish inquisition. in fact, he’d never even heard of the spanish inquisition until the commendation arrived, at which point he went to check it out and was so horrified by what he saw that he fucked off to the nearest cantina and got drunk for a week
is an absolute little bitch of epic proportions. like in the show a lot of his lines are delivered all cool and sassy but in the book he’s literally just bitching about everything all the time. with the paintball bit, when aziraphale says he knew crowley was always secretly nice, he doesn’t flip out and push aziraphale against a wall, he just bitches some more, because he bitches all!!! the!!! time!!! “oh lord heal this bike”? bitching. the only times he’s not bitching is when he’s throwing a temper tantrum or gleefully pranking people
“nothing but dust and fundamentalists”
he slept through almost the entire 19th century because it was so boring, except for 1832 when he got up to go to the toilet
‘… Bee-elzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me… “For me,” murmured Crowley. His expression went blank for a moment. Then he gave a strangled scream and wrenched the on-off knob.’ ;a; my poor son i just wanna protect him
back in the day, the most popular fancast for him was benedict cumberbatch. this was exactly as awful as it sounds
the reason there were so many queen songs in the show is bc there’s this whole bit in the book about how any cassette that gets left in a car for longer than two weeks morphs into a best of queen album. crowley had a bunch of eclectic tapes (he likes velvet underground, joy division, and handel) in his car but they turned into queen. and at the end of the book? ‘Crowley inserted a cassette labled “Handel’s Water Music”, and it stayed “Handel’s Water Music” all the way home.’ MY HEART
his CANONICAL NUMBER ONE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION AS WRITTEN BY PTERRY AND GAIMAN is to accept that superglueing valuable coins to the sidewalk then watching events unfold from a nearby cafe is not proper demonic activity
aziraphale:
his hands are apparently plump and very well manicured
wears a camelhair coat. fandom has also collectively decided he wears argyle sweaters even though this is never once mentioned in canon
upon meeting aziraphale, most people get three impressions: 1) that he is british 2) that he is intelligent 3) that he is gayer than a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide. he’s not british and angels are technically sexless unless they really want to make an effort… but he is intelligent
at the start of the book, he hasn’t sworn for six thousand years. the first time he swears in six thousand years is “bugger”. the second time is “oh fuck” when he gets shadwell’d
after he gets shadwell’d he doesn’t immediately possess madame tracy. instead he bodyhops across the world and at one point possesses an american televangelist on live tv and proceeds to deliver an amazing smackdown of the commercialisation of religion then ends with “gosh. am i on television?” i love him
HE’S the one to suggest killing adam. mr stuffy angel’s NUMBER ONE IDEA for dealing with the problem is to MURDER AN ELEVEN YEAR OLD BOY
his bookshop is actually just a place for him to store his collection of rare books (including a collection of bibles that have misprints like the wicked bible and the standing fishes bible). he doesn’t actually want anyone to buy them. so he opens at weird hours, makes his shop constantly smell bad, and gives people death stares whenever they step inside to make them leave as quickly as possible.
also mobsters keep threatening his shop to try to make him leave. he thanks them politely, shows them out the door, and they are never seen again.
he does his taxes on an ancient mac, which is the only technology he’s ever adopted, and they’re so scrupulously accurate he’s been investigated five times because the government’s sure he’s getting away with murder somewhere
along with benedict cumberbatch as crowley people used to fancast him as martin freeman. 2013 was a dark time.
absolute asshole. complete stinky bastard man. he’s SO CRUEL to crowley it’s unreal, and he doesn’t even realise half the time. when he admits at the end before the showdown with satan that “i’ll have always known, deep down inside, that there was some good in you”. not there was some good deep down inside crowley. that DEEP DOWN INSIDE AZIRAPHALE was the knowledge that crowley had some good in him. my heart!!!!!!!!!
miscellany:
back in my day we didn’t have any of this fancy ineffable husbands shit. we called it air conditioning and we liked it
read @irisbleufic‘s crown of thorns verse. its the ultimate go fic
IT’S CANON ACTUAL CANON that after the book crowley and aziraphale moved into a cottage in the south downs together so uhhh yeah They’re Gay Karen
i love them so much. im begging you please read the book it’s so good
The reason that alphabetising his music collection didn’t work to come him down, is the fact that Crowley ALREADY alphabetises his music.
Dancing demons are described as ‘moving like a white band on Soul Train.’
Both Aziraphale and Crowley are absolutely fleeced by Shadwell because they couldn’t be bothered to actually look at the names of the ‘soldiers’ that worked (or didn’t) under Shadwell. This results in Crowley having to listen to Madame Tracey babble about her day.
Because he uses the original WFA pay scale, this fleecing actually only amounts to about sixty pounds a year.
Crowley has to have two phone lines, because one of them is forever being called by telemarketers.
Even though he probably has no idea how to use it, Crowley updates his incredibly stupid computer every few months, because that’s what Cool Guys do, and Crowley really wants to look Cool.
Aziraphale blows up a traffic warden’s ticket book, and it amazes Crowley so much it makes the angel blush.
Aziraphale does NOT like being cold.
The Bentley is entirely capable of driving itself.
Crowley has only ever filled the tank up once, and that was because he’s such a GIANT FUCKING DORK that he wanted to get the James Bond bullet decal stickers to put in the back window.
Aziraphale created Shropshire.
Aziraphale isn’t a technophobe, or living 150 years in the past. One of the ways Crowley woos him into his plan is by pointing out that Heaven doesn’t have CDs or daily crosswords, or movie theaters.
Crowley evidently plays arcade games.
Az has actually been running his bookshop since at least the 1650s.
He seems to conveniently forget that he swears while drinking. He refers to the Kraken as a Great Big Bugger. He loses all of his posh primness when drunk, and becomes an argumentative little shit.
The entire bit with the little bird and the end of the universe. That scene is gold.
“Potentially evil. Potentially good, too, I suppose. Just this huge powerful potentiality, waiting to be shaped,” said Crowley. He shrugged. “Anyway, why’re we talking about this good and evil? They’re just names for sides. We know that.” I love this line so much.
Aziraphale’s idea of banishing demons is to just strongly hint that he has work to do and that it had gotten late. Crowley always got the hint.
After the world doesn’t end, Crowley and Aziraphale just sit their asses down on the air field tarmac and share a bottle of wine.
good omens heritage post
Co-signed, OPs. All of this.
