for as long as i can remember ive had an eating disorder
it was nothing glamorous and certainly nothing anybody ever was jealous over. i was always too big. i ate too much. i was and always have been big. in fourth grade my teacher asked me if it was hard always having my parents comment on my weight. it was, but i hated that she also noticed. in third grade after christmas my mom suggested we go on a diet! in second grade my grandma had announced to the family at dinner that my dress was too tight around my stomach. ive had an eating disorder my whole life. but ive never been small.
im so used to sucking in my stomach it is permanently shaped like a B. it takes actual effort for me to not suck in and i couldnt tell you the last time i looked in the mirror and didnt hate what i saw. im used to it. it’s exhausting but it’s my normal.
my sister has always been skinny. she doesnt even have to try and she has abs, and she’s skinny, and she’s obnoxious about it. so when she got hurt and gained weight she cried to me about it. my whole life i have told her i dont want to take pictures, i hate the way i look, i hate the way i feel. and it has been written off. that im dramatic and stupid and doing too much. but now she has gained weight. and she doesnt want to take pictures. and she hates the way her clothes fit. and she hates the way she feels. and i can sympathize, but it makes me mad.
i can tell she still doesnt feel the way that i do because she doesnt suck her stomach in. she doesnt stand in the mirror pinching fat where it sits on every inch of her body. she doesnt tug at her clothes or hide her body with a pillow or hide her chin with the neck of her shirt. she’s just upset that for once she is not perfect.
i hated her for it, and part of me still does. part of me is still so angry when i tell her that i cant do something she tells me she can. that when i run on a treadmill, she gets on the one next to mine, and will always put it one level higher. part of me is furious because this has been my reality, and nobody has believed me for so long.
even now, i say i have eating issues, and my family rolls their eyes.
im sorry that shes learning what this feels like. i am. i hope she never draws in sharpie where she would take scissors, or takes too much miralax because she thinks she overate. i hope she never cancels plans because she thinks she doesnt look good enough, or works out for another hour because “maybe that will help”
but nobody is ever going to notice me. and i will continue to do those things. because i was never skinny. because im fat so how could i possibly have an eating disorder. but i do, i have, and i will
