WE CAN DO HARD THINGS

I had some beastly 2017 goals. 

I wanted to quit drinking. After a few years in advertising, it felt like my health became my lowest priority and alcohol became a fluent part of everyone’s every day. I went into January 1st with fear I would never truly be able to quit. 

And then, I did. 

For months upon months upon months, I learned what it was like to conquer every day with sobriety and a clear mind. Do you know what you learn about sobriety once you’re in it? That when you “de-stress” by taking a sip of something or a puff of something else, you actually remove all the other things you’d feel so brightly, too.

My first week without alcohol, I remember getting this palpable, surge of joy in my chest when I was doing something I loved. It was such a vibrant feeling. And it’s written about a lot by people who find sobriety - the strength of the feelings you feel again. 

In 2017, I learned to stop nulling those feelings.

I’d never been to Europe - a thing that made me feel like such a failure in a city of people that had been there when they were 6 and 10 times since. Now, you should never measure your success by others. But this one stuck with me because I never could muster the belief that I’d have the money for world traveling.

I vowed to make it to Europe before I was 30 for years. And then one night, after feeling like there was no way it going to happen, I booked a ticket. 

I traveled to 8 countries - 7 of them in Europe. 

I also said, for the 6 months before I was 30, “I want to make six figures before I’m thirty.” 

A girl who had never been driven by monetary goals. But suddenly, it was like: if I am going to work this hard, I am going to see the value.

On August 3rd, a week shy of my birthday, I signed an offer letter for over six figures. Something, most days, I still can’t fathom.

Then halfway through that job, I realized I didn’t find my joy there. And the universe came knocking. A job I’d dreamed about forever suddenly showed up on my doorstep. 

And I signed a new offer letter, even more, unfathomable than the first.

I spent years in an apartment, willing it to be mine, refusing to move even when others encouraged me to disregard patience and savor immediate satisfaction.

When I wake up in the morning, and look at the light pouring in the windows, and walk through every room, and each space that is only mine - I revel in it. I revel in my patience and fortitude for carving out this space of mine that feels like it was just waiting to belong to me. 

So many amazing things changed in my life in 2017.

For 2018, I want to be simple and I want to be accomplished.

I want to take the things I lie in bed awake at night, fretting over not being able to do, and learn how to do them.

I want to take back the childhood I never did have.

So I booked myself adult bike-riding lessons. Because I’m going to get that shit done. I am going to pedal myself freely as I explore the Swiss Alps of Switzerland and the Kings Landing of Croatia this summer. 

Pro-tip: when you are stressed at work, google pictures of Lauterbrunnen, Switzerland. And then one day, on a bad day, just book the fucking ticket. 

I am going to take my health back.

I miss when my body felt strong when my body felt capable when mostly everything inserted into it was a tool of nourishment and not a crutch for comfort.

Call it DJ Khaled inspiration but I signed up for WW freestyle. 

People make me accountabl and there’s nothing I love more than success amongst friends.

Shoutout to my coworker who started her WW journey a year ago and has inspired me through all of her posts, new friendships, and amazing success. 

I just want to show myself that I can do all of these things and still have a part of me that focuses on the health of me first.

The very reason this journal existed.

I just smiled writing that.

When I started this journal, I was a depressed, overweight, fiancé to someone I leaned on. As though he was my reason for everything when yet very little of that reason brought me joy. I would turn to your posts, and read them, and say “maybe tomorrow I’ll start.” Then I would eat to cure my boredom, cry to mask my sadness, live in a whole world of grey and bland. And never really feeling the love of doing everything for being “in-love.” 

And then I came home, and I stopped saying “maybe tomorrow.” 

I lost that fiance in the process, and it seemed like such tragedy! 

But it’s true - that statement they say - the one I have beautifully illustrated in a painting on my wall. 

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, 

It became a butterfly.

I smile every time I think about the girl I was and the woman I am with such a fierce fucking gratitude in my chest.

SO, 2018 is all about moving towards that feeling.

About butterflying everywhere.

About saying yes to the things that actually scare me.

And then finding joy in conquering that fear.

The year for just-me resolutions; 

I’ve been having an existential crisis.

Pretty sure I almost definitely know why but I’m going to ignore that for now.

What I am not going to ignore is this: 

I’ve been...praying. Maybe meditating? I don’t know. Something. Speaking out loud. Focusing my energy inward. Asking for help through this. 

Today, my mom called me. 

She, my dad, and my nephew were rear-ended by another car.

They’re okay. Their backs hurt, but they’re okay.

I took a moment to tear up in a bathroom and have a moment of quiet, full, presence. 

I could have lost my whole world today and by some grace, I didn’t. 

I think for now my crisis is over because I remembered what a real one can look like. 

They’re too far away to hug today but in my mind, all day, I am saying: 

Thank you.

Thank you.