90% smut, 10% feelings mixed into the smut

I will open the door to the bathroom by putting my hand around the horizontal, slightly curved gold door handle and pressing down and then pushing in while standing away from the door.

I will mentally note that the door handle and doorknob for our bathroom and the master bedroom do not match. Just like I do every other time I open this door after leaving the master bedroom, and sometimes (but not always) after I open this door while coming from somewhere other than the master bedroom — usually from one of the kids' rooms or from the hallway that leads to the staircase that leads downstairs.

I will enter the bathroom.

I will turn the light on by flipping the off-white light switch to the upward facing position.

I will approach the sink.

I will turn the sink on by turning the handle that supplies hot water to the maximum position and then turning the handle that supplies cold water to about the 2/3rds of the way point between the zero and maximum positions.

I will let the water run for a few moments.

I will open the cabinet below the sink.

I will pull out a washcloth from the cabinet.

I will run the washcloth under the warm running water in the sink for a moment, and then pull it away.

I will take the bar of Dove soap sitting to the right side of the sink.

I will rub the bar of Dove soap over the washcloth until bubbles become obvious.

I will put the bar of Dove soap back down to the right side of the sink.

I will wash my face, making sure to scrub down on the sides of my neck.

I will rinse the washcloth under the water.

I will rinse and dry my face.

I will squirt shaving cream onto my hand and apply shaving cream to my face and neck. I will be mildly annoyed when it brushes against my nose while it sits on my upper lip.

I will shave.

Realistically, I will probably miss a couple of spots.

When I was first learning to shave, my wife told me that most men who shave never get good enough at it to never miss a spot. I believe that's probably true — it does seem hard to be sure under all the shaving cream foam, even if you have a lot of practice. But I figured I was never going to be sure, because I didn't have any men in my life who shaved regularly to ask.

I have been shaving for 20 years. I have never gotten good enough at it to never miss a spot.

I will rinse my face again.

I will get a hair tie from the drawer above the cabinet below the sink and I will put my hair up in a top knot. I will have had variations on this hairstyle for the last 20 years. I will admire the fact that I continue to bleach the parts of my hair that have yet to go grey and then dye the whole thing bright colors.

I will smile at myself in the mirror. I will repeat at least two of the "daily affirmations" I have written on Post-It notes that I have affixed to my bathroom mirror.

I will put my glasses on.

I will take my electric toothbrush off the charger and brush my teeth.

I will take my electric toothbrush off the charger and I will put toothpaste on the toothbrush and I will put toothpaste on the toothbrush and I will put toothpaste on the toothbrush and I will put toothpaste on the toothbrush and I will put toothpaste on the toothbrush and I will put toothpaste on the toothbrush and I will brush my teeth and brush my teeth and brush my teeth and brush my teeth and brush my teeth

I will take two tubes of 50mg/5g generic brand testosterone gel from their box on the counter.

I will uncap the first tube, puncture the seal with the pointy tip inside the tube cap, and I will

I will uncap the first tube.

I will puncture the seal of the first tube with the pointy tip inside the tube cap.

I will squeeze the gel from the tube onto my shoulder.

I will repeat this pattern on my other arm

I will repeat this pattern on my other arm

I will repeat this

I will repeat

This

I will repeat this

I will repeat this

Pattern

On my other arm other arm other arm other arm other

Other

Arm

On my other arm other arm other arm arm arm

I will repeat this pattern on my other arm.

I will rub the gel in, first on my right shoulder, which of course was the first one I applied it to, even though I forgot to mention that even though it's been how I've done it ever since the day I started using two tubes instead of one except for the few times I tried applying it on my stomach before I decided for good despite trying to decide several times beforehand and reconsidering my decision that I would stop trying to apply it there because it slid down my stomach and dripped onto my pants and the floor, thereby wasting valuable Boy Goop:tm: that I desperately needed.

And then I will rub the gel in on my left shoulder.

I will be careful not to use my whole hand both times, instead using the tips of my first two or three fingers not counting my thumbs.

I will rinse my right hand off under the warm running water in the sink that still has the running water on because I did mot turn the sink off. I will use my right hand to squeeze foaming hand soap onto my left hand. I will scrub generously and vigorously, making sure to slide my fingers on each hand vertically up and down the ones on the other hand to ensure that all of the excess testosterone gel is washed off from my fingers as effectively as possible.

I will dry my hands on a hand towel hanging by the sink.

I will leave the bathroom.

I will go back to the master bedroom and check to see if my wife is awake yet.

She will not be awake, so I will not turn the light on yet.

I will go into the closet and use the light from the flashlight on my phone to pick out my clothes for the day.

I will select a tank top and sweatpants, because I am aware that I do not need to dress professionally today.

I will put the tank top and sweatpants on.

I will take my leather jacket from the hanger it is hanging on in the closet and put it on over my clothes.

I will leave the master bedroom.

I will go downstairs.

I will turn the kitchen light on.

I will open the refrigerator.

I will, one at a time, retrieve eggs, bacon, sausage, and frozen blueberries from the fridge, fridge, fridge, and freezer respectively.

I will retrieve several additional ingredients from the pantry, and then a couple of other ingredients from the fridge because I forgot them.

I will begin the process of cooking eggs, bacon, and sausage in pans on the stove, eventually finishing the preparation of pancake mix and beginning to cook blueberry pancakes as well. I have long since convinced my family of the appeal of frozen blueberries being used in pancakes instead of fresh, because the juice is different and comes out more, and also because you can roll the extra ones around in maple syrup for a delightfully sweet cold snack.

I will put the things I have cooked on the counter and I will go wake up my children.

I will follow them back down the stairs to the kitchen and dole out eggs, bacon, sausage, and pancakes to those interested, as wells acquiring beverages from the fridge.

I will hear my wife come down the stairs and smile when I see her.

I will smile when I see her.

I will smile when I see her.

I will smile when I see her.

She is beautiful. She is going grey. She has been going grey, and I think she is beautiful.

I am so proud of what we have made.

I will be so proud of what we have made.

I will get the kids ready for school.

I will pack their lunches while they get dressed under the supervision of my wife. I will trust her to make sure their teeth are brushed and their hair is brushed and their clothes and socks are on right side out and that their shoes are tied or Velcro-ed correctly and safely.

I will pack them whatever the hell they want, because I made very sure to express very clearly that the best food they can eat is food that feels good and makes them comfortably full, and that nothing else really matters.

I will think back to how I ate the same things for every meal for basically my whole life.

I will think about how I still do that.

I will think about how I'm okay with that.

I will be glad that Taco Bell Nacho Fries are now a permanent addition to the menu, and that Taco Bell still exists at all.

I will check my kids' backpacks to make sure they have everything they need.

Do you have your pencil case? Does it have pencils, pens, erasers, and highlighters in it? Do you have the Tylenol you're not supposed to not tell the school nurse about but fuck that, that's stupid, I'm not having them call me or your mom at work just to make sure you can take some fucking Tylenol, so carry it with you? Do you have your laptops? Do you have your notebooks? Do you have your textbooks? Do you have your phones? Are your phones charged? Do you have your lunches? Are your phones charged? Are your shoes tied and Velcro-ed properly? Are all your clothes on right side out? Do you have your phones? Are your phones charged? Do you have your phones? Do you have them? Are your phones charged? Do you have your phones? Are your phones charged? Do you have them? Are they charged all the way? Are they charged?

You did your homework, right? And you have it in your bags?

I will get them into the car and make sure that they are buckled securely.

I will drive them to school.

I will text my wife several lipstick kiss emojis and heart emojis and apologize for forgetting to tell her I love her before I go to work.

I will actually drive home and go back inside and tell her I love her and kiss her much harder and longer than normal and tell her I love her and tell her I love her and tell her I love her and tell her I love her and I. Will. Kiss. Her. She. Will. Need. It.

She will ask me why I needed to come all the way back home just for that. Am I okay? Is something wrong?

I will say I was just feeling particularly affectionate, and you know how I am when I get touchy.

She will believe me. I do get a certain way sometimes. Something like that.

I will leave the house again.

I will wonder if she noticed that I am supposed to be going to work but I am wearing a tank top and sweatpants. I will wonder if she will brush it off as my job being whatever the fuck I want it to be that day and not giving a shit what I wear.

I will be reminded of the fact that we have a tendency to buy the same tennis shoes in different sizes because we both have the same taste in color and aesthetic.

I will be happy that none of our shoes ever wear thin or get too damaged to be fully comfortable anymore, because I have provided for us.

I will feel horribly guilty for a moment.

I will remember how much money is in our savings accounts.

I will remember that the kids' college funds are already more than functional.

I will remember how much I love her.

I will continue to feel horribly guilty.

I will drive my car to the building I work in.

I will hand a twenty dollar bill to the homeless man I pass on the street.

I will enter my building.

I will wave to a few people I recognize as I enter the lobby.

I will take the elevator to the top floor.

I will take a deep breath.

I will take a step.

I will get a lump in my throat.

I will take another step.

I will take another step.

I will notice my stomach is in knots.

I will swipe my roof access keycard.

I will Step. On. To. The. Roof. I. Will. Walk. To. The. Edge. Of. The Roof.

I will

I will

I will

I will

I will

I will

I will