Findingpeace

I feeling very very lost lately! Left a job we’re I made the best of friends due to a toxic manager and now I don’t find happiness as much when I work. Just developed an impingement in my right arm, and it’s what I use to do my job. I don’t enjoy my career anymore, I don’t enjoy life anymore. I dread doing what I use to love. I sit in pain all day and can’t have fun anymore. I’m sad, I’m lost. I want to end it. I thought heartbreak was the worst pain ever, but I guess I was wrong. How do I find light in the world again. I just feel so disappointed in myself and life? No one on her ever responds so I don’t know why I post on here. I thought I could help other people by creating this page, but I guess I need the help. Death just sounds more peaceful than life today. No one cares when you hurt mentally or physically. No one cares unless you are gone and than it’s to late.

I’ve felt like giving up a little lately

I full heartily believe that people tend to show their true color when you are at your highest of highs and when you are at your lowest of lows. Something in them just changes, to being your best friend to an complete stranger. I’m not sure if venerability just is an emotion they can’t handle, but i have witnessed having this happen to me on numerous occasions. I have left several jobs due to the lack of respect and i notice that the people that i see each and everyday, that i opened up to, and that even told me they would have my back just flat out became cold. Was it because they somehow wish they had the strength to stand up for themselves too, is it because they somehow envy my leaving? Or do they genuinely not care for me anymore? Anyway, it honestly hurts pretty bad, some of the people i use to see everyday I thought of as family, now even thinking about running into them makes me anxious. It’s interesting to me how fast life can change in the blink of the eye from making one decision. When you succeed i notice people also pull back, and i don’t understand that either. When I left me last job most people would say i was giving up and not fighting. I would say that i succeed in not excepting the bare minimum to be happy. Nobody deserves to go to work and walk on egg shells just to have a good day, it is inhumane. After all i went through i opened my eyes wider and focused on making a brand for myself. To me thats winning, but why do the people i use to call family sill ignore me or not even catch up? I have always been an emotional person, so this honestly stings, but i get through this hard time looking for the next chapter in my life. Riding that wave and not letting go, while focusing on myself and trying to live in the moments that are given to me everyday. Tell me has this ever happened to you, have you lost connections you wish you could get back? Have you felt alone, while trying to become your best self? Everything always happens for a reason, and i one hundred percent stand by that. If people in your life want to leave let them. In the end the connections that stick with you from thick and thin are honestly the best people you will ever meet. Don’t let go of those ones!

PRESCRIPTION MEDICINE. THE GOOD AND THE UGLY....

Alone, afraid and abandoned. There is no greater fear than being pushed aside like you are nothing. I would say being alone and isolated is one of the biggest of the fear I have. You mean so much to a person and than you are trash the next. Family, friends loved ones, leave you to fend on your own. The, ‘“i don’t know what i would do without yous” turn into silence. Heart racing, mind numb, the pain is almost unimaginable. Loss hurts like hell, and we all go through it. What i still can’t wrap my mind around is the disappearance of having someone one day, its like they were never a person the next. Now a memory that occasionally you will go through to remind yourself they were part of your life. It’s a sad realization that the person that you’re standing next to could be gone the next morning. No more unexplainable friendship, no more bar hoping and karaoke, no more second family that you have started to create. Just negativity when you hear their name and heartbreaking realization that was the last time you fully get to see them. Life spins fast, sometimes to fast for myself, days feel like they are just speeding up, and nights feel like a dungeon of my own thoughts. I miss all the friends i let go, they made me who i am today, they made me smile, some even taught me that i love show-choir and music. Now they are just a memory and its a memory thats confusing on days when I realized i let go. Unfortunately i had to let go of friends that made the world a better place, i said peace and i dipped never looking back. It’s isolating ill tell you that, i regret some of these mistakes, and i wonder is it me, are they running from me instead of me protecting myself?. Is loss a two way street or am i the only one missing the memories that have been created with these people?

I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that i have two moods throughout the month making some days difficult, i also believe that i am bipolar, regardless if people believe if its real or not. My braIn controls me more than myself sometimes and its anything less than scary. I’m going to explain what happens,,, i mess one small thing up and dwell on that mistake the whole day, i start to talk bad about myself, start to go backwards and get paranoid, i then dwell on that one bad thing that was said about me and start to believe its my life Next I start to think about things that scare me, its like a rabbit hole and some days i feel sucked under., thus messing with my self esteem. The negative in the world, the inconsideration of some people, the hurt that god allowed on me. It’s triggering talking about now, so i will try to switch to more of a positive light. It’s a hard time getting out of the hole when this happens, and some days this can go on for weeks. I want to shed light on this topic, I want to share this disease with the world, and I want you to share you’re story too. I know this is essentially depression, but how do we keep this out of work environment, how do we stop caring about everything so much, how do we get better and fix this. Always open to suggestions. If maybe the people who leave notes leave a little encouragement, or advice for this topic, and if we shed a little light on this scary topic maybe we wont feel so alone in this world.

When we have been hurt we are programmed to wait for the worst to happen, i have entered a part of my life i thought i would never dare experience again. I have dropped the comfortably i worked so hard to find, for love. Sometimes you got to make those sacrifices to be happy, as scary as it feels. This time feels different though, i wasn’t moved out in a day, my parents aren’t looking at me with concern in their eyes and I’m not assuming this is needed to make our relationship stronger. It feels more natural and encouraged this time, but don’t get me wrong i am still scared. This man is the definition of love, you u can see it in his actions everyday, from just the simple i love yous, to the unasked help to move and carry all my heavy boxes to his house. I see him as a partner, and I say it with tears in my eyes because i am certain. I cant see my life without him in it, so these scary moves that makes me feel like I’m loosing myself strangely reassure me because i get to be with him. I was so lost before i met him, saw no point in life going throughout the day alone and tired. He opened my eyes to the truth, he showed me i am special and not a burden on friends and family. He makes me feel loved, i will sacrifice my own safe space to be with someone like that, as anxious as it seems. You got to make sacrifices for love, and I’m willing to do that if i get to be with my best friend.

Love can turn into lust, just one look can drive you crazy

Been going through trauma for the past three days, every time i close my eyes i dream about a particular person and it brings me back without my choice. I know its the way my brain is still coupling because towards the end of each dream i find out the truth and it hurts less and less. I still miss this person everyday ,but god showed me he’s not meant for me. Im finding better versions of love that i have never thought i would find. I look at my person and think about how lucky it was to find him, how incredibly into him i am, how he cares and i know in my heart he would never hurt me! I wasn’t looking for this man but he showed up on my screen and it opened a world I finally deserve. He makes me feel safe, so safe and secure about our future. He tries even when he doesn’t need to, he holds his hand out for me when i need one andI feel embarrassed to show my emotions, he makes me see a future. I wouldn’t mind being with him for the rest of our lives, because he makes this cold world shine a little brighter. I am grateful through the trauma, i am still learning, I am getting so much better with my life and see being comfortable with this man an option. He makes me smile, laugh and optimistic for what the future holds. I am in love again and no one can bring me down. Even the trauma of my past, regardless of how bad it wants to knock me down. Find love again even when the world knocks you down, you deserve someone, you deserve not to settle and you deserve to open up again even when you get shut down. Don’t be afraid to find the love you deserve. I am uncomfortable about last night, but happy about my future and life.

When you want to get along with every single person you come in contact with, but you know it’s not always the outcome. It can be incredibly irritating, but sometimes people are closed off and it takes awhile for them to let their guard down. Some people are amazing but just not the best at communicating, which can come off as selfish. I do know we all have our own battles , we all have been through some form of pain, and some are still in pain when they get home. Some days it can be a challenge, but giving the benefit of the doubt to others around you might make getting along with them more easier. Maybe they are going through an abusive situation with their family making them incredibly bossy when you are around them, because this is the only time they have control. Maybe they have been badly hurt by loved ones and friends and it makes them closed off and not someone easy to connect with. Maybe they are hiding more than you think. They go on with work and social interactions and than come home to depression and addiction. We don’t know everyone’s battles, but it would be nice if we had labels on us identifying them ,so we know how to approach people the appropriate way. As difficult as it may as it might seem to clash with another persons personality or way of living, if you and i look at the situation in this light maybe it will make the whole time around them a little more bearable and hey maybe eventually they will open up to you, changing both of you lives for the better. Try to spread kindness the best you can even on days when it’s not the easiest, you don’t know everyone’s story <3

JOURNEY OF DEALING WITH DEPRESSION; ON THE ROAD TO RECOVERY